Chapter 15 2.You are not looking at yourself, but others and society are looking at you through your eyes

Remember the psychologically powerful Socrates' argument that the philosopher, freed from bodily desires, saw the world of ideas?In the novel written by his disciple Plato, Socrates used his genius imagination and told a somewhat sad story with a grim expression. There was a cave, very large, with a long passage connecting it to the outside world, through which only a very weak light came in.Some prisoners have lived in the cave since they were young. Their heads, necks, legs and feet are bound. They cannot walk or turn their heads. They can only look forward at the cave wall.Above and behind them, a torch is burning, and between the torch and the prisoner is a path and a wall.And behind the wall, facing the fire, there were other people who held various puppets and made the puppets perform various actions.The prisoners saw the images projected on the wall in front of them and mistook the images for the real thing.

At this time, a prisoner was released from the shackles. He stood up, looked around and walked out of the cave. Then he discovered the truth of things. It turned out that what he saw was all illusions, and there was a bright world outside.So he no longer wants to live this dark life, and wants to rescue his companion.However, when he returned to the cave, his companions not only did not believe every word he said, but felt that he ran up there for a trip, and his eyes were scorched by the sun after he came back. That's how to identify "image".Since they didn't want to leave this familiar world at all, they killed this kind man.

Very sorry, in Plato's eyes, the philosopher is the one who came out of the cave, saw the light, saw the truth of things.And most of us are just the group of "cave people" who have been staying in the cave and mistaken the phantom for reality.It is painful to say this, but it must be said that the non-philosophical mind spends most of its life in appearances and innumerable false selves. There have been three very severe blows to human pride. The first blow was made by Copernicus, a Polish bull in the 15th century.At that time, human beings were quite narcissistic, thinking that the earth was the center of the universe, and they themselves were the darling of the universe, but Copernicus told everyone that they were wrong, and the sun was the center of the universe (although everyone now knows that the sun is not).Thus the earth is but a lonely planet in the whole infinite universe, and man is but a creature cast upon it.

The second blow was done by Darwin.At that time, human beings thought that they were created by God and were a unique species, so they despised animals very much.But Darwin's unassailable argument with the theory of evolution is sheer nonsense.In fact, humans are transformed from monkeys. The third blow came from Freud, who grimly pointed out that human arrogance is so ridiculous that, in fact, he could not dominate himself in his own home. What Freud meant was: what controls a person is not his real self at all, but a false "self"!In fact, we are never strangers to ourselves, and in the grip of our false "self" we are terribly afraid to meet our real selves!Like my friend's boss, whoever lets him see his true self will kill him psychologically.What's more, many people are like the "cave man" in Plato, who will kill whoever wants to let them see their true self!

Decades after Freud uttered these words, his student Fromm raised a shocking question in the United States: "If movies, radio, television, sports events and newspapers in our Western culture were closed for four weeks, What is the effect of these people being cut off from their main avenue of escape from their true selves, who are thrown back into a state where they must rely on their own strength?" I once brought it up and asked people around me: "If you are told not to surf the Internet for a week, not to play mahjong for a week, not to watch TV for a week, not to pick up girls for a week, and not to eat, drink and have fun with others for a week, what will you do for a week?" What do you do when all the avenues that prevent you from being with yourself are cut off?"

Hard to imagine, isn't it?Let's examine this behavior first: looking in the mirror. Generally speaking, after washing our face and putting on makeup, we have to look in the mirror and try our best to make our face look more beautiful.I can't help but ask here, how many people have had this experience: when you see your face or your whole body in the mirror, you will suddenly have such a thought, is this person in the mirror me?Is that face in the mirror, that lump of flesh really mine?Am I like that? What I mean is, when you look in the mirror, do you suddenly have a sense of strangeness to the "self" you have never seen before?

I want to say that if you have never had a sense of strangeness, then you have been a slave in the slavery of the false "self", and the voice of your inner self, you have not heard the voice of your inner self; and if you realize , but killed it right away, thinking that this idea is funny, you are also a master who is used to selling yourself. On the surface, looking in the mirror is just a private act, just looking at our face.But, wrong!It is not that we are looking at ourselves, but others and society are looking at ourselves through our eyes! Psychologically, your face is totally a social face!The person looking at this face is not the real you at all, it is just you as the "agent" of others and society, which is the "false self".The real you has no psychological connection with this face.

Therefore, if a person suddenly has the idea of ​​"Is that face in the mirror really mine?", then, after a little thought, he will find that this face is completely a prop of society, And I don't know it at all! If our hearts have been controlled by the false "self", then there is only one ending: we, like my friend's boss mentioned above, are very afraid that the suppressed and stifled self will wake up one day.In order to do this successfully, we try our best not to let ourselves be idle, even if we are alone at home, we never dare to listen to our inner voice.How many people can sit alone in the dark for more than half an hour without doing anything or thinking about other things after a sudden power outage?Many people are busy and keep doing this and that. In fact, in many cases, this is an excuse to avoid getting along with themselves.He is terribly afraid of meeting his true self in the dark.

What happens when a person has no escape from being with himself?I have transcribed Fromm's answer below: Exaggerated?not at all. Under the order of social value ranking, what a person has most can be sold, and he likes to take it as his "self" the most.When a person becomes an official, that official position becomes his "self."Because, compared with the attributes of being a father, a former farmer's son, a drinker, and a boxing spectator, the social value of that official rank is the highest.He has to identify with his own "self" psychologically, and at the same time has an expectation or "command": others should also identify with him in the same way!

If a person's awesome "self" is not enough for him to control certain scenes and interpersonal relationships, and he still uses this "self" to deal with others, he is not a bully, but a fool. A help-seeker T in the system complained to me, saying that he had encountered a very depressing incident, so let's watch it together. Recently, the higher-ups want to give our unit a batch of computers.However, one office is not enough, so we will definitely buy a few units at that time. The ones given above and the units bought by the unit must be the kind of integrated graphics cards. Anyway, they must not be able to play any large-scale games.

I asked the office director if I could configure the computers in our office.Anyway, if I spend the same amount of money, I can make it myself, and I can definitely get a better one, so that I can play games.I think I am a director, and I am also engaged in finance, so he should agree to this matter.I didn't expect him to say to me, I'm afraid it won't work. I think his purpose is not to let me buy it, because he is the director of the office and he has the right to decide what to buy.He didn't want others to get involved in his power to decide what to buy.Even a pile of scrap iron. I admit that I have selfish intentions. I want to play games and get a good computer. This is the purpose.But when it comes to weighing his interests, I don't seem to be taken seriously. When I was talking to him, seeing his unhappy expression, I really wanted to slap him twice, and then I wanted to go over and ask him: "I don't want to do such a thing, right?" But I still endured it.But very upset. First of all, as a senior taxpayer, I want to severely condemn and seriously protest the behavior of civil servants and public institution personnel playing games at work, and I solemnly suggest that the leaders spank their butts.It's not a child, isn't this outrageous. Premier Wen Jiabao said long ago: "The people are supporting you, you can do what you want!" But in an analytical sense, of course I want to be value-neutral.I told T that he made a mistake: he took that awesome "self" too seriously, which allowed his emotions to be aroused without hindrance, and instantly lost his ability to compete with the office director.In other words, because T has this false "self" and is psychologically manipulated by it, the director of the office can defeat him in an instant as long as he starts to ignore his "self". Success is also "self", and failure is also "self". We need to figure out what the hell is the ego?What is true and what is false, and how does the latter form and manipulate people? Assume that A can kill B, but he is a bit perverted, so he says to B: "If you eat shit, I won't kill you." In order not to die, B grabs a handful of shit and eats it.But feces were too unpalatable, so he said to himself: "Poop is actually gold, and eating poop is a symbol of getting rich. Besides, people can drink urine to survive, so what does it matter to eat feces to survive?" " See, B doesn't like eating shit at all, and knows that shit is not gold, but in order to survive, he has to lie to himself, so that he can eat shit with peace of mind and taste better. But if B thinks: "I have to choose between being killed and eating shit. Of course I don't like them, but I have no choice but to balance the two powers and choose the lesser one. In order to survive, I have to eat shit. I Just bear it!" I would like to ask: In which case is B's self real, and in which case is it a counterfeit version? The answer is very clear: first, B adopts a psychological defense mechanism called "rationalization", that is, when he does something, he needs to find a reason to convince himself that he knows it is funny in his heart. "It is the copycat version; the second type, B is very rational when eating shit, facing reality, and the self that issued the "eating shit order" is real. We have the first criterion for judging whether a person's ego is real: in doing so, is he confronting reality, or is he employing a psychological defense mechanism? The second criterion is that when you do something, whether you realize it or not, if you are just playing a role, the role is not the real you, because you are actually an actor. There is a boss in Dongguan, Guangdong, the "world factory", who is one of the "Top Ten Charitable Figures in Dongguan". Where there is a flood or an earthquake, he always donates generously.It is not known whether he has learned from the famous performing artist Comrade Zhang Ziyi lovingly caressing orphans and disabled children and crying.But you may never have imagined that such a benevolent man, his brothers who are working hard in the workshop don't even have social security.Note that no one stipulates that the boss must be a philanthropist, but the state stipulates that he must buy social insurance for the workers.Are you saying that "charity figure" represents the boss's true self? The third criterion: Is a person's "self" used to strengthen the heart, or is it used to destroy the heart? A person's real self is always connected with his heart, while the false "self" has little connection with the heart. If a child becomes an "obedient child" because he is afraid of being beaten and scolded by his parents, then it is very likely that this "obedient child" is not the real him, but he will definitely imagine that it is him. real look.And the original real him, he no longer dared to experience, even dared not admit and remember, because under the threat of beating and scolding by his parents, doing so was very dangerous and painful psychologically.Over time, he will develop into a situation where he not only faces the world with the image of an "obedient child", but also psychologically deals with the world with this false "self". What happened in between?It is the child's true self, which has been expelled and suppressed in his psychological structure to the dark depths of his heart, and it is difficult to awaken.His psychological structure, thus driven by the false "ego", represents "he". You must have a question: Why is it false to say "obedient children" such as "self"? Is "obedient" wrong? There is nothing wrong with being "obedient" in many cases. Moreover, when a person is young, because his self is relatively weak, he needs to absorb many things to make his heart and self stronger, such as absorbing knowledge and attracting correct values.The question is: how did these things get into his psychological structure, and how did they treat his heart! If "obedient" is not based on the guidance of parents and children's thinking, but the product of threats of beatings and scolding, then when the "self" such as "obedient children" enters the child's psychological structure, it takes the threats from parents, threats to him, Coercion and control were also brought in, and a brutal denial of his true self was carried out.The newly formed "self" does not empower his heart, on the contrary, it becomes a kind of enslavement to his heart, because it is the "agent" of the parents' will under the threat of beating and scolding.As long as such a "self" and the threats, coercion, and control associated with it exist, he will not be able to eliminate his psychological weakness and fear! Therefore, parents should pay attention, the family is a place full of love, and any education that makes a child feel fear instead of love will destroy his heart. Of two adults, why is it that the more false a person's "self" is, the weaker his psyche?The reason is: when a person's psychological structure is driven by a false "self", as long as the outside world hits him, he can no longer awaken the real self in his heart to resist, but can only use the false "self" to resist. But the tragedy is that that false "self" is precisely controlled by the outside world! The fourth criterion: the "self" that violates humanity and reason is always false. What do we mean when we say that one's self is "real"?It means that it conforms to human nature in the sense of nature and rationality in the sense of society.A "self" that violates these two points must be false, because it means a deformity and distortion in one's heart. If you treat the weak as human beings with dignity, that is your "true self".Because, first, it is in line with human nature, "everyone has compassion"; second, it is in line with rationality, if you don't treat the weak as human beings, logically speaking, you don't think of yourself as human beings either. However, you don't necessarily feel that the weak have dignity.For example, a poor person, you will not sympathize with him and think he deserves it.You may think that this "self" of yourself is real, that this view of you really represents your real thoughts and experiences.However, it is a "false self".The reason is only: first, it is not in line with human nature; second, it reveals a cruel fact that you no longer regard yourself as a dignified person, or as someone with more power and wealth than you When people don't treat you as a dignified person, you have accepted it. Where does the false "ego" come from and take over? I would like to ask a question first: Why can't we remember things before the age of three or four?And after three or four years old, after trying hard to recall, we always have some impressions? Please don't answer me with words like "because of how the brain develops before the age of three or four".We are analyzing people's psychology to find out which black hand is manipulating it, rather than doing scientific research on neurophysiology. Reducing psychology to neurophysiology is a big joke.The British psychiatrist Ryan earnestly taught us not to believe the lies of physiologists and some psychologists. They think that they can understand what we are thinking by deciphering the information of nerve cells in the human brain.Ryan asked back: Even if you figure out the movement rules of my mouth, tongue, and throat when I speak, can you understand what I am talking about? The answer is very simple: before the age of three or four, people's consciousness is basically chaotic, and there is no "self" consciousness at all. How can "I" recall things before there is no "I" consciousness? When a person is very young, he does not have a unique "self" psychologically, and his birth is only physical, not psychological.For a baby, the mother is the whole world, and he has not yet separated from the mother in consciousness. However, from the first day of life, a person "exists".As a human being, he accepted an order: to make himself and others live like "human beings".That is to say, as a human being, rather than a pig, you have an "existence stipulation", which follows your existence and is deeply engraved in your heart. Whether you realize it or not, it stipulates What kind of person you should be stipulates that you should be free and be a valuable person instead of becoming a pervert and a bad person. There is a voice in the dark telling us not to kill. This is not only the voice of social morality, but also the voice of human nature.If you kill someone, you have violated this rule. Even if no one knows that you did it, you will be punished by humanity. Why does a person hate himself inexplicably?The very important reason is that he failed to become what the "prescriptiveness of existence" required him to be.The true self that comes from "existence" hates him who betrays himself or does bad things. A good person will eventually be rewarded by humanity, but a bad person will not be able to escape the pursuit of humanity in his life.The person who kills his own humanity will also kill him. After the child is three or four years old, he gradually has a consciousness of "I".Fromm once cited a novelist’s example in a novel to illustrate that once a person realizes that “I” is a unique individual, it is equivalent to suddenly waking up in front of the world. Waking up in front of the world and having "self-awareness" is a huge thing for a person, because he is finally born as a "person" psychologically. However, this also means a danger!Having acquired "self-awareness," a man is cut off from the world and exposed to the guns of a strange and dangerous world.Adam and Eve lived well in the Garden of Eden without wearing clothes, which is equivalent to human childhood.But after Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden, it was impossible not to wear clothes.When a person grows up, it is absolutely unacceptable to be naked in the sense of "existence". If he wants to mix in society, he must wear clothes psychologically! These clothes are the "self". The process of people putting on the clothes of "self" is called "socialization" in sociology.What did he suck in?There are too many, friends, relatives, knowledge, ideals, values, money, God, nation, country, occupation, hobbies... Its consequences are: On the one hand, a person absorbs the best things in the external world and turns them into his own self, making him stronger. For example, he has learned a lot of knowledge and has a weapon to analyze and deal with the world. . But on the other hand, many of the things sucked in are precisely the colonists and the invading army.For example, the society believes that money is the only way to be successful and talented. If this concept is instilled into a person's ego structure, then he will identify with his and other people's ego with his economic status, which is tantamount to handing himself over to others. go out.This type of false "self" constitutes a person's weaknesses, as long as they find ways to identify and trigger them, they can achieve the manipulation of a person's psychology.In addition, once a person lets this false "self" control himself, unfortunately he does not have much money, and as long as others belittle him as a "poor ghost", his self-esteem will immediately collapse. There are two ways for the false "self" to occupy our hearts: one is that we see ourselves as who we are and carry out "self-identification"; When it comes to who you are, you are happy or unhappy. A college student went to an interview one day, and he was not nervous in front of several examiners.But in front of a group of people who are not the chief examiner at all and who must show some respect in front of the chief examiner, he feels inferior. The situation is like this: Before the interview, all the people participating in the interview gathered in a conference room, and everyone discussed with each other.At this time, he suddenly discovered that their academic qualifications were very high, and he was only a junior college student, let alone a key university, not even an undergraduate student. He usually believes that a diploma cannot measure a person's true level and quality.But when he actually appeared in front of a group of people with higher education than him, the power of this recognition suddenly collapsed. He believes that this is a conflict between two selves.One is that diplomas are not the point, and the other succumbs to the ranking of diplomas.These two selves are fighting, but the former fails the latter. However, he was wrong. There are no two selves here, only one: the "college student" who succumbs to the social value ranking and bows his head in front of undergraduates, masters, and doctors.Thinking that academic qualifications are not the key point is just a kind of understanding, which only exists in the brain and has not yet entered his psychological structure.That which does not enter into the psychic structure, which serves a psychic function, is not the "self"!We have countless thoughts every day, all kinds of strange things, but whether they are fleeting or appearing from time to time, they don't have much entry into the mental structure, and they are not "self". Therefore, thinking that diplomas are not the key point, this kind of understanding can't drive his psychological function at all, and it can't get rid of the "self" who succumbs to the ranking of academic qualifications, so he can't stop his inferiority complex. Of course, from another perspective, there are also two selves: one is the true self and the other is the false self.Unfortunately, in the situation of his interview, the true self only appeared when he interacted with the examiner, and disappeared strangely when he was with the group of highly educated people. The reason is that he has broken the psychological deterrent of other people's status, identity and other "strong" things to him.However, I did not expel the "self" of the diploma from my heart. Diplomas are really great in China, because the society values ​​them too much, forcing a person to give them meaning in their hearts.I once read a report by the Propaganda Department of a certain county in the west, which enthusiastically praised a female master of forestry who "resolutely gave up a good development opportunity in a big city" and went back to support the construction of her hometown.The report quoted the female master as saying that she would try to use her "scientific and cultural knowledge" to make "due contributions" to the construction and development of her hometown. Will this report make you pissed off?A female master's degree who might not even be able to find a job in cities like Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, or Shenzhen immediately turned into a treasure in the eyes of a county in the west.It can be seen how important the education background is in the packaging of a person.Knowledge (although logically, having a degree is not the same as having knowledge at all) is the most "legitimate" in terms of packaging a person's identity, status, priority in allocating resources, and even monopoly power, and everyone is most convinced of this.Therefore, many of our parents and officials now have a master's degree or a doctor's degree, so that for a while, Zhang Ping, the current director of the National Development and Reform Commission, only had a technical secondary school degree, and it became news. I believe that this female master, like the comrades in the Propaganda Department, is a talented actor.Judging from this report, the scene was extremely grand, as if it was "respecting knowledge and respecting talents".But when the drama is overdone, it turns into a comedy.Holding a female master's degree like a baby who might not even find a job outside can only make the public servants of that county look like bumpkins.I once told a friend with a Ph.D. and an associate professor title that if you go to that county, you will definitely be awesome.