Chapter 9 Chapter Eight Who We Are

suspicious person Suppose you are a girl and you love your boyfriend or husband.One day, you have a meal with a male friend outside, and then your boyfriend or husband suspects that you have an affair with him, or he himself is a suspicious person, after returning home, let us imagine this situational dialogue. Man: What is the relationship between that man and you? Female:…… I would like to ask: how do you answer?The technical difficulty I gave is: to really convince him to clarify his doubts. Not making trouble, it's just because he couldn't find a reason and had to calm down temporarily, but he still doubts you in his heart!

If you answer "Do I have a problem with eating with others?" "Are you doubting me?" or try to explain, I want to say, wrong! What you are facing is not only your boyfriend or husband you love, but also a suspicious person, or a person who is willing to doubt because he is afraid of losing you. In order not to affect your relationship, you must first enter his inner world. What kind of person is a suspicious person, or a person who is willing to doubt? To describe it is: he has no sense of security, is self-centered, doubt is the shield he first uses for psychological protection when dealing with the world, and hangs on it first to avoid possible harm.

They don't really prevent themselves from trusting anyone or anything, but they must first do this, first protect themselves, let themselves stand in the position of a subject, and then judge and play games. For example, if a woman is at home, her suspicious husband will feel safe because he can control the situation "at home", but if she is out, he will not feel safe because he has no control over what she may do. So I would like to reveal that suspicious people, people who are willing to doubt others, have another side that is not well known, that is, they are prone to become sadists.The reason is very simple. If a person is suspicious of everything and has a defensive mind, then he actually cares very much about whether he can control some order and who he can control.

When he is not in control, he tends to use doubt to defend against any possible harm. If he is in control, he must firmly control it.Because that's the only way to truly feel safe. How to dispel the doubts of a suspicious person, or someone who is willing to doubt?According to his psychological tendency, there are two tricks. The first move is to show your self, you are no longer a threat to him, which is equivalent to letting him disarm you psychologically, and he is safe.And if you don't believe in you, there will be moral pressure. I suggest using this trick with caution, or when you are forced to do nothing, because if you use it, it means that your relationship with him is unequal. You admit that you are weak in front of him, and he can control you.The second trick is to guide him, so that his final feeling is his own judgment.This is the same as for a stubborn person, you can't convince him, you can only guide him and let him convince himself.

OK, back to the situational conversation we imagined earlier.What should you do? Let's think about it, when your boyfriend or husband asks you this sentence, what happens in his heart?Happened: You have an affair with that man!At the same time, he presupposes psychologically: you will quibble, and you will not admit it. So why is the explanation at best pacifying and not alleviating his doubts?Because you catered to his psychological presupposition, and did not lead the matter to the right track that will ultimately be convinced by his judgment, but you are trying to convince him! Saying "Do I have a problem with eating with others?" "Are you doubting me?" This shows that you are very sensitive, and your sensitivity is also consistent with his psychological presupposition, which can only make him more suspicious: "Ha, she has Ghost, how about such a big reaction?" At the same time, you aroused his psychological protection: "I asked you what your relationship with that man is, and you actually accused me of having a problem."

This is actually a kind of confrontation. Asking back, "You have eaten with other women, do you have any abnormal relationship?" I started to touch the edge of the real problem, but it still didn't work.Because of this language routine, it didn't cut into his psychology at all.He must think that he is normal, but you are not normal, so he will not admit to your "if it is normal for you to eat with other women under similar circumstances, then it is normal for me to eat with other men" . what to do?Go one step further.Situational conversations can become. Man: What is the relationship between that man and you?

Woman: (pretending to be innocent and confused, giving him a smile) Is it normal for a woman to have dinner with a man? male:…… Well, at this time, your boyfriend or husband will ask "is it normal" or something like that, right?That means, you can guide him. You can answer something like this: "Have you ever had dinner with another woman?" What happened to him psychologically at this time?He would go through it quickly in his mind, had he ever had dinner with another woman.Of course he has eaten, at least he has female colleagues, or female classmates, right?If he confirms, then he won't have the original confidence!

Next, a smart woman can guide him to come to this judgment: "It is inevitable for a person to eat alone with the opposite sex. After all, everyone has one or two close friends, classmates, and colleagues!" In the end, you are normal, not you told him, but your boyfriend and husband's own judgment! Many people often can't hold back the words in their stomachs, and it is very uncomfortable not to speak out. I want to tell everyone that if you meet this kind of person, please believe that he is a good person, at least he has no intention of harming others.Get in touch with him and you're safe.

The reason why a person can't hold back his words, and he feels relaxed and comfortable when he speaks out, is because he thinks these words are very important, and if he doesn't say them, he will either be sorry for others, or he will appear dark. That is to say, if he doesn't speak out, he will be under a lot of pressure. Therefore, being unable to hold back your words is actually a kind of secret psychological protection.He is afraid of others suspecting that he is immoral, reserved, not honest, afraid of any attempt to harm others, and afraid of others thinking so. In other words, a person who can't hold back his words is also a person who is afraid of offending others!

He exposed himself and exposed himself to the public, which is equivalent to this situation: in the game, even if no one asks, a person will take the initiative to strip himself naked to prove that he is not armed. At the same time, when he stripped himself naked, based on psychological protection, he also unilaterally signed a psychological contract with the other party: I hope you can treat me honestly, because I have no defense ability. However, how many people can return honesty to those who can't hold back their words?On the contrary, if it is in the game, a person doing this can only be a kind of suicide: strip himself naked, expose himself to the light, and then allow people in the dark to attack him.

Therefore, we can't hold back our words, we have to look at the object and the situation, and we can't just pursue the ease of speaking, because the other party may not understand, or even be willing to understand why you speak out what you are holding back! Compared with people who can't hold back their stomachs, people with a deep city can't hold back only one thing, that is, when the opportunity arises, it will be beneficial to them. When we speak, when we are angry, when we are happy, it is an exposure of ourselves.But a person can't keep pretending to be dumb or an idiot in order not to expose himself, can he? How do you look like a normal person without revealing yourself?People with a deep city government are very good at this. The psychological trick they play is: not to let the mental structure directly connect with the world, but to firmly control it with the intellectual structure.That is to say, don't allow yourself to have spontaneous and normal emotions, but to be invisible.At the same time, on some occasions, the expressions, gestures, actions, and language he wants to play are just performances under the control of an intellectual structure, which are the needs of the situation, and do not carry information about his true self. Well, in those cases, you don't see his ego at all. A person with a deep city, when dealing with others, has a very strong defense in his heart, and will not really trust anyone in his heart.Because he trusts a person, he psychologically releases his defenses against others. Nor do we feel safe psychologically when we are confronted with someone who is deeply in the city.The reason is that he hides in the dark and can attack us at any time according to his interests or psychological needs.And we are exposed to the light and cannot understand him, so we cannot defend against him psychologically. In response to this threat, what we adopt is only an alternative and thus ineffective psychological protection strategy: that is, despise him and loathe him.The principle is: to gain a psychological advantage in front of him and cover up our insecurity in front of him through active attacks on value and emotion. For a rookie, the only thing he can play is to laugh and talk innocuously without substance, which is actually very stupid.Because he speaks like this, although the purpose is to make people unable to see his true thoughts, but this kind of low-level performance just brings out his "self" as a deep-rooted person!Through psychological analysis, on the contrary, we can see his psychological motivation! Therefore, those who are deep in the city at the master level simply disdain to play like this. What they want to play is that no matter their words or expressions, they have no personal color and no self-characteristics. What they want to play is the abstract power and game rules behind them.His existence is reflected in these things, not himself!Can you see from a leader when he makes a stereotyped report that it belongs to him, not the characteristics of the officialdom? The best way to defend and deal with people who are deep in the city is to use two moves: first use the way of their own to deal with them, and then suddenly use the way that they are afraid of to deal with them! The taciturn ones also hide themselves in darkness, but they are a different social species from the deep ones. A person's city is very deep, which means that he has to control himself not to say words that can expose himself.And a person who is silent does not want to speak to the world. There are probably several types of taciturn people like this. One is the real honest man. They are just a lowly character in this world, sort of valued by society, a loser.Because it is impossible to expect a miracle to change their fate, they accept their fate, and the psychological protection method they adopt is to withdraw to their own homes, no longer have any appeals to the world, and do not want to say anything. For this kind of honest person, it is quite simple for you to ask him to talk, just to give him a sense of security, intimacy, and trust. One is a person who is psychologically distorted and withdrawn, but has a strong aggressive heart.Their extremes are cold-blooded killers. There is a saying "If you don't say a word for three days, you will have a big belly ghost", which refers to this kind of people.They just didn't speak to the world with their mouths, but they kept saying it in their hearts, but we usually didn't hear it, or didn't pay attention to it. Because they have suffered psychological trauma in the process of growing up and have relatively low self-esteem, therefore, being silent is a psychological protection strategy: on the one hand, they hide themselves so that the world cannot catch his ego and cannot defend him; Staying in the dark and watching the world made me psychologically threatening to the world. For him, when others pull him into the open to observe, it is extremely dangerous psychologically, because his psychological protection has been disintegrated.Therefore, he hates those who pay attention to him or discuss him intentionally or unintentionally. Avoid this kind of person if you can. When you have to deal with him, defend him in your heart, be friendly, don't joke with him, don't ask him too much, this is my suggestion. There is another kind, that is, people who have already expressed disappointment with the world and are already very tired.They often refuse to give up themselves, but in this world, they feel helpless and powerless.So, like the first type of people, they also withdraw from the world to their own homes, only pursuing inner peace, and don't want any more entanglement. But it only means that the people they meet are not worth talking to.In their hearts, they still hope to have someone who can really talk to them. If you have to compare people, then maybe not many people are willing to be compared by others. However, some people psychologically always want to force themselves to compare and defeat others, otherwise it will be very painful.They are competitive. For competitive people, competitiveness is no longer a situational and immediate psychology, but a psychological tendency. For example, Kobe Bryant in the NBA is not only competitive, but also molested others after defeating his competitors. It seems that he is a bit perverted, and what he pursues is the pleasure of humiliating others with the role of "winner". Why is a person so competitive?He couldn't have been born.Then, one can think: before that, something must have happened to make him become like this. At the same time, a person who is competitive means that he is afraid of being inferior to others. Therefore, it seems that something is driving him to compare others. He cannot help himself, and he dare not stop to face himself.All he knows is that he wants to be better than others.This is his way of psychological protection. So what is he afraid of? In the past, things like this might have happened: a. When I was young, my family environment was bad, poor, or my parents were at odds, so I was ridiculed and despised by others, and I felt very inferior; b. When he was a child, his parents kept instilling in him the idea that he must stand out and be better than others. If he didn’t obey, he would be beaten and scolded. If he couldn’t do it, he would feel moral pressure and fear; c. When I was young, I was ridiculed and bullied for other reasons. These three situations have a common feature: the past frightens him, and he wants to escape. And to have enough psychological motivation to escape the ridicule and contempt of others, as well as the expectant and threatening eyes of his parents, he has to tell himself that he must do something.Thus, the eyes of these people became the way he looked at himself.He has to police himself. In this regard, competitiveness is actually a different kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder. If he is not strong, what will happen?Quite simply, the existence of a competitor will give him a stimulus that knocks him back to the previous fearful situation at an unconscious level.The existence of competitors is equivalent to those who ridiculed, despised, expected, and threatened him. Therefore, for him who dare not face himself, psychologically, his competitors are equivalent to those who gave him nightmares in the past.He projects his fear and hostility towards the latter onto the competitor. What if he is stronger?So, those who laughed at and despised him when he was a child, can he still do this psychologically?For his expecting and threatening parents, can he still give him moral pressure or fear of threatening to beat and scold him? And is it possible for his defeated competitors to stimulate him back to the fearful situation in the past? We can imagine that when a competitive person defeats his competitors, he must have humiliated the latter in his heart, because this is equivalent to his revenge on those who laughed and despised him in the past.And showing it publicly like Kobe can only show that the shame given to him in the past is too deep in his bones. But for this kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder, it is not enough for a person to be strong once or twice, because as long as it is not strong once, those nightmares will come back. It is in this way that we discover the weakness of competitive people. The biggest weakness, of course, is his inability to beat his competitors.Second, his suffering is inevitable because he cannot be strong in all aspects. Even if he wins, it is very easy for others to attack him. After all, for a competitive person, he is psychologically forcing himself to look good and compare himself to others.Victory, then, is meaningless in itself and must be performed for several kinds of people: himself, those who constituted his past fearful situations, and those with whom he competed. That is to say, he actually cares a lot about how others perceive his victory! An impatient person is an impatient person. Psychologically, why do they become like this? Let's first describe what is "impatient". There may be the following situations: Man A and woman B are husband and wife. Every time before going out, man A always gets impatient with how woman B dresses up and urges her to go out quickly; C and D are classmates, C tells D one thing, speaks very slowly and indirectly, D urges hard, tell me something quickly! Did you see that when female B and student C were unhappy with things, male A and student D seemed very restless and anxious, and by blaming each other, they hoped that the other party would quickly eliminate their anxiety and anxiety, right? However, looking at the first situation again, is there any feeling that man A's enthusiasm for woman B has cooled down? Does he only think about himself? If he is in the stage of passionate love, he may not be like this, right? In the second case, is student D impatient with C's expression? What do we see in it?That is: man A and classmate D, to a certain extent, are both egocentric, impatient to consider for each other, or hope that each other will follow their own way. But here, I want to emphasize that an impatient person must be egocentric.But an egocentric person is not necessarily impatient. We have seen that behind the impatient person is some kind of anxiety and anxiety in his mind. Once combined with egocentrism, the truth will come out: Or, a short-tempered person has a little conceit in psychology, so he hopes to dominate some things by himself, and is not used to accommodating others; or, he has no sense of control over some things, and plays in other people's way, and he can't grasp the certainty psychologically , unable to defend against. The common feature is that they all have a psychological background of anxiety.Psychologically, impatients are also a kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder based on psychological protection: quickly let them establish an order and see a result, they will grasp something and can fight against this psychological background. Trying to provoke and tease a quick-tempered person will be seen as a provocation, because you are trying to hit his activated psychological protection, which will provoke his other psychological protection-anger-to respond to you.Impatient people get angry easily when things go wrong, because the real situation is often not what they want. One way to defuse a quick temper is to say "don't worry" gently or kindly.He will be quiet, because at that moment, he is no longer a psychological animal manipulated by psychological protection, and realizes that he has to take care of others, or that things cannot be done according to his own temper. The way to torture an impatient person is very simple, just get the slow person with him. The performance of the quick-tempered and slow-tempered ones seems to be opposite, what is the matter with the latter? We already know that a quick temper is an egocentric person, and so is a slow temper. The difference between them is only: impatient people show impatient to go along with others, they care about the way others deal with themselves, while slow people focus on maintaining their own way, they don't care how others play, but they refuse to go along psychologically other people. Do you see it?They are also egocentric. They have to maintain their "self" out of psychological protection, but the direction of psychological protection is opposite: quick-tempered people point to others and are aggressive towards others; while slow-minded people point to themselves and maintain their own set , not aggressive towards others. why?The answer is: the psychological background of the impatient is anxiety, and it is a kind of torture for him to behave slowly, so the way to get rid of anxiety is to change others so as to adapt to his own psychological protection; while the psychological background of the slow is the disapproval of the world Trust, he wants to use his own way to establish an order, to gain a sense of psychological security, or a sense of control over the world. So, it’s not surprising that an impatient person can be very talkative and warm to you as long as you don’t torture him slowly, but adapt to him; Not much enthusiasm, because he can't throw himself out into the world. That is to say, he has mentally retreated back to his own home, waiting for an opportunity to attack when necessary, but the impatient has not retreated.Instead, he is always ready to attack and expand his territory. In this world, there are honest people who swallow others' bullying, but there are also vengeful people. It is normal for a person to want revenge when he is hurt by others.Why are those who hurt others not punished?It's not fair. But when revenge becomes a person's psychological tendency, it is relatively strong, and he is obviously different from others. What kind of person is he? This kind of person has a characteristic: they will not take the initiative to bully or hurt others.But if others bully or hurt him, he must take revenge, no matter what means he uses.For him, tolerating other people's bullying and hurting him is psychologically impossible to survive. So we can find that vengeful people have signed a psychological contract with others: you should respect me and not hurt me. And when he became a vindictive person, he must have been hurt before! There are generally several situations that make a person prone to revenge. One is that he has a strong sense of justice and hates certain people. Therefore, if these people offend him, he must take revenge. Revenge is psychologically equivalent to punishing evil. The other is that he is more inferior.Because of his low self-esteem, compared with everyone, he has a subconscious feeling that everyone owes him, and his inner language is "I am not as good as you, it is not fair. So you should respect me, not hurt me", this is a psychological contract.Therefore, if someone violates this psychological contract and hurts him, he will definitely retaliate. An Lingrong in "Zhen Biography" is such a person. Another is that he has been hurt before, and he has the fear of being hurt again, so once he is hurt again, out of psychological protection, he must retaliate, and the more afraid he is, the harder he strikes.The Israelis have never let go of the pursuit of the Nazis, and they have never been merciless in their revenge against the Islamic terrorists. It is precisely this kind of psychology. How to judge a person with a strong vengeful heart, which type does he belong to? Let me provide a standard for identification here: If a person has no ideological pursuit, no beliefs, convictions, etc., then he must not be the first type of vengeful person, only the second or third type; if he Just a person who looks useless, then, he is the second type.The third type of person is often the strong. There is a kind of people called "good old people", their existence seems to be used by those smart people. But others only show enthusiasm with him when they need to use him, and they seem to value him, and they don't need to look at him at all.He thought that pleasing others was a way of being popular, but he didn't know that they were just using him instead of really looking down on him. Good old people always give people an image of being useless, incompetent, and talkative.When others ask him to help, he dare not refuse others, for fear of offending others.He has a sense of morality in his heart, and he feels sorry for others if he doesn't help others. Sometimes after giving myself to help others, I hate myself, but often continue to do it. He was actually lonely and afraid of being ostracized. Here I want to say that a good old man is not a good man, and a good man is just pretending, but a good old man is a psychological animal.The two are similar in appearance but not in spirit, and are different psychological species. Let's walk into the inner world of a good old man and ask: why is he afraid of offending others, why does he want to leave a good impression on others, why does he have the moral sense of feeling sorry for others if he doesn't help others? That is to say, why does he care so much about others and what others want from him? The answer is: he subconsciously feels his own humbleness and sense of worthlessness, and has been numb and escaping from himself. Then, if someone takes the initiative to ask him for help and makes him feel that he is worth something, the opportunity to be valued will come.Others ask him for help, in a sense, it is actually a prescription for him to treat his sense of self-worthlessness. Therefore, if the good old man has always expected to have a good relationship with certain people and get their attention, then when these people speak up and help is easy, he will be very happy to do it.Because in this case, it is not he who helps others, but others help him psychologically! Human psychology is sometimes so embarrassing. But if the person who asks him for help is not someone he has been looking forward to building a good relationship with, or if the help is not easy, he will fall into a struggle inside. The reason why he is struggling is that it is not others who help him find his sense of self-worth at this time, but that he has to give himself to others.Then, there is a faint feeling in his heart that he wants to pay for others or even be used by others, and he wants to refuse. However, he was afraid.Because if he rejects others, he will plant the hidden danger that others may hate him and hurt him. But if it's just that, he's not a good old man, but someone else.The reason why he is a good old man is that under such circumstances, he still has a sense of morality to speak! For a good old man, the sense of morality has two functions. One is that he is indeed a good person, and he cannot explain to himself if he does not help others; The fear of offending others is not to think about the consequences if I refuse others, but to examine myself: If I don’t help others, I obviously don’t know how to behave, so I’m sorry for others! So, with a sense of morality, he finally convinced himself psychologically to help.But I also know that this is self-forced.So, he hated himself again: why am I so incompetent, why should I sacrifice myself to help others? Of course, if someone else rewards him, he will be compensated, and this feeling will disappear.But what if others ignore you in the future?He will have a feeling of being played and used by others as a fool.The psychological consequence is: hate yourself, hate others. What does it mean to hate yourself?He will feel more and more self-worthless, and his self-deprecation will be more serious.And being worthless means that one expects others to value him more, and expects others to give him a chance to value his self-worth! What about hating others?Because he has a sense of morality, at the moment of hatred, he may hate everyone in the abstract, thinking that everyone is playing tricks on him, but what he hates is actually only the abstract people and the people who played him, not other concrete people. people!This is the one difference between a moral person and a psychopath who has no morals!For the latter, as long as one person hurts him, he will hate everyone, whether it is abstract or concrete. Therefore, despite being tricked and used by others, if someone asks a good old man for help, he will still help, because he has no hatred for that person, and because he hates himself, he will feel less worthless and expect others to value him more. Someone needs to ask him for help! This is the biggest tragedy of the good old man: he has set himself a trap psychologically, and he can't get out of it all the time, a vicious circle that gets worse and worse.Some people spend their entire lives being used by others, living a worthless life, and unable to find a sense of self-worth. We have to be good people, but we can't be good people! The first step to get out of the psychological trap is to learn to refuse; the second step is to learn to examine yourself. If your relatives and friends are good people and you can’t change them, how can you make them change?Here I have two more ruthless tricks: first, tell him that those people just want to use him and look down on him at all, and then ask him, how much do you help relatives and friends?The second one is to tell him, generally speaking, if one wants to help others, one must have ability. What is your ability? The first trick is to arouse his sense of morality towards his relatives and friends; the second trick is to arouse his sense of self-worthlessness, forcing him to face himself instead of looking for feelings by helping others.These two tricks are fighting poison with poison. When encountering a moody boss, many people will probably be very depressed, because you can't tell his temper at all.If you're not careful, you'll piss him off. Who is a moody person? Let's think about it, if you said two good things to me during time period A, I would be happy; if you said something else to me during time period B, I would be angry, what does that mean? Explain that you are just a tool to satisfy my emotions.I mentally presupposed: I, boss, you have to cater to me. In other words, moody people are egocentric! But if they are compared with people who are deep in the city and old people, why are they not afraid that their joy will expose themselves, and their anger will offend others?They are not all the strong in society, they have the power to scare others, and some are useless and moody. So it can be seen that a moody person is not only egocentric, but also has a kind of hatred for the world, which can make them feel unscrupulous.When he is moody, there is a subconscious pleasure of deterring others. The slightly different thing is that a moody strong person can psychologically control the consequences of playing with his personality, and he can do whatever he wants, but a moody weak person has a mentality of playing rogue, that is, breaking the jar and throwing things. How to deal with moody people? Where they are most successful is in using emotions to arouse our emotional responses.Think about it, if the boss is happy, what is the most correct response he hopes we have?Just stand on the side and follow the joy.What about when he is angry?Of course, we hope that our most correct reaction is to be sincere, sincere, apologetic, and be careful. That is to say, you have to cooperate with his emotions, and psychologically, you have to be involved in his emotions, so that he always has a sense of control and deterrence over you! So, what he hates the most is your emotions against him.Of course there's no need to do such a stupid thing. What if instead of confrontation, just polite non-cooperation?This exposes his weakness: as long as you are not involved in his emotions, but stand aside and look at him, he will be psychologically weak in an instant, and he will definitely look at you differently when he is shocked by you. Therefore, it is far better to listen to a moody boss politely, smilingly, and calmly watching him lose his temper than to appear panic-stricken. Dealing with a preoccupied person is very tiring, because they have to settle the big things with you, and they will never let themselves suffer. Moreover, they also have to hold on to trivial things, which is annoying. It is actually very easy for a person to make himself so preoccupied. Psychologically, he is transformed into two kinds of people. One is a person who succumbs to the ranking of social values, but has no ability or confidence to make himself bigger and stronger.Such a dream could only do him harm.For him, the so-called "emotional investment" and "giving to others first, and then trying to return it" are all nonsense, because in his bones he no longer dares to trust others, nor does he dare to expect anything from others. That being the case, let's withdraw, withdraw to the secular life, withdraw to the trivial things that you can grasp, and don't let things be blurred in terms of interests and relationships, so as to establish a psychological boundary with others and grasp your own interests. something to grab.It can only be this way. The other is the person who is insecure about what he has.That being the case, they have to protect every bit of it desperately, because losing a single bit will logically lose everything psychologically. Caring people are invariably vulgar, snobbish, and short-sighted.They are not shrewd people, but play the part of a shrewd one. A wayward person is a spoiled child who hasn't grown up psychologically when he grows up. Strange as it may seem: Be selfish with your parents, and that's fine.However, if you are self-willed with your friends, aren't you afraid of offending others?Why should others give in to him? The answer is: he regards others as parents, and psychologically expects others to tolerate him like parents. For a self-willed person, how beautiful life was when he was a child, he could do whatever he wanted, in order to maintain his status, he would use all kinds of means to act like a baby and spoiled.Gradually, he became an egocentric person. When he grew up, he separated from his parents, and slowly discovered that in fact, others did not have the obligation to pamper and tolerate him, and he was frustrated psychologically. So, he refuses to grow up psychologically.Being self-willed in front of friends is actually a kind of unconscious "intentional".He must mentally repeat his past life. That is to say, in the past, his self-willedness was for his parents to see, but now, although he is self-willed towards friends and others, he is actually showing it to himself. He must prove to himself psychologically that he is still so self-willed. great. But other people are really not his parents. Therefore, in order to blind oneself, willful people must develop another kind of psychological protection, which is narcissism. Nothing can make us feel better than pointing at others, saying that this is not good and that is not good. If we have power over a person we are picking on, it will be even more enjoyable. Anyone who likes to be critical has a hidden pain in his heart: he is not satisfied with himself. To be picky, in its psychological meaning, is actually to seek out and magnify the shortcomings of others, and then belittle and attack them, so as to avoid facing the self, so as to avoid falling into the anxiety and frustration of being dissatisfied with oneself.That is to say, he projects his dissatisfaction with himself. Unfortunately, the person who is projected is you.但请放心，一个喜欢对你挑剔的人，在内心深处，可能还觉得不如你行。喜欢挑剔的人大致有三种类型。 一种是完美主义的，多见于工作狂人。他对自己要求很高，但当然不可能做到。what to do?投射出去，看到别人所做的不行，或认为不完美，就会激起他对自己不满意的焦虑，所以，他就会发作，而一发作，那当然体验到的，就是别人不行，而不是他不行了。 挑剔别人，其实是他对自己的一种督促和惩罚。只是，他没有意识到而已。 所以，遇到这类挑剔的人，尤其他又是你的上司，大可不必郁闷。你只是他针对自己的一个媒介而已。也许你应该做得更完美一些，这样，因为他必须对追求完美的那个自我认同，如此一来，就必须认同你。 让上司看见他很想看见的自己，不要让他看见那个他最不想看见的自己，这个道理可能谁都懂，但如果不知道上司的那个“自我”是什么，根本就用不上。 另外一种类型，是一个人骨子里对自己并不满意，有一种挫败感，这些情绪弥漫在他的心理结构中。他恨自己，但认为别人对自己的失败也有责任。 于是，他就通过挑剔，来对别人进行报复。 一个总嫌自己的子女做得不好的人，大抵就是这种类型。 还有一种，心理就更阴暗了。就是一个人知道自己不行，但在心理上不允许别人比自己行，于是嫉恨，挑剔就是给嫉恨的发泄找一个借口。 一个短暂易逝的机会，从来不等一种人，那就是优柔寡断的人。 一个优柔寡断的人处于不知如何选择的焦虑之中，而看到他那种样子，别人也会不安，因为我们骨子里讨厌不能决断所带来的那种不确定性和拖延，喜欢干脆点。 让我们想象一个场景，来看一下优柔寡断的心理真相。 有一个人在网上买一个耳机，比较来，比较去，评论都看了好几页，最后决定要买A款式的；但下单之前又犹豫很久，找了一堆这种款式的好评才最终下单。 买一个耳机，他为什么搞得那么累？ 可以发现优柔寡断的人有一个特征：对陌生的东西没有安全感。当要面临选择时，对于他来说就像是一场心理折磨，因为选择似乎要把他带离熟悉的“现在”，抛入一个陌生的、不能预知的世界里。 对这个人来说，在没有打算买耳机的时候，他熟悉了没有耳机的生活了，感觉很安全。但有一天，他受时尚的影响，或是需要，想要买一款。那么，在他心理上，也就意味着，因为耳机这个因素的存在，他原有的生活，可能要打乱了，他害怕这一点。 因此，他把对生活可能被改变的焦虑，投射到了耳机上，非常在乎耳机是否好，非常在乎别人对耳机的评价。他激动，但又担忧。 对于他来说，买耳机，做出一个选择，就像是一场赌博，而赌注就是给他安全感的“现在”。 一个喜欢和别人较劲的人，其实是一个在内心里自卑，害怕得不到关注的人。和别人较劲，其中的一个真相就是不择手段地突出自己的存在。 为了理解喜欢较劲的人，我们先看一下叛逆期的孩子。 进入青春期后，一个孩子开始需要有一个自我的独立性的证明了，而这，就需要摆脱父母的控制。 但父母还是习惯于控制他，在心理上，仍然只是把他当小屁孩。 那么，为了证明自己的“自我”是独立的，确立自己的存在，而不是父母的附庸，叛逆的孩子就表现为：你叫我往东，如果我往东了，那就意味着我和过去一样，仍然是听你的话，没有独立的自我，体验不到自己的存在，所以，我一定要往西。而如果你不叫我往东呢？我往东，当然就是我独立意志的体现了，可以让我感觉到我的自我是独立的，我有存在感，尽管我往东，其实也是父母内心希望的。 一句话，无论有理没理，他就是要和父母对抗。 喜欢较劲的人，也是有理无理地和别人对抗。 和叛逆期的小孩一样，他们有找不到独立自我，找不到存在感的焦虑。但前者的确是受到父母的压制，他们则是在和别人的对比中，感觉到一种压抑，因此对世界有一种莫名其妙的恨。如果你的出现刺激到了他，那么，他就会想尽办法在你身上找到存在感。 所以，一个喜欢较劲的人，除了突出自己的存在，被人关注，还有另一个真相，就是报复。当他这样做时，眼睛一定充满了仇恨和不屑。 仇恨可以理解。为什么充满不屑啊？ 回答是：在别人面前，他骨子里其实是心虚的，没有心理优势，只能通过不屑来给自己鼓劲：我比他牛多了。 所以大家看到一个人对你很不屑的时候，要知道，他只是在告诉他自己，他比你牛而已。 我想问一下：一个喜欢较劲的人，在别的方面找不到成就感，所以，只能靠这样玩来在心理上生活了。是不是有点可怜？ 发现一个喜欢较劲的人，一个喜欢挑剔的人，一个斤斤计较的人，一个喜怒无常的人，一个小人，一个恶人在心理上其实是多么可怜，正是我们超越了心理动物档次的标志。 革命导师卡尔·马克思教导我们：“理论一经人民群众掌握，也会变成物质力量。” 我们要确立这一崇高信念：用理论武装起来的人民，是战无不胜的！ 对这段话，伟大领袖毛主席补充：“枪杆子里面出政权！” 而作为革命群众甲，我也补充：“很多理论都可以提炼为方法来运用，而且，不同的理论，可以融合、提炼为一种厉害的方法！” 我想请大家记住：如果一个人不能把理论提炼为方法，或学不会别人根据理论提炼出来的方法，他其实并没有掌握理论，只是“知道”理论是说什么而已！ 能够用方法来把理论用上，转化为“物质力量”，那才是理论的最高境界。 当然，这个“物质力量”，你怎么用，就可以怎么理解，正如你了解了一个朋友的心理，是用来帮他；但商家了解你朋友的心理，目的是操纵他，赚他的钱！ 任何一个领域的牛人，都需要一套观察和分析世界的方法来武装自己，因为只有这样，他的头脑和心理才能和世界的秘密建立联系，从而识破世界，抵挡世界，把握世界。如果有人说，他什么理论方法都没有，那一定是装，装天才。 励志大师荀子就揭穿过这种装。他苦口婆心地对我们说： “登高而招，臂非加长也，而见者远；顺风而呼，声非加疾也，而闻者彰。假舆马者，非利足也，而致千里；假舟楫者，非能水也，而绝江河。君子生非异也，善假于物也。” Do you see it?荀老师说，一个人牛，主要是“善假于物也”。 对于我们来说，所谓的“一眼就看穿什么什么”，正确的解释是：在此之前，已经用理论、方法有了N次实践，才形成了敏锐的直觉！ 这个道理，连欧阳修笔下那位长期摆摊卖油、幸运地没有遇到城管的小贩都懂：“无他，唯手熟尔。” 我们已经知道：一个人之所以成为一只心理动物，之所以在生活中、工作上、头脑中和心理上都出现问题，恰恰是因为世界和自我的门没有向他打开，或打开得太小了。 现在，我们要用力打开这扇门。 关于方法的讲解，我遵循的是由浅入深的原则，尽最大限度可以操作。 但如果谁要求我弄出一套可以傻瓜式操作的东东，让懒人也可以学会，我只能遗憾地告诉他，犀利的心理分析是一门技术，也是一门艺术，不是计算1+1=2，它是做不到这一点的——它讲究搞懂原理基础上的灵活性、情境性，要求头脑和心理都很敏锐，实在无法还原、简单化成头脑的傻瓜式反应！ 这一点，我相信你懂的。