Chapter 19 fall in love

Throughout the ages, there have been various absurd understandings about "love".The most common misunderstanding is to regard men and women falling in love, especially falling in love, as love, or at least falling in love is the embodiment of love.People who fall in love often confess passionately: "I love him (her)!" This is just a subjective wish.First, falling in love, which usually involves sexual desire.It is conceivable that no matter how much we love our children, it is impossible to fall in love with them (except in an incestuous family).Many people have close same-sex friends, but never fall in love with them unless they are gay.Only conscious and subconscious sexual impulses can make us fall in love.Second, the "love" that falls in love will not last long. No matter who the object of love is, sooner or later we will "crawl out" from the fetters of love.Of course, this does not mean that we no longer love each other and the people we fall in love with, but the dizzying relationship will eventually disappear one day, just like a beautiful honeymoon, sooner or later it will come to an end , The bright flowers are bound to wither and wither.

To understand the nature of falling in love, we must recognize what psychology calls "ego boundaries."Consider the development of a baby as an example.In the first seven months of life, babies cannot distinguish the boundaries between self and the outside world.When he crawled on the floor, he felt that the whole world was moving with him; when he felt hungry, he thought the whole world was starving with him; when he saw his mother move his body, he felt that he was moving with her; His mother hummed a lullaby, which he thought was his own.In the newborn baby's sense there is no boundary or difference between everything that moves and what is fixed, between him and the crowd around him, between the single individual and the whole world.

As the baby grows slowly, with increasing knowledge and experience, he discovers that he and the world are not the same thing.When he feels hungry, his mother may not appear immediately and give him water and food; when he wants to play, his mother may not be able to cooperate in time and play simple games with him.His wishes and his mother's actions are two completely different things.In this case, the baby's "self" is born and a sense of self begins to emerge.Often, the healthy development of a baby's sense of self depends on a good relationship with its mother.The loss of the love of the mother, or the mother's severe character flaws, disrupts the relationship between the baby and the mother, and as the baby grows from child to adult, his sense of self is impaired.

When the baby realizes that his wishes are his own and not those of the world around him, he begins to make a distinction between himself and the world. When he wants to move, his arms move even before his eyes, but the crib and ceiling don't move, so the baby knows that his arms are closely connected with his wishes, so the arms are his "property" and not others. things, not someone else's arm.In our first year of life, as babies, we learn the basics: who we are and who we are not; what we are and what we are not.A year after birth, we know exactly: this is my arm, my foot, my head, my tongue, my eyes, even my perspective, my voice, my thoughts, my stomach hurts , My feeling... At this time, we have been able to distinguish more differences between ourselves and the external world, and we can recognize the limitations of body size and physical fitness. This kind of cognition is the so-called "self-limitation".

The awareness and development of ego boundaries continue into adolescence and into adulthood.When children are around two or three years old, they are more aware of their limited abilities. Before that, although he knew that he could not make his mother act according to his wishes, he would still confuse his wishes and thoughts with his mother's actions.Two or three-year-old children are often the "little emperors" of the family. If things don't go their way, they will throw a tantrum, and even turn the world upside down.By the age of three, the child's attitude has become more restrained, and he has a deeper understanding of the limitations of his abilities, but his mind still fantasizes about how to do whatever he wants.This kind of mentality can only gradually disappear after a few years, when he has suffered more blows.Before that, he still imagined that he was omnipotent. Stories about powerful superman and space fighter were also the most popular among them.For teenagers entering adolescence, Superman and Flash can no longer satisfy their emotional needs.However, they felt more clearly how limited their bodies and abilities were!They also vaguely realize that all individuals must unite, and only by cooperating with each other can they survive better.They are eager to break through their own limitations, but they are limited by their own boundaries, which often makes them feel helpless and painful.

Living in the "self-limitation" forever will only bring loneliness to people.Some "neurasthenics" who received psychological treatment were usually very unhappy in their childhood, and even suffered varying degrees of injury.For them, the world is full of dangers, and self-limitation is an umbrella, while loneliness and loneliness can bring a sense of security.But most people are still eager to get rid of loneliness and break out of the cage of self-limitation.Falling in love seems to be able to "escape" from loneliness and loneliness (although this release is temporary); falling in love means that a certain part of the self-limitation suddenly collapses, making our "self" Become one with the "self" of others.We suddenly rush out of the boundaries of our ego, and our emotion is like a torrent breaking a bank, rushing towards the loved one with great momentum, and the loneliness disappears, replaced by an indescribable ecstasy, we are united with the lover!

Falling in love is a degenerate phenomenon of emotion and mind.Combining with the one we love, echoing the memories of being with our parents in childhood, we seem to experience the omnipotent pleasure of childhood, and we feel powerful again, as if nothing can stop us from realizing our wishes. We feel that love is so powerful that it conquers all and that our future is bright.But what we don't realize is that such feelings are illusory and often disconnected from reality.This feeling is as unreasonable as a two-year-old child who thinks he can dominate the world. The cruel reality will crush the fantasies of two-year-old children sooner or later, as well as our dreams of love.Everyday chores and problems create contradictions and conflicts in us.Men want sex and women say no because they're in a bad mood; women want movies and men want to stay home and watch TV; men want to put money in the bank and women want to buy a dishwasher; women want to talk. Talk about his job, but a man wants to talk about his job.Both parties are surprised and painfully aware that they are not integrated with each other, their desires, hobbies, and ideas are far apart, and the situation seems difficult to change, and the gap seems irreducible.Their respective ego boundaries are closed again, and they become two different individuals again.If the illusion is shattered, you may face a situation where labor and swallows are separated.Undoubtedly, if they want to avoid this situation, they must face reality and learn to truly know and love each other.

Why do I use the word "true"?I want to emphasize that falling in love is not real love, it is just an illusion. Couples can only truly love each other when they are out of love.True love is not based on being in love, or even feeling in love, and need not be based on it. From the definition I gave at the beginning of this chapter, it is clear that falling in love is not true love for the following reasons— Falling in love is not voluntary, not a planned, conscious choice.No matter what kind of expectations you have, without opportunities and fate, you will never be able to experience the feeling of being in love, and the love network will not open for you.Sometimes, it may become an uninvited guest, uninvited.It's entirely possible to fall in love with someone who doesn't quite fit you, or even want to accept their flaws, yet you develop a deep attachment to that person.At the same time, there may be another person who is wonderful in every way and worthy of your love, but you just can't fall in love.

Adults sometimes use reason and principles as constraints to control their desperate fanatic behavior—for example, a psychiatrist may have a love affair with a patient, and the patient may unconsciously pin their emotions on the doctor, but based on the responsibility to the patient As well as their own identities, doctors must restrain their emotions and behaviors, maintain the integrity of their boundaries, and must not irresponsibly treat patients as love objects.For this reason, they even have to endure unimaginable pain, which is the inevitable result of the contest between rationality and sensibility.In addition, no matter how strict your self-discipline, you can only control the process of being in love, but you cannot create the feeling of being in love.When the passion of love comes, you can respond with desire and willpower, but you cannot use them to create the experience of being in love.

Falling in love can only cause a temporary collapse of a certain part of the self-limitation.Self-improvement requires enough effort, but falling in love may not require effort.The experience of falling in love is over, the good times are over, the boundaries of the self must be restored, and all you feel is loss and disillusionment, but never spiritual growth.True love, however, expands the boundaries of the ego and never restores them, which is the unachievable result of falling in love. The only advantage of falling in love is the elimination of loneliness.Prolonging this function, even through marriage, does not contribute to mental maturity.

As long as we are in love, we think that we are living at the pinnacle of happiness, that life is incomparable, that we have reached the pinnacle of perfection.At that moment, we feel that it doesn't matter whether we are mentally mature or not, what matters is the current sense of satisfaction.We forget the fact that our hearts and those of our loved ones are not perfect, but need more nourishment.However, in our eyes, the other party is almost perfect. Although there are shortcomings and flaws, that is nothing, and it will only increase its value and increase the charm of the other party in our eyes. Falling in love is not real love, what is its essence?Is it just a temporary breakdown of ego boundaries?In my opinion, it has something to do with the human "libido" (sexual needs and drives), or with the biological mating instinct governed by genes.Falling in love is a typical physiological and psychological reaction produced by the internal needs and external stimuli of human beings. Its significance lies in increasing the chances of human reproduction and promoting the reproduction and survival of species.In other words, falling in love is the conquest of human reason by human genes, which makes us fall into the "trap" of marriage willingly. If the non-primitive genes were at work, I don’t know how many lovers or spouses (including happy people and unhappy people) before entering the marriage hall, they would feel panicked because of the reality they will face after marriage. Want to run away!