Chapter 11 Chapter 7 What is your purpose

There are many different kinds of difficult conversations, and it is impossible for you to encounter all of them.Life is too short and there are too many things to do.So how do you decide when to talk, whether to put it first or wait until later?And how do you gracefully let go of the things you don't want to talk about anymore? When the dog next door keeps you up at night, your mind is tortured by the torture of these questions. We have already spent half of this book discussing what you should talk about. Next, we will use The remaining space is to discuss how to talk about it.Before that, though, let’s talk about “timing.”

Perhaps it would be easier if there were a single principle we must abide by when we should ask questions and when we should keep silent.For example, rules such as "no politics at dinner no matter what you do, keep silent before 8 a.m." and "always stand with the boss" seem to make everything clear, but can be compared with At the same time, such regulations are equivalent to a dead letter and will not bring us much help. No one can help you decide whether or not you should talk to them—your husband, the agent, or the repairman—except you.Because the specifics of each case are different, we cannot give a simple principle to guide you in making an informed decision.All we can do is give you some questions and suggestions to help you decide whether and how to start a conversation.

This is what we usually think when we are hesitant to bring up a topic. I wish I had been more assertive in my decisions.If I were clever enough, I wouldn't be in such a difficult situation as I am now. However, the fact is that there is no such thing as a "right decision". We cannot predict how things will turn out. So please stop wasting time looking for the so-called right answer - what is the wisest thing to do? Like that Not only are the answers useless, but they also have the potential to spoil the conversation. On the contrary, when you need to make careful decisions, you should keep your head clear.For most people, this is not difficult to do.

In any case, the first thing you need to do is to do your best to deal with the three layers of dialogue in sequence.Emotions, key cognitive issues, and possible distortions or discrepancies in perception need to be approached with care and perfection.Second, keep a clear head and be clear and definite about what you know (your emotions, experiences and stories, and your self-perception) and what you don't know (their intentions, perceptions, or emotions). This approach will help you gain a better grasp of the flow of communication and gain an insight into what's really bogging down your conversation.Sometimes, when the cause becomes apparent, so does the solution: "It's important to ask the question, and I now know how to do it," or "Now, I'm beginning to understand that Why the conversation might go nowhere."

As you ponder whether you should take action, you may discover that sometimes it is wise to initiate a conversation, and other times it is the opposite.Should a conversation be initiated?Before answering this question, please answer the following three key questions. Sometimes, solving problems can be so difficult more because of you than because of everything that goes on between you and others.In this case, if we still only focus on the interaction, in the end, the result of the conversation is likely to achieve nothing or half the effort, unless you have a detailed conversation with yourself first.

Carmen and her husband are constantly at odds over duties related to their children, such as picking them up to and from school, taking them to the doctor's appointments and taking piano lessons.Finally, after repeatedly reviewing her self-awareness dialogue, Carmen finally resolved the conflict with her husband: Carmen gradually realized that the reason why she was unwilling to let go of the responsibility of planning her child's life was entirely because only in this way could she feel that she was still a qualified mother—still playing an irreplaceable role in her child's happy life .So, from then on, when things at home fell into chaos again, she was gradually able to throw away her resentment and deal with it calmly: "I will try my best to hand things over to Tom and look at these responsibilities from another angle. After all, it is I chose to take over things myself, not because he let them go."

As you become more aware of your emotions or responsibilities, the truth becomes clearer: what you need to do now is not initiate a conversation about the mutual interaction, but change your behavior.Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Walter has had many conversations with his mother about the family farm, but each conversation has either ended or been fruitless, and sometimes ended badly.Walter told us his story: My brothers have been helping my mother with the farm since my father passed away.Whenever I spoke to her, my mother would ask me when I would come home and join my brother on the family farm—or succeed old Danny as a small-town doctor.

From a personal point of view, I like city life very much, and I am very satisfied with my current job as a pediatrician. Therefore, I think I should talk to my mother to give up this idea and accept the fact that I will not go back—at least in the short term, no. meeting. However, when I examined these three layers of dialogue in turn, I found something different.I realized that in addition to feeling lost and dissatisfied when my mother mentioned this, I also felt relieved—because she missed me—and filled with gratitude because my roots were in my hometown and I There is also the option to go back, and besides, I also feel a little sad when I think that my children are not as attached to their grandmothers as my nieces are, and regret that they didn't have the opportunity to grow up on a country farm, after all, for me That being said, it was indeed a wonderful experience.

One of the most important takeaways from this review, though, came from my attempt to perceive and feel the whole thing from my mother's perspective.Suddenly, I realized that what my mother was really trying to tell me was that she didn't want to miss every detail of my life—she wanted to be a part of it.She wanted me to bring my family back to her so she could develop a closer connection to our lives.However, when she expresses this desire by asking me when I will be home, I usually end the conversation quickly by dismissing the subject.In the end, I probably won't call her for weeks because I'm afraid she'll repeat the old story.So what I did made her think she was drifting away from me - which was bound to encourage her to call me again and tell me how much she missed me and wanted me to go home and be with the family .

When Walter finally understood why his conversations with his mother kept stalling and his mixed feelings, he realized that he didn't need to discuss with his mother whether he would come home or not.The first thing he needs to do is change his role in this contradiction. I started calling my mother more often, telling her how the kids were doing, and inviting her to stay with me instead of visiting each other only for vacations or family events.When she raised the question of when I would be able to go home again, instead of interrupting her or ending the conversation hastily like before, I told her that I was content with the current state of life.At the same time, I also told my mother that I actually felt a little regretful and sorry because I didn't spend more time with her, and expressed to her my wish to let my children spend more time with her.Soon, the daughters received invitations from their hometown to spend the summer with their cousins.Gradually, my mother stopped asking me when I was going home.

And so, naturally, the bond between Walter and his mother grew stronger. Sometimes talking doesn't help at all, or even at all, to solve a problem.However, despite this, you will still want to do something.Fran, a successful workers' rights lobbyist in the United States, had a bad experience with a toll collector.Usually, Fran put some 50-cent change in the change basket to pay road tolls, so she didn't have to trade black change and spend time counting the coins.So when she pulls out a dollar to pay her toll, she prefers that the toll collector give her quarters as change.If she received nickels or dimes, Fran would often send them back to the collector, asking him to give her some quarters. In most cases, the toll collector will usually meet her request, but just yesterday, when she made this request again, Fran was yelled at by a toll collector on duty, you rich people? Can't you change your self-righteous stink?Haven't you ever wondered why I gave you a dime instead of a 25 cents? After hearing what he said, Franton felt embarrassed, so he replied that I understand, I just think that you have more change and it is easier to find it.” Before he finished speaking, the toll collector took two quarters The policy fell heavily into her hands: "You are not me, how would you know my work status, in fact, people like you don't care about my work at all! Let's go." Although Fran was angry, he also I was at a loss for words for a while, so I had to hold back my anger and drove away from the toll booth. After returning home, when Fran recalled this unpleasant experience again, she realized that because of the blinding of anger, she had indeed overlooked some facts that she did not want to admit: first, when she asked the other party to change the change, There is indeed a feeling of self-righteousness, although it is not that strong; secondly, it never occurred to her whether the toll collectors have to follow some kind of mandatory restrictions in their work; finally, from the toll collector's point of view, She does look like a rich man.None of this fits with how she sees herself.Although she was aware of this at this time, she still didn't like the attitude of the toll collector towards her, but she was able to imagine it from his point of view: facing an endless winding road all day long. The convoy, and then watching the cars drive away from him, this kind of work is really annoying after a day. In this way, the anger in Fran's heart gradually subsided, and she stopped thinking about how to refute the toll collector the next time she encountered him at the toll booth.At the same time, she also learned something more complicated through the experience.She still wanted to do something, but this time, she changed the method and the object.Not long after, Fran wrote a letter to the Road Toll Management Center.In the letter, she put forward and explained her request: she hoped to receive 25 cents as change when paying the fee, but she also hoped that this would not cause inconvenience to the work of the toll collector; in addition , She also asked the management center, what kind of policy can ensure that her wish can be realized.To Fran's delight, she soon received a reply from the center, but the content of the reply surprised her a bit: it turned out that the center did stipulate that the toll collectors at the toll booths could only carry a certain amount of change, and except for Outside the specified time, toll collectors are not allowed to leave the toll booth at will.The toll center thanked her for raising this issue and replied that they had a solution that would accommodate her request without embarrassing the toll collector. Imagine asking the head of NASA about a space mission, and the answer is, well, I don't know.We think we've sent someone into space, and when he comes back, it should be clear. " This may sound unbelievable.However, many times, as the initiators of the conversation, we don't know exactly what the conversation is about.We found that conversation was going on, but no one knew what was being talked about, or what the outcome of the conversation would be. Sometimes we try to initiate a conversation, and from the very beginning, the conversation goes off the rails.Nothing you say or do in a conversation will mean anything (and might even make things worse) if you don't have the right goal in mind, all because you chose to Wrong destination. Many times, the purpose of initiating conversations is to change others.There is nothing wrong with hoping for change.The desire to change others is a very common desire.We want them to be more caring, to appreciate our work more, to give us more personal space, or to be more active at dance parties.We also want others to accept our career choices or sexual orientation, to believe in our God, or to accept our perspective on important events that occur today. The problem, however, is that these are only hopes, hopes that we cannot fulfill.We can't change another person's point of view, and we can't force them to change their behavior (if we could, there would be no hard conversations. We just need to tell each other: "These are the things you should love me more Reasons." The other party will reply: "Now that I know these reasons, then, I will love you even more." However, we all know that things are not so simple.No one's opinion or behavior will change just because of arguments or facts, much less because we try to persuade them.Would you change your values ​​and beliefs, or replace your lover or life purpose because of something someone said?If there is such a person, he does not realize that you see things differently from him, but tries to change you, so what do you do? We can influence others, but with extreme caution.What makes us laugh and cry is that simple attempts to change others are seldom successful; but a conversation aimed at learning and understanding each other can often help us achieve our desire to change others.why?Because when we try to change others, we are likely to immediately take the offensive, refute and attack the other person's point of view, but rarely listen to the other person's statement.In this way, the possibility of the other party's defense and resistance will increase, and naturally it will not be able to fully open up and understand and accept new things.Conversely, when they think we understand them, listen to them, or respect their opinions, they are much more likely to change. Another mistake people make is to temporarily relieve psychological pressure and make a decision regardless of the future consequences. Janet understood this truth, but only after a traumatic experience.She has been engaged in financial management for twenty years, and her work experience is unremarkable, but she never imagined that one day, when faced with sensible questions about her ability, she could only answer the other party with tears.But that is the truth.Every time she submits financial and budget data, she feels like a target who can only be targeted and attacked by others.In the end, she really hated the feeling of being a target and being attacked by others, so she decided to face the director, a woman named Sylvie.Later results were not ideal.To this, Janet explained: "Looking back, even though I said some things I should have said - taking my responsibility, etc. - what I really wanted to say was: Stop talking, was I the only one who was wrong? I wanted her To feel small too, as I have always been; and I want her to know that she can't do that to me! I did it.When I left the conference room, I was in a great mood...but only for 15 minutes.Soon, I began to regret some of the things I had said, and realized that what I had just done would only intensify the confrontation between us.The truth is, she could do that to me, and what I just did will make her even more 'crazy' to me. " If you want to change someone or their behavior and lash out at or blame them for it, the most likely outcome of such a conversation is that the negative effects you feared will materialize.When you say things like "you're insensitive/unreliable/unacceptable," it's only your relationship that gets hurt in the end.Your words may also hurt the other person's feelings, stir up her resistance, or fire you outright. However, this does not mean that Janet can only endure Sylvie's "professional abuse" in silence and cannot change this situation.In fact, as long as she adjusted the purpose of the conversation a little, the conversation between them would become fruitful.If Janet could convince herself to think about Sylvie's reactions with curiosity, the conversation would make more sense.Janet can take this as an opportunity to share her views and feelings while learning Sylvie's story, so as to find a working relationship and way that is more suitable for them.Is it because of something Janet did?Did Sylvie realize how her actions would affect Janet?Did Sylvie achieve her goal in this way in the past?What advice can Janet offer Sylvie to improve Sylvie's poor response? If Janet had been able to bring these questions to Sylvie's point of view, the adverse reactions to the conversation would have been greatly reduced, and the conversation would have been far less destructive to their relationship.Janet and Sylvie will work together to focus on and discuss their relationship, and find out the root cause of the conflict between the two parties. Negotiating with yourself to change the purpose of your conversation can not only greatly reduce the risk of the conversation, but also greatly increase the chance of a favorable outcome in the conversation. Usually, when something important is announced, we tend to say it right away, because "now" is our period of loss, and it doesn't make sense to talk about it after "now".It should be said that in this regard, the vast majority of people are careful enough, and they will try their best to miss the most inappropriate times to speak, that is, what we often say, they know how to play by ear.If someone tells us he just got back from the hospital and he's going to have to have that surgery right away, there's hardly anyone who says, "Oh, really? I'm really sorry. But, by the way, You still owe me 500 yuan!" However, despite this, we still make another mistake in timing: hit and run, regardless.An employee is clearly late, but still walks into the office unhurriedly. You think you should talk to him about this, so you say you are late again? "Then turned and left. Or, on a certain weekend, you went to visit your son, and when you saw an empty beer bottle in the trash can, you immediately told your son that you were still drinking like hell? I caught you this time. Let's go." In fact, your original intention in saying these words is to help the other party.You want your employees or sons to be able to listen to what they have to say and then remember it.However, saying this may make you feel better about yourself ("at least, I said it"), but it will provoke confrontation and frustration in the other person, which will only make the change you want Become a bubble. So whenever this is the case, our advice is: if you want to say something, say it clearly.Speak your mind and tell the other person.If you really want to talk, you can't just skim over it.You must set a time for the conversation, ten minutes or an hour, and you must clearly tell the other party that you need to talk to him about something that you think is very important.You can never have a real conversation in 30 seconds.Only a real conversation can solve the problem, and if you only have the courage and ability to "hit and run", it's best not to say anything. The methods mentioned in this book will help you achieve many unexpected gains in your conversations.When you don't know when to ask a question, the methods in the book can help you make a wiser decision, or, through these methods, you can at least sort out some clues from the chaos, or change your thinking .When you are familiar with these methods, you will become more and more "smart", and you will not repeat the same mistakes-falling into the wrong methods that have led you astray in the past.Gradually, you will feel less anxiety, and those relationships you value most will finally be strengthened. However, this method is not omnipotent magic.Sometimes—despite our best efforts—we really just run out of steam.You can't force the other person to invest more energy and affection in your relationship, nor can you ask the other person to find a solution to their problems.When your son won't call you, no matter how many times you explain how worried you are about him, he won't call you; your boss will still throw a tantrum at you; and your mother will never understand you That feeling of abandonment that I felt as a child. Sometimes, after you have thought about your purpose and some possible strategies, you will choose to forego the conversation and remain silent.When you are in a relationship, it is extremely painful to hold back something in your heart, and your energy and enthusiasm will be drained in all kinds of forbearance, so you decide to let it go.Yes, you can let go and let it be the past. But at other times, letting go is not so easy.Even though you feel like it's best to stay out of it, for some reason you're struggling with the urge to keep talking.The memory hidden deep in your mind is like a wave, with all kinds of emotions hitting your every nerve one after another. Whenever you think of it, you seem to have experienced the baptism of an emotional flood.You have indeed chosen to forget, but your emotions have already taken root in your mind. Some believe that letting go is a choice; others believe that only when the time is right—after you’ve confessed, found a new relationship, or the other person has forgiven you— Letting go is a choice.For letting go, what do we lose?Is it really so easy to let go, so that all the pain, anger, hurt, and shame will flow from our fingertips like a gust of wind, and disappear as soon as we open our palms? To this, our answer is: no; and to those who think there is an easy way, we equally doubt, but do not deny.After all, everyone's situation is different, and maybe, it's really easy for some people. What we do know is that letting go usually takes time, and the process is rarely smooth.For you, this means that you have to find a place - which is not easy - where you can let go of whatever hurt or shame you have experienced; story; you can even let go of the role rules of the victim and the villain, and then give you and the other party more complex roles, so that both parties can be relieved; and only there can you accept the real you. If someone tells you that by now you should have forgotten something, or forgiven someone, don't believe him.Insisting on setting a time limit for yourself, forcing yourself to forget something or forgive someone within a certain period of time is tantamount to setting yourself up and shooting yourself in the foot.However, you can't think that you can't do anything about "letting go" because of this, you can only let time control it and let it take its course.In fact, there are many things you can do to help yourself achieve this goal. If you want to let go, start with a self-awareness conversation—questioning common assumptions that might keep you from letting go, then switching to the options we offer you, and finally accepting it all with peace.Here are four assumptions that can help you free yourself. For Karen, when she let go of the beautiful fantasy that "everything will be better", all the troubles and troubles will come to an end. "My previous relationships all ended in failure, so I very much hope that the current relationship will have results. However, before that, what I wanted was not just a relationship with results. I don't know if it was from When it started, I decided that I must let this relationship continue, no matter what the cost, and my duty is to maintain this relationship. I have tried various methods, maybe, I should have let go of this relationship long ago and started anew. It started. However, I always felt that maybe there is a way to solve the problem between me and Paul. If I can perform better, or do the right thing at the right time, or work harder to maintain This relationship, maybe, the result will not be like this." For Karen, in the process of letting go of guilt and sadness, she needs to accept the fact that sometimes, there are some restrictions that we can't break-it is inevitable that there will be contradictions in love, there will be gaps, and you can't let go. The lovers always maintain a state of being in love with each other, making them intoxicated with endless sweet talk, and there is no guarantee that every relationship can be cultivated to a positive result. Sometimes you share your emotions and perceptions with the other person, or let them know how they affect you, and they understand, and you agree to change your behavior.However, soon, a similar situation happened again, so you think they knew that this would cause me displeasure, but they still went their own way.what does this mean?They don't value me enough?Are they trying to drive me crazy?What can I learn from it? " One thing you can learn from this is that they are not saints, just like you.No matter how explicitly you tell them that their drinking has seriously hurt you, you may end up angry at their forgetfulness or sad at their irresponsibility.In fact, it's not that they don't want to, but that they really don't have the ability to change themselves, at least not now. After being the eldest sister all her life, Alison naturally developed a bossy demeanor.To some extent, her younger brother has accepted this shortcoming of her sister, and no longer fights a protracted war with her for her domineering. Starting from those advantages, continue to love her and care about her as always. Another important obstacle to letting go is that we often "get on fire" -- insisting on associating ourselves with conflict.In our eyes, we are the poor little lamb forgotten by God, the hardest-working wife, or the most oppressed member of the team.In fact, it is not others but ourselves who push us into the "pit of fire". Over the past four years, leadership at Rob's company has split several times over several key decision-making issues.As a member of the company's "opposition party", Rob bravely launched a protracted battle with the company's management. Although his energy and enthusiasm were almost exhausted as the protracted war continued, he persisted after all.Now, due to a sudden merger, Rob's "opposition party" suddenly became the "incumbent party". While he was satisfied with this result, Rob also felt a little uneasy and worried. For a while, Rob was a little uncomfortable, and he didn't even know how to look at himself. If the company's past struggles were compared to a movie, as an actor in the movie, Rob really He was so involved in the play that he lost himself, so when he needed to leave that role, he was a little at a loss. In conflicts between people, this check and balance change plays a very important role.More often than not, as members of a group, we define ourselves in terms of its opposing group, i.e. who we are depends on who we are against, and what we bear. suffering.The tragedy of this definition is that any possibility of reconciliation or resolution of conflicts will give us a strong sense of crisis, because once the conflicts are resolved, what we lose is not only our own role in this conflict, but also There is what we know about ourselves and what others see about us, "who we are". Faced with this situation, we will naturally feel extremely embarrassed, because no one is willing to give up the past "I" unless a better "I" appears.If you find that you have been swallowed up by contradictions, if you have become accustomed to thinking from the self in contradictions, you might as well take a step back and think back to why you joined the battle in the first place.You fight to achieve justice and justice, not to survive. Many times, the reason we can't let go is actually because we are afraid that if we let go, it will mean that we don't care anymore.If you and your sister don't fight anymore, how do you understand how much she means to you, or how much you know that she values ​​you too?Is there a possibility that allows you to "let go" and "care"? David encountered the most difficult thing in his life. "When my brother was shot, I thought I would never forgive the man who shot him - he was so stupid to get drunk while playing cards. I was also really annoyed that this kind of place appeared. I didn't go to the hearing, and I couldn't go.Over the years, every time I think of him, and think of his unjust death, I feel pain and complain about the injustice of this world.In the back of my mind, I've always had a wish that I could talk to him, that I wanted to tell him that I was not only saddened by his passing, but angry that he was so stupid , I hate him for being so cruel and abandoning me. Only recently have I begun to realize how powerful forgiveness can be—forgiving my brother, and the man who killed him.Letting go of my sadness and anger doesn't mean my love for my brother will diminish, nor will my sense of loss disappear.In this matter, I have no choice but to accept.All my life, I have never been able to get over the pain of losing my brother.In my heart, I still talk to my brother, but the content of the conversation is no longer as heavy as before.For him, in addition to endless thoughts, I will not have any other emotions. " David's story shows us the power of letting go and the fact that our love and memories are not lost despite our choice to let go.David cannot and will not forget everything.Although it was a painful and sad experience, he learned a lot from this experience, which he will apply to his relationship with his children and others.In addition, David carried a heavy emotional burden after the tragedy, and as he let go and forgave, those burdens melted away. Even in those more mundane situations, it can be challenging to let go of emotional and cognitive baggage in difficult conversations.Difficult conversations are often centered around our core of ego—the people and principles we care about most interact with “us” in conversation.Therefore, in essence, letting go is to bypass these sensitive topics skillfully and tolerantly, and try to avoid difficult conversations. Of course, the better you are at handling difficult conversations, the fewer emotions and things you need to let go of.One of the keys to improving your conversation skills is to set a reasonable purpose for your conversation. Earlier, we talked about how some talking points are likely to get you in trouble.But what if the purpose of our conversation is correct and meaningful?Therefore, the golden rule of initiating a conversation is to talk for mutual understanding.Note that we are referring to both sides of the conversation better understanding each other's stories, but this does not necessarily mean that the two sides must agree.To understand is to gain more information in order to decide (may or may not accept the information gained) the next course of action. When you think a conversation might be bogged down, think of these three conversation purposes and keep them in mind. Understanding the perception of the other party will take us into three layers of dialogue in sequence.有哪些信息是他们拥有，而我们却忽视了，或我们无法获得的呢？他们受到了何种过去经历的影响？他们这样做的原因是什么？他们的意图何在？我们的行为会对他们产生什么样的影响呢？他们认为我们在这件事情上应当承担哪些责任？他们有什么感受？对他们而言，这种情况意味着什么？目前的情况又如何影响了他们的认知？有谁或什么事受到了威胁吗？ 你的目标应当是从让自己满意的角度出发，表达你的观点和感受。你希望对方能够明白你话语的意义，也希望他们也许会因此而被感动，可是你却不能依赖这一希望。你能做的就是把一切都说出来：你的观点，你的意图，你的责任，还有你的感受和认知，而这也是你完全能够做到的。你可以和对方分享你的故事。 在你和对方都已经互相了解的情况下，你可以做点什么来推动事情的发展呢？你是否可以来一场头脑风錄，想出一个能让你和对方双双满意的好点子呢？当你和对方的需求发生冲突时，你是否可以本着公平公正的原则，用一种积极可行的方法来解决这一矛盾呢？ 这三种目的共同作用的结果就是，你和对方会看到一个不同于之前的世界，对于事情的发展也会有更加强烈的感受，并最终完成了与自我认知的沟通和协商。简而言之，你们各自又有了一个新的故事。你们需要一个正确的目标，一个能够帮助你应对这一现实情况的目标。 这些目的来自于你最初的学习姿态，来自于你与三层对话的交流，来自于你心态的改变——由确定到好奇，来自于你行动的改变——从争辩到发现，也来自于你观点的改变——由简单到复杂，从“或”到“和”。它们看起来似乎显得很简单——也许你甚至会觉得过于简单了，可是，千万不要小看它们，因为这些表面看似坦率直白的目的后面，隐藏着执行它们时所带来的诸多困难，以及它们所拥有的足以改变你谈话方式的强大力量。 在剩下的几章当中，我们将会从学习姿态出发，通过这些目的，和大家一起探讨如何才能成功地完成一次学习型谈话——从发起谈话直至谈话结束。