Chapter 31 Self-discipline of love

The power of self-discipline comes from love, and the essence of love is a kind of will.Self-discipline is the process of transforming love into practical actions.All love is inseparable from self-discipline.Those who really know how to love must know how to restrain themselves, so as to promote the maturity of the other party's mind. I once came into contact with a couple who were young, bright, and artistic.It is a pity that their lifestyle is bohemian. They had been married for four years, and they quarreled almost every day, sometimes fighting and breaking furniture.They were often separated and both had affairs.At the beginning of the treatment, they also knew that only by learning restraint and moderation can their relationship become normal, but it didn't take long for them to get discouraged.

They can't bear the pressure of self-discipline, and think that self-discipline is a kind of limitation that will only deprive them of enthusiasm and vitality.They like to be free.They don't put other people's marriages in their eyes, and think that only their own marriage is full of color and vitality, so they stop the treatment soon.After another three years, their marriage not only did not improve, but even worsened.They have also sought help from other psychiatrists, but to no avail.They eventually parted ways and became strangers.This is also the expected ending. There is nothing wrong with this couple's deliberate pursuit of variety in their lives, but the lack of self-discipline and self-improvement inevitably leads to a chaotic state of life.This is like a child learning to draw, just smearing colors on the paper at will. On the surface, it may be quite attractive, but the picture is actually monotonous and boring, without any meaning at all.They do not know how to control, adjust and change, therefore, there is no color on the "canvas", and there is no unique and rich connotation.True vitality and enthusiasm cannot be separated from deep and sincere emotions.Indiscreet, unrestrained, unrestrained emotions are by no means deeper than those of self-restraint.An ancient proverb said: "The shallow water is noisy, but the deep pool has no waves." Those who truly master and control emotions will not only lack passion and vitality, but also make emotions deeper and more mature.

People should not be enslaved by emotions, nor can they suppress emotions to nothing.I sometimes tell patients that if emotion is their slave, self-discipline is the master of the slave.Emotion is the source of vitality in life, it allows us to experience the joy of life and satisfy our needs.Since emotion can serve us, we should respect its value.However, as the masters of emotions, we often make two mistakes: First, we may not restrain the slaves and let them go.We never give management and instructions, and in the long run, slaves stop working, but break into the master's house and do whatever they want.They scoured cupboards and smashed furniture.Before long, we find ourselves slaves of slaves, we are tortured into personality disorders, like the bohemian couple before, making life muddy.

Neurotics who are tortured by guilt often go to the other extreme—this is the second mistake we are prone to make: the master fears that the slave (emotion) will rebel, so if there is any sign or sign, he will send the slave tied up and beaten, and even the most severe punishment.As a result, the slaves were extremely desperate, and they were passive and slowed down, resulting in a significant reduction in productivity; they may also wait for an opportunity to retaliate, making the master’s worries come true: the slaves staged a riot and captured the master’s city in one fell swoop—this is why some people One of the causes of neurosis or neurosis.Properly handling one's own feelings requires a rich and complex balancing act, self-analysis and self-adjustment.The master should respect slaves (feelings), provide decent food, shelter, medical treatment, listen to opinions and give feedback in a timely manner.The master should encourage the enthusiasm of the slaves and care about their health. At the same time, they should also organize them, stipulate discipline, issue orders, let them distinguish the boundaries, and clarify who is the manager and who is the managed, so as to achieve sound self-discipline .

"Love" is a very specific emotion that must be properly restrained.As I said earlier, the feeling of love has everything to do with cathexis. The feeling of love generates creative energy.But if left unchecked and allowed to run rampant, love becomes a beast that has escaped from its cage, and not only is it not true love, but it can create a very messy situation.True love requires self-improvement and the necessary energy, but our energy is always limited, and it is impossible to love everyone crazily. Maybe you think your love is inexhaustible and inexhaustible.You can even "fraternity" and expand the objects of fraternity——

There's nothing wrong with this desire in itself, and it can make you feel more passionate, but at the end of the day, it's just a figment of the imagination.How short our life is!In a limited life, limited love can only be given to a few specific objects.To go beyond the limit of our ability and not to control our love is undoubtedly self-deception, which in the end backfires and brings harm to the object of love.Even though many people need love and care, we must make a choice to determine who is more suitable as the object of love and who is more worthy of our true love.As you can imagine, this is a tough choice, and it can make you miserable at times.You need to weigh many factors to make a final decision.The object of love you choose should be able to quickly promote the maturity of your mind through your help.In fact, many people hide their hearts in thick armor. You want to nourish their hearts with practical actions, and you have made unremitting efforts for this, but in the end it is of no avail-for such people, you should choose early. Give up, because no matter how much you pour your love into, you can't make the other person's heart grow. It's like sowing food on dry land, which can only waste time and energy.True love is precious and limited, and should be cherished and used properly.You must also maintain self-discipline to make love more powerful.

We may wish to discuss in detail "fraternity" --- broad love.Many people think that they can love many people at the same time, and start from true love; some people think that they only belong to a specific object, they can only be "perfectly matched" with each other, and others are not worthy of being object of their love.Both of these perceptions are the result of a lack of awareness of the nature of love.Generally speaking, the object of a person's love is quite limited.As far as the marriage relationship (especially the sexual relationship) is concerned, love is even completely exclusive, that is, there is no room for a third party.In the marriage relationship of most people, only the spouse or children can be regarded as the object of love and the basis of love.If we seek the love of the opposite sex from the outside world in addition to the family, it may lead to tragedy.One of the most important obligations of family members is to be responsible to their partners and children.Of course, there are people who not only form love-based relationships within the family sphere, but also insist that they have a surplus of loving capacity to love others.Of course, this may also be true. This kind of person wants to extend his tentacles beyond the family and dedicate his love to more people.In the process of self-improvement, this kind of philanthropist needs to have self-discipline beyond ordinary people, so as not to go astray.The Anglican theologian Joseph Fletcher, author of The New Ethics, once said on this subject: "Extensive, free love is an ideal which few men can actually live up to. What he meant was that few people have enough self-discipline to have healthy relationships based on love, both inside and outside the family.Freedom and restraint complement each other. Without self-discipline as the basis, what freedom brings is not true love, but emotional destruction.

Maybe you think that I overestimate the self-discipline associated with love, that the stern and demanding lifestyle I promote, the constant self-reflection, the constant consideration of obligations and responsibilities, only turns people into puritans.The truth is that only by combining love and self-discipline can one have a happy life and experience the ultimate happiness.Ephemeral pleasures can be obtained by other means, but they are limited in life and do not lead to maturity of the mind. Only true love can help you improve yourself.The deeper your love, the greater the degree of self-improvement.True love, while promoting the other person's mental maturity, will also make your heart grow. You will experience great joy, and the sense of happiness will become more real and lasting.Not only will you not be a Puritan, but you will live happier than anyone else, as country singer John Denver sang in the song "Everywhere is Love": I know that there is love everywhere

Please feel free to be yourself I believe life can be more perfect Let's join the game of life