Chapter 32 love and independence

Helping others grow spiritually nourishes our own.One of the important characteristics of love is that neither the lover nor the beloved is an appendage of the other.Those who give true love should always regard the object of love as an independent individual, and always respect the independence and growth of the other party.Many people fail to do this, leading to physical and mental suffering and even serious illness. Not seeing others as independent individuals, ignoring the independence and freedom of others, the most extreme manifestation of this situation is probably "narcissism".

Narcissists cannot accept the fact that their children, spouses, and friends all have their own thoughts and emotions.One of my patients, Susan, who was thirty-one years old at the time, had attempted suicide several times since she was eighteen, and for the next thirteen years she became a regular visitor to hospitals and mental institutions. She has received help from many psychiatrists, and her condition has improved greatly.I treated her for several months, and she gradually learned to trust trustworthy people, and she was able to distinguish who was trustworthy; she was also able to accept the fact that she was suffering from schizophrenia, and faced the disease with a cheerful and optimistic attitude; she I have learned self-esteem and self-love, learned to take care of myself, and no longer rely too much on others as in the past.All in all, her health recovered quickly.

I believe it won't be long before she can be completely discharged from the hospital and live an independent life.I met her parents, well-spoken men in their fifties.I happily told them about Susan and explained my reasons for optimism about Susan's prospects.Unexpectedly, Susan's mother, Ms. X, suddenly shed tears.I thought she was so excited that she wept with joy, but the strange thing was that her expression was extremely sad.I had to ask, "I really don't understand, ma'am. I'm telling you good news, why should you be upset?" "Of course I'm sorry," she said. "How can you keep me from crying when I think of Susan's suffering?"

I took the trouble to explain: Susan did suffer a lot during her illness and treatment, but it was worth it.She's learned a lot and is on the verge of getting out of her misery.In my experience, she has grown quite mature compared to other adults.In the battle against schizophrenia, her experience, courage and wisdom may make her stronger, and she will suffer much less pain than others in the future.I was surprised to find that her mother was still weeping silently with a sad face. "I'm really confused, Ms. X," I said. "You must have seen many of Susan's psychiatrists in the past 13 years, and you must know Susan's situation very well. I firmly believe that her recovery this time, Especially makes you feel optimistic. Aren't you happy for her besides being sad?"

"All I can think of is... Suzanne's life is so hard," she said tearfully. I said, "But, are you really not happy for her? Are you only thinking about her past pain?" She wept as usual and said, "Poor Susan, she has suffered all her life." I suddenly understood: Ms. X was not crying for Susan, but she was crying for herself, grieving for the pain she had suffered.We are talking about Susan, not her, and she has to vent her own hidden pain under the guise of Susan's name.At first, I didn't think about why she was like this, but later I realized that it was because she couldn't distinguish the difference between her and Susan, and Susan could feel everything she thought she felt.Susan became a tool for her to express her emotions. Ms. X didn't intend to do this, and she didn't have any malice, but deep in her consciousness, she didn't feel any difference between Susan and her.She thought Susan was her, and she never saw Susan as an individual.At the level of conscious thinking, she knows that Susan and she are two people, but emotionally, she feels that no one else (including Susan) exists except her.Her desire and feelings are so strong that she thinks that she—Ms. X—is the only one in the world, and the others are just illusions.

I later discovered that the mothers of schizophrenic patients are often typical narcissists.This does not mean that if a child has schizophrenia, the mother must be narcissistic, nor does it mean that if the mother is narcissistic, the child must have schizophrenia.The causes of schizophrenia are complex and are related to both genetics and environment. The mother suffers from narcissism, which will inevitably have a negative impact on the child's childhood. In the case of Susan and her mother, this effect becomes clearer if we understand their relationship.For example, one afternoon Susan's narcissistic mother, Ms. X, was in a deep state of self-pity.When Susan came home from school, she got honors in art class, so she happily showed her work to her mother for appreciation.She told her mother how fast she was improving.She waited for her mother to praise her, but Ms. X said, "Susan, go take a nap! You've worked so hard lately to paint these pictures. Schools are a disgrace now, and they don't care about your children's health." Another day , Ms. X is in a frenzy of self-fantasy, and Susan is crying to her at home because she was bullied by boys on the school bus. Ms. X said to her: "Mr. Jones drives the school bus. I think it is the most suitable. He is so good-natured, so patient, and it is amazing that he can put up with you children! This Christmas, you should send him A little gift.” The narcissist ignores the existence of other people and sees them only as extensions of themselves.They don't have the ability to empathize, they never feel the feelings of others, and they don't have the ability to think about others.Parents with narcissism cannot respond correctly to their children's emotions and states, and do not understand their needs.Their children grow up with little understanding of other people's feelings, which is the result of negative family influence in childhood.

Most parents are not necessarily as narcissistic as Susan's mother, but they are all blind to the uniqueness of their children.People often say: "Like father, like son", or: "Your character is like your Uncle Jim", as if children are just copies of genetic genes.Little do they know that the recombination of parents' genes will inevitably give birth to a brand new life that is different from parents, grandparents, and any ancestors. As the father of an athlete, he forces his son who likes to study to go to the football field; as the father of a scholar, he forces his son who likes to study hard to study hard. This will only mislead the child's growth and fill the child with pain.Ultimately, parents fail in their education.

A general’s wife once said of her 17-year-old daughter Sally: “Sally, when she comes home, she shuts herself in her room and writes those sad poems. Isn’t it sick? She even seldom goes to the Class reunion. I think she has a serious mental illness.” I interviewed her daughter, Sally, and found that Sally is a cheerful, lively and likable girl. Her grades are among the best and her popularity is also very good.I told her parents that there is nothing wrong with Sally, but that they themselves should correct their attitude and not use parental authority at will to force Sally to become like them.They insisted on treating Sally's unconventional behavior as pathological, and they would definitely regret it in the future.

Some adolescent children often complain that the strict education of their parents does not come from sincere concern, but that the parents are worried that their personal reputation will be affected.A teenager said to me a few years ago: "My parents talk about my hair all the time, but they never tell me what's wrong with having long hair. They just don't want to embarrass themselves, they don't want people Seeing their son with long hair. They don’t care about my feelings, they just care about the impression they leave on others.” The complaints of teenagers are often groundless.Some parents do not respect their children's independent personality and only regard their children as an extension of themselves.Children are like their expensive clothes, their beautiful jewelry, their manicured lawns, their polished cars, which represent their social status and standard of living.This kind of narcissism complex of parents may not seem like a big deal, but it actually has amazing destructive power.Moreover, this situation is quite common.No wonder that in a poem on the education of children, the poet Gibran criticizes——

Your children are not actually your children. They are the children born of life's longing for itself. They came into this world through you, but not because of you. They are beside you, but they do not belong to you. You can give them your love, but not your thoughts, because they have their own. You can shelter their bodies, but not their souls, because their souls belong to tomorrow, which you can't reach even in your dreams. You can try your best to be like them, but don't let them become harmonious. You too, for life does not go backwards nor dwell in the past. You are the bow, from you your children are the arrows.

The archer looks at the target on the road to the future, and he pulls you away with all his strength, so that his arrow can go fast and far. Bending with joy in the hand of the archer, for he loves the arrow that flies all the way, and the bow that is so steady. Failure to accept the independence of a loved one can endanger family and love.Not long ago, I was leading a group therapy session on marital problems. A male member said, "I think the role of a wife is to organize the house, take care of the children, and prepare meals."His machismo is astonishing.I thought he might realize that his personal thinking was wrong after other members expressed their views one after another. To my great surprise, there are six other members in the group (even including female members), who have exactly the same understanding of the role of wives as he does.They are self-centered and judge the value of their wives without considering the other party as an independent individual.The meaning and role of a wife is by no means just taking care of your partner's life. I said, "Well, it's no wonder that your marriages have problems. You must understand that everyone has an independent life and destiny, otherwise, your marriage problems will not be solved." Some people were confused by my words, and they Ask me: "How do you view the role of a wife?" I said to them, "From my point of view, the meaning and value of my wife is to meet her own needs as much as possible and to mature her mind as much as possible. This is not only good for me, but also for her and God's sake." Glory." Sadly, they didn't really get what I meant for a long time. In emotional relationships, why should everyone maintain their independence?This question has troubled many people for thousands of years.It has obviously received much more attention in the political field.For example, the philosophical view of extreme feudalism is very similar to the above-mentioned concept of marriage, that is, the meaning and function of a person's existence is to provide services for the family, the feudal monarch, and the feudal empire.The small self must be sacrificed for the big self, and individual destiny is insignificant.Extreme capitalism blindly emphasizes personal value, even at the expense of family, group, and social interests.Driven by these two concepts, orphans and widows can suffer from hunger and do not need the care and care of others; entrepreneurs can compete for fame and fortune, sacrifice the interests of workers, and enjoy the piled fruits.Anyone with a sound mind can see that neither of these two extreme ways of thinking can solve a practical problem: How can both parties maintain independence in an emotional relationship?Needless to say, personal health depends on social health, and social health depends on personal health.Marriage and family are like the rear camp of mountaineering. To be successful, climbers must complete the rear camp, ensure the supply of food and medicine, and rest in the camp at any time to supplement nutrition while preparing to climb the next mountain.First-class climbers spend as much time preparing the rear camp as they do actually climbing the mountain.The reason is: Whether the rear camp is stable and whether the food is sufficient is related to whether the mountaineering task can be completed, and even related to personal life. The problem with a man's marriage is that after marriage he only thinks about mountaineering, but lacks management of the rear camp (marriage).They thought that the camp was well-equipped with food and clothing, orderly and ready for him to use at any time, and he didn't need to expend energy to repair and maintain the camp.This "extreme capitalist" attitude is destined to make a man's marriage fail.When the men return home, they are surprised to find the rear camp in ruins—the wife in hospital with a nervous breakdown, or having an affair, or otherwise announcing to her husband that she has since refused to tend the camp. Problems in women's marriages often lie in the fact that women feel that everything is going well after marriage, thinking that their life value has been realized.She regards the rear camp as the pinnacle of her life.All her husband's endeavors outside of marriage, all his creative achievements, are not only irrelevant, but even hostile to her. She asked her husband to "repent from evil and return to the right" and focus entirely on family and marriage.Doing so, like the concept of "extreme feudalism", will only make marriage suffocating.The husband felt a strong bondage and just wanted to get rid of the shackles as soon as possible and run away. In a sense, the Women's Liberation Movement is like a banner that guides us towards an ideal marriage: Marriage is a system in which division of labor and cooperation coexist. Both husband and wife need dedication and care, and work hard for each other's growth.The basic goal of an ideal marriage is to nourish both parties at the same time and promote the common growth of two hearts.Both parties have the responsibility to take care of the rear camp, to pursue their own progress, and to climb to the pinnacle of life to realize personal value. As a teenager, I loved the religious poems of American poetess Ann Bradstreet.When it comes to the relationship between husband and wife, I was particularly moved by one of her poems, that is, "You and I are one, and I will be grateful for my life." But when I became an adult, I gradually realized that the husband and wife can only be more independent, not independent. Only by "unifying into one" can we maintain our respective sentiments and characteristics and make our married life more perfect.Choosing marriage out of fear of loneliness is doomed not to achieve a happy marriage.True love respects each other's independence and takes the risks of separation and unexpected widowhood. A successful marriage can provide better nourishment for the soul and achieve a brilliant life journey.Only when both husband and wife take love as the starting point, do their best for each other's growth, and even make appropriate sacrifices, can they achieve equal or even greater progress.When either spouse reaches the pinnacle of life, it can greatly improve the quality of marriage, raise emotions and family to a higher level, and then promote the healthy development of the whole society.In other words, personal growth is closely linked with social growth.Of course, loneliness and loneliness are often unavoidable in the pursuit of growth. The poet Gibran once talked about the "solitary wisdom" in marriage: You should keep a gap in your union, and let the wind of heaven dance between you. Love one another, but make no chains of love, let love be a surging sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cups, but drink not from one cup; share your bread, but eat not from the same loaf. Laugh together, sing and dance together, but allow each other to be alone, like the strings of a lute, although they vibrate in the same music, but you are you and I am me, independent of each other. Give your heart, but not keep it by the other party, because only the hand of life can hold your heart. Stand together, but not too close, don't you see, the beams and pillars of the temple stand alone, and the oak and cypress do not grow in each other's shadow.