Chapter 13 Chapter 9 Learning: Listening attentively and understanding

Andrew is a guest at Uncle Dong's house.Just as Dong answered the phone, Andrew tugged at his trouser legs. "Uncle Dong, I want to go out and play." "Not now, Andrew, I'm talking on the phone." Dong said. Andrew insisted on going out: “but, Uncle Dong, I want to go out!” "Said not now, Andrew!" Dong replied. "But I just want to get out!" Andrew repeated. After going back and forth a few times, Dong began to try other ways: "Hey, Andrew, you really want to hang out, don't you?" "Yes." Andrew replied.Then, without saying anything, he walked away and started playing alone.

From this it became clear that Andrew was just trying to make his uncle understand what he meant.He wanted to make sure his uncle had heard him. Andrew's story proves one thing: we very much hope that what we say is heard, and we also hope that the other party will listen because they care about us. Some people think that they are already a qualified listener; some people know that they are not but they don't really care.Whether it is the former or the latter, seeing the title of this chapter, they are likely to skip it.Never do this.In fact, being good at listening happens to be one of the most effective skills you can use during difficult conversations.It helps you get to know each other, and importantly, it helps them get to know you too.

A year ago, Greta's mother was found to be suffering from diabetes, and all medication, diet and exercise must be strictly followed by the doctor's advice.Greta was worried that her mother had not followed the doctor's orders strictly, but she could not persuade her to do so.Thus, whenever this topic is brought up, the conversation between them often goes like this: There is no doubt that such a conversation will only make Greta feel disappointed and sad, and make her feel that there is really nothing she can do about it.Greta wanted to know, what could she do to appear more authoritative, to convince her mother, to change her?

But a lack of authority wasn't Greta's problem.In fact, what she lacks is a kind of curiosity.In the next conversation, Greta changed her posture and changed the goal of the conversation from persuasion to understanding.For this reason, she tried to listen as much as possible, ask less questions, and try to identify with her mother's feelings: When Greta began to listen to her mother sincerely, she was pleasantly surprised to find that her conversation with her mother could make such great progress.She began to see the whole thing from her mother's point of view, and gradually, she found that the conversation between her and her mother on this topic could go so far, and she was finally able to help her mother in a way that her mother could accept .This is perhaps the most obvious benefit of listening: getting to know the other person.However, in addition to this, there is a second benefit of listening that may surprise you.

Surprisingly, when Greta changed her posture and no longer racked her brains trying to persuade her mother to take exercise as she did at the beginning, but simply listened to and agreed with her mother's views and feelings without any purpose, she instead The goal that was initially pursued but elusive was easily achieved - the mother accepted her help and also accepted the rehabilitation plan.Such a result is not accidental.One of the most common complaints from people who get stuck in difficult conversations is that the other person just doesn't listen to me.Whenever we hear this kind of complaint, we tend to give a standardized piece of advice that you need to spend more time listening to them. "

When the other person doesn't hear your words, you might think it's because they're stubborn, or that they just don't understand what you're trying to say. (If they can understand, they will know why they should listen to you.) So, you think the solution is to keep repeating, trying new ways of explaining it, and raising the volume. Faced with this situation, most of us feel that these methods seem to be a good solution to this problem.However, in fact, these methods do not work.why?Because in most cases, the reason why the other party doesn't want to listen to you is not because they are stubborn, but because they feel that you have not listened to them.In other words, the other person doesn't want to listen to you for the same reason you judge them: they think you're slow to respond, or you're stubborn.So, their countermeasures are exactly the same as yours: keep repeating themselves, trying new ways of expressing, raising the volume, etc.

If the barrier to their listening is that they feel that they are being heard, then the way to remove that barrier is to make them feel that they are being heard—by taking a step back and listening to what they have to say, and perhaps most importantly That is, let them know that you have understood what they are trying to say and how they are feeling. If you don't believe it, give it a try.Find the most stubborn person you know - someone who never seems to accept another person's point of view and just keeps repeating his own - and listen to him, especially when he expresses his feelings, be alert as he says When you feel frustrated, proud, or scared, identify with him or her.At that time, you can express your opinion again and see if he can calm down and listen to you.

Specifically, how did Greta's performance in the second conversation differ from the first?She asked the question.To make sure that she understood what her mother meant, and to let her know that she had understood what she had said, she repeated her mother's words.In addition, Greta also understood the hidden feelings behind her mother's words, and expressed her agreement with these feelings. Each of the above is of vital importance to listening.However, if you can only do one of these things, it's not enough.In the second conversation, one of the most important things Greta did was she reversed her frame of mind from the initial "I get it" to the later "Help me figure it out".After that, everything else changed accordingly.

Regarding how to become an excellent listener, you may have already found the answer from many books with "active listening" as the main content.Much of the advice in these books—asking questions, reviewing what the other person has said, acknowledging their point of view, listening intently, and looking them in the eye—is good advice.After reading these books, you can't wait to find someone to practice the listening skills you just learned. However, the result disappoints you. Your friends or colleagues either complain that you are acting hypocritical or that you His behavior is too mechanical and somewhat sluggish. "Don't fool me with active listening stuff," they all said.

Your problem is: the book lets you know what to say and how to sit, but you ignore the core element of listening - sincerity.Not only can people "read" your words and body language, but they can also peek into your inner world.It doesn't matter how nice your words are if the gesture you project isn't sincere.In the process of communicating, what people value is whether you are really interested in what they have to say, whether you really care about them.No amount of clever wording or rich body language will help you win the other person's trust and listening if you're fake.Even the most broken language can make your communication flow smoothly if you really mean it.

Only genuine listening has such power and utility.Genuine listening means that you listen to the other person because you are curious about it, because you care, not because you feel you should.So the key to listening is: Are you curious?Do you care? By listening to your own story, you can learn what you really think.To overcome the greatest obstacle to authentic listening, we must take a crucial first step: discovering and paying attention to your inner voice—the idea or idea that you thought but didn’t say.If left out, this voice will seriously hinder our hearing.From this point of view, even if you can listen to your inner voice with all your heart, when you listen to others, you are at most only half of your heart. So, you might as well take some time to find this narrator hidden in your mind.You might hear something like: Well, this so-called inner voice is an interesting thing. ’ or ‘What are they talking about?Am I out of ideas? ’ – this is what we call the ‘inner voice’. Perhaps, to you, this may seem a little strange.Our advice is not to turn a deaf ear to your inner voice, let alone refuse to listen to it.You can't do that.Instead, we encourage you to try to find and listen to these voices, at least when they speak, you should be able to understand what they mean.In other words, listen to them.Only when you are fully aware and clear about your own thoughts can you effectively manage them and keep your attention on the other person. While listening, you tend to have countless thoughts and feelings, but now you have fully mastered their laws: these inner voices will correspondingly enter the three-layer dialogue, and start chattering and expressing themselves. Opinion.In "what happened" conversations, you may hear voices like "I'm right," "I didn't mean to hurt you," and "It wasn't my fault."At the same time, you may also notice feelings—"I can't believe she's looking at me like that! I'm so pissed!" and your self-perception—"I really have Are you careless? You shouldn’t be.” Or, in many cases, you may still have some irrelevant daydreams——“I don’t know if there is enough dinner for my in-laws?” Or start to prepare for an answer—” When will it be my turn to speak, I have already thought about four things to say." In this way, the speaker will naturally not feel that you are absent-minded. So, when there are so many inner voices in you, how can you maintain a posture of curiosity while listening intently?You can try two steps.First, see if you can keep yourself curious by negotiating with yourself; and second, see if you can channel your inner voice into learning as well.If that doesn't work, or sometimes doesn't, you may have to learn to express your inner voice before listening to the other person. If you think that your inner voice cannot be changed, you are wrong.When you catch your curiosity dozing off, you can wake it up.At this point, you can remind yourself that, as a task, getting to know each other is often harder than it seems.Also, keep in mind that if you think you already know how the other person is feeling and what they are trying to say, you are delusional.Sometimes, when you are already confident that everything has settled and you are definitely right, you will often find that a seemingly insignificant little thing has changed everything.As the saying goes, there is no limit to learning, and there are many things you have never understood.Therefore, you need to constantly remind yourself that each of our lives is made up of many different stories, each of which is different in depth and complexity, and there may be contradictions between stories and stories. There are very subtle differences. In the middle of the night, Audrey was woken up by her six-year-old daughter, Joyce.They had just seen a movie in which Joyce was horrified by the scene where the bitch left her puppies and never came back.Therefore, Audrey thought that Joyce was worried that he would abandon her, so she explained to Joyce: "I will never leave you alone, let alone go away forever." However, this is not the case. Joyce is not worried that his mother will abandon him, but worried about the tortoise he just bought.The plot in the movie reminded her of whether her tortoise is the mother of another little tortoise, or is there a little tortoise waiting for her mother to return?In fact, Joyce's tortoise is just a newborn baby tortoise, but she doesn't know it, so she feels scared and guilty.In this story, the reason why Audrey misunderstood her daughter was because she chose the former between her inner voice and her daughter's words.She heard an inner voice say, "I know what's going on," and, just as she accepted it, her fire of curiosity died down. Another way to help reignite your curiosity is to stay focused on the purpose of your conversation.If your purpose is to persuade or win the other person, or to get the other person to do something, your inner voice will repeat the purpose repeatedly in unison, saying to you, "Why don't you do this-clearly this is what you want to do. best answer".If one of your main goals is to get to know the other person, your inner voice will be driven by this goal and ask you the question, "Is there anything else I need to know for this?" or "I want to know How do I understand the world so that it all makes sense?" Sometimes, you will find that your inner voice is so powerful that you cannot concentrate on listening to the other person at all.Of course, you have tried to mobilize your curiosity, but in the end you have failed.If you've been overwhelmed by hurt or anger, outraged by someone's betrayal, or vice versa, overjoyed or overwhelmed by love, then, for you , concentrating on listening has almost become an impossible task. Listening was clearly out of the question for Dalila, who had just learned that Heather—her roommate who had lived with her for six months—was bisexual.When Heather said this to her, Dalila was confused and embarrassed, and she was even a little angry at the same time.At this moment, instead of pretending to listen, it was better for Dalila to speak directly.In order for her to be honest in the conversation, Dalila should first be honest about her thoughts and feelings: "I'm glad you can trust me with this, and I really want to do it." A good listener. At the same time, this news has left me feeling a bit overwhelmed. I feel terrible, and now, with you, I am overwhelmed. This news is such a shock. " So Dalila and Heather had a somewhat difficult conversation on the topic. Not only did they each have a lot of strong emotions to sort out and express, but they also had very different views on sexual orientation. .Listening is a vital skill for either of them when they're talking about their friendship and how they're going to handle future living together.During this time, it is sometimes necessary for them to speak out about their feelings and opinions in order to be able to listen peacefully. When you find yourself in a similar situation, you should let the other person know that you really want to hear what they have to say, and that you care about what they have to say, but you can't listen now.Usually, it's enough to simply tell the other person what you think. "I'm really surprised to hear you say that. I don't think I can agree with you, but you might as well say a little more about your approach or perspective on this matter" or "I have to admit that although I really want to hear what you have to say from the bottom of your heart, but, equally, I feel that your words violate me."When you express your inner voice, you can calm down and listen again, because you know that you have expressed your different positions or opinions, and you can also re-discuss your views when the time is right. In some cases, you may decide differently - neither to listen nor to speak.Maybe it's because you're just too frustrated, or confused, or because you need to deal with something else right away, but that's it.Instead of listening distractedly, tell the other person "This is very important to me, and I'd love to talk to you about it sometime, but I can't right now." Managing your inner voice is no easy task, especially if you're new to it.But remember, it's at the heart of great listening. Your inner posture makes all the difference in how well you listen, and here are some techniques you can use for yourself, as well as ways to help people manage their inner posture.In addition to keeping curiosity young, a good listener usually masters three basic skills: questioning, explaining, and identifying.Here are some do's and don'ts related to it. The title of this section says it all succinctly: Asking to Know.The only purpose is to get to know each other.If you want to test whether the question you ask will make the conversation go further, or will it only encourage the seedlings, you only need to think about why you are asking this question, and everything will be clear at a glance.For the only correct answer to this question is "to understand." As children, we often ask questions knowingly.Sitting in the car, we would ask Mom and Dad are we there yet? "You know that you didn't arrive at the destination, and your parents also know that you understand this truth, so they will answer your question with the same knowing tone as you. In fact, what you said It means "I feel so bumpy" or "I wish we were here now" or "This journey is too long for me". No matter what you say, there is a chance Get a more meaningful answer from Mom and Dad. It also confirmed to us that questioning plays an important role in conversation: if you don't have a question, don't ask questions about it.Don't present your claim as a problem.Doing so will only confuse and invite hostility from the other person, because such questions will sound ironic and sometimes mean to the other person.Now, let's look at several claims made under the guise of questions: "Are you going to leave the refrigerator door wide open?" (Substitute "Please keep the refrigerator door closed" or "I get upset every time you leave the refrigerator door wide open.") "Can you pay attention to me, just once?" (Replace it with "I don't think you're paying attention at all" or "I wish you could pay more attention to me.") "Do you really have to drive fast?" (Substitute "I feel tense" or "I can't relax when I feel like I'm completely out of control.") From the examples above, you can see that these claims disguised as questions are either about emotions or requests.This shouldn't surprise you.For many of us, sharing emotions and making requests are the two things that give us the most headaches.They make us feel like a target to be aimed at and attacked.Whenever we can take the initiative and turn what we have to say into an offensive weapon—a question with irony—we feel more secure.However, this sense of security is nothing but our fantasy. In fact, doing so will only make us lose more than we gain.Compared with "Can you pay attention to me, just once", "I hope you can pay more attention to me" is obviously more likely to bring you and the other party into a healthy conversation.At the same time, this will also lead to a result that satisfies both parties. Why is this so?Because when you choose the former, the focus of the other party's listening will naturally focus on your irony and attacks on him, thus ignoring your emotions or requests hidden behind the words.They won't hear your story about loneliness and will just take it out of context and think you're accusing them of carelessness and indifference to other people's feelings.The other side won't get the message you want because they're all focused on defending themselves.In fact, their response is likely to be something like, "Okay, no problem, I can follow you, just once." And from there, the conversation goes off the rails and things start to go bad. The second mistake we tend to make is to use questions to cross-examine the other party and use it to attack the other party's point of view.Like the first mistake, it's like shooting yourself in the foot by saying, "You seem to think it's my fault. However, you must agree that you make more mistakes than I do, don't you?" ?” "If you say you've done your best with the proportions, how do you explain why Kate finished the job so quickly after you gave up?" From the outset, these questions have been on the wrong footing.Their purpose is to convince the other person—that you are right and they are wrong—not to try to understand the other person. To be able to use the ideas in these questions properly and effectively, you should extract the claims hidden in the questions and then express them-but only as your own claims, not facts.In this process, instead of affirming your claims with certain words, you can treat them as open questions or opinions, share them with the other party, discuss them, and then understand the other party's reaction to them.Rather than thinking that the other person is ignoring your point of view, tell yourself that they've thought about it and told a different version of the story for their own reasons.For example, you could say, "I understand that you feel like you did your best with the ratio. It just seems to me that there seems to be a contradiction between what you said and the fact that, after all, Kate Finished the job very quickly after taking over your job. What do you think?" Open-ended, unrestricted questions are those that can be answered by the respondent from any angle and in any way without any restrictions.Answers to this kind of question can provide us with richer information or more meaningful answer ideas than closed "yes/no" questions. For example, you can use the question "What are you going to do?" Instead of "Are you going to do A or B?"In this way, not only can you eliminate the bias hidden in your answer to the question, but the other party will not be distracted from answering the question by trying to understand your point of view.They can answer questions directly according to their own needs. Variations of the sentences "Tell me more" and "Help me better understand..." are typical open-ended, unrestricted questions. Let's take a look at what happened between Rose and his boss.Ross receives a promotional piece about a career seminar, and he's tempted.As a production manager, Ross knows that attending this kind of seminar will definitely benefit his future work, so he feels that if he asks his boss for leave to attend the seminar and applies for the company to pay all the expenses, he will definitely be able to do so. Get support and approval from your boss. However, he was wrong.The conversation between him and his boss goes like this: It's not hard to see why this conversation failed to produce anything.We don't see any exchange of information at all other than "yes" and "no".Essentially, what Rose's boss was saying was "I don't think you're serving the company wholeheartedly, but I'm not going to tell you why I feel that way".Unfortunately, Ross didn't ask the question either. After training and mentoring, Ross spoke to his boss again about the topic, but this time, he asked questions about more specific information: In the end, Rose's conversation with his boss yielded some real progress.At the end of the conversation, they finally understood why the two sides had different evaluations of Ross's loyalty to the company, and this was indeed a very important message for Ross. In fact, each layer of conversation provides ample topics for our curiosity: ●Can you talk more about your views on this matter? ●What information do you know that I don't? ● How do you look at it from different angles? ● How did my actions affect you? ●Can you talk a little more about why you think I'm smart? ●Is it because of something I did that you reacted like this? ●How do you feel about this? ●Talk about why this is important to you. If the answer to the question is not clear, then you keep digging until you have it all figured out.If necessary, you can frankly state what you are not clear about, or what is inconsistent, and seek a clear answer from the other party. Okay, so your point of view is that the reason why Kate was able to formulate the ratio is that Because she proposed a lower price in the service contract.One thing still baffles me though: If so, why can't you do this, or apply for a lower price?Can you talk about why you do this? " Sometimes, even your well-crafted questions don't rule out the possibility of triggering the other person's self-defense.On the basis of fully considering the position of the other party, you raised a question with the goal of learning, but in the end you were rejected, defended, and counterattacked by the other party. The other party accused you of bad intentions or deliberately changed the subject. One of the reasons for this is that you tell the person that you're doing this to help him, so he doesn't need to resist at all, and then you go on with your question and ask the person to answer it.However, it may not occur to you that the other party may feel that your intention is to control them, so it is not surprising that your behavior will arouse their persistent resistance.Therefore, at this time, it is better for you to invite the other party to answer your questions, rather than forcefully ask, and you must make this clear.The difference between an invitation and a request is that there is no penalty for responding to or declining an invitation, whereas refusing a request does not.Therefore, an invitation can give people a fuller sense of security, especially when the other party does not want to make any response. If he finds that this move does not make you unhappy, his sense of trust in you will increase sharply. Whether you're talking to your boss or your eight-year-old daughter, giving them the choice to answer your questions will not only greatly increase their likelihood of answering, but also They respond more honestly.Even if they don't answer right away, when they think it over, they may come up with an answer that you're satisfied with.When you know that the decision to answer questions lies with the other party rather than yourself, you can think more deeply about the issues you care about, and the other party will gain more freedom and space to think about your questions-truly killing two birds with one stone. As a good listener, the second skill he uses in conversation is interpretation.Interpretation means that you use your own words to express your understanding of the other party's words and inform the other party.Interpretation has two very important functions. First, you can test whether your understanding is correct by explaining it.In a difficult conversation, if the two parties have a misunderstanding on an important issue, the original difficult conversation will often become more difficult.At the same time, the frequency and scope of "misunderstandings" are often higher and wider than we imagined.Interpretation just provides an opportunity for both parties to clear up misunderstandings, so that one of them can say no, I didn't mean that.I mean……" Second, paraphrasing lets the other person know that you heard what they had to say.Often, people repeat themselves in conversation simply because they cannot be sure that the other person has heard what they have said.If you notice that the other person is repeating the same words over and over again, take that as a signal, a signal that tells you that it's time for interpretation again.When the other person feels that you heard them, they will be more willing to listen to you.Instead of dwelling on their inner voice, they will turn their attention to what you have to say. Now, let's look at a conversation between the couple, Rachel and Ron, about the Sabbath.Previously, the couple had fought back and forth over how to enforce Shabbat (Jewish Sabbath) traditions and restrictions, and how strict they should be: In this conversation, whether it was Rachel or Ron, they felt that the other party didn't listen to themselves at all.If they want to break out of this meaningless cycle of conversation, one of them has to stop, listen, and explain.Let's assume this person is Ron. Ron: I've told Chris I'll be at his place tomorrow. Rachel: Ron, tomorrow is the Sabbath.You can't drive to see Chris on the Sabbath, you know that.And, tomorrow morning, we have to go to church. Ron: It sounds like I've disappointed you with my plans. Rachel: How can you not be disappointed?I always thought you would come with me. Ron: So, part of your disappointment is that I didn't consult you before I made the plan, did I? Rachel: No, that's not the only reason I'm angry, I actually hate the role I'm playing now - always nagging you in front of you, telling you to go on a pilgrimage. Ron: You think it's because of me that you have to deal with our beliefs? Rachel: Yes.I feel like a Sabbath cop, and I hate it.Also, I'm worried that it's sending a bad message to the kids. Ron: So you're worried that if we both don't keep the Sabbath, the kids might take it lightly? Rachel: Yeah, but that's not the whole story.I always feel lonely when I go on a pilgrimage alone.The reason I want you to come with me is because I know you want to go too, you didn't go because I told you to. Ron: I can see what you mean by loneliness.I really want to go myself.However, sometimes, when I feel that someone is forcing me to go on a pilgrimage, I will be very resistant. In fact, this is because I don't like people telling me what to do, and, sometimes, I also feel that I am completely guided by a spirit in doing so. Rachel (skeptical): Like? Ron: Like I helped Chris.Right now, his married life is in trouble, and I want to spend some more time with him through this difficult time.Doing so makes me feel like I have a strong connection with the people around me, and, in my opinion, it's part of my duty as a churchgoer.In addition, I also hope to lead by example, so that children understand that they should care about others.Maybe, we can talk to them too. Rachel: Yeah, that might help... Ron: But, in that case, I may not be able to go on a pilgrimage with you. I am worried, will you feel that I have left the responsibility of the family to you again?Can you tell me your opinion? ... This time, Rachel and Ron managed to get something out of a complex and emotionally charged conversation.Ron's explanation lets Rachel know that he is trying to understand her and that he cares about her feelings.This time, he stopped repeating himself, and she began to listen to him. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but in the conversation above, Ron’s first response wasn’t to Rachel’s words, but to what she hadn’t said: she was upset.Emotions always crave approval, and this is a fundamental law of communication.Emotions are like some free radicals. When we start a conversation, they will always hang around the topic, waiting for the other party's approval, and then they can settle down.Except for recognition, there is no way to calm down the restless emotions.如果得不到认同，不满的情绪就会四处出击，给我们的谈话惹麻烦——这就好比一个渴望得到大人注意的小孩，既有可能闯祸，也有可能给大人帮忙。如果你认同了对方的情绪，那么，你在为这些情绪提供了休憩的港湾的同时，也给了对方以及你们之间的关系一件十分珍贵的礼物，而这件礼物有可能会成为他们能够从你这儿得到的惟一一样东西。 为什么认同情绪会如此的重要？因为每一种表达出来的情绪背后都藏有一系列隐形的问题——“你能接受我的这些情绪吗？”“你能理解它们吗？”“你在乎它们吗？”“你在乎我吗？”这些问题都很重要。除非我们知道它们的答案，不然，我们就无法推动谈话取得进一步进展。这时，认同对方的情绪无异于用一种洪亮清晰的声音告诉对方：问题的答案我知道，我的回答是肯定的！ 认同情绪其实很简单，即暗示或明示对方你正在努力地了解对方话语中所隐含的情绪。如果对方说“你的谎言让我感到很困惑”，你也许会回答说： 好吧，这样的事情不会再发生了。 我应当说清楚，我并没有撒谎。 听起来，你的反应似乎有点过激了。 在你看来，这三个答案似乎都没什么问题。前面两个答案针对对方所说的内容做出了回答，而第三个则是对对方情绪的一种判定。然而，三个答案中却没有一个对对方的情绪表示了认同，或者说回应了情绪背后所隐藏的问题。与之相反，以下几种回答方式恰好对情绪表示了认同： 听起来，这似乎让你感到很烦恼。 这似乎对你很重要。 如果我是你，我也可能会感到困惑。 其实，对于这一类问题，并没有所谓最完美的回答方式。事实上，你也许根本就无需开口。有时候，当你想向对方表示认同时，只需一个简单的点头动作，或是凝视对方就已经足够了。 当然，人们最终的目的是为了谈论并解决矛盾。所以，诸如“我们该怎么做呢？”“你为什么要这样做呢？”“对于发生的一切，你有何解释？”之类的问题固然很重要。然而，做事的先后顺序也很关键。无论他们是否曾有过明确的表示，在人们转向“发生了什么”对话之前，他们通常都需要先获得对方的认同。 在处理高难度谈话时，我们往往会本着尽快结束战斗的愿望，直接切入谈话的核心——解决问题，从而忽视了认同情绪这一关键步骤，而这样做的结果往往印证了那句话：欲速则不达。你的丈夫对你说“你工作实在是太卖力了。我几乎就没在家里见到过你”。你意识到丈夫说的是事实，回答说“好吧，下个月，我的工作就会轻松很多了，我保证，每天下午六点我一定尽量赶回家”。可是，你的丈夫似乎还不满意，于是，你感到有些困惑：除此以外，我还能说些什么呢？ 丈夫抱怨的并不是一个简单的数学问题。你也许认为你已经“解决了”问题，可事实上，从丈夫的角度来说，他仍然有一些未说出口的问题尚未得到解答，他需要的是你对他情绪的一种认同。所以，“对你而言，在过去的几个月当中，你过得并不轻松，对吗？”或是“听起来，你似乎觉得被我拋弃了？”这样的回答才更能激起他情感上的共鸣，解决问题固然重要，但是现在却不是时候。 关于“认同”，人们最关心的一个问题莫过于：如果我并不赞同对方所说的话，那我怎么认同他？这是一个十分重要的问题。这时，区分情绪对话与“发生了什么”对话之间的差异就显得非常有必要了。你也许并不赞同对方话语中的实质性内容，但是，你仍然可以认同他话语中所隐含的情绪的重要性。 例如，当主管将她的一名下属调至另一个部门后，下属来到了她的办公室，向她抱怨这次的调职。请注意，在接下来的谈话中，主管认同了下属的感受，却并未对他的观点表示赞同。 下属：我一直都很卖力地为你工作，可是，现在你却想把我一脚踢开？It's not fair.我一直都很忠实于我们的团队，但現在，这样不公平的事情竟然也在我身上发生了？ 主管：听起来，你似乎觉得自己受到了伤害，你认为，有人出卖了你，对吗？对此，我完全可以理解，而我也很明白你为什么会感到如此愤慨。 下属：所以，你也认为这对我很不公平，是吧？ 主管：我说的是，我能够明白你为何会如此愤慨，而看到你这样，我也觉得有些难过。我想，我完全能够明白你为什么会觉得这次调职对你而言是件很不公平的事，我也能够理解你为什么会觉得是我无視于你的忠诚而背叛了你。这些因素我全都考虑过，也正因为如此，我才会觉得将你调离目前的岗位的确是一个异常艰难的决定。在做出这一决定前，我也曾有过激烈的思想斗争。現在，看到你对这一决定的反应，我也确实感到有些难过，可是，我很清楚这个决定本身是正确的，而我并不认为它有任何不公平之处。至于为何你会认为这很不公平，我想，我们应该好好地谈一谈。 区分认同和赞同，这的确需要一定的思考，可是，这样的思考却真的能让我们受益匪浅。 很多时候，我们常常会认为，面对他人，我们要么赞同，要么反对，再无其他选择。事实上，我们完全有第三种选择：一边认同对方情绪的作用和重要性，一边对他们所说的话提出异议。 最深入了解他人的形式就是情感交流。情感交流是一个复杂的过程，其间，我们了解对方的视角将会逐渐由外及内，从简单的对其外在表象的观察转化为从其内在角度出发，深入想象其内心感受，体验其过往经历和背景，最后实现通过对方的眼睛来看世界。 当你倾情聆听对方的讲述时，你便好比开始了一次旅行，而对方的话语将为你指引前行的方向，只不过，这将会是一场没有终点的旅行。你永远都无法“抵达”旅途的终点。你永远都不能说“我真的很懂你”。对我们而言，“懂你”所包含的意义实在是太过复杂，而我们进入对方世界，幻想其生活的技巧又实在很有限，所以，几乎没有人能够真正理解他人。不过，从某种意义上来说，这也不失为一个好消息。心理学家发现，与相信对方已经彻底了解自己相比，更能吸引我们兴趣和注意力的是他人正试图与我们建立情感交流——他们愿意花时间和精力去了解我们的感受和观点。正如我们之前已经说过的，成功的聆听其实在很大程度上也是一个交流的过程，其间，双方都需要努力地传递并理解那些最具积极效应的信息。