Chapter 8 Chapter Seven About Marriage About Marriage

Marriage means the end of youth. At least, in the hearts of men, more or less have this idea. Deep down, they think that the only time they can have fun is when they're single, and that it's impossible once they're married.From newlyweds, youth—that glorious period will be a thing of the past, and everything will be bound by the frame of the family, and everything will not be as casual as before. When a friend is about to get married, men can't help feeling a little bit sad and sympathetic, "Oh man, it looks like the good times are coming to an end." From the above examples alone, it may be concluded that men only care about their own happiness.In fact, on the other hand, the idea that men feel that they can no longer play freely after marriage is a reflection of men's emphasis on family psychology.

In fact, men do cherish their single years very much and hope to have fun while they are young.In this regard, there is not much difference between men and women. Recently, there seems to be an increase in men who marry immediately as soon as they fall in love, but this instinct of men has not changed much. The period when a man can stay away from marriage and maintain complete freedom is roughly the few years between when he stepped out of school and when he was thirty. During this period, many men think that love and marriage are two things that have no specific connection, so they don't regard marriage as the last stage of love.

Of course, during this period, there are not many people who fall in love and finally enter the stage of marriage.It would be great if every couple could develop smoothly and smoothly, but it is not easy to do so. In this chapter, we will discuss the real thoughts of men on the eve of marriage about love. For a man in his early twenties, unaware of marriage, the best partner is a woman with whom he can spend time happily. The so-called "spending time happily together" includes talking easily, making friends happily, sharing the same interests and hobbies, and a harmonious sex life.Since men have no intention of getting married, cheerful and fresh women are the most attractive to them, not the family.

On such occasions, what makes men stay away is the woman who always proposes to get married and tries her best to bring the other party into the family.When men still want to remain single and have fun, they have already begun to plan and build a love nest early, hoping to get married as soon as possible.Men are very alert to this tendency of women. Once they feel that she has seriously considered marriage, the man's first reaction is "bad", and then he begins to make preparations for withdrawal. Therefore, the woman will euphemistically propose marriage to the man through words such as "what shall we do in the future", "so and so is married", and "my family asked me to go on a blind date".

If a man is noncommittal about this, the women will immediately become restless and ask the man "How are you responsible to me?" or "Are you just acting on the spot!" Men find it unacceptable that as long as there is a physical relationship, they must be married.If you agree with this statement, you agree with the logic of "you can't fall in love if you don't plan to get married".If it was still in the feudal era where the bride must be a virgin and the values ​​were extremely conservative, this statement might be recognized by people.But today, when men and women are advocated for equality and free love, it seems too out of step with the times to still stick to the concept of "since the body promises, men should take responsibility".

Some women would say, "Since we love each other, wouldn't it be logical to want to start a family?" At first glance, it also makes sense.But love is really supreme. As long as you love someone, must you occupy his whole life?If the answer is yes, I am afraid that men will regard love as a dangerous way and stay away from it. There is also a line commonly used by women, "You made me fall in love with you so much, but you..." This sentence is also worthy of scrutiny.Let the other party fall in love with him fanatically, men should indeed bear part of the responsibility, but not all.Whether you like someone or not is originally determined by your own consciousness and cannot be simply attributed to the other party's responsibility, so this statement is not appropriate.

Presumably, there are not a few people who have watched "Travel Love", a film with a high reputation in film history.In the film, Audrey Hepburn plays the female secretary of an American company.The heroine came to Venice, Italy during the summer vacation.By chance, she met a middle-aged man who ran an antique shop, and they both fell in love.But the good times don't last long, and the heroine has to go home after the holiday.At the end of the film, the middle-aged man is holding a white gardenia and running behind the train on the platform, while the female secretary looks back tearfully through the window in the car. The close-up shots of the two are interspersed and interspersed, deducing a moving farewell The scene is tear-jerking.

To write an essay about the film, I made a feature visit to Italy.I posed this question to a local boatman: "Suppose you are the hero in a movie, if the heroine can't forget you and comes back to you and asks to live with you, what will you do?" The boatman shrugged and replied: "If that's the case, anyway, I didn't mention anything like getting married, so I don't need to take any responsibility. The two have spent a wonderful summer together, isn't that enough? If you don't meet me, wait What she can only do is a boring and lonely vacation; and it is because of me that we have such beautiful and happy memories with each other, I think she should also understand this."

Many men may feel the same about what this boatman said.However, although Japanese men also resonate with this, in a certain corner of their hearts, there is always a sense of guilt! This Japanese feeling is still very strong in organizations like companies to this day.In the relationship between colleagues, if the man is hesitant about getting married, friends and other colleagues will urge, "What are you going to make her do?" In addition, some women use this statement as a reason to complain to their superiors, "I am in a relationship with so-and-so, but..." This phenomenon is often seen because "Since the two have had a relationship, the man will must take responsibility" is still very deeply rooted in Japan.

In contrast, there are very few women who regard marriage and love as two different things.Women tend to understand marriage as the inevitable result of love development.To put it too far, women have been secretly looking forward to marrying this man since the day they had a relationship with the other party. However, men's love seems to be less persistent.For them, there is no necessary connection between being in love and getting married. Being in love is being in love, not anything else.This difference in thinking may be an important factor causing constant friction between men and women.

What needs to be declared is that the love we are talking about here refers to the serious love between a man and a woman, not the kind of love games that are performed in big cities.If this point is not made clear in advance, it will easily lead to misunderstanding later. For love, men hope to be faithful to their feelings and to the person they love. At the same time, as the boatman said just now, they don't want to get too deep. The ideal is to keep it as a good memory.In short, falling in love and getting married are two different things, so it is not surprising to choose other women when getting married. So when a woman asks to get married, men often refute like this: "I said I like you, but I never said I want to marry you!" But women don't accept this.When necessary, they will go to their bosses for help, or cry to their friends, and use various means to make their wishes come true. Especially when the woman is pregnant, the man is even more difficult to fly, and will eventually be forced by the woman to submit obediently. From this point of view, although women are not very active in love on the surface, in fact, compared with men, women tend to use various methods more actively in communication. "Someone set up a blind date for me, should I go and see it", "If I go on a blind date, will you be jealous?", etc., are all a way for women to attack each other.If the man replied: "Then you go and have a look." The woman would be furious, "Well, you are heartless", "So you don't care about me at all."So often there will be a quarrel. To avoid such difficult questions, men often seek advice from friends.The other party will advise, "You'd better be more cautious with that woman", or "If you don't have the idea of ​​marrying her, you'd better stop in moderation". Therefore, in order to avoid such troubles, men who have no intention of getting married try to associate with young women in their twenties.Because young women are also eager to enjoy the freedom of being single, they are naturally not in a hurry to get married. All in all, the more serious a woman is, the easier it is to connect love and marriage, especially when she commits herself to the other party.As a result, both men and women will naturally have disputes. Further considering the reasons why men do not equate love with marriage, we will find that this is mainly due to the differences in the nature of sex between men and women and the differences in their understanding of love. In short, in the eyes of men, love is similar to sports and gambling.This sounds a bit cruel, but in fact love does not have an absolute advantage.Men's desire to travel, ski, and drink in addition to dating their girlfriends was equally strong. On the other hand, once a woman falls in love, love becomes her everything.Love is her whole life.Compared with entertainment such as sports, love has a supreme status, and other things cannot be compared with it at all. Therefore, women who hold this idea will hope that the other party will invest as much as themselves after falling in love, which often leads to conflicts. The number of men who like to play mahjong has been greatly reduced in recent years.There was a time when almost every man was very keen on mahjong, for which they often had disputes with their lovers.Once the men played mahjong, they would stay out all night.So the lover must have asked angrily, "Me and mahjong, which one is more important?" Although the man felt a little guilty, he was unwilling to give up mahjong because of it.For men, sports, gambling and lovers are equally important.However, if you say it straight, it will inevitably irritate the woman even more, and you have no choice but to say "Of course it's you" to prevaricate. If the girlfriend still insists, "If this is the case, never play mahjong again from now on", then the man will be disappointed with his girlfriend's unreasonable attitude.After a few times, the men will naturally get tired of restraining their girlfriend everywhere, and are ready to wait for an opportunity to escape from her bondage. No matter how much he loves his girlfriend, a man always has his own dream, such as sailing a sailboat for a month, or playing golf with his friends of the same sex for a few days.They long to be immersed in their own world without being disturbed by anyone. After a period of time without seeing his girlfriend, a man will be eager to see his girlfriend again.In this sense, saying that man is a very arbitrary creature really hits the nail on the head.The arbitrariness of men is that when considering things, it is easy to only start from their own point of view. After a woman lives with her boyfriend for a period of time, she will have a deeper understanding of this. After a man of this temperament gets married, his performance will generally not change.He didn't mean to neglect his family or forget it existed, it's just that there were other things as important to him as family waiting to be done.To sum up their true thoughts in one sentence, it is "I will come back sooner or later, so don't be long-winded now." It is conceivable that not all women can understand and accept this social rule that belongs to men.Just as men only think about things from their own point of view, women always think about things from a woman's point of view. For example, some women say that they appreciate romantic and adventurous men, but once their lover or husband proposes to sail a sailing boat for three months, I am afraid that her face will immediately be clouded.So men have to answer questions from women like "Which is important, the sailboat or me?"That being the case, it is best for women not to say that they appreciate men with romantic sentiments. There are also women who will beg, "Then take me with you." To this, the vast majority of men will categorically refuse: "No!" This is not because they hate going out with their girlfriends, but because no matter whether it is work, gambling or sailing, all activities that men are passionate about are carried out in a society dominated by men.If you bring your girlfriend or wife, it may not only disrupt the order of the male world, but also affect the friendship between him and friends of the same sex. Men cherish this kind of friendship very much, and it occupies a far higher place in their hearts than the same thing holds in women's hearts. The reason is simple, if a man loses his friendship, it means that he will leave the male society and eventually become a lone wolf.As a man, this is the end that no one wants to encounter. Men have this value as early as adolescence, so securing their place in male society is as important to them as cherishing their wife or girlfriend and cannot be ignored. In Japanese male society, this tendency is very obvious.If you can't understand this feeling about men, you can't understand things between men and women. When a man in his twenties begins to step into the male society, his first task is how to determine his position in the male society.For men during this period, a free and relaxed relationship is ideal. Recently, the term "adequate age" has become a little-known word in the city.The term was originally applied to women who were over a certain age.It contains the meaning of secretly urging them to get married as soon as possible, which is a word that sounds quite uncomfortable.For young people, this is actually superfluous concern.Speaking of which, men also have "appropriate age".In Japanese society, if a man is not married, he is not trusted in many situations.Enterprises generally do not reuse unmarried men. The following incident was heard a long time ago. It is said that there was a period of time when taxi companies recruited drivers based on whether the driver was married or not.They believe that those with families shoulder the responsibility of being fathers and husbands, and they are cautious in everything and are less likely to have traffic accidents.Moreover, the family breadwinner will generally not resign suddenly due to the burden of the family, so the personnel of the enterprise will be in a relatively stable state. On the other hand, if a man is nearly 30 years old and has not started a family, his family will urge him; if he is nearly 40 years old and still single, people around him are likely to make the following guesses, "Does this man hate women?" Maybe he's a homosexual", and some people even think that he "maybe have some sexual flaws?" Therefore, after the men who can tenaciously resist the pressure from all sides and insist on living a celibate life, after the age of thirty, most of them will naturally have the idea of ​​"should it be time to start a family?" It is indeed a turbulent time for men when men begin to feel strongly about marriage mostly around the age of thirty. The age group around the age of thirty is also a period of important turning points in the spirit of men. Men before this age group, including college students in their twenties, are not deeply involved in the world and are overconfident in everything.They often criticize the words and deeds of their elders and seniors, and talk about national affairs with passion. During the initial period after graduation and stepping into society, they are full of curiosity about the new world and very conceited. However, after several years passed, when he realized the structure of society and his own status, he gradually realized that he was actually just an insignificant pawn.What makes them even more frustrated is that with the increase in mistakes in work and the number of reprimands by seniors, the early self-confidence is constantly being eroded.So he began to realize that society is not as simple and beautiful as he imagined. There are many examples of women becoming depressed due to mistakes at work after they enter the society, but in general, the whole society has stricter requirements on men, so men are under greater pressure.If they are not affirmed by the company and their superiors, they will be in a state of confusion all day long. In the first four or five years of entering the society, men can often drink and complain with alumni who graduated at the same time and partners who entered the company at the same time, so as to relieve fatigue. However, as they grow older, a status gap gradually develops between them .Especially after the age of 30, those who are promising careers and those who are mediocre will be completely divided into two groups.As a result, even if they were once heart-to-heart friends, now they have to be bound by new social relationships. This relationship may be a competitor relationship, or it may be a strictly hierarchical relationship between superiors and subordinates.In short, there are fewer and fewer friends who can get along freely. Although Japanese society has made great progress, it is still not uncommon to see such a phenomenon of overemphasizing hierarchical relationships.Men in corporations or government agencies, for example, would fight each other mercilessly.Living in such a society, it is inevitable to be nervous, anxious, and discouraged. So men naturally turn their focus of dependence to women who are outside the male society, hoping to get comfort from them.In this case, the starting point of a man is not to fall in love, but to hope that when he is scolded by his boss, there will be a gentle woman to comfort him. Men are most likely to be captured by this kind of mental restlessness around the age of thirty, and they begin to pursue understanding women, hoping to find a solid and reliable life partner.If there happens to be such a suitable woman by his side at this time, a man will decide to marry her without hesitation.From this point of view, the most effective way for a woman to get a man she likes is to capture his spiritual needs in a timely manner at critical moments. The above mentioned are only the most common reasons for ordinary employees to get married.There are many other reasons, such as wanting to start a family, have a child, and reassure parents when they are old; or they are tired of single life and need a woman to do some housework for him, such as sweeping the floor and cooking; Is to live a long-term stable sex life.And so on, and so on. In other words, the reason why a man intends to get married is not only because he likes the other party, but also various spiritual and social factors are at work. Therefore, when hearing her boyfriend's request "Get married!", it is best for a woman not to simply understand it as her boyfriend's love for her has been sublimated, but to imagine some other factors so as not to be in a bad mood. Time to be disappointed.Rather than blaming men for being too utilitarian, it is more realistic to accept it as part of life. So, what kind of woman will a man choose as a marriage partner when he enters the stage of contemplating marriage? Some people may think that the vast majority of men will regard appearance and figure as the primary condition, and the more beautiful the woman is, the more popular she is with men. But in fact, men don't value appearance so much.Although she looks ordinary, as long as she is willing to do housework, has a good temper, and loves herself sincerely, such a woman is the first choice for a man.Of course, if you can have a beautiful appearance on this basis, it will be the icing on the cake.However, most ordinary men have self-knowledge and will not be too extravagant. Men who have been strictly trained in society do not always have unrealistic dreams about marriage like women do, but observe their surroundings with calm eyes and find suitable objects for themselves.One thing that must be noted is that men often say one thing when they are in love, but they do another thing in real life.Especially in terms of whether the fiancée can live in harmony with his parents and whether he can take care of the family seriously, men are often very conservative.In reality, there are not a few cases where the marriage contract is terminated due to the objection of the parents. In contrast, men are more concerned about the evaluation and reaction of the people around them.Men feel that even if they marry a certain woman despite their parents' objections, life will be difficult if they are caught between their parents and their wives. In addition, men generally don't want their parents to be sad about it.Compared with the past, there are more men who have this idea now, which probably has something to do with the increase in the number of only children and young people who have been living with their parents! Among the employees of the company, there are popular sayings such as "a good wife makes a success" and "with a good wife, you can get ahead".When inviting friends from the company to play at home or to visit the boss, the man hopes that his wife will be generous and make a good impression on others.Men are also very concerned about their wives' spending habits and family environment. This conservative and utilitarian mentality of men has a lot to do with the social roles they play.Having a well-rounded woman as a wife is very beneficial for personal development.A word of praise from the boss such as "Your wife is pretty good" is not only a compliment to his wife, but also implies affirmation of himself as a husband.Due to various considerations, when men choose their wives, they generally believe that ordinary-looking but educated women are obviously far better than those who are only attractive in appearance. As people say: "Wives and lovers should be separated", many men have a lover with a rich personality and a sexy appearance, but at the same time they choose a girl from a good family who is not outstanding in appearance but has a gentle personality as their marriage partner. Around this issue, many women feel very resentful towards the behavior of men.But if you think about it calmly, aren't there many women who have quite realistic ideas about marriage and consider the difference between marriage and love?There are many women who choose playboy-type men when they are in love. Once they get married, they pay very realistic attention to many factors such as the other party's income, family situation, and their own development prospects. This tendency to see love as a romantic personal game and to tie marriage closely to personal gain is most pronounced in the world of high bureaucracy.In order to achieve prosperity as soon as possible, many people put their personal feelings in the second place and try their best to cling to rich or famous families. If you blame men for being dishonest about love, you are right.However, considering that this tendency also exists among women, it may be unfair to unilaterally blame men. All in all, compared with women, men treat marriage more realistically and utilitarianly. Among the factors that prompt them to decide to marry, there are more realistic things than love. The main reason, as stated above, is that men are social creatures.In addition, the man also felt that although there was no earth-shattering love at first, as the two began to live together, the love between the two partners gradually deepened.In other words, they believe that there is no need for a passionate love between husband and wife, otherwise, once the passion cools down, cracks will appear immediately.For ordinary Japanese men, the ideal situation is that the relationship between husband and wife is stable, without major fluctuations, and you might as well have sex once in a while when you feel emotional. This may be sacrilegious to women who yearn for a warm, sweet family life.The family that men yearn for is a place where they can completely relax their body and mind and get comfort when they are frustrated.Therefore, no matter how beautiful and sexy the other woman is, it is always difficult for a man to associate her with the family in his mind.There is such a joke: "Work and sex are strictly forbidden (family)." This more or less reflects the attitude of men towards the family. That being said, it is only natural for young men and women to yearn for a relationship and hope that it will develop into a life partner.However, the problem is: Once the specific marriage issues are involved, they have to make compromises to some extent in real life. In this regard, women are no exception.Before marriage, in addition to the appearance of the other party, women also have many requirements for their education, income, family environment and property.If the other party has all these conditions, then women generally hope that the two parties will enter the married life after passing the love stage.In other words, women want to live together only after they are in a relationship and love each other. As a result, women who look forward to living a new life with their sweetheart, although not interested in housework, start to learn to cook and arrange flowers, or go to the store to choose various furniture and daily necessities. Women's motivation in this aspect is far greater than that of men. Relatively speaking, men are not very keen on such things, and they consider problems more realistically.This is slightly different from women.To put it to the extreme, as long as a man meets the conditions for marriage, even if he does not go through the stage of passionate love, he can organize a family logically.Women, on the other hand, cannot skip the stage of being in love.Even if it is a blind date marriage, many people claim that the blind date is just an opportunity, and the two parties will eventually enter the door of marriage after falling in love and producing love. It can be seen from this: Compared with men, women attach great importance to the love between the two parties, and hope to see their lives change dramatically with marriage. Because of this, even after the marriage dust settles, women are vacillating. Some of them often have such thoughts: "Do you really want to live with this person in the future?" "Is this choice right?" When some women feel that they do not have the confidence to truly love each other deeply, in order not to cause trouble for him, they will take the initiative to dissolve the engagement. Once a well-known playboy disclosed his personal experience in a TV interview.In his view, women who are engaged are the easiest to get started with.It stands to reason that ordinary men would never think of touching a married woman.But according to the dandy himself, an engaged woman is often hesitant and uneasy about her own marriage, and at this time, if other men take advantage of the opportunity, they can easily succeed.And "you don't have to take any responsibility after you succeed, there is nothing better than this."In addition to being surprised by this analysis, I have to admire those veterans in the field of romance. Only they can grasp the psychology of women so accurately. Of course, there are many couples who go through the stage of passionate love smoothly without such hardships, and finally enter into married life with the blessings of relatives and friends of both parties. There is no doubt that men always want to be at the top of everything.If they do not have the upper hand in marriage, it will be difficult for them to maintain their psychological balance.For this reason, men hope that their wives will be gentle and modest, and focus their lives on the family.They feel that by doing so, their wives will feel alienated from the outside world and they will maintain their advantage.This kind of thinking seems naive and ridiculous, but it really reflects the psychology of those men who lack self-confidence for fear that their self-esteem will be hurt. Most of these men are unwilling to marry women who are better than themselves at work or with higher education than themselves.Of course, on the contrary, there are also men who are proud of this, but specifically, this is only a minority, and it is not within the scope of what we are talking about. It is worth emphasizing that most men are proud of their wives' beauty and noble family background, but if their wives' knowledge and education surpass their own, they are often unwilling to admit it. Facing women with high education and excellent abilities, men tend to be on tenterhooks.I am worried that after living with them, it will be difficult for me to occupy a place in the family because my wife's social aspect and social skills are far ahead.In addition, such a wife is easily noticed by other men in society, so she is likely to compare other men with her husband, which makes men often fall into a sense of crisis. Even if an enterprising woman with excellent work ability is favored by a man and gets his marriage proposal, she will often be opposed by the other's mother.These mothers insist that no matter how good a woman is at a job, she is certainly not good at taking care of the family.In an age where more and more men are raised with excessive pampering from their mothers, the opinions of these mothers are very marketable. Although it is not uncommon for women to be active in society today, this psychology of men has not changed at all.Deep in a man's heart, there is still a kind of hope that his wife has a mother's color.They hope that their wives can accept everything about themselves unconditionally and support themselves selflessly from the sidelines like their mothers. In the eyes of women, this is purely a unilateral willful request of men.In fact, every man has this wayward idea more or less.Men's desire to marry when they feel isolated is also a manifestation of this idea.In this regard, women will inevitably react as follows: "Are you kidding, I'm not your mother." This may be true, but when you think about it carefully, don’t wives sometimes seek something similar to fatherly love or friendship from their husbands or lovers? In short, the so-called marriage is not just a union of a man and a woman who love each other.They play the role of father, mother, or friend to each other, and each shows a childlike side when necessary, and so on is an integral part of marriage.Without these, I am afraid it would be difficult to call it a real marriage. After the two finally got married, the first problem they encountered was the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. At this time, the first thing that must be realized is that it is normal for the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to be difficult to coordinate. Although most mothers try to accept their new daughter-in-law, deep down there is always a strong feeling that their son has been taken away, and there is also jealousy at the fact that son and daughter-in-law are united through sex.The most obvious manifestation is that some mothers subconsciously regard their daughter-in-law as a "woman who hooked their son away", and some mothers even have a sense of victimhood. abandon.Mothers with this kind of subconsciousness often have hatred and jealousy towards their daughter-in-law, which can also be said to be an instinct of motherhood.No matter how cultivated the mother is, there are no exceptions at this point. In addition, the daughter-in-law is very concerned about the bond between her husband and mother-in-law.The stronger this bond is, the more strongly will the daughter-in-law desire to sever it, so that the husband's thoughts may be concentrated on himself alone.On the one hand, this is due to the wife's desire for monopoly, and on the other hand, it is also related to the wife's face.Because a wife always thinks that she should be the most important person to her husband. To sum up, the essence of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a "triangular relationship" centered around a man who is both husband and son.Even though this kind of relationship appears to be harmonious on the surface, deep down there are always many complex psychology of mutual jealousy. Moreover, the age gap between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law cannot be ignored.In real life, there are not many women in their 50s and 60s who can live in harmony with women in their twenties. From a scientific point of view, according to the difference in age, people's physical state is different.From breathing rate and pulse rate to blood pressure, the differences between the young and the old are striking.From the amount of exercise to eating habits, from the rhythm of life to the daily sensitivity to volume, it is different from person to person.For example, the rock music that a young couple likes may sound like real noise to the parents-in-law, and conflicts often arise from this. From this point of view, it is not easy for the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to live in harmony, because one of the two must make concessions.In the past, it was only natural for a daughter-in-law to make a low profile and give in. However, the times are different. Now if both parties do not give in to each other and compromise with each other, then the relationship between the two may immediately fall apart. When dealing with such a relationship between the two, it is best not to expect too much in advance, thinking that the problem can be solved by exchanging opinions.Instead, the difficulty should be fully estimated in advance, and it is normal to admit that the deadlock in the relationship between the two is normal, and it is also natural for a mother-in-law to have hostility towards her daughter-in-law.If there is any secret to reconciling the relationship between the two, it must be it. How does a man between his mother-in-law and daughter-in-law feel about the rigid relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?How do they generally react? In short, their only wish is for peace between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. With this in mind, before deciding on marriage, especially the eldest son in the family often regards whether the candidate can live in peace with the mother-in-law as an important criterion for choosing a spouse.Only when the other party passes this threshold can the marriage be successful. However, life after marriage is not as simple as imagined.In many cases, men will hear complaints from both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.The mother-in-law would say: "It's because you pampered her, that's why she is so domineering now." The daughter-in-law would complain: "Mom doesn't consider my situation in everything, and just makes decisions casually." At this time, the greatest wish of a man is to remain neutral forever, and neither party will offend.为此，对妻子他会说：“老妈的话不要放在心上，听过就算了。”对母亲则抚慰道：“我理解您的心情。她那边我会好好说她的，您不要太生气。”这就是男人的狡猾之处，也是他在无法舍弃母亲和妻子中任何一方的情况下的无奈之举。 下面是我从一位朋友那儿听来的故事。有一对年轻夫妇住在离母亲家相当近的地方。母亲年纪大了，做儿子的放心不下她的身体，经常在下班途中顺便到母亲家里去坐一下。由于担心妻子知道了这事后会不高兴，所以每次他都瞒着她。然而母亲并不知情，每当儿子来看望自己，母亲便会让他带一些他喜欢吃的食物回家。儿子想说不要，但怕伤老人家的心，拿回家的话又怕惹妻子不高兴，所以每次都是在离开母亲回自己家的途中一个人把这些食物吃掉。 这个故事听上去有些悲惨，男人夹在婆媳间过日子确实不是滋味。最让男人头疼的是妻子提出的“你妈和我，究竟哪一个更重要”的问题。男人一边说：“当然是你喽。不过妈妈年纪也大了，又比较寂寞，你要多加谅解。”一边心中想：“哪个重要，这是我一个人能够决定的事吗？”同样，如果母亲迫问：“我和你媳妇，究竟谁重要？”男人们便会回答：“肯定是您，我和她没有血缘关系，和您才是血脉相通、骨肉相连。” 男人如此宽慰双方，只求息事宁人。新婚燕尔之际，大多数男性比较向着妻子。随着岁月流逝，逐渐又开始回到母亲身边。之所以这样，一方面是因为男性对妻子的性爱失去了新奇感和依赖感，另一方面也是因为母亲年事渐高。 男人深知自身的世故之处，他以此方式周旋于婆媳之间，为求得片刻的安宁而煞费苦心。 婆媳之间的矛盾和纠纷极其折磨男人。以至于后来男人一旦感觉到妻子有可能向他开火，便连忙采取加班或同别人去喝酒等手段晚些回家。 有的男人也这样劝慰自己：这些家庭纠纷都是小事，不必大惊小怪，因此平时尽量采取事不关己高高挂起的态度。 对于婆媳之间发生的矛盾，大部分男人仅仅停留在听任她们发牢骚或抚慰她们几句的方式，并不积极主动地采取解决方法。从这种意义上说，丈夫对婆媳问题，几乎没有多少当事人意识。事实上，倘若男人想对此做些什么的话，反而有可能会使婆媳双方情绪更加激烈事态失去控制，正因为男人凭本能感悟到这一点，所以才在有关场合尽量采取躲避姿态。 从妻子的角度看，丈夫的这种做法实在不上台面，不过这也是做丈夫的因为没有解决能力不得已而为之的。 母亲和妻子之间产生纠纷后，丈夫一般是采取鸵鸟主义，一味低头扎在沙石里静等暴风雨消退。如果这样做问题还是不能得到解决的话，作为最后一招，男人们便会向自己的父亲求援，希望父亲劝慰一下母亲。倘若父亲早已去世，或父亲与母亲之间的关系本不融洽，这就难办了，本来如果父母间的关系融洽和睦，那么他们忙自己的生活还来不及，也就不会有多余的时间去对孩子的家庭横加干涉了。 至此，我们可以看出，男人中有八成人十分不愿卷入婆媳间的纷争，对她们间的纠葛忧心忡忡，恨不得从中解脱出来；余下的两成人对此类事情基本上无动于衷。 这是因为，当妻子和母亲分别要求男人替自己主持公道时，有的男人会觉得这是自己受双方重视的见证，从而产生某种充实感。两名女性在关键时刻希望从自己这儿得到援助，由此男人获得了一种作为家庭核心的感觉，这往往可以满足那些十分注重自己在他人心目中地位的男人的虚荣心。 即使表面上没有什么矛盾，但婆婆一般总是对儿媳抱有一种对抗性的竞争心理，为此每次儿子回到自己家里时，总要尽量对儿子表现出深切的爱意。 当儿子从母亲那儿听到“她不太会做饭，弄得你也跟着受罪了”，或“她只管自己工作却根本不照顾你，实在太不像话了”等等有关自己妻子的坏话时，他们表面上会做出“哎，这也是没办法呀”之类的含糊回答，在内心却往往同意这些看法。 对他们来说，平时虽然这么想，却无法直接抱怨妻子。现在母亲说出了他想说的话，所以虽然表面上他们不随声附和，内心却是十分赞同的。 这不仅仅局限于母子，对于其他各种的人际关系亦不例外。假设自己对甲有意见，而一旁的乙对甲发表了一番激烈的批评言辞后，自己没准会替甲去开脱：“其实他身上也有好的地方。”同样当母亲说了一大通有关妻子的过火的话时，虽然自己对妻子也有不满，但这时一般总会劝慰母亲“算了，算了”。这样一来，也觉得自己很洒脱大度。 婆婆、儿子、儿媳这三人之间的三角关系建立在一种微妙的平衡基础上。他们之间的争执、不愉快是难免的。当然，偶尔婆媳之间也有相处得融洽的时候。 儿子在外面另有情人时，最有可能产生此类现象：这时对婆婆来说当前的敌人是儿子的情人，敌人的敌人便是盟友。 于是儿媳成了同一阵营的同志。婆婆一边规劝儿子、数落其情人的不是，另一边尽力抚慰伤心的儿媳，甚至有时还会拉着儿媳的手，向她道歉：“对不起，让你受委屈了。” 儿媳此时亦感到孤立无援、十分痛苦，只能依靠婆婆。双方互相表现出各自软弱的一面，同时她们又相互安慰，这样两者的关系自然会好转。 此时婆婆对曾勾去儿子、如今却又被其他女性击败、沉浸在悲伤中的儿媳多多少少持有一种莫名的优越感。总之只有当儿子不再置身于前述三角关系之中时，婆媳之间才真正开始心灵方面的交流，这实在是颇有讽刺意味。 在此，我们想探讨的一个问题是：随着时代的变迁，婆媳之间的关系会出现什么样的变化。 第二次世界大战爆发之前，旧式儿媳大都在不谙世事的年龄嫁到婆家，在婆婆的指导下她们努力学习，积极地适应婆家的家务事和生活习惯。在最初的日子里，她们不断受到婆婆训斥和压迫，但越是这样，年轻的儿媳越是希望能早日熟悉婆家的情况，掌握各方面技能，成为一个合格的家庭主妇，所以对婆婆的挑剔总是抱忍让的态度。对年轻的儿媳来说，需要学习的东西多如牛毛，而且当她认识到所谓的婚姻不只意味着个人之间的关系，还包括家庭之间的关系，只要现在加以忍耐，今后一定会在家里取得稳固的地位时，她们会对未来寄予莫大的希望。 随着时代的变迁，家庭的规模越来越小，现在女性结婚已不再是传统意义上出嫁到一个大家族，而是同某一男人生活在一起。不过人们的意识还没有完全扭转过来，很多婆婆都是从以前当儿媳时一步步地熬过来的，如今她们虽不要求自己的儿媳也经历那种不愉快的事情，但另一方面还是希望儿媳表现得规矩本分，像个做儿媳的样子，特别是在大家庭或地方上的旧式家族中，这种想法更为根深蒂固。 与此同时，随着家庭中孩子数量越来越少，母亲花在抚育孩子方面的精力比以前增多，以至于很多孩子觉得做父母的必须无所不包。这样一来，这些孩子结婚后，很自然地对自己的妻子也会提出过多要求，希望她们能像自己母亲一样照顾自己，凡事依着自己。然而当今的女性已不同于她的前一代，她们自我意识强烈，凡事有自己的主见，并且坚持自己的生活方式，不愿意事事都围绕着丈夫转。这种夫妇意识上的分歧，又成了新时期婆媳关系问题的一个诱导因素。 近几年来，年轻人对性的要求开始趋向淡泊。如前所述，所谓的婆媳关系，即两个女性围绕一个男性的“三角关系”。说极端些，其中，一方女性是通过血脉关系与该男子保持着联系，另一方则是通过其女性的魅力将自己与男方系在一起的。如果妻子的强大武器不能充分发挥作用，那她就无法占据婆婆的上风。因为从饮食到日常生活的点点滴滴，丈夫已习惯了母亲的一套方式。另外，婆婆对自己儿子的要求会尽量满足，可谓无私奉献。与之相反，妻子对丈夫往往会大发牢骚。尽管这样，三角关系之所以能保持平衡，关键在于婆婆在日常生活方面能占据主导地位。与此同时，妻子又能通过其自身的性魅力使丈夫对她保持依赖心理。但是，一旦夫妇间的性爱变得可有可无时，婆婆一方在三角关系中占据有利地位的可能性便会急剧增大。 概括地说，随着母亲们的“乖乖儿”的增多及男人们性欲望的减退，婆婆的地位也会日渐提高。 对妻子来说，与婆婆同样难对付的便是丈夫的姐妹。 同以前相比，现在的婆婆已不再对儿媳说三道四了，但小姑子们往往仍会毫无顾忌地直接向儿媳妇们挑衅。之所以这样，是因为她们在内心对来到自己家里的女性怀有一种本能的敌意，生怕她们来了以后，会彻底改变将自己从小养育大的家庭。倘若这家是殷实人家，她们对儿媳的这种敌对情绪会更为激烈。尤其是小姑，即使太任性会损害同兄嫂或弟妹的关系，她们仍会毫无顾忌地发泄不满。有时候双方会剑拔弩张，这时婆婆便出来缓和局势，说：“没必要这么说。”但是小姑则会继续说：“妈妈您不好意思说，那我来替您说了。”这样一来，婆婆也就予以默认了。 相对而言，对于与自己姐妹结婚的男性，男人一般不会表现出类似的态度。之所以男女之间在这一点上表现不一，最大的原因便在于男女结婚时，男方一般不会作入赘女婿，他们同女方的娘家保持着一定距离。可见结婚对男女双方的切身利益带来的影响有着根本的差别。另一方面，男性在看待事物、考虑事物方面，已习惯于将自己同对方的关系加以客观化的思维方式。 总之，处于所谓养父母与养子女关系的人之间总是存在着容易发生误解的地方，其中最典型的例子，便是婆媳关系。 当然因此而对改善婆媳关系抱绝望态度亦非贤明之举。 要解决这个问题，首先最关键的便是意识的改变。人们应该对婆媳二者在思想观念方面存在的巨大差异保持清醒的认识，她们相互之间不必过于接近。在此基础上，尽量站在对方立场上考虑问题，或许对关系的改善不无裨益。