Chapter 6 parent's fault

Children who lack self-discipline may not necessarily be due to lax parental discipline.Many children are often subjected to severe corporal punishment. Even if they make minor mistakes, their parents will beat them face-to-face: slapping, kicking, whipping, and boxing can be described as new tricks.This kind of education not only has little effect, but even makes the situation worse. Parents who have difficulty in self-discipline cannot be role models for their children.Parents often warn their children: "Do as I say, but don't imitate me." They drink too much, or speak bad words in front of their children, or even fight.They lack basic self-control, lack the dignity and rationality of their elders; they describe them as sloppy, messy, even lazy, slippery, and treacherous.Their lives are chaotic, but they force their children to live in an orderly manner.It is conceivable that if the father beats the mother of the child at every turn, then how meaningful is it for the mother to punish the son physically for bullying his sister?How can I expect my son to listen to her and control his emotions?In the hearts of young children, parents are as important as God.Children lack other objects to imitate, so they naturally accept their parents' methods of dealing with problems and regard them as golden rules.Parents know self-discipline, self-control and self-esteem, and their lives are orderly, and children will understand it and regard it as the highest standard.Parents live chaotic and arbitrary lives, and children also accept it as the only way.

The love of parents is very important. Even if the family life is chaotic, if there is love, children who know self-discipline can still be cultivated.Parents who are doctors, lawyers, business managers, and philanthropists, even though they are professionally proficient and have a strict lifestyle, if they lack love and tenderness, the children they raise will be just like those who grow up in poor and chaotic families. Knowing self-discipline, you can still do whatever you want and be lawless. Love is about the healthy growth of the soul.I will delve into this in depth later in the book.Love is an essential element of physical and mental health, so it is necessary to understand the essence of love and the relationship between love and self-discipline.

When we love something, we are willing to spend time on it.For example, if a young man finally owns the car he has been dreaming of for a long time, you will find out how much time he spends on the car: cleaning the car, washing the car, repairing the car, beautifying the car, admiring it constantly, tidying up the interior of the car... ...You can also observe how an elderly man tends his garden: watering, fertilizing, pruning, deworming, grafting, transplanting... The same is true for the love of children, we can spend more time on it Take care of them and be with them. It takes time for children to learn self-discipline.If you don't spend your energy on your children and spend so little time with them, you won't be able to understand their needs deeply, and you won't know what else they need in terms of self-discipline.Unfortunately, even when children clearly need discipline training, we may still be ignorant or even ignore it. "I don't have the energy to care about you, so you can do whatever you want!" Finally, when the time comes to crisis, our children's mistakes make us angry, and we will vent our grievances.We simply do not want to investigate the nature of the problem, nor consider which educational model is most suitable.Parents are accustomed to using severe corporal punishment to teach children, which is not education in essence, but to vent resentment and dissatisfaction.

Smart parents would never do that.They are willing to take the time to understand their children and educate them with the right medicine.Even if children make a big mistake, they also use urging, encouragement, praise, or necessary warning and blame appropriately.They flexibly adjust the child's development direction and carefully observe the child's words and deeds: eating cake, doing homework, lying, cheating, avoiding tasks... They will also listen to the child's innermost thoughts. There are degrees.They tell meaningful stories to their children, kiss, hug and caress them at the right time, and correct their children's problems in time.

There is no doubt that the love of parents determines the quality of family education.Education full of love brings luck; education without love can only lead to misfortune.Caring parents are good at examining their children's needs and making rational and objective judgments.They may also share the pain and suffering with their children when faced with painful choices.Of course, children will gradually realize that their parents are willing to accompany them to endure pain.They may not express gratitude immediately, but they can understand the connotation and true meaning of pain. They remind themselves: "Since my parents are willing to endure the pain with me, the pain is not so terrible, and it may not be too bad. I also You should take responsibility and face your own pain.”——This is the starting point of self-discipline.

The greater the effort the parents put in, the stronger the importance the child feels.In order to cover up their failure in family education, some parents keep telling their children how much they love them, how much they value them, etc., but the truth cannot escape their children's eyes.Children will not be deceived by lies and deceit for a long time. They long for the love of their parents, but their parents' repeated promises will only make them gradually lose confidence.Even if they don't complain or get angry on the surface, the teaching and promises of their parents are almost worthless.What's worse is that they can't help but imitate their parents, copy their parents' way of life, and regard it as the standard and example of life.

Those children who are bathed in the love of their parents can develop soundly in their hearts.They may also express resentment at their parents' momentary neglect, yet they are grateful for their parents' love.Parents' cherishing let them know how to cherish themselves, know how to choose progress instead of backwardness, and know how to pursue happiness instead of giving up on themselves.They regard self-esteem and self-love as the starting point of life, which is more precious than gold. "I am a valuable person", with such a valuable cognition, it constitutes the basic premise of a healthy mind and the foundation of self-discipline.

It comes directly from parental love. "I am born with talents that will be useful", this kind of self-confidence must be cultivated from childhood, otherwise it will be half the effort to make up for it in adulthood.Children have enjoyed the love of their parents since they were young. Even if they encounter huge setbacks as adults, the strong self-confidence cultivated in childhood will also make them muster up the courage to overcome difficulties bravely without giving up on themselves. A sense of self-esteem and self-love is the foundation of self-discipline.At the core of self-discipline, learning self-care, acknowledging the importance of self-worth, and taking all steps to take care of yourself is the key to self-reliance.If we know how to cherish ourselves, we will arrange our time reasonably.The problem with the financial analyst who was procrastinating was that she had neglected and disregarded the value of time for a while, and therefore was unhappy and wasted time needlessly.When she was a child, she had an unfortunate experience: her biological parents were able to take care of her, but they would take out money and send her to her adoptive parents’ home during school holidays. She experienced the feeling of being dependent on others since she was a child.The child feels that her parents don't value her and are unwilling to take care of her. She feels inferior since she was a child.Although she grew up to be smart and capable, her self-esteem was pitifully low.Therefore, she had to start with the most basic self-discipline.Realizing how important time is, she finally resets her schedule to make the most of every minute and second.

Children can get the love and care of their parents in childhood, and they will have a sense of security in their hearts when they grow up.All children fear being abandoned.By the age of six months, children realize that they are separated from their parents, which makes them feel helpless.They know that only by relying on their parents to provide material materials can they survive, and being abandoned is tantamount to death, so they are afraid of any form of abandonment.Parents have a keen intuition about this, and they promise their children: "We love you and will never abandon you." "Of course Mom and Dad will come back to see you, and we will always be by your side." "We will never forget you." Parents make promises and cooperate with practical actions. When children reach adolescence and youth, potential fears will disappear, and they will not just covet temporary comfort and be willing to postpone temporary happiness in some way. satisfaction.They know that with patience, their needs will eventually be fulfilled, as promised by families and parents.

Many children do not have this kind of luck. They have been abandoned, neglected, beaten and even threatened with death by their parents since childhood, or just like the financial analyst, they have always lacked the love and care of their parents.Even if there is no such misfortune, it will live in the shadow of fear because there is no guarantee of parental love.Some parents want to save trouble and want family education to take effect faster, and use intimidating "abandonment" methods to warn their children: "Do as I say, or I will never love you. You can imagine what will happen to you!"— —That of course means abandonment and death.

Parents throw love aside and replace it with inhuman tyranny, which makes children full of fear for the future.They feel that the world is not safe, or even see the world as hell, and this feeling will carry into adulthood.They don't want to postpone the sense of satisfaction and security, but prefer to choose to overdraw happiness and satisfaction immediately.They feel that the future is far away and elusive, which makes them lack a basic sense of trust. Even if the future is many times better than the present, they would rather choose to muddle along. For children to develop the habit of delaying gratification, they must learn self-discipline; for them to develop a sense of self-discipline and trust in a sense of security, parents must lead by example.These spiritual wealth come from the consistent love of parents, and from the constant care of parents. This is the best gift parents can give their children.If these gifts cannot be obtained from the parents, the child may also obtain them from other sources, but the process of obtaining gifts is bound to be a more difficult struggle, usually a lifelong struggle, and often ends in failure.