Chapter 5 delayed gratification

Not long ago, a 30-year-old financial analyst asked for my help in correcting a habit of procrastinating on work she had been procrastinating for months. We explored her perception of her boss, his attitude towards her; her perception of authority and her parents' situation.We also talked about her beliefs about work and achievement; the impact of these beliefs on her views on marriage and gender; her desire to compete with her husband and colleagues, and her fear of competition.Despite repeated efforts, this conventional psychoanalysis and treatment did not touch the crux of the problem.Finally one day, we entered a field that had been neglected for a long time, which made the treatment turn for the better.

"Do you like cake?" I asked. She replied that she liked it. "Would you rather have cake," I continued, "or cream on top?" She said excitedly: "Ah, of course it's cream!" "So, how do you usually eat your cake?" I asked again. I may be the dumbest therapist ever. Without thinking, she said, "Needless to say, I usually eat the cream first, and then the cake." And just like that, we revisit her approach to work, starting from her cake-eating habit.As I expected, in the first hour of work, she always finished the easy and favorite tasks first, and in the remaining six hours, she tried to avoid the tricky tasks.I suggested to her that from now on, in the first hour of work, she should deal with those troublesome errands first, and in the rest of the time, other tasks will become relatively easy.Considering that she majored in financial management, I will explain the reasoning in this way: Calculated by working seven hours a day, one hour of pain plus six hours of happiness is obviously better than one hour of happiness plus six hours of happiness. Hours of pain paid off.She fully agreed with this calculation method, and insisted on implementing it, and soon completely overcome the bad habit of delaying work.

Deferring gratification means not coveting temporary comfort and resetting the order of life's pleasure and pain: first, face the problem and feel the pain; then, solve the problem and enjoy greater happiness, which is the only feasible way of life. In fact, we can learn the principle of self-discipline as early as when we were young (usually from the age of five), so as to avoid the disadvantages caused by only seeking immediate comfort.For example, in kindergartens, some games require children to take turns to participate. If a five-year-old boy is more patient and lets his peers play the game first, and he waits until the end, he can enjoy more fun. In the case of urging, play until you have fun.For six-year-old children, they can enjoy a sweeter taste if they don't eat the cream all at once when eating the cake, or eat the cake first and then the cream.Correct treatment of homework by elementary school children is the best way to practice "delayed gratification".When the child reaches the age of 12, he does not need to be urged by his parents, first finish his homework, and then watch TV.After the age of fifteen or sixteen, their practice can be more handy.By adolescence, they deal with similar issues and it should form a habit or the norm.

According to the experience of educators, many adolescents lack this healthy normality.Many children understand the benefits of delayed gratification, but others clearly lack the ability and experience.Some children grow up to fifteen or sixteen years old, but still lack the awareness of "hardship first, enjoyment later", but just reverse the order, and they can easily become "problem students".Their IQ is not inferior to others, but they are unwilling to study hard, resulting in their grades falling far behind others.They speak and act on impulse.As long as the whim, they frequently absenteeism or truancy.Their reluctance to think and their lack of patience can easily jeopardize their social life: fighting, being in the company of drugs, deliberately embarrassing and confronting the police are commonplace. "Enjoy first, pay later" has become their motto.They need psychotherapy most, but it is often too late.Adolescents who are emotionally motivated usually don't like to be interfered by others. Even if the psychotherapist can slowly resolve their hostility in an objective, fair, and friendly manner, it is difficult for them to actively cooperate with the entire treatment process.Their subjective impulses are too strong, and they often avoid regular treatment.All the efforts of psychiatrists often end in failure, and eventually these children leave school and wander in society.Their adult lives are also extremely bad-unhappy marriages, distracted, distracted, prone to accidents, and mental institutions or prisons may become their final destination.

Why is there such a situation?Why do most people have enough self-control to avoid the consequences of coveting temporary comfort, but a considerable number of people do not know how to delay gratification, and eventually become losers?Among the reasons, the medical community is still inconclusive at present, and the only answers lack sufficient basis. The role of genes is not obvious, and other factors have yet to be scientifically demonstrated, but most of the signs show that in this regard, family education plays a considerable role. big effect.