Chapter 7 time to solve the problem

Speaking of the influence of parental love on children's self-discipline and delayed gratification, we might as well look at the impact of inability to postpone gratification on adult life.Although most adults have the ability to delay gratification, they can successfully complete high school and college, and then participate in social life without the misfortune of going to jail, but their development is still imperfect, and the ability to solve problems is also the same. Not perfect either. It's ridiculous to say that I didn't learn how to repair everyday objects and appliances until I was 37 years old. Before that, whether it was repairing water pipes, electric lights, or assembling toys or furniture according to complicated instructions, I didn't know anything. It ends in failure and frustration.Although I graduated with honors from medical school, settled down with a family, and had some success in therapy and administration, I was clumsy with machinery and looked like a stupid fool.I humblingly believe that lacking a certain gene, one is not born with the material to solve mechanical problems. In the spring when I was 37 years old, I was walking outside on a Sunday and saw a neighbor repairing a lawn mower.I greeted him and said enviously, "Oh, you are really capable! I never know how to repair this kind of thing, and other things." He immediately replied, "That's because you didn't take the time to Just try." I continued to walk, my heart became more and more restless, and his simple but meaningful words shocked me a lot.I asked myself, "He's probably right. Maybe you're not that bad, man, are you?"

I kept his words in mind and reminded myself: If you have a chance in the future, you must take the time to test it.Soon I will have the opportunity to test this doubt myself.A female patient had a problem with the brakes of her car: something got stuck and she couldn't move.The patient told me: There is a brake switch under the dashboard of the car, but she doesn't know the exact location of the switch or what shape it is.I volunteered to help her with this problem. I lay on the floor under the steering wheel, trying to remind myself to relax.I let out a deep breath and watched patiently for several minutes.

I can't understand the piles of wires, pipes, and poles in front of me. What the hell is going on with them?I concentrated my attention, traced the parts related to the brakes, and understood the operation process of the brakes.I finally found the sticking point -- the little switch that was keeping the brake from moving.I did some more careful research and found that the brakes can be released with a flick of the finger.So I did just that: amazingly, just an ounce of pressure from the fingertips and the problem was completely solved.I was very excited: Hey, I am really a first-class mechanic!

My major has nothing to do with mechanics.I have neither mechanical expertise nor desire to solve mechanical problems, I spend my time in non-mechanical areas. Most of the time, I'd rather turn to a mechanic.I now know that it was all my choice, not some genetic defect. I believe that unless you have an intellectual disability, there is nothing you can't solve if you take the time to learn. Many people don't devote time and energy to solving intellectual, social, and psychological problems-just like my attitude towards mechanical problems.Before I got the mechanical repair enlightenment, if I was impatient that day, I would stick my head under the dashboard of the patient's car and pull a few threads randomly. I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t think I can help you.” Don’t many people adopt the same attitude when dealing with problems?The financial planner mentioned above is actually a caring and hard-working mother, but she can't manage her two children well.If the child's mood is abnormal, or there is a problem with family education, she will soon notice it.She usually only uses the parental authority at will based on the impromptu reaction of the brain, such as forcing the child to eat more breakfast, go to bed early, and so on.While doing so has little effect, she rarely considers whether a similar approach can solve the problem.In desperation, she had no choice but to ask me for help in the end, and said to me angrily: "I can't do anything about them, what should I do?" She will show great ability, but when it comes to solving family conflicts, she immediately becomes a person with low intelligence.The crux of the problem lies in her use of time.Family problems were driving her dizzy, and she just wanted to get out and shorten her exposure to the problem as quickly as possible, instead of taking the time to deal with the uncomfortable feeling and calmly analyze the problem.Although solving the problem brought her satisfaction, and she had no desire to delay that gratification, even for a minute or two, in the end she did not accumulate any useful experience from the problem, and the family was in a long-term chaos as a result. .

The above-mentioned people we are talking about do not have obvious psychological barriers, nor will they have peculiar "intellectual defects" when facing problems. Their problem is only a lack of self-discipline.The situation of the financial analyst is enough to represent everyone.Who among us can say with confidence: They always spend enough time analyzing their children's problems and solving family crises?Who has really learned self-discipline and self-management, so that they will not face all problems negatively, and will not spread their hands in frustration and say, "This is beyond my ability"?

A lower and more destructive attitude to problem-solving than the impatient attitude of wanting to fix it right away is that of wanting the problem to go away.Everyone has this tendency: Once a problem arises, they need to solve it immediately, otherwise they will be upset and restless. Usually doesn't lead to any good results.A 30-year-old single salesman secretly dated the wife of another group therapy member during group therapy in a small city.Another therapy member was a banker who had recently separated from his wife.The salesman knew that the banker was chronically angry and depressed because he hated his wife for leaving him.The salesman knew that he had been dishonest with the banker and the other group therapy members because he had not disclosed his relationship with the banker's wife, which violated the basic principles of group therapy.He also knew that sooner or later the banker would know about his wife's relationship with him.The only way to solve this problem is to open up the relationship in the therapy group and gain everyone's support, and meet the banker's wrath and attack.But the salesman didn't say anything.Three months later, the banker found out about their relationship, and, as expected, the banker was so annoyed that he used this incident as an excuse to quickly discontinue the treatment.The salesman's hurtful behavior was finally questioned and criticized by the group members, but he justified: "I used to think that telling this matter might cause a fierce debate. If I don't say anything, everything will be discussed." It will pass and there will be no verbal wars. I thought if I waited long enough, the problem might go away."

—Problems do not disappear, they persist, they are permanent obstacles to spiritual growth. The group therapist reminds the salesman that ignoring the problem in order to avoid solving it and expecting it to go away is a big problem in his life.But four months later, in the early fall of that year, the salesman did another unthinkable move: He abruptly quit his sales job to start a furniture repair business (so he wouldn't have to travel so much).Seeing that he was desperate, the therapist questioned the rationale for his actions, since winter (low season) was approaching and he was likely in poor business.The salesman thought that the company could receive a lot of orders, so that he could tide over the difficulties quickly.In February, he announced to everyone that he had to give up treatment because he could no longer pay for it.He was so poor that he had to find another job.In the past five months, he has only repaired seven pieces of furniture.When he was asked why he didn't look for a job sooner given the bad prospects, he replied: "Six weeks ago, I thought I could make money quickly, but I didn't expect to get to where I am now, but at the time It seems that my situation is not so urgent! But, my God, it is completely different now, and I did not expect it at all!" Obviously, he ignored his own problems, and he finally understood that only by solving "ignoring problems" Only with this problem can he continue to solve other problems and move on to the next step—all psychotherapy in the world is essentially like this.

Ignoring the existence of the problem reflects people's unwillingness to delay gratification.I said it: Facing problems head-on can be painful.Problems usually do not go away on their own, and if left unresolved, remain forever, hindering intellectual maturity.We all have this experience: when a problem comes, it will inevitably bring different degrees of painful experience.Facing them as early as possible means postponing gratification, giving up temporary comfort and lesser pain for greater pain, and it pays off.Suffering now can lead to greater satisfaction in the future; not seeking a solution to the problem can make future pain greater and last longer.

On the surface, it seems that the indifference of the salesman in front of the problem is entirely due to his immaturity. In fact, like the financial analyst, that salesman also represents the situation of most people.A veteran general once told me: "The biggest problem in the army exists in any organization and institution, that is, the vast majority of commanders just sit in the office, staring at a lot of problems, It’s been too long to make a decision, let alone take actual action, it seems that if you stare at it for a few days and nights, the problem will disappear by itself.” The commander the general was referring to was not some ordinary people who lacked willpower, Not people with weak minds or abnormal personalities, but high-ranking military officers with deep qualifications and rigorous training.

Parents are also commanders, and their mission is as complex as running a business.Like military commanders, most parents are helpless in the face of their children's problems, doing nothing but procrastinating for months or years.Some parents have no progress for five consecutive years and have to seek advice from child psychologists.She said dejectedly: "I thought that when the child grows up, he will no longer be as ignorant as he was when he was a child, but the situation has not changed at all." It is indeed difficult for parents to make certain decisions. It may disappear, but it is a very small number after all.In the process of children's growth, it is bound to be beneficial to give appropriate guidance and help and learn more about their problems. The longer the problem drags on, the more difficult it is to deal with, or even entrenched, and it will naturally be more difficult to solve.