Chapter 16 Chapter 15 "Dream" and Reality "Dream" and Reality

According to a survey, the rate of women who have ever considered divorcing their husbands reaches 40 percent in the fifth year of marriage; it rises to 70 percent in the tenth year; left, but some people did not really leave.Where does this gap come from?Presumably this is determined by the unique circumstances of each couple.However, judging from this set of survey data, for women, marriage may not always be rosy. When it comes to divorce, however, the situation is complicated.From divorce after the honeymoon to divorce in the prime of life, there are considerable differences in the reasons for divorce according to the number of years of marriage, age, whether there are children, etc.In addition, due to the impact of social trends in recent years, especially among the younger generation, the status quo of divorce is very different from before. Therefore, as parents, many people seem to be confused about the marriage and divorce of their children.

After three or four years of bitter love, they finally got married, but they divorced within a year of marriage. This kind of situation is not uncommon, and there is an increasing trend of this kind of situation in recent years.Whenever I hear examples in this regard, I feel painfully: falling in love and getting married are not the same thing; at the same time, I think: That being said, shouldn’t men and women get to know each other better during their relationship? Women make up the vast majority of those filing for divorce in these circumstances.The reason seems to be "I never thought he was such a person".I thought that we had been dating for a long time and had already understood the other person's personality, but after starting to live together, I discovered that he had a different side from usual.I'm afraid this can also be interpreted as: when they are in love, they only want to let each other see the good side, so they think each other's personality is suitable for them.

There are also men who "didn't expect her to be that kind of person".The reasons for their dissatisfaction are: "She was so diligent when she was in love, but she completely ignored housework after marriage", "I thought she was very gentle, but she put on airs as soon as she got married", and so on.If this continues, many problems will inevitably arise in the future.However, although men's illusions will be disillusioned, they still don't immediately consider divorce. So, why do women immediately consider divorce when they are married because he is not the kind of person they imagined?

Generally speaking, women place greater expectations and illusions on marriage than men, so their attitudes towards marriage are more extreme. This tendency is also manifested in the wedding ceremony.It is said that "plain wedding" has become popular in the entertainment industry in recent years, but most ordinary women still hope to have a more luxurious wedding. For ordinary women, getting married is the only major event in their life where they are the protagonist, so it is understandable for them to want to be more luxurious.However, among the men, there are some people who hold this view on the wedding ceremony: "I don't want to make the wedding ceremony the most gorgeous stage in my life." The men around him looked down.The reason is found: the real idea of ​​men is to wait until they have achieved something in society in the future before stepping on the grand stage of life.

Due to the natural extension of this kind of thinking, most men think that there is no need for newly married life to be so rich and extravagant.In the initial stage, you should start from scratch, slowly accumulate social experience, develop yourself step by step, and finally build your own house with your own strength.In this process, men can experience the unique sense of fulfillment of men.So there is no need to have everything ready at the outset.This is the life philosophy of men as social beings: only by doing things in their own strength can they feel satisfied.Perhaps this is due to the instinctive desire of men.So when looking to the future, men are very motivated, and they want the support of a good wife.They believe that even if their lives are a bit simple now, they will achieve greater happiness in the future through hard work.

However, most women do not want to have a lower standard of living after marriage than before marriage.In this way, from the first step of marriage, men and women have different illusions about married life. What is different from the past is that modern women are very extravagant and enjoy themselves.They travel abroad, buy designer goods: jewellery, clothes, handbags, etc., and they go to fine restaurants.Many of these women think that they will feel happy if they can share this happiness with the man they love after marriage.It can be seen that the view of marriage of modern women is very different from that of ten years ago.Women ten years ago thought: "As long as you can marry him, you can bear no matter how hard it is."

Therefore, modern women are quite disappointed with their husbands who accompany them to travel when they first fall in love, but when they get married, instead of going out with them, they say "save a little" husbands. ", "I didn't expect him to be so stingy", and so on. In addition, some young men today show excessive warmth when they are in love, and even tend to deliberately please women.Most women are also willing to accept, but also dictate to the man.However, once they start living together, the man not only no longer listens to the woman's dialect, but also picks and chooses her. He has more self-assertion and tougher requirements as a man.In the eyes of the woman, wouldn't it be "he changed as soon as he got married"?This is simply a betrayal.

All in all, women think that happiness will double after marriage, but most men think that since they are married, they should not be as impetuous as before, but should cheer up.Therefore, there will inevitably be differences between men and women after marriage. Generally speaking, husbands do not take pride in accepting assistance from the woman's natal family, even if they do not consider it shameful.On the other hand, women these days draw the blueprint of their newlywed life in this way: using exquisite tableware; displaying high-grade furniture; My mother's family wants this and that.If she can't help but say, "Dad bought this for me", to boast about furniture, tableware, handbags, etc., the husband will say, "Do what you can do yourself", and the wife It is undoubtedly a bucket of cold water.

Presumably, many of the readers are waiting for their daughters in their boudoirs, or just married daughters.Although you yourself have experienced austere newlywed years, are you still submissive to your daughters because you are worried about their suffering? In earlier times, marriage meant complete independence for men.It is generally believed that if you want to stand on your own, you must rely 100% on yourself.In recent years, however, men's thinking has also changed.Some men hope that at the beginning of the marriage, the wife's natal family will provide assistance so that the young couple can live a prosperous and comfortable newlywed life.They are the complete opposite of the aforementioned self-reliant men. They are very realistic and feel that it is easier and more pleasant to bow to their parents than to secretly resist.

However, from the perspective of parents, it is human nature to always want to say something to their children since they have paid for it, so parents often interfere in their children's lives.Whether it is a son or a daughter, if the parents buy an apartment for him (her), then he (she) has to obey the parents, so that eventually there will be a gap between the two generations.Once a wife is disappointed with her husband who only obeys her parents, it is not difficult to have thoughts such as "I didn't expect him to be a man with an Oedipus complex", thus alienating her husband.

In short, the willful and selfish idea of ​​wanting to be extravagant and not being interfered by parents may be difficult to succeed.All of these are due to the greed for affluent living conditions from the beginning of the newlyweds.In addition, the parents who encourage this mentality in their children are also involved, so this becomes a very complicated issue. All in all, marriage is not rose-colored and involves many hardships.Although the two parties originally loved each other, because marriage has changed the living environment where enough is enough, it is reasonable to feel tension and discomfort between the two.If you can give in to each other in life and make concessions to each other in certain aspects, then gradually the two people will be able to establish a good relationship.However, it will take at least three years to achieve a harmonious and stable relationship through such efforts. Therefore, both husband and wife must have the patience for three years. However, if you just think that "you can solve the problem by giving in and thinking about it", then there will be problems, because this approach will not solve the problem at all than through communication between two people.Young people in recent years are not good at arguing, and have a strong tendency to avoid conflicts.Because of this, many couples are reluctant to speak the truth and just talk about innocuous things.In addition, because they have few brothers and sisters and have never experienced childhood playing in the fields, they are afraid of being hurt and dare not quarrel with others.However, when men and women come together and start living together, some conflicts are inevitable due to the different environments and values ​​they grew up in.However, arguing with each other while understanding each other is an extremely correct way to get along. In a sense, it can be said that benign disputes and conflicts are an important means for both parties to achieve communication, so we must have the courage to actively accept them. Why did the term "divorce after the honeymoon" somehow acquire "civic rights"? Generally speaking, most of the couples who "divorce after the honeymoon" are matched by others, and the reason for their breakup is still "I didn't expect him (she) to be that kind of person".And the "that kind of person" mentioned here mostly refers to men with Oedipus complex. However, if you want to further explore the true meaning of "Oedipus complex", then simply mentioning the word Oedipus complex cannot solve the problem. Behind it lies a more complicated and extremely modern relationship between men and women. As mentioned earlier, traveling overseas has become a matter of course for women in recent years, and it doesn't just happen once or twice, they go out almost every year.Among the women, there are quite a few so-called "experienced" people, and they also know a lot about information. In contrast, there are very many men who have not traveled overseas, and many of them only travel abroad for the first time when they are newlyweds.Therefore, when they arrive at the destination, the men feel uneasy, and they have to rely on the guidance of the woman even to go to restaurants and hotels.Most women originally expected the man to take them to play, but let alone let him take them to play, even if he asked him to follow the menu, he would not be able to order satisfactory dishes.In this way, the newly married wife will think that such a husband is unreliable, which will cause the unhappiness of "I didn't expect him to be this kind of person".At this point, their illusions were completely shattered. However, despite their "unreliable" flaws exposed during the day, if they can maintain their mental calm and show the manliness that dare to guide women, then they will not have much problem.Of course, the so-called "manliness" refers to firm beliefs and measures, etc. At the same time, sexual attractiveness is also an essential and important factor. The so-called marriage, in a sense, can be said to be a kind of work that pulls a woman who once belonged to a certain pair of parents to one's own side. The most effective way to complete this kind of work is to use the bond of sexual relationship to tie the woman firmly to oneself. Chained together. Under the conditions of free love marriage, both men and women have experienced sexual relations when they are in love, while under the conditions of introduction marriage, both parties have generally never had sexual relations before marriage. It's the first and most important time to build a close relationship.On the other hand, if the man behaves badly during sex, then he can only be said to be miserable, and in the worst case, it may cause the woman to file for divorce.That is, people often think that "divorce after the honeymoon" is somehow related to sexual problems. The following is a story told by a woman who experienced the "divorce after the honeymoon": she was introduced to marry the man.From falling in love to getting married, the two parties only had the experience of kissing, and the man never made any request other than kissing.If he had asked, she would have agreed.However, since it was arranged by others, she didn't find it particularly suspicious that the man didn't make any demands.Not only that, she even had a good impression of his behavior.Since he is a graduate student who graduated from a top-ranked university in Japan, he has a good family environment and good character. At that time, she admired his well-behaved and dutiful conduct. On the wedding night, both of them were very tired, and both of them drank a lot of alcohol, and they had to leave Narita Airport for a wedding trip abroad early the next morning, so they slept separately.In this regard, she did not feel strange.The two departed from Narita Airport for Europe the next day, and it was already late at night when they arrived at their destination.He said: "I didn't sleep on the plane, and I didn't adapt to the jet lag. I was too tired. Let's rest today." Although she thought to herself: "Have you not done that yet?" She still didn't feel particularly suspicious. According to the man, he was very nervous before marriage and didn't want to do that.I thought that after marrying the person I love, I can do it by traveling happily together, but I still can't do it. Hearing what he said, she comforted him and said, "We finally got married, let's find a way to overcome it in the future." As soon as she finished speaking, he immediately picked up the words and said, "I am also in pain. I wanted to get married sooner." I told you, but I was worried that if I said it, I wouldn’t be able to get married, so I didn’t dare to say it.” As he spoke, he actually bent up and started crying, and then fell asleep with his back to her.This way of his made her unbearable, because it was an unparalleled blow.She thought that this kind of matter would be resolved after a while as long as both parties were patient, but he made her feel as if she had been suddenly abandoned by someone, which was so cruel that it was outrageous.On such occasions, if he confides his distress to her while embracing her, or holding her hand and falling asleep together, then "I'll act as if nothing happened, and I won't think about things like divorce at all... ..." The woman felt very sorry for this. Later she finally divorced him.Her reason was: "He only thinks about his own pain, and he is not considerate or gentle to me at all. I can't tolerate him being so selfish anyway." It can be seen that she decided to divorce not because of his impotence, but because she saw through his nature and felt that she could not live with him. Through this example, we can see a portrait of the so-called outstanding modern youth who lack sexual confidence: from primary school to work, they have not encountered any major setbacks, so their self-esteem is extremely strong, but their spirit is extremely fragile.Given their lack of laissez-faire education, their inexperience and their lack of ambition in the most primitive of human "sex," it is not unreasonable for them to view married life as a problem.This happens mostly among highly educated young people.Most of the young people who are regarded as superior when introduced by others, the so-called "three highs" (high stature, high education, high income - translator's note) will have sexual problems. The reasons for this are varied.The first is: because they have good academic performance since they were young, they have developed a cleanliness habit of suppressing sexual desire.Because if the sexual desire is not suppressed, it will affect the study, and suppressing the sexual desire will make the sexual function gradually lower and form a vicious circle. In the end, the penis cannot form a strong erection due to conditioned reflex. In addition, due to the "fewer births phenomenon" (the phenomenon of having fewer children), mothers can spend more effort to raise their children, and the so-called "good children" who grow up under such circumstances will subconsciously regard sexual desire as their own. Make "bad things".Because most mothers educate their children to study hard and stay away from sexual problems, so the children develop the habit of doing things according to the standards expected by their parents.There are many men who dare not interact with women because they are afraid of being hurt, and as a result they fall into the quagmire of inferiority complex that they cannot extricate themselves from. On the other hand, due to the highly developed media in recent years, people can simply solve their sexual desire problems through videos; they can also maintain simulated sexual relationships with their favorite women in the form of games by using computers.In this way, people can satisfy their sexual desires in virtual reality even if they do not actually have contact with women.Many of the less sociable young people rely on this electronic medium to satisfy their sexual desires.However, since this kind of man has no experience of actually interacting with women, it is difficult to become a real man. An outstanding young man once expressed his heart in this way: "Women in reality are different from women who can be seen by pressing a button. They always ask for this and that, which is both annoying and annoying." Tendency to love.However, when male college students get married, they still have to be introduced to marry them when they reach a certain age.Especially outstanding characters have strong self-esteem, and they hope to combine with equally outstanding young ladies, thus appearing as the times require, the fairy companions in the eyes of people who are talented and beautiful. However, with the coming of the wedding night, if this kind of men can't try to improve their sexual function in time, then they will fall into an uneasy situation.And this anxiety can turn into stress, making it even more difficult for them to maintain a normal sexual relationship.This happens as a matter of course.Once they fail, they will have impaired self-esteem and inferiority complex, and their emotions are extremely complicated, so they will lose tenderness and consideration for their wives, and then they will close themselves. It is true that the relationship between husband and wife is not entirely maintained by sexual relations, so when they get married, people pay more attention to each other's education, status, family background, etc.Some parents actually think that as long as they can marry someone with excellent conditions, their daughters will be happy.However, this kind of thinking is dangerous and even leads to misfortune. This question has been repeated so many times that it may seem tedious, but since sex is such a crucial issue for men, it needs to be repeated here.Whether this problem can be solved smoothly and satisfactorily will affect the formation of man's character and the choice of living style and attitude.A real man is prudent, cultivated, and trustworthy, and these qualities all boil down to a good sexual relationship.The importance of sex to men is completely different from that of women, and it can shape a man's character. The typical phenomenon of "fewer births" is that a couple only has one or two children. In this case, parents will try their best to train them carefully.However, it is cruel and ironic that the children raised in this way are prone to Oedipus complex and sexual inferiority complex, and they cannot maintain equal sexual relations with women. Generally speaking, the time when married women have the idea of ​​divorce can be divided into three time periods.The first stage is within one year after marriage; the second period is about seven years; the last stage is when the husband is approaching retirement. Among them, if the second stage is defined as seven to eight years, then the age of the wife at this time is generally about 35 years old, and their first child has already entered kindergarten or elementary school. It can also be said that their lives have stabilized during this period.The couple has begun to discuss the purchase of an apartment, and the time for selfless parenting has passed. The children are basically gone, and the wife has more or less free time.At this point, the wives can breathe a sigh of relief.However, when they looked back on the relationship between themselves and their husbands, they found that the romantic atmosphere of the newlyweds had long since disappeared between the two. Rather than saying that the relationship between the two was between a man and a woman, it was more like living in the same room. relation.Therefore, women are most likely to feel empty at this time. Moreover, what seems to be in direct proportion to this situation is that at this time the shortcomings of the other party are more prominent. Both husband and wife feel very familiar with each other and feel at ease because they have lived together for seven or eight years. Be considerate of each other.In addition, sex life has become a routine, losing the freshness and interest of first love, and some couples don't even have sex anymore. This period can also be said to be a period of rethinking.People have doubts about the essence of the relationship between husband and wife, such as "how to live like this?" If such questions continue to arise between the couple and there are no children, the woman will recall all kinds of dissatisfaction with her husband and the emotional differences between the two, and begin to think that "the husband is not worthy of her love" Or "he is not a person who can be trusted for life", so sometimes he will go to divorce. If marriage for love is regarded as an orthodox marriage, then divorce for death of love is justifiable.If there are no children between the couple, and the focus of the conflict is only between the two, then it is not unreasonable to consider divorce. It is true that women in their thirties all plan to remarry, so since they want to break up, they all want to do it as soon as possible, so women in this age group are prone to divorce.Men feel the same way, and if they don't have children to worry about, they will also file for divorce.Under normal circumstances, they will not procrastinate when they break up with each other. Especially women with a certain status and income, because they have financial strength, so once they have doubts about their marriage, they will consider divorce.They value their careers and prioritize opportunities for advancement in the company, and because of this, they sometimes fall into unexpected traps. These seem to be related to men's changing attitudes before and after marriage.For example, when they get married, they only want women to help them with housework, but after three to four years, most husbands will make such and such requests, such as "it's time to have a baby", "you have to quit your job" Lah, wait.This widens the gap between husband and wife. As a result, the wife began to have doubts about the relationship between husband and wife, which can be said to be a yellow signal leading to divorce. However, if the parties already have children, the situation is quite different.Although the woman has shaken the relationship between husband and wife and no longer loves her husband deeply, she may not be able to simply divorce.Still, most wives think about divorce more than once.Below, the author intends to discuss this a little bit. Perhaps the biggest reason why wives are dissatisfied with marriage is the difference in views on marriage between men and women. Most men think that as long as they are married, everything will have a destination, and the wife must also rule by himself.They also believe that the so-called love relationship is an extremely unstable relationship, which is in danger of breaking down at any time. In order to achieve stability, the best way is to get married.Therefore, they regard marriage as the end of love, and think that once they get married, they can sit back and relax. For men, catching a love partner is the key to victory. Although it takes energy for this, once they can get married, they will have a relaxed mentality such as "because she is married, she can't run away". In contrast, women feel strongly that marriage is not the "end", but should be the "starting point" where the relationship between the two officially begins.The subtle differences in cognition between men and women will have various impacts on their future married life. For men, "marriage is the greatest sincerity and the expression of love", this may be a man's true words, and the more financially powerful he is, the stronger this idea will be.They often think: "Isn't it enough to be married to you? What else do you want?" That is, they think that they have expressed the greatest sincerity of marriage to the other party, and the woman should be satisfied.If the woman is a full-time housewife, the man's idea may be stronger.Because they have this kind of consciousness: "I am the one who earns money outside, and I am the one who supports the family." In other words, for a man, getting married means that he has to take care of his wife and children for life.Therefore, as long as you make up your mind to get married, it shows your sincerity to make contributions throughout your life. In other words, it is precisely because they have the idea that "everything is done now that they are married", so that the woman has a psychological gap such as "the fish that are caught do not need to be baited".Admittedly, men rarely think about the quality of their relationship after marriage. On the contrary, the woman often introspects the connotation of marriage and reflects on whether the relationship with her husband is ideal.It can be seen that men are only satisfied with the integrity of the form, while women pursue the richness and fulfillment of the connotation, so there is bound to be a rift between them. The relationship between husband and wife is gone, and when the family is on the verge of breakdown, the wives will decide to divorce. Most of them think: "Raising children in such a bad environment is not conducive to the growth of children." In contrast, however, most husbands hold the opposite view.They think: "It is unreasonable to rely on a single parent to raise children. This is to avoid the responsibility of being a parent." It can be seen that men attach more importance to the growth of their children than the relationship between husband and wife.Therefore, they are more obsessed with the completeness of form. From the perspective of the wives who pay attention to the relationship between husband and wife, since the relationship has broken down, trying to maintain integrity will only bring pain to both parties; however, the husbands who value the form of marriage believe that even if the relationship between husband and wife is indifferent, the integrity of the family can be maintained. If the husband does not want to live face to face with his wife, they can work overtime or eat and drink with colleagues to pass the time, and only go home late at night. Although it is somewhat unpleasant to do so, having a family is better than divorce.Especially men who are attached to and love their children will do everything possible to avoid divorce and avoid separation from their children. When getting married, a man is willing to marry a woman with poor living ability as his wife.Because once such women have children, they will devote themselves to the housework of raising children, and there is little possibility of accidents. In addition, some men think that the so-called marriage is to monopolize a certain woman and make it into their own hands.Especially when the woman is a radiant woman who fascinates men, marriage can make her her own monopoly and restrain her. We have already mentioned before: after marriage, wives who still hope to get promoted in the workplace tend to have discord with their husbands. Monopolize her opportunity. As long as a wife enters the society, she will have a lot of opportunities to get in touch with men of all colors. As a result, their vision will not be limited to the family, but will look to the outside world.This tendency is by no means a good thing for a man who wants to monopolize his wife; it can be said to take half the meaning of marriage. To be clear, the so-called marriage means to a man that he agrees or decides to be bound by a certain woman. Males who are flirtatious by nature, attractive or unattractive, seek out women of all kinds, empathize with them, and sometimes hope to form deeper relationships with them.This kind of male shows that he has devoted himself to a fixed female, and the way to renounce licentious behavior is to marry.This "declaration" is thus a major vote in the denial of the male's original desire for dissoluteness. Of course, women also need to make up their minds before they marry, but since they don't have the licentious instincts of men, the decision to marry is not particularly oppressive to them. As the price of his own major decisions, the man demands that his wife rule over him and sacrifice herself for him within her power.If the wife responds positively, the man will do his best to work hard to support her and make her happy.This is men's instinctive desire to dominate and possess, and then they hope that they can control their wives from above. It can be seen from this that it is impossible to generalize and assert that this desire to rule is not good. It is precisely because of this desire to "work hard for the family" that men will have the driving force for self-struggle. When in love, men think that they should pay special attention to their image, so as not to make women hate themselves.Although they often say sweet words such as "you can still remain free after marriage" and "I will do my best to develop your talents", deep down they still hope that their wives will be under their own rule and stay at home . Therefore, married women often complain: "It shouldn't be like this." At this time, if the husband can say frankly: "Because I love you so much, I don't want you to show up in public." Then the wife may understand.However, in real life, men who can be so honest are rare. In short, there is a world of difference between dreams and reality.Although this difference has been understood in advance, reality is still very different from dream. How to narrow this gap?I am afraid that there is no other way but to deepen the love between each other and refine the wisdom of the individual.However, the wisdom we are talking about does not refer to pure brain intelligence, but refers to "don't forget gentleness and patience", and at the same time, we should not be indifferent to the self-awareness of "who we are".