Chapter 14 Chapter 10 Expressing: Expressing Yourself Clearly and Powerfully

Opening with a third story is a very effective way to start a conversation because it makes the conversation more constructive.After that, genuinely listening to the other person's story with a desire to know what the other person thinks and feels becomes a critical second step in the conversation.However, getting to know them is clearly not the end goal of your conversation; the other person also needs to hear your story and get to know you.Therefore, you need to learn to express yourself. One might think that in difficult conversations, as long as my vocabulary is rich enough, and I am eloquent and quick thinking, I must be able to express myself clearly and forcefully.Is this really the case?No, successful self-expression has nothing to do with any of this.Winston Churchill and Martin Luther King Jr. were both undeniably great orators, but their superior presentation skills did not help them when it came to difficult conversations.

In a difficult conversation, your main task is not to persuade or impress the other person, nor to deceive or turn them against them, nor to outwit them with skill.Your job is to express yourself—to tell the other person what you see and feel, why you see things the way you do, and sometimes, who you are.In difficult conversations, self-knowledge and sound faith—belief in the importance of the information we’re sharing—get us farther than eloquence and tact. In this chapter, we will first talk about entitlement, or entitlement.In order for your communication to be clear and powerful, you must negotiate with yourself and convince yourself that what you want to express is worthy of your heart - you think that your views and feelings are different from those of anyone else. Opinions are as important as feelings.Then, we will discuss together how to find out the emotions and opinions you want to express, and how you can express them to achieve the best expression effect.In the meantime, we will examine several very common but very important mistakes in expression, and tell you how to avoid mistakes, as well as some methods of perfect expression.

John is a second-year law student.He is currently preparing to meet with a revered federal justice to discuss some matters concerning his upcoming clerkship.It is said that the justice is notoriously eloquent and sometimes very irritable, which made John feel a little anxious and worried. He worried that once he stepped into the justice's room, he would immediately lose his ability to speak. courage. At this time, one of John's favorite professors gave him a piece of advice Whenever I feel threatened or treated unkindly by someone, I tell myself - in the eyes of God, we are all equal of. "

Whether we believe in God or not, we can take a powerful lesson from this professor's advice: No matter who we are—supreme power or status, or too little to be seen—we all have The right to be respected by others.My opinions and feelings are as legitimate, as precious, as important as yours—no more, no less, exactly like yours.For some, this is already obvious; for others, it's big news. Poet and activist Audrey Lord contemplates issues of expression and rights in an essay in "Sisters from the Outsider," just after learning that she has breast cancer. "I've come to believe that ... the single most important thing for me is to speak up, to say out loud what's on my mind, to share it, even if there's a risk that I'll get criticized for what I say, or misunderstood...

Reluctantly, I finally realized that my death was coming, and at this moment, I finally realized my hope for life, even if it was so short.It was almost dusk, and under the merciless twilight, I saw the privilege of life, but I was also helpless in those omitted times, and the thing that made me regret the most was the silence before... That's when I wondered: Have I ever expressed myself out loud?My silence failed to protect my life.Your silence will not protect you either... When we are tired, we think and talk about our tiredness out loud. In the same way, when we are afraid, we can learn to think and talk about our fear.To fit in, we often have to pay more respect to our fears than our own desire for words and definitions.And yet, as we remain silent, waiting to enjoy the luxury of being finally free from fear, the silence tightens around our throats with its silent weight. "

Lord saw the real risks of expressing herself, but she also recognized that the price of silence would be greater and more terrifying.Recognizing your right to speak will not only help you find your place in the conversation, but it will also give you the courage to overcome fear and cowardice. Sometimes, we often feel in a dilemma: on the one hand, we think we should stand up and speak for ourselves;At this time, our subconscious mind will come up with a curve-saving - or imagined - "countermeasure": we will try to sort out our thoughts, sort out our emotions, and prepare for speaking, but we just don't take action , So, in the end we still failed to break through the shackles of silence.We will wait until there is not enough time to deal with the topics we care about.At this time, we will "unexpectedly" forget the materials we have prepared, or our brains will "suddenly" go blank, and the ideas and expressions we just thought of will disappear without a trace in an instant, and this is what we do. The desired result!Our wish has been fulfilled: we are quite satisfied with all the previous efforts and attempts - after all, we have tried, we have taken action, although we have failed in the end - we also feel guilty for this failure. happiness.That's self-sabotaging little calculations and all the tricks.

If this scene sounds familiar to you, or if you've ever thought about it, then you really need to pay extra attention when you're caught between a rock and a hard place in a conversation.Once you notice that bad emotions or confusion start to emerge, please be sure to put up a big "stop" sign to stop yourself who is about to go astray in time.Before you move forward, though, you need to have a self-awareness conversation first.Why are you qualified to speak?Has anyone ever told you in the past that you are not qualified to speak?And what words do you think you can only say after you have the qualifications to speak?

There is a row of small holes in the center of many train and ship tickets, and one side of the small holes is a secondary ticket, and the warning language of "Once the secondary ticket is torn off, the ticket will be invalid immediately" is usually written on the ticket. In difficult conversations, we also encounter the risk of "tearing the side coupons".When we are unable to express what we think is the most important point of view or emotion, we and the other party are like a ticket and a side ticket, which will be torn apart. In this way, the relationship between us and them will face "nullification". "danger.

In fact, the vast majority of people prefer to be friends with people who are willing to talk freely.The reason why Angela broke off the engagement was because her fiancé was "too nice".He never expressed his preference, never argued with Angela, let alone raised his voice, and never even asked Angela for anything.While admiring his kindness and tolerance, Angela also felt that he seemed to lack something: his ego. Sometimes you may feel lonely or depressed, and by refusing to share these emotions with those around you, you are robbing them of the opportunity to get to know you.You always think that once they know how you really think and feel, they won't respect, like or admire you as much as they did before.However, if you just want to show the best and purest side of yourself in front of the world, it is really too difficult.Often, in order to disguise parts of ourselves, we end up having to hide all of ourselves.Therefore, what we present to the world is a lifeless and indifferent "I".

Self-expression is difficult and requires effort, but it can give our relationships an opportunity for change, an opportunity for strengthening.Carly is a Native American who works at a counseling center for troubled teenagers.Carly felt that the relationship between herself and her colleagues always seemed a little distant and not close enough.Probably because the other party is white, she always feels that they can't really understand her, but in fact, many times, their reactions to her do seem a little insensitive. One day, though, she decided to take a risk and share some of her own story with them.She described to them the nicknames she was given when she was a child and the experience of being teased and teased. At the same time, she also expressed her desire to be an "ordinary person" for many years.However, what she never expected was that these "childhood revelations" had brought about a huge change in the relationship between her and her colleagues, who began to appreciate and admire her.Seemingly inspired by her, colleagues also began to take turns telling their past embarrassing stories, sharing the feeling of being ignored with everyone.If Carly hadn't taken the first step and still refused to share her story with her colleagues, she would not have been able to break through the barrier she put between herself and her colleagues-"White people don't understand and don't care about my views." and feelings”—nor an opportunity for co-workers to get close to her, to get to know her, to tell her that they cared.

Only when both partners express themselves sincerely and understand each other can their relationship survive and grow stronger.It’s the kind of rapport that’s enjoyable for both parties (which is far more relaxing than being alone) and comforting for the soul (“My boss knows I have weaknesses but still appreciates me.”) "). You certainly have the right to express yourself.If you don't think so, then you need to do something to change your mind. However, just because you have the right to do so does not mean that it is your obligation.This misunderstanding of the right to speak is another reason for your withdrawal: "I should say what's on my mind, but I'm so scared. I can't do anything right!" Usually , expressing yourself is a daunting task, and finding the courage to express yourself is a lifelong process.If you haven't started this effort yet, you might as well start now, but don't take it as a task, let alone take it as a punishment for yourself. The first step in expressing yourself is to find your right, or qualification, to speak; the second step is to figure out what you want to say. There is no better choice to start your story than what you consider to be the central content or event and in my opinion this thing is about... how I feel is... what matters to me is ..." It seems common sense to us that in a conversation we should share what we think is the most important thing with the other person, yet we often ignore this common sense.Take Charlie, for example. As the eldest of four brothers, he always wanted to get as close as possible to his youngest brother, 16-year-old Gary.Gary is dyslexic, and seeing his older brothers do well in high school and go on to graduate degrees in college was a source of discomfort for him.He tried to study hard, but the effect was not good, so he began to skip classes, and became more and more dependent on alcohol to comfort and numb himself. Charlie hopes to help his brother out by offering some lessons from his own past. You should definitely join the debate team.The coaches in that group were fantastic, and the group activities also help you get used to the way you study at university in advance. "You know, Gary, too much alcohol isn't doing you any favors."That just makes everything worse. "However, no matter what Charlie said, Gary felt that his elder brother was criticizing himself, so he would inevitably be on guard, and he also disliked his sympathetic attitude towards him. As a result, the relationship between the two brothers became more and more serious. more and more distant. Things took a major turn when we asked Charlie why he valued his relationship with his brother so much.Charlie admires Gary's ability to work so hard to succeed.He also felt a little guilty for not being kind to this little brother when he was a child.So, in the end, we found out that Charlie really wanted to be a good brother, a good big brother who loved his brother and his brother loved him.And when he realized that too, Charlie cried. When Charlie told his brother about his desire, Gary froze.Charlie needs him.Charlie needs his help to be a good brother!And this eventually became a turning point in the relationship between the two brothers. It is precisely because in previous conversations, Charlie has never revealed his thoughts, even hinted at them, so Gary, who does not know mind reading skills, naturally cannot understand his brother's true thoughts.Their previous conversation hadn't even gotten to the heart of the matter, let alone talk about Charlie's hurt feelings and emotions.Every time they talked, the brothers often talked about some unrelated topics: "You will only make a mess of things. You obviously need my help, but you just don't ask for help." Unfortunately, in many difficult conversations, it is the same mistake Charlie made that brings the conversation to a dead end.We always talk about irrelevant topics, and after repeating it over and over again, we start to wonder why the other person just doesn't get what I mean, why don't they feel how I feel? Therefore, when you enter into a difficult conversation, first ask yourself: "Have I said what I think is the core issue? Have I told the other party the most critical content?" If your answer is If not, you should first ask yourself why you didn't do it, and then think about whether you have the courage to try it. One of the ways we avoid talking about those important things is to say some sentences that have something to say, leaving some subtext for the other party to appreciate, rather than straight to the point and saying what is on our minds. Recall from the Preface, where we discussed the dilemma: say it, or avoid it.One of the common ways for us to deal with this embarrassing situation—especially if you’re not sure if you can actually speak—is to use subtext to communicate, which is what we often say.You can convey information to the other party indirectly through telling jokes, asking questions, casual comments or body language. Between avoiding and facing these two choices, this "curve to save the country" approach seems to be a good compromise.In this way, you both "face" the problem and "avoid" the consequences.This way of having both fish and bear's paw sounds good, but the problem is that because you have to take care of both at the same time, the final result is likely to be that you can't take good care of both sides, and both sides are ruined.Before, you chose this compromise method because you were worried that mentioning this topic might cause various problems. As a result, now, all the problems you were worried about were raised at once, but the other party still failed to understand you information to express.As the saying goes, if you lose your wife, you lose your army. Just imagine, every Saturday, you and your husband usually have a good sleep first, then get up to tidy up the room, take the puppy for a walk, or do something else together, week after week.Recently, however, he has become obsessed with golf, so he started playing eighteen holes every Saturday morning.The previous Saturdays never meant anything important or special to you - unlike appointments or other important things, it was just a habit - but when you find that Saturday's plans have been disrupted When, you suddenly start to miss it.So, the two of you don't have the same quality weekends you used to spend together, and as a result, you start to hate his "new love" more and more. In this regard, in order to avoid conflict with your husband, you can choose to keep silent, but, as we have seen before, without venting, your dissatisfaction and resentment will grow day by day until it explodes.Or, you can also choose to talk about this issue to your husband in a subtle way. Dear, there are really many things to do at home this weekend. ’ ‘Is golf really so important to you that you have to play it every week? "Honey, you play golf too often!" " These words don't express your real thoughts. What you really want to tell your husband is: "I want to spend more time with you." Next, let's take a look at the literal meaning of each sentence. The subtext of it: The inappropriateness of this sentence is that, first of all, you have chosen the wrong topic for conversation.Doing chores can indeed increase the time you spend together, but compared to what you really think, there is a fundamental difference between the two.Secondly, even if there are housework that needs to be done, your husband can completely "discuss the matter" and reply "There are not so many things to do, you can discuss it after I come back from playing." This is a typical false interrogative sentence with words in it.Here, the question is nothing more than a mask to hide what you really think.Obviously, you want to use the subtext of asking questions to express what you really think.It's just that, compared with your intentions, your true thoughts are not so clear and clear.Your tone of voice tells your husband that you are angry or frustrated.However, you haven't clearly told him why you're angry or what he can do to calm your anger.Are you angry because your husband is preoccupied with a meaningless sport and neglecting community service or chores around the house?Or is it because he didn't take you to play golf?Or maybe it's because you feel like the two of you don't spend enough time together?How can he know what's on your mind if you don't say everything clearly? In this sentence, you are merely expressing your opinion through the mouth of the facts.So, after you've said that, your husband starts to wonder, "What if you play too much golf?" "How often is too much?" "How often is the right amount? "So what if I play too much golf?" Of course, even if he knew the answers to all these questions, he was still in the dark—he didn't understand the deep meaning behind the questions. . The chasm between "Honey, you play golf so much" and "I want to spend more time with you" is just too wide and too long. In order for the conversation to go smoothly, you need to figure out what you really think and feel, and then say frankly that I want to spend more time with you, and Saturday mornings are one of the few times we do get together.But, now, I see that all your energies are on golf.This makes me feel a little sad. " Sometimes, you will find that you even wish you could express yourself without saying everything so clearly, and it would be best if you can get away with ambiguity.You put your hopes on the other person: if he can figure out where the problem is and fix it, great!Such fantasies are common and understandable—wouldn’t our ideal spouse or perfect co-worker be able to connect with us and meet our needs without our asking?However, unfortunately, such people do not exist in this world.Over time, we may get a better understanding of how each person thinks and feels, but we've never been able to truly know ourselves and our enemies.We are often disappointed by the other person not being able to read our minds, and this is often one of the causes of the problem. There is a communication method that is similar to this method of using subtext to communicate, and it can also destroy the conversation.Professor Chris Achilles of the Harvard Business School calls this type of communication "self-defeating clumsiness," in which you try to "soften" the message through hints and leading questions to express your point of view indirectly. Way.In performance appraisal, there are countless people who express themselves in this way: "So, how do you evaluate your work?" "Do you think you really did your best?" "I have a Same problem, but maybe... a little better this way. Do you agree with me?" This "stupid approach" conveys three layers of information: "I have an opinion", "Speaking out will only embarrass everyone", and "I'm not going to get straight to the point with you".Undoubtedly, such messages will only heighten anxiety and defensiveness on both sides.Faced with such information, most recipients usually immediately paint a picture in their minds that is far worse than it really is. Relatively speaking, a better way to communicate is to express your thoughts straight to the point, so that the other party can clearly understand the issue and start a discussion. Is there a different idea on the topic, and if so, what is his thinking: "As far as I know, you seem to have done more than I do on this matter. However, you also know more about things than I do. So, I want to know, where do you think differently from me?" If you disagree with the other person's point of view, you can directly say how to test the views of both parties, or try to mediate and find a middle ground between the two views. Balance it out, or else, you can have a discussion with each other about your different points of view. We already know that in order for the other person to understand us, we need to tell our story clearly and simply.The content and structure of the story should be clear at a glance, because only by traveling lightly can our stories go further.The problem, however, is that at this point our minds are often filled with all kinds of opinions, feelings, assumptions, and perceptions, and it's just a mess.When we try to tell all this simply and clearly, the result is usually an incomplete story. It's like getting a confusing memo from a co-worker.You think to yourself, "The content of this memo is simply whimsical, and the language organization is so messed up that it doesn't make sense at all."In order to clarify the content of the memo, you say to colleagues, "Your memo is so disorganized that it doesn't make sense at all" or simply say "Your memo doesn't make sense at all." In fact, you can use the "and" posture of "I-I" to get rid of the troubles caused by oversimplified views.In the "and" gesture, every perception, feeling and assumption is equally important.Likewise, other people's perceptions and feelings are just as important as yours.By the same token, all the myriad perceptions, feelings, and assumptions in your head are all the same — they all matter.Here, "and" is like a bridge that connects the two ends of what you think or feel.This will allow you to express clearly and precisely what you think or feel, albeit with some complexity.The following is the expression after the adjustment of the "and" posture of "I-I": In addition, the "and" gesture of "I-I" can help us remove this obstacle at the beginning of difficult conversations because we are often hindered by fear of being misunderstood.The company has a new client, and you think that your team is the best person to receive the new client, but you also worry that once you speak your mind, other teams will think you are bragging and selfish, because you want to get glory and bonuses.If so, you can incorporate this concern of yours into your conversation: “I have a few thoughts I want to share with you about a new client. I want to tell you that I want to take on this new client, but I And I’m a little nervous about it, because I’m worried that I’ll come across as selfish. So, if you have any disagreements or points of view, please speak up and let’s all discuss it.” Or, in a In different environments, you can also say the same. Regarding this, I have some very strong thoughts that I want to share with you.I worry that if I don't speak up or be proactive at first, I might feel a bit awkward in the next situation.I hope, if that is the case, that people will tolerate my inadequacies and listen patiently to the end, allowing me to make everything clear and concise. " Obviously, with the way you express yourself, the end result will be different.How you express yourself will determine, to a certain extent, how the other person responds and the general direction of the conversation.So when you want to tell someone something important, of course you want to be able to say it in a way that makes them understand and respond positively.Clarity is the key to determining whether your wish will come true. Sometimes, even if you try your best to communicate, you can't reverse the unfavorable situation in a difficult conversation, such as when you want to show weakness to the other party, or when you deliver bad news, or when you learn This is often the case when others say something bad about you.However, compared with these objective facts that are out of your control, there is a communication error that you can completely control and avoid: taking your story as truth, or fact-doing so will only invite resentment and defensiveness on the other side Psychology, while turning the conversation into an argument. This is a common mistake we make inadvertently in conversation, and it's based on a wrong mindset: We often take our beliefs, opinions, and judgments as objective facts.When we're talking about our favorite movies, food, or sports icons, we share our judgments as facts, and it doesn't hurt and it doesn't get us in trouble.However, in difficult conversations, the situation is very different.Facts are facts.Everything else is another matter.You need to be on the alert at all times to keep a strict distinction between the two in your mind. When you have a disagreement with your friends about whether you should spank children, if you impose your opinion on others as a fact—“It’s wrong to spank children anyway,” then you’re only exacerbating your Conflict with friends.Your statement will turn an ordinary disagreement between you and your friend into an irreconcilable conflict, and your friend will take your words as an accusation against him, or as a manifestation of your domineering disregard for others.Therefore, he is likely to retaliate to you, who do you think you are, why do you say that this is right and that is wrong? ! " Instead of discussing this topic with you calmly. In fact, under the same circumstances, if you choose any of the following statements, you will achieve a better conversation effect-I think it is wrong to beat a child. "I read many books that say that beating children will have a very bad influence on children." "When I was a child, I was beaten by adults, so whenever I heard someone beat me I feel sad, sad" or "I don't know why I feel this way, but I have a very strong feeling that hitting a child is wrong".In each of the above sentences, there is a clear distinction between your opinion or feeling and objective facts. Some words—such as "beautiful," "ugly good," "bad"—are highly personal, but others are not, such as "inappropriate," "should" or "professional," so be careful when you use those words.Because these words carry less personal judgment than "good" and "bad," but they still invite strong responses like "Why did you say that to me?!"If you want to say that something was done "inappropriately," you can preface your review with "I think..." However, we still recommend that you use such words sparingly. By saying this, we do not mean that there is no truth, or that facts do not exist, or that all opinions should be treated equally.This rule is just to remind you to distinguish between facts and your own opinions, so that you can choose your words carefully, so that both parties in the conversation can better understand each other, so that the conversation can be rewarded, instead of escalating into a meaningless conversation. Argue, a battle that is primarily defensive. To make your expression clear and clear, you first need to tell the other party your conclusions or opinions, but be sure to tell the other party that these are just your own conclusions or opinions, not facts.The next thing you have to do is tell the other person where your conclusions came from—the information you have and your understanding of it. As I have seen in Chapter 2, often in conversations we exchange our conclusions back and forth without ever delving into where each side's views come from.You have some information that the other person does not have, and this information may be very important, so you might as well share it.In addition, your life experiences will also have an impact on your thoughts and the way they flow, as well as how you feel.These experiences add color to your point of view as you tell your story. You and your wife have a discussion about whether you should send your daughter Carol to public school.The wife says, "I really think we should send her this year. She's at a very important age in her development, and I think we can afford that." To which you reply, " I think she's doing really well at the local community school. I think we should keep her there." If you want this conversation to move forward, you and your wife need to tell each other exactly how you came to this conclusion.What information did you consider before reaching this conclusion?You need to tell your wife about your experience in public school - in the first few months, you have always found it difficult to adjust and integrate into the academic life of the school.Plus, for several years after you're in school, you feel ashamed of your parents for spending most of their income on your tuition and not being able to afford a car.When you tell your wife about your experiences and feelings, as well as the final conclusion, you need to describe every detail as much as possible, and let her experience your original experiences and feelings as much as possible.Unless your wife has access to the experiences and information that influenced your decision, it will be difficult for her to understand and accept whatever you say. When discussing core issues, in order to let the other party understand our depressed mood, we will exaggerate a little if we are not careful. Why do you always comment on my clothes? ’ ‘You never say anything of appreciation or encouragement.Every time you open your mouth, we know that something must be wrong again! " "Often" and "never" usually get the job done when we want to express our low feelings, but they have two major flaws that shouldn't be overlooked.First, they're extremely inaccurate: Someone doesn't really comment on your clothes every time, and it's also not true that someone never does anything comforting.Using words like this only invites questions about frequency: “It’s not like that at all. I said a lot of nice things to you last year when you won the Office Ideas award!” — in most cases In other cases, such an answer will only further fuel your anger. Furthermore, saying "often" and "never" greatly reduces the likelihood that the other person will change their behavior—rather than increasing it, as we might expect.事实上，“往往”和“从不”这两个词语的字面含义就已经表明：改变是一件困难，或者说，不可能的事情。其言下之意就是，“你到底是怎么回事，难道你非要批评我的衣服不可吗”或甚至是“你的言行举止显然不是一个正常人应该有的行为”。 因此，对待这一情况，更好的解决方法就是在继续谈话的同时不断告诫自己：对方并没有意识到他们的行为对你所造成的不良影响（尽管这的确有些困难，但务必使你自己相信这一点），而作为一个好人，一旦意识到了这一切，他们一定会非常愿意配合你的谈话，改变自己的言行。你可以这样说：“当你说我的套裙让你想起皱巴巴的旧窗帘时，我真的觉得很难过。在我看来，批评我的着装其实就是对我审美判断的一种否定，这会让我觉得自己很没有能力。”如果你可以把自己想听的话用一种相对委婉的方式告诉对方，那效果将会更好：“我真的希望，如果你能更加相信我的品味，那该多好啊。哪怕是你的一句简单的'我觉得这个颜色很适合你'，我都会感到无比高兴，如此一来，原本剑拔弩张的紧张气氛便会立刻缓和下来。 当你与他人进行情感沟通时，关键就在于你的沟通方式：你需要邀请和鼓励对方考虑采用一种新的行为方式，而不是一口咬定对方愚蠢至极且无可救药。 要想进入他人的故事，这决不是一件简单的事情，尤其是当故事中蕴含了深厚的情感，或是当你的观点有着源远流长的历史或是植根于另一种截然不同的公司文化时，更是难上加难。为了理解他人的故事，你需要获得他们的帮助，而为了让对方理解你的故事，你也同样需要助他们一臂之力。 你因为将孩子留给了临时托管人而感到心神不宁，坐卧不安，对此，你的丈夫认为“你应该学会放松”。这时，为了让他明白和切身感受到你此时的焦虑，你可以用一种他易于接受和理解的方式来表达自我现在的我就好比坐在飞机上等待起飞的你，内心充满了担忧和恐惧。还记得吗，当飞机起飞时，尽管我尝试了一切办法，试图让你明白只要放松就好，可是我的劝说却根本无济于事，事实上，这反而让你觉得更加紧张？现在的我就是这样，什么都听不进去，根本放松不下来。 " 此外，你还需要认识到一点：不同的人接受和理解信息的速度和方法都是不一样的。例如，有些人对于直观的信息较为敏感。在与他们进行交流时，你就可以使用一些比较直观的比喻，或是借助于图片或是商务图表来表达自我。另一些人则相信行胜于言，在真正付诸行动之前，他们通常不会接受任何他人的意见或想法。此外，还有一些人则喜欢在做事前先列出或了解所有的细节。因此，你需要注意到并了解这些差别，因人制宜。 对他人的话进行阐述可以帮助你检查自己的理解是否正确，同时也可以让对方明白你听到了他们的表白。同样地，你也可以邀请对方对你的表白进行阐述：“让我来看看我说的话是否清楚明了。你能把我刚才说过的话再复述一遍吗？” 如果将获得对方的理解作为终点，清楚明了地说出自己的故事不过是迈出了第一步，所以，此时的你不应该有任何“立竿见影”的期待。在双方的交流当中，真正的互相理解是一个略显反复的过程。当你讲述完自己的故事之后，如果对方表示困惑，或是不能接受，此时，你应该询问方，他们是如何看待你的故事的，尤其是问清楚，他们对你的故事有何不同见解，而不是用一种更强硬的态度将故事复述一遍，或是换一种方式再将自己的故事讲一遍。 不过，当我们将这一做法付诸实践时，我们通常会将其演变成一种征询对方认可的行为，而这也许是因为我们想从对方那儿获得一种确认，一种安全感这样做有意义吗？”“你难道不同意吗？”然而，与此相比，询问对方有何不同见解往往会更有助于双方的理解。当你征询对方的认可时，人们在表达自己的疑惑也许会敁得有些漫不经心，或是有所保留，因为他们并不能确定你是否真的会把他们的话听进去。于是，他们会回答“是的，我想是吧”，可是从中你却无法获知他们的真实想法，“是的，从某种程度或某一方面来看，你说的没错。”如果你能清晰地表明自己渴望了解他们有何不同见解的愿望，你发现他们真实反应的可能性就会大得多。然后，你便可以和他们展开一次真正的双方谈话了。 有力地表达自我的秘密就在于一种自知之明：你的权力作用对象仅限于自己。毫无疑问，对于你自己的想法，感受以及产生这一想法和感受的原因，你拥有至高无上的发言权。如果你是这样想的，或是有这样的感受，你完全有权力将它们说出来，而没有任何人可以否认你所说的一切。可是，当你试图扩大自己权力的作用范围时——谁才是正确的，谁意图如何，发生了什么——这样的做法无异于了找麻烦。完整地说出你的经历，你的表达才能清楚无误；大声地说出自己的想法，感受及其原因，你的表达才能有力，使人信服。