Chapter 12 Chapter 8 Starting the Conversation: Beginning with the Third Story

There is no more stressful moment in a difficult conversation than the beginning.In the first few seconds of a conversation, we might learn that we have bad news, or that the other person has a completely different point of view on a matter, or that our expectations may be dashed.The person may be angry, upset by it, or we may find that they don't want to talk to us at all. However, although everything is difficult at the beginning, in a difficult conversation, the seemingly dangerous beginning actually contains many opportunities.You can seize this great opportunity and make good use of it to influence the general direction of the conversation.Of course, you can take a one-sided approach and give yourself the upper hand in the conversation; all of us do that, but we can also choose other ways.Everything you say at the beginning of the conversation will have a profound impact on how both parties understand and resolve the issue later.There are a few techniques that, if mastered, will not only allow you to make the most of opening opportunities and lay a solid foundation for a conversation, but you'll also understand some simple principles of why the way you opened before gave you so much annoyance and frustration. trouble.

So how do we initiate a conversation?Before answering this question, let's look at how not to talk. Anyway, if we want to have a conversation, first, we all have to say something.So we do what our swimming instructors told us when we were kids: close our eyes, take a deep breath, and jump in. If you don't obey your father's will, the family will be broken. What you said in front of our supervisor is really depressing. Our son Nansen is not popular in class - he is so disruptive and likes to argue with his classmates.You used to say that everything at home would be fine, but you see, he must be troubled by family matters.

Until we understand it, it may just be overwhelmingly confusing.After listening to our words, the other party felt hurt and a little angry, while we entered a state of defensive alert, all previous efforts were thrown into the sky, so we began to think, why did we feel that the conversation would be a problem in the first place? Not a bad idea? Long before we jump into the conversation, we begin to weave our own stories in our minds. We describe the problem from our own perceptions and perspectives, and from this we derive the reactions we wish to avoid.Our starting point is precisely the source of the contradiction in the eyes of the other party.If they could agree with our story in the first place, maybe we wouldn't need to talk at all.The stories we tell act like little trumpets, telling them to stand up or fight back.

Our stories (though mostly unintentionally) express nothing more than judgments about them—what kind of people they are—and the fact that, in our version of the story, they are the problem.Saying something like this simple opening line immediately reveals what's really going on inside of us.Let's take a look at the opening sentences above) We can even imagine worse opening remarks than this, but, through the above analysis, it is not difficult to see why these words can arouse the resistance of the other party.From the beginning, we used each other's cognitive dialogue as a rake, and we never intended to accept each other's stories.Naturally, the other side would reject our version of the story and be eager to tell theirs, "I'm not trying to divide the family, I'm just trying to uphold my father's wishes." or "Nansen is not a problem child. Those Anyone who knows how to treat children can tell at a glance that he is a very sweet little boy."

On the one hand, we ignore each other's stories, and on the other hand, we try to find a balance between our versions of the story and how we feel. So the question is, if not, how are we going to do it?Here are two powerful openings that you can use to steer the conversation in the right direction: the first, to lead the conversation from the "third story"; Invite them to join in the discussion of the matter. In addition to the story of you and the other party, there is actually a third invisible story hidden in every difficult conversation.The third story is told by a neutral outsider with keen observation.For example, in a bicycle and car race on city streets, the third story should be written by the municipal planner—someone who understands the stakes and the strengths and weaknesses of the various competitors— the story told.When a marriage relationship turns red, the third storyteller should be a marriage counselor.When conflicts arise between friends, the third story should be provided by another friend who can speak from both sides and care about both.

Whether it's a municipal planner, a marriage counselor, or a neutral friend, they all have one thing in common, which is that they can use their status as a neutral party - or arbitrator - to come up with an objective and fair story .As a third party, the arbitrator can help people resolve problems.Unlike judges and prosecutors, arbitrators do not have the power to implement solutions; they can only help and coordinate conflicting parties to communicate more effectively and explore possible conflict resolution methods. One of the most effective tools an arbitrator has is their ability to discover a third story hidden behind the facade.This means that his description of the contradiction must be recognized by both sides.It's not that hard to get one side to agree with our description of a conflict—in fact, it's the very first step we take when we begin to construct our own stories in our minds.So the trick to telling the third story is to get two people who have different views on the matter to accept the same version of the story about it.

Arbiters are human beings, and they can do it not because they have some magical intuition, but because they have mastered a set of rules (and practiced it a lot), and anyone can master it if you want This set of rules.As a third storyteller, you don't have to be an unbiased third party.You can start telling a story in such a way. The point is to describe the gap, or difference, between your story and the other person's story.No matter what you think and feel, you can at least accept the fact that you and the other person see things differently.Let's see the example below. Jason's roommate, Jill, always piled dirty dishes in the sink and left them unwashed for a long time.This annoyed Jensen, and it meant he had to do most of the cleaning, since he couldn't stand the idea of ​​piling up dirty dishes in the sink.In the past, Jensen has posed this question to Jill, "Do I have to do all the work here? You can't let the dirty dishes pile up—it's putting our health at risk."

Obviously, the story Jensen tells is entirely from his own point of view.Naturally, such an opening statement cannot impress Jill, and Jill is likely to resist or fight back because of this.Even if Jensen started the conversation in a more tactful, suggestion-like manner, the situation wouldn't have gotten any better. "Jill, we need to talk about doing the dishes." Mild or not, that's just his family line. If Jill had started the conversation, she would have taken a completely different approach than Jason: "Jason, I think we should talk. I noticed that you seemed extra nervous about doing the dishes. Last night." , I haven't finished eating, and you cleared the table. You need to relax." Of course, this story is not suitable for Jason.

The focus of the third story will shift from evaluation to description, so the difference in perspective between Jason and Jill becomes the focus of describing the contradiction.The story might go something like this: "Jason and Jill have different lifestyle habits, so they have different understandings and opinions about when to wash dishes, what is tidiness, and what is cleanliness. Because of this, they often feel offended by the other's behavior." This is how an arbitrator, or friend with a neutral point of view, describes a conflict.Both Jensen and Jill would agree with this statement.

Clearly, there is a difference in perspective, and in the third story, you can't find any judgments about which of the two views is right or wrong, or even whose view is more common.In the third story, all you can find are differences.This is why both sides of the conflict are willing to accept this version of the story: Both parties feel that their stories have been validated, and the conversation can be built around it. Once you discover this, you can allow the conversation to move on to the third story.So, Jensen might say to Jill, we don't seem to have the same idea about washing dishes and when.I thought, can we talk about that? That way, Jensen can continue the conversation without sacrificing his point of view (soon, he can ask Jill for his opinion on it before telling his own story), which Jill will naturally embrace. request without any resistance or defensiveness.

Best of all, you don't have to know or feel guilty about starting a conversation this way.All you need to do is acknowledge that there is much more you need to know about their perceptions, and that you initiated the conversation to learn more about their perspective on it.You can start the conversation with a third story: "I feel that I see this situation differently than you do. I would like to share my perspective with you, and I would also like to hear your thoughts on this matter." If you don't obey your father's will, the family will be broken. I want to talk to you about my father's will.Obviously, you and I have a different understanding of what a father thinks, and what we think of as "fair" is different.I want to know what made you think that way, and I want to share my thoughts and feelings with you.Also, just thinking about the negative impact on the family if this matter goes to court scares me.I think you probably do the same... What you said in front of our supervisor is really depressing. I want to talk to you about what happened in our morning meeting.Some things you said really upset me.I wanted to let you know what was bugging me, and to hear your thoughts on the matter. Our son Nansen is not popular in class - he is so disruptive and likes to argue with his classmates.You used to say that everything would be fine at home, but you see, he must be troubled by something. I want you to know that I am concerned about Nansen's behavior in school, and I want to hear your thoughts: What do you think caused this to happen?I know that in previous conversations, you and I have expressed different views on this matter.I think if a kid doesn't do well in school it's usually because something is bothering him at home, and I know you don't think so in this case.Perhaps, together, we can find out what caused Nansen's poor behavior and at the same time find a way to fix it. Most conversations can start with a third story, which covers both sides of the story and allows both sides to feel comfortable joining the conversation.Take the previous opening remarks as an example, if both sides can start from the third story at the beginning, what will happen? Putting your story aside for a while doesn't mean you need to give up your point of view.The purpose of initiating a conversation is to invite the other party to join in the discussion on this matter.In the process of discussing the matter with the other party, you will learn about the perceptions and opinions of both parties, and then you will adjust your own views based on this new information that you have just acquired. You and your brother had a conversation about dividing your father's estate, and you expressed your feelings about it.During the conversation, the above ideas unconsciously occupy your mind, and your definition of "fairness" changes.Perhaps, your brother's views have also changed.So you may be able to find a just solution. Or, the two of you still can't agree.You think that you three brothers and sisters should share the inheritance equally.The younger brother thinks that what the father meant was to divide the inheritance into seven equal parts according to the number of grandchildren-so that, with three children, he can get more inheritance, while you and your only daughter can only get one. get a copy.Even though you didn't ultimately agree on the substance of the conflict, it gave both of you an opportunity to express how you felt—upset, sad, worried—and at the same time gain a better understanding of why the other was acting the way you did. idea.In this way, you can both eliminate your differences and protect your ties from being broken by inheritance disputes.Even when we disagree with others, if we can keep the line of communication open and understand the feelings and perceptions of both parties, we can also let the other party know that we care about them.Although my brother and I may not agree and send the will to an arbitrator or probate court, one thing is clear to both of us: we will continue to communicate with each other until the issue is resolved satisfactorily.If there are no other contradictions "interfering", you can even better distinguish the substantive differences from the family relationship that is extremely important to you, so as to successfully free the family relationship from the negative influence of inheritance disputes. Of course, you don't always get the chance to speak first.Sometimes, tough conversations will suddenly drop in front of you—in your office, or on your doorstep—whether you're ready for it or not. When you are not the conversation starter, you can also follow the third story principle to continue the conversation.Here's what you can do: remember what the other person said, and use them as part of the story description for their part of the third story.Starting your conversation with their story doesn't mean you're off track, since their story should have been included in the third story. In the example above, if Jill finds Jason first, say let's talk.You know, last night, because of your cleanliness, I didn't even eat well. "Hearing this, Jason will naturally start from the perspective of self-defense, what is he thinking? You are the root of that problem! I have never seen anyone as lazy as you!" But if he really said that, It's tantamount to killing the conversation completely. In fact, Jensen could have considered Jill's opening remarks as part of his own third story.He can say something like: "It sounds like you don't like the way I handle the dishes. In fact, I don't appreciate the way you handle the dishes, so I think we have completely different ways of washing dishes." view. Perhaps, if we could talk about it, that would seem like a good idea..." In doing so, Jensen not only acknowledged the importance of Jill's story in the conversation, but also added his own View.With this small shift, Jensen has successfully shifted the purpose of the conversation from argument to understanding. In a conversation, the second step to getting off to a good start is a simple invitation: I've framed the issue in a way that we both can relate to.Now, I want you to talk to me, and the purpose of our conversation is to get to know each other better, so as to solve the problem, what do you think? Before the other party decides whether to accept your invitation, they must know what their decision is for.Therefore, you should first let them know that your purpose of initiating the conversation is to better understand their perception of the matter, and at the same time let them understand your point of view, and then you can discuss together how to make the conversation move forward in great strides, and It's not about threatening both sides with a veil of mystery.When the other person knows that their point of view has a place in the conversation, and that you are not trying to change their point of view through the conversation, they are much more likely to accept the conversation invitation. Of course, since it is an invitation, it may be rejected.No one can force another to join the conversation.If you make the other person think that you are "describing the problem and explaining the purpose of your conversation in this way", even your well-planned opening statement is likely to be rejected because it is only your third story.So, what you send out should be an open-ended conversation invitation that is open to their revisions. Therefore, you should aim your conversation to "provide and explore a possible description of the problem and purpose."In other words, the task of the conversation—describing the problem and setting goals—should be a joint effort by both parties. If you can get the other person to take on a more seductive role in the problem-solving conversation, they will be much more likely to accept your invitation to talk.You have to get rid of the idea that they are the "problem" and you can't put them in a halo of "unwelcome" because doing so will blow up their self-awareness dialogue and turn the conversation into a cold war.For example, in a stalled contract negotiation, I can see that we have different views on the meaning of salary when you say this. ’ So far so good, but if at this point you add something like: “Given your junior experience in this area, I can tell you some common ways to solve this problem. "—you treat them like novices—all previous efforts will be wasted in an instant. If accepting your invitation means the other person has to admit that they are childish, ruthless, controlling, or inadequate or obnoxious, they will be less willing to accept the invitation.However, if you say, "You can help me figure out..." you're offering the invitation as well as a consultant: "Let's see how..." Think of the other person as a partner; and when you say "I wonder if this could be..." you're not only handing over the challenge to the other person, but you're giving him a chance to be a possible hero. The persona or identity you offer the other person has to be a genuine, heartfelt act.However, you can't take it for granted that your original description of the problem—for example, your story about the other person as the culprit of everything—is more real and reflective of who you are than other characters you can find for them idea.If you want to redefine the other person's role, you have to realize that if you're going to get more information about this—and make it happen—you're going to need their help. Sometimes the best way to make the other person feel the sincerity of your invitation is to share your inner struggle about how to define them.You can say that in my head, I always feel that things are going to be like this, all because of your indiscretion and lack of meticulousness.However, I also know that on some levels, this evaluation is unfair to you, so I need your help, I hope you can help me understand the whole thing more thoroughly, and what you are doing position and point of view on the matter. ’ It’s an honest confession, but at the same time it lets them know that you see them as “someone who can help me get to the bottom of things.” Here, there is no contradiction between what we say about persistence and the previous advice about inviting rather than forcing.In fact, it does take a certain amount of time and effort to get the other person to figure out what you want. Ruth plans to talk to her ex-husband about his visit to daughter Alexandra.In the past, such conversations between them have often ended in quarrels.This time, Ruth tried to start the conversation with the third story and came up with some helpful conversation goals.But even so, for her ex-husband to fully understand what she meant, Ruth still needed some communication with him. Ruth: Brian, it seems to me that neither of us has articulated what we mean by your visit to Alexandra. Brian: I know, I know.I apologize, okay?There was a major accident on the shop floor, and I've been in meetings and busy with it. Ruth: I understand that there are always unexpected things that happen.I came to talk to you today just to get a little more insight into the whole thing.In the past few months, we have made many plans regarding your visit to Alexandra, and these plans have finally been confirmed by you. However, not long after, I learned that you It is believed that those plans do not have to be carried out.From your point of view, our plan is that if you can walk away, you come to see her. Brian: I said so.If I can walk away, I will. Ruth: Look, I think our plan is pretty clear—no matter what happens, you'll come.So, in this way, we both misunderstood each other.Today, I want to address this issue, because any misunderstanding we have about this has the potential to hurt Alexandra.Can we take a moment to talk about this?Brian: Of course.I don't want to hurt Alexandra... Notice that at first, Brian didn't buy into what Ruth had said, or perhaps he didn't even understand his ex-wife's description of the problem and her purpose for the conversation at all.He had expected Ruth to yell at him for breaking his promise, and he was already prepared for the attack.Ruth, however, does a great job of opening the opening, not only by being persistent, but by responding correctly to Brian's reaction. As for how to start a difficult conversation from the third story, in addition to the general suggestions above, we will give some more detailed and specific suggestions for specific conversation scenarios that you can expect. As we mentioned in Chapter 2, even when you deliver bad news to someone, you shouldn't think of it as a "one word", but as a whole conversation, and it's best to cut to the point, never Trying to talk about him both ways, for example, by saying, "So, how do you feel about our relationship" when you really mean to say, "I'm breaking up with you."Also, don't spend two hours talking about all the "things" that happened between you if you were planning to break up from the start. If you want to tell your parents that you and your family will not be coming back for Christmas, you can say something like: "We've both talked a lot about this Christmas break and we know it's important for you that we go back for Christmas. However, at the same time, this is not an easy decision for us, either financially or emotionally. Today, I am calling to tell you that Juan and I are passing through After repeated discussions, we decided not to go back this year, but to spend Christmas here with our children. It was hard for us to make this difficult decision, because I really don’t want to let you down. I want to tell you about this decision as soon as possible. You guys, so, if you want, you might as well say what you think about it, and then we can talk again." That doesn't mean, though, that when you have both good and bad news to announce, you have to start the conversation with the bad news.You should understand one thing: you have both good news and bad news, and the order of conversation should not be "good" and "bad", but which news is more acceptable to the audience.Alternatively, you can start the conversation in the logical order listed below. In some difficult conversations, the focus is actually our desire for something.One of the most common examples is asking for a promotion.As employees, how should we develop this topic? "I don't know if it's okay to say...?" The simplest advice for making a request is this: Don't let a request become a request.Specifically, you can invite the other person to join in the discussion on this topic: Is the promotion fair and does it make sense?However, please note that our advice is not to ask you to beg in a low voice, but to give you a more thorough understanding of the reality before making a request.As your boss, your boss naturally has information that you and your colleagues don't.Perhaps, these messages from the boss may sound a bit critical, but the fact is right in front of you: Before you discuss the promotion with your boss, you have no way of knowing what the boss thinks about it, and you have no way of knowing whether you are It is worth promoting. Perhaps, you know this to some degree, and in fact, it's one of the main reasons you feel anxious about getting a promotion.If so, you might try replacing the opening line "I think I deserve a promotion" with "I want to talk to you about my promotion. As far as I know, I deserve a promotion." (This is my reason) but I was wondering what you think about that?" With this seemingly small variation when you say the latter opening, you can not only successfully relieve the pressure on both sides, but also make the The conversation proceeded smoothly.In the end, you may learn that you are not eligible for a promotion, or you may be pleasantly surprised to learn that you have a higher chance of being promoted than you thought possible. Sometimes, even before the conversation begins, you know that once you bring up that particularly sensitive topic, the other person may react immediately negatively or negatively.Let’s say your son doesn’t want to talk to you about his grades; your wife doesn’t want to talk about any family finances; and your co-workers roll their eyes at you whenever you raise any issues related to racism in your department. Or show a look of disdain.You know that bringing up old things will only make the other party hate or reject you, but when you are faced with these "old topics", how can you keep the conversation going and achieve constructive results? The easiest way to do this is to start by talking about how you talk.Take "the way things went when we talked" as the problem, and frame that problem from the perspective of a third storyline I know that in the past, whenever I've brought up the role of race in the promotion process People tend to think I'm insinuating or getting annoyed by it when I ask this question.Actually, it never occurred to me to point fingers at anyone, and I didn't mean to embarrass people.For me, I think this is a very important and worthy of discussion.So, I'm wondering if we can talk about how people react to this topic?Also, can we find a better way to talk about this topic? " Or, imagine a scenario in which, in your opinion, a friend of yours is suffering from a decline in health largely because of her overworked workload, but she doesn't see it that way.Whenever you try to talk to her about it, she puts on an air of resolute resistance, so maybe you can start by discussing the way you communicate and start a conversation. I understand that you don't like to talk. Any topic related to your work schedule, at least, I know, you are not very satisfied with the way I talked before.But the problem with me is that I'm really worried about you, and I really want you to know why I'm worried, and I hope it helps you.However, now it seems that I don't know what to tell you, so I was wondering if you have any good advice on this? " After hearing what you said, your friend may still insist that this is none of your business, but she may also accept your invitation to talk because of it, you know?Actually, I more or less agree with you.However, too many people have come to me on this issue, and they tried to convince me from various angles.Facing this kind of fatigue bombardment, I am really tired.What I really need now is a friend who is willing to support me, not a bystander who tells me what to do and gives me so-called opinions.As I think through the whole thing carefully and make a decision, I hope you will listen quietly and listen to me.do you understand me? " If you compare the completion of a difficult conversation to climbing a mountain, then starting the conversation from the third story will ensure that you reach the foot of the mountain very safely. However, your goal is to climb the mountain, and this is only the foot of the mountain.Now that the problem has been identified and your goal is clear, what you need to do next is to discuss the three layers of dialogue from your perspective and the other person's perspective.The other person will tell you their point of view and feelings, and you will return to your own story and share your views and feelings with them. "My current reaction is likely to be quite closely related to my past work experience..." "I don't know if you want to do this on purpose, but... I really feel very uncomfortable." "I did a lot of things I shouldn't have done and made things worse..." "I'm anxious to bring this up, but at the same time, it's really important to me that we can talk about this openly and honestly..." "I think the reason why I am so persistent in this matter is entirely because I don't want to think of myself as that kind of person!" When you tell your story to someone, it doesn't matter which of the three layers you start with.You can talk about those experiences in the past to let the other person know that the reason why you both see the current situation differently is because of the past experience: "I think I feel so strongly about this." The reaction is completely influenced by the last time the buyer didn't pay, and I fear it's going to get worse." You can also probe into the other person's intentions and be honest about the impact of their actions on you: "I don't know if you're aware of this, but I'm going crazy because I didn't hear from you .” Alternatively, you can focus on the other person’s feelings: “If I were you, I would be very upset.” Or tell the other person about your change in self-perception: “I feel that the reason why I am The only reason it feels so hard to make a decision is because fairness really matters to me. Just thinking about the way I handled it might be unfair to you makes me feel bad.” Fundamentally, though, what you What you choose to share with your partner often depends on the circumstances, your relationship, and the perspectives or feelings that contribute to the conversation. The three-level dialogue provides sufficient and beneficial material for our conversation.In the next few chapters, we will further discuss the methods and techniques of conversation with you. To be able to understand the other person's story from the inside, you need to master some special skills about asking, listening, and identifying with the other person.In order to be able to express your story clearly and make it convincing, you need to be qualified as a speaker, and the content of the story must be precise and only related to yourself.In Chapters 9 and 10, we will explore the challenges in each of these areas and provide some principles for improving the effectiveness of conversations.Of course, these principles are not as straightforward as moving from a third story to their story or yours.A real conversation is an interactive process—during which, you need to constantly change roles and purposes: listen, share opinions, and ask questions, and when the conversation goes astray, you need to communicate and negotiate to bring it back. on track.Chapter Eleven shows you how to take control of this interaction and direct the conversation toward its ultimate goal—problem solving.最后，第十二章将会带领大家重新回到最初杰克和迈克的那次谈话中，为大家展示如何运用书中所列举的技巧和方法，顺利地完成一次高难度谈话。