Chapter 30 risk of conflict

One of the greatest dangers of love is the exercise of power with humility, and the most common result of this behavior is love conflict.When we have a conflict with someone, we are essentially telling the other person: "You are wrong and I am right." For example, a father criticizes his son and says, "How have you been sneaking lately?" In fact, the subtext of the father is : "You shouldn't be sneaky, you are wrong. I have the right to criticize you, because I have never been sneaky, and I am right." When a husband criticizes his wife for being frigid, he will say: “You’re a cold woman. You don’t respond to my sexual demands so you’re wrong. I’m sexually normal and I’m normal in other ways.” Wife thinks husband doesn’t spend time with herself and kids, You will criticize your husband and say: "You spend so much time on work, you are too much, you are doing wrong. Although I have not tried your work, I can see it clearly. You should use your energy to In other ways." Pointing out other people's shortcomings, that is, telling the other person "you are wrong, I am right, you should make a change", is an easy thing to do.It is easy to criticize others. Not only parents and spouses, everyone may take criticism as a daily routine. However, most criticisms are just out of impulse, dissatisfaction and anger.

People who are truly loving will never criticize or conflict with others at will, and they try their best to avoid giving the other an impression of arrogance. Frequent conflicts with loved ones, mostly because they think they are superior in knowledge or morals.If you really love others, you will recognize that the other person is a completely independent individual different from yourself.Based on this understanding, we will not easily say to our loved ones: "I am right, you are wrong; I know better than you what to do is more reasonable, and I know what is more beneficial to you." Of course, in In real life, some bystanders do know better than the parties involved, and it is logical to know what to do.Bystanders may also have higher morals or judgment, in which case they are obliged to point out the crux of the problem.Therefore, caring people are often in a dilemma --- they must respect each other's independence while eager to give each other loving guidance.

Only by practicing self-examination can we get out of this situation.If you are caring and want to help the other person, you must first do some self-reflection to see if your point of view has value. "Did I see the essence of the problem?" "Am I motivated by thinking about the other person?" "Have I discovered the crux of the problem, or is it out of a vague assumption?" "Do I really understand what I love?" People?" "Is it possible that his choices are correct, but I feel that his choices are not wise because of limited experience?" "Do I want to provide guidance to my loved ones, is it out of my own, selfish purpose?" True People who take love as their starting point should always reflect on the above-mentioned issues.

One of the basic premises of self-reflection is an attitude of honesty and humility. As an English monk said in the 14th century: "Honesty and humility mean self-knowledge. Those who are good at self-reflection will be honest and humble." There are usually two ways to criticize others: one is to confirm that you are right based on intuition alone; the other is to confirm that you may be right after introspection.The former way gives people a sense of superiority, and parents, spouses or teachers often educate others in this way.In this way, it is easy to cause dissatisfaction and resentment, but it does not help the other party's growth, and even only produces unexpected negative consequences.The second method, which gives people the impression of being humble and cautious, requires critics to improve themselves first, which makes many people quit.

But this approach is more likely to bring success than the first approach, and, in my experience, it usually has less damaging consequences. There are also quite a few people who prefer to suppress the urge to criticize others and turn a blind eye to their problems.They are too humble, always silent, and never give guidance and advice to loved ones.Such a person does not possess true love.I once had a patient who suffered from a depressive neurosis for a long time.Her father was an overly humble pastor, and her mother was the head of the family with a violent personality, even beating her husband in front of her daughter.Her pastor father never fought back, and even advised his daughter to obey the teachings of Jesus. If one cheek was beaten, he should take the initiative to send the other cheek.All in all, priests have always maintained absolute obedience in the face of torture and abuse.The woman began her treatment with admiration for her father, but she soon realized that his devotion and humility were really just weakness and incompetence.There is actually no difference between the passivity and passivity of the father and the domineering and domineering mother, so the father is not worthy of being her role model.Plus, her father had made no effort to keep her safe.He allowed his wife to punish his daughter, but he dared not have any conflict with her.Moreover, the woman had been under the misconception that her father's false modesty and her mother's arrogance were normal behaviors of being a parent.In fact, as a child's father, he backs down automatically when he should stand up, keeps silent when he should criticize, and runs away when he should help his child grow up. These are not expressions of love at all. , essentially no different.

Parents who love their children must point out their children's mistakes, and do so carefully and positively.They also allow their children to point out their mistakes.Similarly, in order to achieve a happy marriage, both husband and wife must dare to face conflicts and contradictions, and become the best critics and advisers of each other.This principle also applies to friendship.The traditional concept holds that friendship means never conflicting, even flattering and flattering, rather than revealing each other's shortcomings. Only a friendship without conflict can last forever.However, if friendship is treated according to this principle, the seemingly unbreakable friendship is actually very weak, and it does not deserve to be called friendship.Fortunately, people now have a deeper understanding of the essence of friendship: friendship must be based on love, and appropriate criticism and criticism are essential lubricants. Only in this way can we successfully build lasting interpersonal relationships. It is bound to have the typical characteristics of "failure", "fragile" and "shallow".

Conflict, or criticism, is a special power of control in relationships that, when properly exercised, can improve the course of a relationship and, in turn, change the life of a loved one.If it is misused, it can have negative consequences.Making suggestions appropriately, using rewards and punishments appropriately, raising doubts in a timely manner, and rejecting decisively can all effectively neutralize the side effects of conflict or criticism.More importantly, only by taking love as the starting point, putting all your emotions into it, and making a sincere commitment can you better nourish the other person's heart.For example, parents should first self-examine and recognize their own values ​​before they can adopt the correct method and properly educate their children.Parents should also understand their children's personality and abilities, and educate them accordingly, otherwise they may be at odds with their children for a long time.If you want others to listen to you, you must use language that the other party can understand;

If you want others to meet your requirements, your requirements should not exceed the limit of the other party's tolerance; if you want the other party to make progress, you must first improve yourself, so that you can find the best opportunity and way of communication. Exercising the power of love is not a one-time effort, and even takes great risks.The deeper your love, the more humble you will be, instead of being selfish and arrogant.You will also conduct self-reflection from time to time: "How can I change the current situation? What kind of personal influence should I rely on? How can I judge that the way I take is beneficial to my children, my spouse, the collective, the country, and even mankind." Harmless? How do I think I have the right ideas to impose my will on others? Am I brave enough to change them? How can I act as an advocate?” All of these things can put you at risk.In fact, many parents, teachers, or bosses make decisions without taking into account the state of their own well-being.Although they can exercise the power of criticism, they do not have real wisdom nor enough love, so their efforts are in vain and even lead to negative consequences.People who really take love as their starting point are always committed to self-improvement, so that they have a minimum of morality and wisdom before exercising the right to criticize.They are well aware of their responsibilities.Love doubles their courage and dares to face any test.

Correspondingly, a strong sense of responsibility will make people more cautious and steady.It can also be said that only the humility and honesty brought about by true love can double our courage, make us more comfortable in exercising power, and get closer to the God in our hearts.