Chapter 17 Chapter 16 Divorce Signals Divorce Signals

Breakups between couples are more complicated than breakups between ordinary lovers. Here is a true story told by a woman who has been married for thirteen years: She wanted to divorce her husband, so she went to a lawyer, but the lawyer said, "It is capricious to want a divorce just because you don't like your husband." .” So she was greatly shocked. She had physically disliked her husband for several years and found it a pain to maintain a sexual life with him.However, after hearing what the lawyer said, she didn't want to talk further.Of course the lawyer was also a man.She said: "If that lawyer was a woman, she would definitely not say that kind of thing, and maybe she would put herself in my shoes and sympathize with and understand me." She regretted that she went to a male lawyer for consultation.

After listening to the above stories, I think that there are indeed differences between men and women in their views on divorce.Perhaps it can be said that this is a rather symbolic anecdote.The reasons why women ask for a divorce, apart from reasons that are acceptable and easy to understand, such as "the husband is having an affair", "the husband is violent", "the husband does not give the family money", most of the women are because "the husband cannot see the relationship with the husband". Considering divorce for more abstract reasons such as "meaning of living together" or "physiologically disgusted with her husband".From a man's standpoint, however, the latter may be a puzzling reason.

In other words, men will not consider divorce on the grounds of "not seeing the meaning of living with their wives" or "physically loathing their wives".At this point, there is a big difference between men and women. So why is there such a big difference between men and women?One reason seems to lie in the biological gap that exists between men and women.The woman just mentioned has suffered emotionally from accepting her husband sexually after her love for her husband had cooled and she had begun to loathe him.Therefore, even if her husband asks, she is reluctant to have a relationship with him easily.Moreover, she is not only suffering mentally, but also suffering physically.Under her husband's repeated request, she would accept it once in a while for the sake of womanhood, but she felt insulted during the whole sexual act, and she always wanted it to end quickly.

Of course, there are background reasons why a wife feels disgusted with her husband and even wants to divorce.For example, when she had conflicts with her mother-in-law, the husband always stood on the mother's side and not on himself.In addition, with the growth of age, the husband and wife have different views on the value of life, and the emotional differences are becoming more and more obvious; in addition, many quarrels in life, large and small, accumulate over time, making the wife gradually lose her sense of intimacy with her husband.Eventually the wife feels unable to live with her husband, and once she has this feeling it becomes difficult for her to accept him physically.

Yet any account of this pain to the woman is inexplicable to men.Because men are more tolerant of sexual objects than women, they don't hesitate to have sex with women they don't like. Therefore, even if they don't like their wives, they don't cut off sexual relations with them immediately.This shows that husbands and wives have different values.And even if they don't want to have sex with their wives, they don't want to break up right away. However, once a woman hates the other person, she will hate everything about him, even the way he holds chopsticks can't stand it.In contrast, even if love evaporates, men will not have such a strong sense of hatred.Of course, a man will feel angry or bored with the behavior of the other party to some extent, but he will not be resistant to living together and maintaining a sexual relationship because of this.

This is evidence of the ambiguity or nihility of men's sexual concepts.However, looking at it the other way around, it can also be said that it is precisely because of this that men appear to be accommodating. Next, let us do some quantitative research on this aspect.Assuming that we often want to see each other and want to hug after meeting, that is, the so-called love status is set to a positive value, then in the state of emotional cooling, the man’s love value may return to zero, but it will not drop below zero negative value.However, when women are in the cold stage of love, their love value will suddenly become negative.In the end, they will have a "physiological disgust" with the man, and even plan to divorce.

This gap is incomprehensible to men.Even if the woman said directly to the man: "Physiologically I can't stand being with you anymore", the man would not understand her real intention.At this time, most men will be at a loss. However, regarding the perceptual differences between men and women in terms of divorce, it is difficult to explain clearly only based on the above-mentioned theory of biological differences between men and women.The original consciousness of men and women about marriage is different, and it will eventually increase the difference in the views of both parties on the issue of divorce.

The most striking phenomenon is that as long as nothing serious happens, a man will not take the initiative to propose a divorce. This can be proved by the behavior of the woman: According to statistics, wives account for 100% of the divorce applications. Eighty. So, why are men reluctant to divorce? The biggest reason is that in today's society, marriage is not a personal relationship between men and women, but a social contractual relationship between family and family. This idea is extremely deep-rooted.For this reason, when considering marriage, instead of paying attention to love, more people are more concerned about whether they are well-matched, whether the other party can live in harmony with their parents, whether the other party will be despised and other external things.There are also some relatives and friends who deliberately ask the man to choose a wife according to the above conditions.The more outstanding people are, the more obvious this tendency is.If they are giants or bureaucrats in the business and political circles, then most of them choose their wives according to their family background, and put love in the second or third place.Especially in the officialdom, it has become common sense that you must never refuse your boss to introduce someone for you. If anyone dares to refuse, then he will not have a bright future.

For men, a wife worthy of showing off is of course a beautiful woman, but good birth is also an important factor.If someone says "Ms. So-and-so's father is the president of such-and-such company", it is by no means a bad thing for the man who is said about it.In fact, in a competitive society, the wife's background will affect the man's future.The desire to make a fortune is strong, and most ambitious men will consider this before deciding who to marry.Therefore, this phenomenon often occurs: a man who already has a girlfriend, when his boss asks him if he can marry his daughter, he will readily agree.It can be seen that, for men, the so-called marriage should pay more attention to social decency and decency as well as formal integrity.Therefore, although there is not much love after marriage, to some extent, the man still does not want to destroy the family.Presumably this is a matter of course.

In short, there are many men who do not consider love as an absolute factor when they get married.It can even be said that even if there is no relationship, as long as the woman comes from a famous family and it doesn't feel too bad to live with her, you can marry her.In other words, they harbor the optimistic notion that even if there is no passionate romance, that emotion can be cultivated as long as they live together as a couple.There are also some men who think that the love between husband and wife is best to be indifferent; the passion between husband and wife will cause trouble and boredom instead.When men judge women, they often divide women into several categories such as "wife type" and "lover type", which seems to be the evidence for the above-mentioned view.In today's society, there are many men who hold this three-dimensional and pluralistic idea: that is, marry a family-type, good-born, and simple-minded woman as a wife; and then find a sexy woman as a lover.

Of course, after all, there are men who value love before getting married, but they will give in or be discouraged in the face of social pressure.Giants pitcher Kawara is a good example.He appeared to be married to a woman who worked at Sorprand, but the baseball club objected to the marriage, and the media swarmed the news with gossip to the point of deceit.It is extremely absurd for the club to intervene in a purely personal matter of marriage, but this just shows that marriage is very social for men.Later, pitcher Kawahara succumbed to social pressure.For a man like him, getting married must strike a sense of balance in society. Conversely, no matter what happens, a political bureaucrat or a wealthy tycoon who is married to a well-born lady will not choose to divorce.Needless to say, they have gained many tangible and intangible benefits through marriage.Because divorce will make them lose a lot, they will not give up their original marriage even if they have a new love. If we rephrase the above situation in another way, then it can be said that men do not place much hope in love when they get married.Let's have a complete family, be able to raise children smoothly, and live a peaceful life is enough to be satisfying.They don't expect any romantic feelings. Of course, it would be better if there is such content, but without them, it will not affect the overall situation.Therefore, men will never understand the indifference of women who intend to divorce under the pretext of "I don't see the meaning of living with you". Men have a negative attitude towards divorce.Because men value the integrity of the "family" more than the quality of the relationship between husband and wife.Besides that, they have one of the biggest reasons that divorce will do them a lot of harm. The disadvantages of divorce can be divided into four types: the first is that divorce will lose social credibility.Although the divorce rate is increasing year by year, it has become more commonplace than ever before.But in today's male-centered society, divorce is still seen as a huge stigma on men; in so-called first-class companies and bureaucracies, it can clearly affect personal prosperity.Because there are some weird rumors widely circulated in modern society: "A man who can't even manage a family can't manage a company", "A man who can't even control a woman can't do a good job", etc. .In short, in Japanese society, although family and society are completely different things, society still imposes this kind of pressure on men. Moreover, in recent years, society has expressed sympathy for divorced women and praised the courage of women who resolutely decided to divorce.However, men are always perceived as ruthless and lacking in ambition.Men not only lose their social credibility, but are also despised and embarrassed. It may be said that this is a tendency to discriminate against men. Admittedly, the reason why this kind of thinking still has a place is because behind it remains the scum of patriarchy.Precisely because of the premise that men should dominate women and occupy a dominant position, such strange arguments as "even a woman cannot be controlled" appear plausible.So far, it seems that the theory of male superiority that has been going on since ancient times has become a shackle that chokes men themselves. The second disadvantage is suffering from daily chores.After marriage, all housework is done by the wife.However, once the wife leaves, the man's life will be in trouble.In the past, there were very few words between the two, but at least they were able to put on clean clothes and go to work every morning.What do you do without your wife doing the laundry?Who will do the hygiene?If she left the child behind, the man would be dead... and so on.It is indeed shameless to think this way, but from a very realistic point of view, men are really unwilling to divorce. The third is the economic burden.The current law absolutely protects wives.If divorced, the husband must bear a certain financial burden.Although ordinary salaried workers do not have to pay too much alimony to their wives, they do have to pay a lot of child support.If they have a house, it is awarded to the woman in most cases.So the life of a man after divorce is quite difficult.In short, in terms of alimony, it is not just a matter of "female superiority to male inferiority". In fact, men bear an extremely heavy burden.Even if the divorce is due to the wife’s unruly behavior, the husband still has to pay alimony; on the contrary, if the divorce is due to the husband’s deviant behavior, the wife pays very little alimony to the husband, and the husband has to bear a huge burden of expenditure. The fourth is to worry about the child being taken away by the wife during divorce.Even through divorce proceedings, child custody is awarded to the wife in most cases.Because the more a man likes and attaches himself to his children, the less he wants to be separated from them, so husbands try to avoid divorce.In the United States, a country with a very high divorce rate, even if the children are awarded to the wife after divorce, once the weekend or summer vacation comes, the children can generally stay with their father.However, in Japan, as a condition of divorce, it is clearly stated in the judgment that the father has the "right to visit the child", but it is extremely common for the mother not to let the father see the child.Therefore, for fathers, divorce means long-term separation from their children.This feeling is very strong to the man, it is as heart-wrenching as hitting a mandarin duck with a stick. Not long ago, the "Asahi Shimbun" disclosed the experience of a freelance man with the large headline "Divorce-Taking Daughter from Father": the man's wife was busy getting ahead in the company, and often came home late at night , the child was brought up by him who worked at home.The husband asks his wife to spend more time at home for the sake of the child, and the couple often quarrels for this reason.Later, the wife filed for divorce on the grounds that she "does not want to live with a man who imposes ancient responsibilities on women."The husband also agreed to the divorce.However, regarding the custody of the child, the two parties could not reach an agreement, so the two parties began to separate without divorce.During the two years since his wife filed the divorce lawsuit until the court made a formal judgment, as a father, he spent every afternoon doing homework, playing games, and cooking with his daughter at home. In order to take care of the child, the court should award the child to the child who has lived with the daughter for a long time for self-custody”, and awarded the custody of the daughter to the mother.The article ended with the father's lament: Even if the divorce is over, the daughter's custody rights should be shared equally with the wife, but why should the daughter be judged to her? The more unbearable pain for the father was not the separation from his daughter, but the fact that the daughter would have to grow up under her mother's influence.Will her daughter join the side of a wife who hates her, will she paint herself as a bad person in front of her daughter?Will it instill some bad thoughts in the children?In the end, he regretted the thought that the child might only trust her mother. That's it, men have to bear twice or three times the burden of women, and even bear the pressure of huge unfavorable factors. It's no wonder that men seldom propose divorce.And not only do they not propose a divorce, even when his wife proposes a divorce, he will not agree easily. Earlier we talked about the fact that men will not easily embark on the road to divorce, but it is not a man who does not take the initiative to propose divorce. For example, the marriage was originally based on the hope of the woman's natal family, but the other family has gone bankrupt or has misfortune. In this case, the man may file for divorce.In addition, the man can also consider divorce because of his wife's infidelity.But most men will pretend to be deaf and dumb even if their wives are a little frivolous, and take it calmly. However, the most common situation for men to initiate divorce is that they don't get along well with their wives and they have a new love outside. Even if there is no goal of remarriage, most women will start thinking about divorce from the day they don't love their husbands.However, no matter whether a man can live in harmony with his wife or not, as long as he has not determined another marriage partner, he will usually not consider divorce in advance, so this is the biggest difference between men and women.However, if he has a child with his wife, even if he has a woman outside, he will not easily decide to divorce. This just corresponds to an ancient saying: "Children are the bond that maintains the relationship between husband and wife." Thus, men have a higher rate of voluntary divorce before the birth of their children and after their children grow up.However, as mentioned earlier, divorce comes with all the burdens, so filing for divorce takes a lot of determination. At this point, female readers may have this question: Since men decide to divorce after going through a lot of hardships, then they will not change their minds once they file for divorce, right?However, the answer is beyond your expectations: it is not the case.The reason for saying this is that men like to exist on their own and feel responsible for the existence of their wives who are weaker than themselves.It can be seen that men who always hope that they are in a superior position also have a weak side-hope to see each other weak.Therefore, as long as you completely show weakness and arouse his sense of superiority, even if he has made up his mind, he will be shaken.For example, if the wife cries: "If you abandon me, I can't live", etc., the man will develop compassion. In addition, if the child cries and says "Daddy, don't leave me", most Men lose their resolve. Among the wives who are well aware of the effects, some even instigate their children to say "don't divorce" or "don't abandon mother and me", which can be said to hit the man's heart. For wives who have no children but have a stable career and financial income, husbands will not feel too much burden, so they will take the initiative to file for divorce.That is to say, when a man realizes that a woman can survive without him, he will readily propose a breakup. Here, let's take a look at how men feel and how they react when their wives initiate divorce. Even if the vast majority of husbands do not get along well with their wives, when their wives initiate a divorce, they will feel a thunderbolt from the blue sky and be hit hard.Because men will never consider divorce just because of indifference in love, so they never expect that their wives will file for divorce because of a slight disturbance in the relationship between husband and wife. So they first feel panic and fear, and then think hard about how to make their wives change their minds.At this time, if you ask your wife: "Why?" Then the wife will say: "I don't see the meaning of living with you" or "I don't feel good with you" and so on. Bewildered, but helpless. Why are men so incomprehensible to women asking for divorce?This is because men do not have the sensibility to want to divorce on the grounds mentioned above. If the wives give specific reasons such as "improper behavior" or "the salary is not paid to the family", the man will raise his hand and admit defeat, saying "no more prostitution", "I will give you all the salary in the future", etc. Wait, they always have a way to answer.But if the woman gives some abstract reasons, the man will be puzzled and retort, "Didn't I give you all my salary?", "I haven't been unfaithful to you", "For this family I am here. Work hard" and so on.If the wife says "I don't mean that but my love for you has cooled down", then the husband will say something digressive such as "I have done everything a man should do", so that the wife will be more comfortable. Feeling "he doesn't know anything, it's disgusting!" and thus despairing of her husband more and more. Men tend to think that the real male society is a fiercely competitive society. If you get involved but fail to win the competition, you will lose the value of being a man.However, from the standpoint of the wife, it doesn't matter if she is not so prominent.Most of them just hope that their husbands can spend more time with their families and share the happiness of their family.However, the fact that many husbands have no understanding of what their wives want from a family can only deepen the divide between husband and wife. In this way, due to the long-term accumulation of differences in sensibility and ways of thinking, the wife will consider divorce.However, reasons such as "different sensibility" and "different outlook on life" are not reasons at all in the eyes of men.This is precisely the "sensibility difference" between men and women.If you want to avoid such things as divorce, men usually need to communicate more with their wives, or at least try to understand their sensibility. In short, once men know that their wives have decided to leave, they will immediately fall into chaos: they have to make up reasons to deal with colleagues in the company, they have to think about how to deal with their children, and they have to think about ways to deal with their parents. decent.This confusing situation can be summed up by a common saying "there is darkness in front of my eyes", which could not be more appropriate.Then they will fall into a whirlpool of deep emptiness: What is the family they have worked so hard to build over the years? Being divorced by his wife is equivalent to losing his masculinity for a man, and the older he is, the greater the blow he will bear.However, no matter how much the pain and blow are, as a man, he neither cries nor complains to relatives and friends.In contrast, women can discuss the details with their friends from the day they start thinking about divorce; while men have to hide the process of divorce from their relatives and friends, so for men, divorce needs to bear huge social pressure.Although they pretend to be indifferent on the surface, deep down they have to fight against the pain and emptiness.The result is that some suffer from depression or lose enthusiasm for work.According to statistics, the life expectancy of men who are "abandoned" by their wives is shorter than the average life expectancy, which is due to the fact that they have lost the strength to survive. In this way, a man seems a weak and poor animal compared with a woman who starts a new life vigorously with divorce. Earlier we mainly discussed the reasons for divorce from the standpoint of men, but there is no need for us to take a negative attitude towards divorce. In their twenties, people don't really understand themselves, and they don't know the dangers in the world.The opposite sex chosen during this period may not necessarily be suitable for you, and you may not necessarily find your life partner.In addition, people grow up with the accumulation of age and experience, and their sensibility and way of thinking will constantly change. Therefore, the gap between husband and wife is inevitable in a sense.However, in Japan today, people still hold prejudices against divorce. Especially for men, divorce brings many disadvantages. Because of this, there are more and more couples who try their best to restrain themselves and barely get by. For this reason, the author believes that the most ideal solution is to seek social tolerance for divorce, and we should look forward.At least one should recognize each other's different ways of being and thinking.Adopting a well-intentioned but non-intrusive attitude of tolerance is also a condition that a progressive society should possess.In this regard, it can be said that Japan is still quite behind. All in all, divorce is not a failure in life, but a step toward a better life.If the future society can better understand divorce and not regard it as bad, then both men and women will be able to freely expand their paths in life and live more fulfilling lives.