Chapter 31 7.No reward for passing the exam

We have always paid attention to encouraging Yuanyuan in all aspects, but we only gave her spiritual encouragement, and almost never used material rewards.In learning, the "no reward" policy is implemented. I mentioned in another article "There is only a "record book" but not a "record book" that our reward for Yuanyuan is to write down her praiseworthy things in a small notebook and draw a little red flower.Even if this kind of "painting cakes to satisfy hunger" is not used as an incentive for learning, there is not a single red flower in the small book because of good test scores.

The policy of "no reward for passing the test" is adopted, and of course there is also a policy of "no criticism for failing the test".That is to say, in our place, it is normal for her to do well in the exam and fail in the exam. We will not be elated just because she passed the exam, and angry and disappointed because she did not do well in the exam. Of course, there are no related rewards and punishments. It’s not that we really don’t care about her academic performance in our hearts. As parents, we also strongly hope that she has good academic performance, but this desire has always been locked in our hearts and transformed into the processing and thinking of daily details, rather than often Show it in words and expressions.

Parents may worry that their children will not study well if they do not remind or stimulate them in learning. This kind of worry is unnecessary. As far as the current social life is concerned, the importance of examinations has been exaggerated to the point where there is no shortage of "score fields" around children.From the very beginning of school, children naturally know the importance of good grades.Parents don't need to say anything, and the children will try their best to get a good grade.Even if the parents do not reward, good grades themselves will bring him great happiness, which is enough to form an incentive.

The indifference of parents in terms of grades is just a balance to the phenomenon of excessive exaggeration of grades by society and schools, and brings the child back to a down-to-earth learning mentality, preventing him from being stressed or becoming vain in his studies. In our experience, if parents don’t exaggerate the exam and don’t strengthen the score, the child will always be more calm in the exam, so that his study attention will not be distracted, and there will be no pressure in the study. Not only will it not affect the child’s grades, but also In the long run, it can promote learning progress.

Yuanyuan's academic performance has basically satisfied us all the time. When we look at her grade book at the end of each semester, we always feel very happy.We might take her to buy a really nice dress for the holidays, but only because it looks good and it's time to buy her one, and we never associate her test scores with it. Exam results are rewards in themselves. A faint "very good" and the joy in the eyes of parents when they close the grade book are enough to motivate children to make persistent efforts. One mother told me that she uses many methods to motivate her children.After the child passes the exam, take him to the playground, buy brand-name sports shoes, eat Western food, and even promise to take him to travel abroad if he passes the exam to a certain level.But each method can only be used once or twice, and then it is useless, so the child's study has not improved.

This mother seems to have used many methods, but there is actually only one way to analyze her, that is material stimulation, the difference is only the prize. A man's love of prizes depends on his want and need in this respect.Parents who have come from the age of material poverty often think of material stimulation, which is a legacy of the era of supply shortage. As far as today's children are concerned, there is not much material shortage, so material rewards cannot really stimulate their enthusiasm.Even if it can bring some motivation, it is staged and will not last for a long time, and learning requires a persistent attitude.

Material rewards cannot fundamentally solve the problem, but will produce many side effects. First, it diverts the child's learning purpose. If a child studies for a pair of roller skates, he will become utilitarian in his studies.You may get good grades in a short period of time, but once you get this pair of shoes, you will slacken your studies.Vulgar rewards can only bring vulgar motivation. It prevents children from focusing on learning itself, taking prizes as an end, but learning as a means, and the real goal is lost. Secondly, it corrupts children's learning spirit of seeking truth from facts.

What is most needed for learning is an interest in knowledge exploration and a down-to-earth learning attitude. This is the fundamental motivation and fundamental method to maintain good grades.Presenting rewards as bait for learning is a form of bribery in which adults demand that children reward themselves with grades.It makes children no longer have a pious heart for learning, but instead spend their minds on how to exchange for prizes and how to please their parents.This makes the child's heart always suspended in mid-air, worrying about gain and loss, vanity and impetuous, and it is difficult to be single-minded and down-to-earth in learning.

Third, it makes children feel antagonistic towards learning. There are variables in any exam, and no one can guarantee good grades in every exam.If a child wants to get a pair of roller skates very early, the parents say that if he can enter the top ten in the class in the exam, he will buy it for him.As a result, the child ranked twelfth in the test, and the parents said that they would wait until the next test and entered the top ten before buying.Parents think this can motivate children to keep working hard.Because the child has talked with his parents first, he will also promise to strive for the top ten next time, but he will involuntarily worry about the next exam.Next time he enters the top ten, he will be temporarily happy, but it won't be long before the parents will definitely put forward new conditions in the new round of exams.Every exam is a hurdle that he needs to overcome. Once he does not do well, he will feel frustrated.Before he knew it, he became disgusted with studying and hated exams.

When using incentives in children's learning, we must consider the internal relationship between the method and learning, and don't let the two form a conflict.The same is to buy roller skates, if you change the way, the effect will be much better. If parents know that their child wants to get a pair of roller skates before the test and are going to buy them for him, it is best not to say anything before the test and not to ask the child for any ranking.When the child got the twelfth place back, he said to the child with appreciation: Yes, we are almost in the top ten.Then he changed the subject and asked him if he wanted to buy roller skates, just because he had time to play during the holiday.

In this way, the "disadvantage" of taking the twelfth place in the test is described as an advantage ("fast forward to the top ten"), followed by the thing that children look forward to buying roller skates-the test scores and the purchase of roller skates. There is no conflict between the two things of roller skates. The child has established a good conditioned reflex between these two things, and the thought of "learning" will be accompanied by a pleasant emotional experience. No matter what the parents think, the feeling you give the child must make him feel simple and happy.Give him roller skates, not because he entered the top ten, just because he likes roller skating; give him a hundred yuan, not because he got 100 points in math, just because he wants to buy Jay Chou's new song—— —Do not refuse without reason or reward at will, especially do not attach any learning-related conditions to the normal needs of the child. There is another situation to be aware of.I have seen a parent who rewards her children with "time" instead of money and other material things.Her 12-year-old son likes to surf the Internet, and she wants him to study hard.She later figured out a way to stipulate that every time her son took an exam, as long as he scored 85 or more in one subject, he would be rewarded with 2 hours of Internet time. The idea seems plausible on the face of it, allowing the child to study hard while satisfying his internet cravings.Her method seemed to be effective at the beginning. The child scored 85 or more in several subjects, and she rewarded the child with "time" as promised.The child is very happy.But as time goes by, the number of children with "above 85 points" is not increasing as expected, but there are fewer and fewer children, and the desire to surf the Internet has never been less.Because of this, there were more and more conflicts with her.The incentive scheme was declared a failure. Analyzing the reward method of this mother, it is actually the same as the material reward mentioned above, which creates an opposite purchase relationship.What the child lacks most is time, so let him use his grades to buy it.Time here becomes a variant of matter.The problem is that this kind of purchase relationship is often not realized due to the "learning" aspect, or the realization is not satisfactory enough. Children cannot get enough time to play games, and they will have antagonism towards "learning" in their hearts.This antagonism made his grades worse, he got less time, and then he performed worse academically—and things went into a vicious cycle. This mother asked me what to do. I think about it, generally speaking, playing games is also a necessity for children. If you can let him play, let him play as much as possible. Don't just take away a child's hobby.If your child really plays too much and affects normal learning, you can make playing games opposed to another thing he wants to get, and make playing games a must-do "task" for him to get that thing, Maybe neutralize his interest in the game. For example, if he wants to buy an 800 yuan mountain bike right now, you tell him that every time he surfs the Internet, he can earn 10 yuan, and when he earns enough money, he can buy a bike. What should be noted here is that you should not express your aversion to games in your tone, and treat this as a child's normal hobby.In this way, he used to go online once a day for four hours at a time. Under this policy, he may go online four times a day for one hour each time.To earn 800 yuan, you need to go to the computer 80 times, which cannot be achieved in a day or two - that is to say, it is a little difficult to design, no matter what you use as a "prize", don't let him get it easily - 80 on the computer Second, it will take half a month and twenty days.During this process, you continued to stimulate him with mountain bikes, making him feel that the process was rather long and that surfing the Internet had become a task. For a child, once he feels that something is a task, he will feel a sense of hard labor at the same time.After doing this, by the time he finally bought a mountain bike, his interest in the game had probably been greatly dampened.If after a period of time his interest in the game rises again, you can design the next "reward" in this way.Be careful not to let your child perceive your true intentions throughout the process. I think if my "method" is heard by the child before I do it, it may make him think it is a bad idea.But without his knowledge, he should be willing to accept this method - the Internet addiction has been relieved without pain, the conflicts with parents have been reduced, and some damage has been reduced in his life growth.This may be important to him now and in the future.This should be a way to solve the problem, but also a way to prevent problems. Parents should also be reminded that pure verbal rewards should not be excessive. Only when a child is unsure of his own abilities does he need external praise and affirmation to stabilize his self-confidence.No matter in what matter, as long as the child has formed a relatively certain ability, there is no need to praise him frequently, otherwise he will feel artificial and cheap, which will make him doubt himself. For example, Yuanyuan sewed a doll's clothes for the first time, and I sincerely praised her. When she sewed the fourth one, I no longer needed to praise her with words like "you sew really well".I said "Your stitches are more even and the edges are straighter than the last one".Such praise sounds more real to her and can bring a sense of accomplishment. Praise is too much, it is better not to say it.There are various channels for parents to express their sincere appreciation for their children. In addition to direct praise, they can also be expressed through little things in daily life.The meaning of not hitting children and not overly praising children is actually the same. Parents do not disturb children's self-cognition. In the development of children's various good conduct and habits, random rewards will not help the child's flight, but will become a stone hanging on the child's wings. "No reward for passing the exam" is precisely to avoid doing children a disservice. ●Adopt the policy of "no reward for passing the test", and of course a matching policy of "no criticism for failing the test".That is to say, in our place, it is normal for her to do well in the exam and fail in the exam. We will not be elated just because she passed the exam, and angry and disappointed because she did not do well in the exam. Of course, there are no related rewards and punishments. ●Parents' indifference in grades is just a balance to the phenomenon of excessive attention to grades in society and schools, and pulls the child back to a down-to-earth learning attitude, preventing him from being stressed or becoming vain in his studies. ●Vulgar rewards can only bring vulgar motivation, which prevents children from concentrating on learning itself, taking prizes as the goal, but learning as a means, and the real goal is lost. ●For a child, once he feels that something is a task, he will feel a sense of hard labor at the same time. ●Only when a child is unsure of his abilities, does he need external praise and affirmation to stabilize his self-confidence.No matter in what matter, as long as the child has formed a relatively certain ability, there is no need to praise him frequently, otherwise he will feel artificial and cheap, which will make him doubt himself.