Chapter 32 Chapter 5 Wisdom for Parents
When Yuanyuan was one year and three months old, her father took a leave of absence from his original unit and went to work in Xiamen.I was still working in my original unit at the time, living alone with my children, and faced great difficulties.And the elderly at home were unable to come to help at that time.
Yuanyuan's grandma lived in another county, seven or eight hours' drive away from Jining City, Inner Mongolia, where we lived at the time, and her grandpa was unable to take care of himself at that time and needed someone to take care of him.Her grandma lives in a farther city, and it takes more than ten hours to take the shuttle bus. There is also a lot of work at home, so she can't leave.But her grandma told us before Huiyuan was born that if she was busy with work, she would send the child back to her hometown to take care of her.Now knowing that Yuanyuan's father is going to work in other places, he is even more eager to ask me to send the child back, saying that she will definitely take good care of the child.
I know that my mother-in-law is a clean and quick person, and also very loving. She is definitely better at taking care of children than me in terms of food and daily life.But I declined, I want to take care of the children myself.At that time, we had found an old lady nearby who would drop off the child when she was at work during the day and pick her up after get off work at noon and evening, four times a day.After the husband arrived in Xiamen, I discussed with the old lady and added some money to her, so I stopped picking up the children at noon.But I don't take it easy.Since having a child, the housework seems to have been multiplied by 3, and it has become more.In the past, her father was at home, and the two of us worked alone and the other took care of the children. We were so busy, but now I have to work and take care of her by myself.
Yuanyuan had just learned to walk at that time, and it was the most tiring time. She stumbled around and was restless for a while.And full of curiosity about everything, wanting to move about everything.I can't take my eyes off her for a moment, and I have to take her wherever I work.
When cooking, take the small urinal into the kitchen and try to coax her to sit on it and not move; Put her into the washing bucket first when I put the clothes on. While she is still a little fresh in the "new environment", I quickly rub the dirty part of the clothes in the washbasin with my hands.
But she doesn't want to be manipulated by me. Often when I am in a hurry to cook, she hugs my legs and hugs me; when I want to wash the dishes, she refuses the toys handed to her and asks me to tell stories. ;I was in a hurry to finish my meal and go to work, but she spilled the food all over my body and needed to change my clothes again... I was so busy from morning to night that I didn't have time to rest, and I really felt that I needed to grow my head and six arms to cope.
I have never been very good at doing housework.The youngest in the family, with two older sisters and two older brothers, was used to doing nothing since childhood; after getting married, he met a hard-working man, and let him do almost all the work in the house.It's really tiring to be alone, busy with children, housework, and work all of a sudden.
My blood pressure dropped to such an unbelievable level that the doctor thought I should be in bed, but I was doing just as much.
The mother-in-law was worried, and sent a message again, asking me to send the child back.My elder sister in another city also wanted to help me with my child. Her son was already in elementary school at the time, and she was not too busy with work and was quick to do things.I know that they are very good at taking care of children, but I still decided to take care of them myself, and declined all their kindness.
I can persist in this way mainly because of two considerations.One is children's enlightenment education.My mother-in-law has never been to school, so she is definitely not as good as me in this respect.The second is to consider the child's feelings.I think for a child, no matter how much her grandmother and aunt love her, she still needs to see her mother every day. No one can replace her mother in terms of a child's emotional needs.Many people around me send their children to the elderly who live in other places, and visit their children once a month or a few months.They all said that the child is young and ignorant, and he will not miss his mother after crying for a few days, and it will be fine if he gets used to it.I don't think it's that simple. This can be felt from Yuanyuan's bewilderment when she suddenly couldn't see her father.
Although she can't speak, but from some of her performances and occasional expressions, I can feel that her little heart must be sad because she hasn't seen her father for a long time.If she couldn't see her mother again suddenly, and she didn't know grandma and aunt very well, it's hard to imagine how painful the child's little heart would be.At the same time, I also considered that if I gave her to my grandma or aunt now, and I took her back two or three years later, she would have a long period of emotional loss.
Benjamin Spark, an American child psychologist, believes that "after a few months of birth, children begin to love and trust the one or two people who often take care of them, and regard them as a reliable guarantee of their own safety. Even a baby as young as half a year old, Also because of the sudden departure of the father or mother who took care of them, they lose interest in people and things, do not smile, do not think about eating, and are severely depressed mentally. Warmth or indifference, trusting or suspicious, depends largely on the attitude of those who are primarily responsible for their care during the first two years of life."
Even if these concerns don't exist, I still have to take care of the child myself just to witness the child's growth day by day.I hardly hesitated on this question.
A year after her father arrived in the south, I also took a leave of absence from my work unit, and we started traveling together.We have been unable to stabilize for several years, and we have been very busy and tired at work; but we always take Yuanyuan by our side and never let her leave for a day.It's not that the whole process makes us feel how difficult, how bitter and tiring, on the contrary, the "difficult" time is very short and passes quickly.Kids are actually getting better with it.Under the personal upbringing of her parents, Yuanyuan has developed very healthy both intellectually and emotionally. She does not have any problems that make us headaches that are difficult to solve.We have always felt that it is simple and convenient in all aspects, including diet and daily life.
The ease in this aspect, the older the child is, the more it will appear.We even have a kind of regret from the bottom of our hearts-how the child grows up so fast, and he suddenly grows up before he has played enough.
Some people around see that we never seem to worry about our children, but our children have good grades and are sensible. They think it is easy for us to be parents, so they envy our good luck.
At this time, I can't help but think about how some parents neglected their children when they were young.Some people "focus on work"; some people are busy drinking and socializing; some people are intoxicated on the mahjong table all day long.I even saw a mother who insisted on giving her three-year-old child to her mother-in-law who lived in another county just out of jealousy of her mother-in-law taking care of the baby.Such parents, when the child is young, they do not pay attention to his emotional needs and educational needs. When the child grows up and has various problems, he complains to his child, laments his own life, and laments that it is not easy to be a parent.
Parents put in a little more hard work during their children's infancy, and it often has the effect of four or two thousand dollars.This "payment" is the most cost-effective "investment" in the world.If we do this in the wrong way, if we don’t pay attention to the child when he is young, and don’t take education seriously, when the child grows up, I don’t know how much trouble it will cause.Who can clean a scribbled paper?
I saw something from the "Beijing Youth Daily".A Shanghai boy named Chen Yu dropped out of university and ran away from home. He has not heard from him for five years.The parents went out to look for it many times but failed, and they still don't know where it is.Chen Yu's parents are both high-level intellectuals. After Chen Yu was born in 1987, his parents were busy with their careers, so they sent him to his aunt's house in other places, and they didn't receive him until he was five years old.It is conceivable that it is abnormal for children to leave their parents at a very young age.When his real supporter became his aunt, he was separated from his aunt at the age of five, when he had formed a relatively stable relationship, and he was thrown into a new strange environment.
Parents only dispatch their children according to their own needs. Have they ever considered that this is not a plant or a small animal, but a person with rich thoughts and feelings; how could they have imagined what kind of psychological trauma the child will suffer during this process.
It can be seen from the lines in the report that when the parents got along with Chen Yu later, there was a lack of family communication and harmony in communication. There was a serious gap between the children and their parents-many children raised by others for a long time, after returning to their parents , will show disharmony with their parents.From the fact that Chen Yu resolutely left the family and would rather make himself an "orphan", we can speculate on his inner pain for many years.His parents, both now retired, realize they may have lost their son forever.
What a sad thing.
Over the years, the "Chen Yu style" parenting style has not aroused widespread doubt.Entrusting the child to a reliable person and concentrating on work, this separation of "birth" and "nurture" not only has not been criticized, but has become a deed and proof that some people, especially those who have achieved success in work, are praised.
In recent years, with the advent of the era of parenthood of the "post-70s" and "post-80s", and the large number of rural migrant workers entering the cities in the process of urbanization, it has become a mainstream phenomenon to have children without raising them.
Whenever there is a conflict between the interests of adults and children, adults always choose the initiative and are the strong side; children always choose the passive side and are the weak side, so it is always the children who make sacrifices and concessions.Push out the responsibility of raising children. The damage of this kind of parenting method to children will not appear immediately, but the child will not make sacrifices and concessions in vain. Any bad growth process will leave traces in his life and become a future influence. A lesion in his quality of life also brought a lot of trouble to the whole family.
The problem of "left-behind children" in rural areas has begun to attract people's attention, because the first batch of left-behind children have grown up, and some common problems in them have been revealed, but the problem of "foster children" in cities has not attracted people's attention.
Urban "foster children" are not necessarily sent to other places, most of them live with their parents; it's just that their real caretakers are grandparents or nannies.In terms of space, they are with their parents and can see them every day or once a week.In essence, because their parents don't care about them, they have the same growth situation as left-behind children in rural areas.This situation deserves more attention.
Three years ago, I came across such an example, a 10-year-old girl with a strange temperament and poor academic performance.On the one hand, she shows that she is very attached to her parents and cares about her parents' attitude towards her; on the other hand, she quarrels with her parents every day, has constant conflicts, and never listens to a word from her parents.Her parents are very capable, and they are both important persons in charge in the unit. The financial conditions of the family are very good. Since the child was born, a nanny was hired to take care of the child at home.The mother went to work three months after giving birth to her, leaving the care of the baby entirely to the nanny.
On the surface, the child has been living with the parents, but because the parents are busy with work, they leave early and return late every day, and often travel, the child stays with the nanny from morning to night, and even sleeps with the nanny at night. The child lives in his own family, but like a "foster child", they lack the opportunity to get along with their parents.In this case, the child became dependent on the nanny, and the nanny loved the little girl very much, and the two had a very good relationship.Every time the nanny went back to her hometown to visit relatives, the child didn't want to leave, and it was even more sad than her mother's business trip.
But when the child was 4 years old, the parents and the nanny had a conflict over the issue of remuneration, so they resolutely fired the nanny and found another nanny.The child and the new nanny can't get along, and they are arguing all day long, so the parents change the nanny again, and they still can't get along, so they have to change again.During the several times of changing the nanny, the child has grown a few years, and she stopped making trouble, but no matter what nanny came in, she refused to talk to the nanny.In this way, the child is practically alone at home every day.Parents are still busy with work and have little time to communicate with their children.Once in a while, just ask about your child's test scores or take her out for a meal.It wasn't until the school teacher informed the parents that the child was absent from class to meet netizens outside that the girl's parents became anxious.
My mother brought her child to me, but she didn’t have any self-reflection in her speech. She just thought that the child had problems and expected me to do “ideological work” for the child. Therefore, the current situation of the child I mentioned was related to the parent’s parenting attitude. point of view, she showed great reluctance to accept.
When I reminded her that she should not give the child to the nanny completely, and ignore the attachment relationship that has already been formed between the child and the first nanny, she was a little unhappy, saying that many families have their children helped by the nanny, and whoever does not Changing babysitters, the family's children did not have any problems.When I asked her to have enough time to talk, play and read with her children every day, she got a little angry, saying that I was so busy with work, how could I have time to spend with her, and that my parents didn’t care about me when I was young. Is it growing well.And when I finally gave a suggestion, if your work makes you much busier than ordinary people, and you really don’t have time to take care of your children, then find a way to change jobs. You used to be too indifferent to children, and now you have to spend a lot of time and energy. Make up and repair, the child is already 10 years old, I am worried that if it is pushed back a few years, there may really be no chance of improvement.
The words "change jobs" made the mother completely angry. She showed obvious emotions at the time and ignored me again.I heard recently that this girl was sent to a "walking school" by her parents.The main job of this "school" is to conduct "militarized training" for students, that is, they have to walk a long way every day, practice standing in a military posture, and gather in an emergency. Anyone who disobeys will be beaten. The "school" charges a lot, but still recruits a lot of students.Many children are like this girl. Their parents are very busy, their families have good financial conditions, and their children are very incompetent, so they are sent here to be rehabilitated.I also heard that the headmaster of this "school" has a child who is incompetent, and he started this "walking school" by training his son.His son didn't train well, and he was still like that, but Cheng Quan became the "principal" as his father, and made a lot of money.
I couldn't help but sigh in my heart, how easy it is to spend money on "education", but I don't know what they finally bought!A big problem in modern family education is that parents can devote their lives to their children, but they are unwilling to devote their time and thoughts to their children.
Those who oppose career and raising children, those who don't care about the time and quality of getting along with children, those who don't understand the feelings of children in detail, it's not that they don't love children, but that they don't think getting along with children is an important thing.To them, a child is no more than a treasure or a small animal that can be temporarily deposited with a trustworthy person and can be retrieved at any time intact.They don't see that infants and young children are living people with thoughts and feelings, and every situation in their growth will leave deep traces on the children-if a puppy is fostered in someone else's house, it will be affected by it. The caregiver suddenly changes and shows discomfort, and the child is not a porcelain bottle that can't think at all.
When a little child calls you mom and dad, it is not a matter of lightly agreeing, it requires you to pay a lot of time, energy and thought.Now that you have decided to have a child, you must be responsible and attentive to the child, and treat getting along with the child as a very important task.Don't send the child back to his hometown easily, let the elderly or relatives help him.Try to find a way to keep the child by your side, and it is best to see the child every day.There are practical difficulties, which should be overcome by the parents, not by the children.
Even if you live with your children, you should also be careful not to only pretend to work and socialize in your heart, and just take out the leftovers of your little energy and time to allocate to your children.Don't be indifferent to your children's needs, take the matter of getting along with your children seriously, and don't let your children be placed in exquisite rooms, but become spiritual "left-behind children".If it is necessary to be separated from the child frequently due to objective reasons, we must also find ways to minimize and reduce the child’s emotional loss, such as allowing the child to establish a relationship with grandparents or other temporary caregivers in advance, and giving them frequent The child calls, communicates with the child more, and visits the child regularly, so that the child can feel that the parents care about him all the time, and minimize the child's sense of loss.
God created man to love his children naturally, so that parents can raise their children with heart. Any reason such as "busy at work" should not be a reason for you to not care about your children.We work hard to create a better future, but in the end we have troubles in the "future of the motherland"-children's education. What's the point of doing this "career" for the family and the country?
The role of parents is so important. If you say it is young, it is related to the fate of a child, and if you say it is big, it is related to the future of the whole nation, so it must be done piously, and it must not be neglected, otherwise it will be a crime of duty.If parents can understand the importance of every day and situation in children's growth, and know that these situations will have a huge impact on their children, then parents will naturally have the ability and methods to take care of their children and work.There is always a reason for wanting to do something, and there is always an excuse for not wanting to do something.
Chi Li, a famous contemporary female writer, said, "I found that from ancient times to the present, children are the same, but parents have undergone tremendous changes. Nowadays, too many parents only want to spend money on their children, and are unwilling to spend time, energy and thoughts. In essence, the parents have become confused, selfish, blind, stupid, and lazy." Her words were sharp and hit the nail on the head.
I can’t just criticize the parents, I also want to say to the older generation—the children’s grandparents or grandparents, maybe you have rich experience in raising children, maybe you have just retired and are still in good health, maybe your children Your help is desperately needed now, but in any case, you don't have to "do everything" when it comes to caring for your grandchildren; The process of taking care of the children carefully and carefully; they cannot become parents and still suck the pacifier psychologically, without considering their own responsibility to this little person in addition to providing economic security, as well as providing emotional and emotional support. Responsibility for education.So you might as well do less on this matter, and push more things to your children to do by themselves, so that they can further mature themselves in the process of learning to be parents; this is very important for their two generations. Important, very meaningful thing!
●A big problem in modern family education is that parents can devote their lives to their children, but they are unwilling to devote their time and thoughts to their children.
●Don't send the child back to the hometown easily, let the elderly or relatives take care of it.Try to find a way to keep the child by your side, and it is best to see the child every day.There are practical difficulties, which should be overcome by the parents, not by the children.Even if you live with your children, you should also be careful not to only pretend to work and socialize in your heart, and just take out the leftovers of your little energy and time to allocate to your children.Don't be indifferent to your children's needs, and be serious about getting along with your children. Don't let your children become spiritual "left-behind children" in a delicate room.
●If it is necessary to be separated from the child frequently for objective reasons, we must find ways to minimize and reduce the emotional loss of the child, such as letting the child establish a relationship with grandparents or other temporary caregivers in advance, and often Call the child, communicate with the child more, and visit the child regularly, so that the child can feel that the parents care about him all the time, and minimize the child's sense of loss.
●Push out the responsibility of raising children. The damage of this kind of parenting method to children will not appear immediately, but the child will not make sacrifices and concessions in vain. Any bad growth process will leave traces in his life and become a future A lesion that affected his quality of life also brought a lot of trouble to the whole family.
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