Chapter 15 Chapter 11 Problem Solving: A Conversation Leader

Chances are, the person you're talking to has also read the book and knows how to have a learning conversation.However, you must not rely on the other party because of this. In a conversation, when you are talking about mutual understanding issues with the other party, the other party is likely to only want to discuss with you who is right and who is wrong.You want to talk to him about blaming, but all he can think about is blame.You give in and listen honestly to what he has to say and identify with how he feels, only to end up attacking, interrupting, and judging when you speak.You do everything you can to improve the way you both communicate, while they do everything you can to lead the conversation to an unproductive end.In addition, during the conversation, you may also find that the other party is still unable to get rid of the fear of being blamed, or simply does not understand the communication method you use.Maybe, for a while, they can't trust the "new" you and your behavior with a completely different you from the last conversation.

If so, what should you do? When you see that the conversation is coming to an unproductive end, you have to take on the responsibility of leading the conversation.In a conversation, you can use a series of very powerful "actions" to repeatedly structure, listen, and reframe the topic when appropriate-to get the conversation back on track without worrying about whether the other party cooperates or cooperates. When the other side leads the conversation to a devastating conclusion, reframing the conversation can bring the conversation back on track when it went off the rails.It can help you turn those seemingly useless words into conversation-enhancing bridges.Listening is not only a communication skill that can help you enter the other person's world, but also one of the most powerful measures to ensure that the conversation is fruitful.When you want to talk about those troublesome topics, timely reframing can help you solve this problem.If the conversation is under the control of the other party, but the other party does not seem to intend to follow the conversational strategy or steps you have proposed, then using the strategy of reframing the topic at the right time to reverse the direction of the conversation will be your wisest choice.

Reconstruction is to absorb the central idea of ​​the other party's words, and then "translate" it into content that can be used by you—specifically, it is to transform it into content that can be included in the three-level dialogue.It's as if you have opened up a path that has never been taken before, inviting the other party to walk with you, and you act as a guide. Now, let us return to the story between Miguel and Sydney mentioned in Chapter 4.As project team leader, Sydney is leading a team of engineers working on a project in Brazil.As a member of the project team, Miguel initially resisted Sydney's leadership, but in the end, he became her most active supporter.Unfortunately, however, Miguel's passion for Sydney seems to go beyond work and be given a more romantic meaning.After he began to "follow" her, he kept showing her that he was willing to be with her, and invited her to go for a walk by the sea alone.

As Sydney stopped focusing on the accusations, she began to notice a rather complex meaning behind the signals she was sending to Miguel.She also realized that the situation between them was getting more and more awkward because of her failure to communicate her discomfort clearly and explicitly.So Sydney decided to talk to Miguel about it.In this regard, she is very clear that if the conversation is to be successful, she must persevere, constantly reframe the conversation, and shift the focus of the conversation from blame to blame.Here's part of their conversation: From the last sentence, we can see that Miguel has finally begun to realize the difference between imputation and blame, and his psychology and thinking have gradually changed, and he has begun to accept that he is also responsible for this matter. Inescapable responsibility.Before this end result can be achieved, however, Sydney has to consistently guide him away from the accusatory mindset.

You can restructure anything.The reframing is so extensive that you can reframe anything other people say to bring the conversation into a learning mode.Let's look at a few examples below: They say: I am right, there is no doubt about it! You reframe: I want to make sure that I really understand your point of view on this.Obviously, you are very sure of your opinion, and I would like to share my opinion on this with you. They said: You deliberately want to hurt me! You reframe: I can see that you're outraged by what I've done, and it breaks my heart.I don't want to hurt you.Can you talk a little more about how you feel?

They said: It's all your fault! You reconstruct: I know that I do bear some responsibility in this matter, but I think both of us are responsible.Instead of trying to figure out whose fault it is, I think we'd better find out together what caused this situation - what we both did to make it happen. They said: You are the most annoying person I have ever met. You reframe: It sounds like you're really angry. They say: I'm not a bad neighbor! You reframe: God, I never thought of it that way, and I also hope that in your mind, I am not a disgusting bad neighbor.I think we just disagree on how to handle the matter, and that's pretty common between two good neighbors.The question now is, should we work together to find a solution that satisfies both of us?

Of course, a simple sentence may not help you reverse the unfavorable situation, but through the examples above, you can understand where you should start.Like Sydney, you will need perseverance and patience during this period, and you should be prepared to constantly reframe the conversation, because only then will it keep it on track. The second reframing you can do is to move from "or" to "and."If the other party asks you to choose: between your thoughts and their thoughts, between your feelings and their feelings, you can only choose one of the two, at this time, you can use the "and" gesture to easily and peacefully Cleverly rejected their request.

In the previous chapters, we have already learned about the "and" gesture of "I-I".However, when dealing with an interactive dialogue between two speakers, we need to introduce the crucial "you-me" "and" gesture.The "and" here is no longer the "and" within ourselves, but the "and" between me and you, me and him, me and anyone.Using the "and" gesture of "you-I", we say "I can hear and understand everything you say, and you can listen and understand everything I say". Stacy discovered the power of the "you-me" "and" gesture in the process of finding her biological mother.Stacey's adoptive mother, Joyce, believes that Stacey's plan to find her birth mother will only cause her own pain, and that such a search must ultimately be futile.In this regard, with the help of "He", Stacy not only skillfully avoided the debate between her and her adoptive mother about which is right and which is wrong, but also successfully integrated the views of both of them. You may be right.All my efforts may indeed be in vain in the end, and even if I do find her, the final result may very well disappoint me.She probably doesn't want to see me at all.What matters to me, though, is whether or not I try to find her at all.That's why……"

When Joyce said that we have loved you, loved you, and raised you up for so many years, why do you still look for your biological mother, and what do you think she can bring you? "Facing the adoptive mother's questioning, Stacey still used the "and" gestures of "I-I" and "You-I" to respond skillfully, so that the conversation continued to develop in a benign direction. I know, I am looking for It's hard to accept what a biological mother does. You are the best mother in the world and the only one for me. That will never change. Actually, finding a biological mother was not a problem for me. It's an easy thing to do, because when I see you sad and sad about it, it hurts me too—sometimes, I even feel selfish, and it's like revenge. At the same time, I also have a lot of me in my heart. Questions that I want to answer one by one. I hope that we can continue to talk about what this means to the two of us separately, just like when I first started searching, we were honest and shared our hearts with each other." And so it was, While Stacy managed to express her own thoughts and feelings, she also fully considered and understood her mother's concerns and feelings.

Good reframing is important to properly manage your interactive conversations with the other party, but the most important communication principle is always to be good at listening—unless the other party feels that you heard and understood what they said, otherwise, You can't change or influence the direction of the conversation at all.Likewise, unless you really open up and listen to what the other person has to say, they won't think you heard and understood what they had to say.When you find that the other person has become very emotional, the wisest choice is to shut up, listen, and agree.When the other party says that only his story can truly reflect the facts, you might as well listen to his story first, and then ask him why he thinks this way.If the other party makes accusations or accusations against you, you can listen patiently to what he has to say, then try to understand his point of view, and finally defend yourself.

Whenever you feel that the conversation situation is out of your control, or you are not sure how to deal with it, you can tell yourself: always listen. We often think that the listener is just a passive character in a conversation, but this is not the case.You can also use listening to guide the direction of the conversation. The following is a conversation between Harprett and his wife, Monisa, on the phone.Monissa is a sales representative for a large pharmaceutical company, so she spends most of her time traveling to meet clients.This spatial distance between her and her husband became the trigger for the tension between them. Monissa: Okay, let's stop talking, I'm going to bed.I have an important presentation tomorrow morning. Harpret: So, you mean, I won't see you until Thursday? Monissa: Yes, Thursday night.I should be home around seven o'clock. Harpret: Well, get some sleep... (Silence) I love you. Monissa: Good night.See you Thursday. Harplet hung up the phone, feeling extremely depressed and a little sad. "She never told me she loved me," he complained. "Every time I brought it up, she said, 'I love you very much, you know that, so why should I? Are you going to keep saying that on your lips all the time?'” For Harplet, this is obviously a very important sentence.It was precisely because of this that he kept asking Monisa this question.Many people think that persistence means repeating and emphasizing your point—in other words, Hapreet should keep repeating the question.But, the reality is, it doesn't work. Persistence is not blindly persistent, you have to find a right way.Remember, we mentioned that conversation is a two-way street, where what comes comes, what goes.In difficult conversations, persistence means you should always be patient and listen to the other person while you stick to your point of view. After thinking deeply about the three layers of dialogue, Harplet began to be curious about the reason why Monisha reacted in this way.So Harpret decided that in the second conversation, he would focus on listening and trying to understand Innessa's perspective on the issue. Harpret: What did you think when I told you I love you? Monissa: I'd think oh, he's waiting for me to say the same thing to him. "But as long as I think of this, I don't want to tell you that I love you, because I feel like I have to say this, and I have always loved you very much, you know that. Harplet: For this, sometimes I am sure, but sometimes I am not so sure. When you say I know this, how can you be sure that I know it? Monissa: Am I still with you? Harplet: Just for that?Such a standard is simply too low!And you know, there is no love between my parents, but they still live together.Maybe that's why I get nervous about it sometimes... Monissa: That's right.I think our experiences are just the opposite.My parents have always been deeply in love with each other, and often sweet talk to our face.I think that would just embarrass everyone.In my opinion, if you really love someone, you don't have to say I love you to him every day.You can totally show it with actions. Harplet: How do you say that? Monisa: I don't know either, maybe, it's just that we both care about each other and love each other.Just like one weekend, your mother was sick, and I immediately dropped everything to be with her.The reason why I did this is entirely because of you, because I know you must be very anxious and need my help, and I really want to help you... The conversation is not over yet, and if they want to achieve the desired result, Harplet and Monisa still need to continue to work hard.However, in the conversation above, Harplet just took a simple measure - listening to his wife's answers and thoughts - which made the topic that was originally rather difficult than the two suddenly lively and interesting At the same time, the conversation between the two gradually got rid of the previous predicament and began to develop in an optimistic direction. Reframing and listening can steer the conversation in the direction you want it to go.In most conversations, you can use these two powerful and effective tools to guide the direction of the conversation.Sometimes, though, you still can't handle all the crises that arise in a conversation on their own.No matter how carefully and sincerely you listen, and no matter how cleverly you restructure the conversation, the other side just ignores you, constantly interrupting you, attacking your ideas, or even refusing to let you speak.When the two parties make a little progress in discussing a certain issue, they will come up with another reason for denying you; or, they are extremely annoyed or frustrated, but whenever you ask them to talk about their feelings, they will give you another reason. Then I will insist "It's okay, I'm okay, I'm fine. I'm not angry at all". Whenever this is the case, you need the help of timely reframing.You bring up the problems you found in the conversation, and use this as a new topic to discuss with the other party.In a way, you are like a doctor and the conversation is your patient.After seeing, smelling, asking, and making a diagnosis and treatment, you determine the crux of the conversation's stagnation, and then prescribe a prescription to guide the conversation back on track.Here is your diagnosis and treatment recommendations for this particular "case": I found that as soon as we talked about this topic, we always had a lot to talk about.Maybe we should set a limit of one hour, during which we can both focus on this topic, and then we can talk about other issues after an hour. This is the third time I have spoken, and I want to express my thoughts. Before, every time I opened my mouth, you would interrupt me.I don't know if you've realized this yourself, but it really frustrates me a bit.If you really think I didn't understand you, and this matter is very important to you, you can say it now.I will continue what I want to say after you have finished. I've noticed that when I ask you if my words hurt you, you say "no, no, of course not. I'm not that kind of person".However, the way you treated me made me feel that my words hurt you, and you were very angry about it.At least, from my point of view, I think so.So, it seems to me that the immediate priority is to figure out one thing: Is my words and actions really hurting you.Otherwise, I feel that our conversation will just stagnate and not achieve anything. Please wait a moment.It has happened many times that you attack me in a huff every time I say something that I think is important.I don't know what caused your such a strong reaction.If you're feeling upset, it's okay to say it, I'd love to hear why you feel that way.If you're doing this just to force me to change my mind, I'm afraid it won't help.I really want to know what it is that makes you so angry, and I want to talk to you calmly about it, so as to remove my uneasiness. Reframing the topic at the right time can help you dissipate those jarring vibes and turn the mood of the conversation around.It allows both parties in the conversation to say what they really think and feel, and to have a genuine and honest discussion about it.Reframing the topic at the right time can also stop unnecessary interactions that are aimed at hurting each other.Many times, the other person doesn't realize that what they say or do can hurt or hurt you.However, if left unchecked, this involuntary behavior of the other party will only end up derailing the conversation, and sometimes it will even further exacerbate a tense conversation.Therefore, in the middle of a conversation, when you feel that you are at your wit's end, reframing the topic in a timely manner may be your life-saving straw. We often think that when we have untangled the three layers of conversation and started to get into the core issues, everything seems to become clear, and the end of the conversation is just around the corner.However, this is not always the case.In order to end the conversation, you have come a long way: understand each other's story, know the whole story, and have a deeper understanding of the emotions of both parties, but you still need to take the final step - decide How to advance the conversation with the other party, and on this issue, you are likely to put forward different opinions. So, it's time to solve the problem.Basically, problem solving involves gathering information, testing your perceptions, creating options that satisfy both parties' needs, or finding fair ways to resolve disagreements -- if you can't create options that satisfy both parties' needs. In difficult conversations, both parties often need to accommodate the other's needs or compromise with the other.If you're having trouble solving a problem and you or the other person is starting to feel anxious, it's likely that you're focusing too much on convincing the other person to agree with you.At this time, you are like the hooked fish, which is bound to struggle to the death, but the fish struggles to survive, while your struggle is to constantly adjust your point of view to meet the requirements of the other party, so that the two sides will be in harmony. Agree on how to move forward, yet the other side's demands seem like a bottomless pit, and barring a miracle, resolving your differences will be nothing short of dreamlike.In fact, what you're doing is giving up control of the conversation completely—unless you can give 100 percent what the other person wants, you're just going to keep struggling like this. However, through the metaphor above, we can also see the disadvantages of this communication method: the conversation requires two people to proceed, and unless the consent of both parties is obtained at the same time, the two parties will not be able to reach an agreement.The amount and degree of content you need to persuade the other party to accept must be exactly the same as the content and degree of the other party's persuasion to you, neither more nor less.Only in this way can the two sides reach a balance; and only from this point can you gain the opportunity and strength to reverse the situation-you can invite the other party to persuade you while trying to persuade the other party.As long as you’re willing to open your mind to persuasion and be fully prepared to face differences of opinion, you can speak your point of view firmly and get it accepted—” I understand that you have decided to use this week to review your paper, and I still stand by my point: I will not use the vacation to do it." For many people, the realization that they don't have to agree with the other person is an instant relief, and the disappointment and hopelessness they felt before vanished. A few months ago, Henry had planned to use this weekend to go out with friends.For a week, in order to complete the work plan and new display content, he worked overtime every day and worked late.On Friday morning, Henry's boss, Rosario, came to him. "Hank, the supplier has given us a big problem. For this reason, this weekend, we have to work overtime to study countermeasures, so as to ensure that we can have enough inventory to meet the big holiday purchases that are coming next month." She explained, "I'm really sorry about this because I know you've already made plans for a weekend getaway. But I really need you to stay. I'm sure you'll make another appointment with your friends Going out, right?" Suggest a test.Facing the boss's request, Henry neither flatly refused nor defended with her. Instead, he decided to find out why Rosario paid so much attention to this matter.As Henry and Rosario combed through their respective stories one by one, they discovered that they had different understandings of their relationship with their suppliers.Henry believes that even if they do encounter problems, suppliers will definitely fight side by side with them and complete their orders overnight.In this regard, Rosario has a different view.Because Rosario has had several bad experiences with suppliers over the years, she believes that the first priority is to make sure that the holiday supply is not a problem before solving the problem. Disagreement of opinion often stems from one or more contradictory assumptions or ideas.If you can identify them one by one, you can think about how you can fairly test which assumption is true, or to what extent it is true.Henry suggests that they call their suppliers to find out how much stock they have available and ask if anyone is willing to work over the holidays for them if they are short on upcoming holiday purchases. Rush goods.Rosario wanted a clear answer to a series of hypothetical questions they asked and a personal connection with someone on the supplier's side who should be able to resolve their supply issues if needed.Of course, in order for the other party to accept your proposal, the detection method you propose needs to reflect the principle of fairness and at the same time meet the needs of you and the other party equally. As you both weigh your conflicting perceptions and conclusions, you need to articulate the parts of each other's stories that you still don't understand or accept.When you follow the other person's train of thought and try to understand their story, are you missing something that can help you understand their thinking?It's for this reason that Henry says, "I think I now understand why we lost money last year because of the inventory issue. It does look like we needed to take inventory earlier. But now that we've It’s been 30 days since I started working on this issue, so I’m a bit confused why this weekend has to be the time to find a solution, does it make a big difference?” It is a very advantageous gesture for you to be open to the persuasion of others.Doing so will allow you to listen to others while being honest and firm about your point of view. "From what I understand, my assistant manager, Bill, is well-trained in stock counting, and he's perfectly capable of doing a weekend count, and I can follow up from next week. Do you think differently? Maybe, you You know more about Bill than I do, and you have more to say about that." "In my opinion, there is no need to work overtime this weekend, and I don't need to cancel the original plan. For this, I have listed many reasons that can explain my point of view. At least, I think these reasons are enough to make me feel better. Convincing. However, is there something hidden in your insistence that I stay and work overtime that you have mentioned and I have not paid attention? If not, I wonder if everything I said is still true. Not enough to convince you? If so, can you tell me how I can be more convinced than you are of my ideas?" "I need your help because I want to know, how would you feel if you were me? How would you feel about this? What would you do about it? Why? ?Can you think of a way to make this as unlikely as possible?" Convincing the other side is definitely a two-way street: to persuade the other side, you must first be willing to accept the other side's point of view.Experience tells us that those who know this truth are seldom distressed by their inability to convince others.The principle of sticking to one's own opinion not only won them the reputation of being strong, but also won the respect of most people, and more importantly, this principle can also keep those who are used to taking advantage of others at a respectful distance. Now, let's go back to your story about keeping up at night because of the neighbor's dog.When you finally work up the courage to talk to your neighbors about it, you learn that they feel that only a barking dog can keep their owners safe, and they leave the dog outside because they fear it might Accidentally hurt the baby.That way, you know what your neighbor is up to, and you can open up about how frustrated and exhausted you feel when you can't sleep because of it.However, when you talk about how to handle the matter, you feel awkward again.Obviously, they're not interested in your answer (a dog that doesn't bark) and their answer (cut earplugs or close the windows) sounds ridiculous to you. In difficult conversations, when we encounter difficulties, we can use creative solutions to get out of them. Of course, this solution needs to meet all the requirements of almost everyone. However, the problem is that the solutions are usually hidden. In a place that is not easy to find, we can only find it by trying.In the process of searching, we must not only have a firm will, but also actively cooperate with each other and start a brainstorming session. "I think maybe we should get creative and find a way that works for both sides. What do you think? Would you like to try?" The result may or may not be successful, but as long as you can Persistence will definitely pay off. Brainstorming may bring us many good ideas.For example, on the one hand, your son can play with the dog more, thereby strengthening its training, and at the same time, it can make up for the lack of care it lacks because the owner is busy taking care of the baby.On the other hand, this also satisfies the son's desire to have a dog to a certain extent.Or, your neighbors may decide to get another dog to keep him company, or keep him inside after 10 p.m. every night, while keeping the baby's door shut.Or, they might tell you that you can call them whenever the dog starts barking and disturbing your rest, so they can deal with the problem in time, so you don't have to worry about not being able to sleep again. And troubled. More importantly, through this incident, you and your neighbors have fully realized that if you are going to continue to be neighbors, you need to work together to find a solution that satisfies everyone—you, them, And that dog. Generally speaking, if you want to resolve conflicts without destroying relationships with others, the best way is to explore those standards or principles of fairness that can guide you in solving problems, rather than confronting the opponent in everything, or Blackmail the other party.If you can't find a creative solution to a problem, ask the other person what standard of fairness you should apply and why.In the dog story above, you can rely on local noise control laws or what other dog owners have used to keep their puppies quiet.Any industry or local specific measures, laws and regulations, and ethical standards can be the standard or principle you use to resolve disputes without harming anyone's interests or face. Of course, not all standards of persuasion are equal.Some standards are more closely related to the problem, some standards are more widely accepted, and some standards can reflect and reflect the problem more quickly from time, place or environment.So when you're weighing how fair the different standards are, you need to take all of these factors into account. When a difficult conversation has entered the problem-solving phase, one thing to keep in mind is that when we all think about problems, we tend to think that our own way of doing things is the "right" way.Affected by this tendency, we tend to attribute all problems to "the way they do things" and then we will propose a "solution" based on our own behavior patterns: "If you just change a little , and all problems can be easily solved.” The frustration is understandable, but such a claim convinces no one.Human relationships are full of challenges because of the differences between people, but at the same time, it is precisely because of this difference that human relationships can be as colorful and interesting as a grand view garden.The occasional depression is just your ticket to the park.As we have discovered before, if one partner in a relationship is always giving in, then the relationship will not last.Good problem-solving often requires both parties to accommodate each other, or to thank each other—one way for one thing and another for others.This is the principle of caring for each other. Not all conflicting parties can reach an agreement in the end.Sometimes, after you have gone through ingenious mediation, you and the other party still cannot reach a consensus.At this time, you need to make a decision: should you compromise a little, lower your requirements, and then accept the other party's suggestion, or should you stick to your point of view and accept all the consequences of not agreeing with the other party's suggestion? Let's go back to the story of Henry and Rosario.Rosario is the boss and Henry is a great employee.If they can't agree on whether Henry needs to work over the weekend, they will each face some choices.Whether it's Rosario or Henry, they all need to think about a question: what should they do if they still can't unify their opinions in the end. If at this point you are going to turn around and leave, and say that you still want to stick to your point of view, then you must do two things.First, you need to explain why you are leaving now.Is it because you feel that the solutions you are discussing do not meet your interests and needs?Suppose that despite Rosario's repeated insistence that he stay and work overtime, Henry finally decides to go out with friends for the weekend.After making this decision, rather than walk out of the office in a huff without saying a word, Henry could clearly articulate his feelings and choices, as well as his interests in the matter.I'm really sorry that he can say that about Rosario.I really want to be a great employee and be there when the company needs me.If it were normal, whether it was weekends or evenings, I would be obliged to stay and work overtime-my past actions are the best proof, I hope you have seen it.As long as you give me advance notice and let me arrange everything, overtime is not a problem in my opinion.Only this time, there's really nothing I can do, and I'm sad about it, but at the same time, planning for the weekend is really important to me.I already told you about the plans for the weekend.For a week, I worked extra hours just to get everything done by the end of the week.To be honest, I don't like this choice very much, but since I have to choose, I still plan to choose a weekend trip. " Now, Henry needs to do the second thing: express to the other party his willingness to accept all consequences.Maybe, when he gets back to the company on Monday, he'll find he's been fired.如果他能够接受这一现实，或是这正是他想要的结果，那么，他坚持周末出游而放弃加班就是一个有意义的决定。或者，当他返回公司时，他可能会发现罗萨里奥一方面有些不悦，但另一方面却更加尊重他和他的时间安排。也许，她甚至还会向他道歉，或是和他探讨今后该怎样做才能避免这样的情况再度发生。 如果亨利并不能接受失去这份工作的可能性，那么，他的最佳选择可能还是周末留下来加班。对此，他可能会因为无法与朋友共度周末而有些失望，但是，与此同时，他也很清楚，自己成功地完成了这次高难度谈话，并最终做出了一个明智的选择。 此外绝大多数高难度谈话通常都不是围绕某一单一话题的简单谈话。谈话往往会涉及到一系列随着对话的深入而展开的话题交换和探讨。这一次，亨利和罗萨里奥也许最终找到了解决矛盾的方法，今后，他们之间还会发生许多其他的事情。需要解决的矛盾很多，而他们则不得不通过合作找到能够平衡工作和亨利的个人承诺的方法。在第一章当中，迈克和杰克，这对朋友因为手册而发生了争执。对他们而言，他们则需要找到一种能够修补双方友谊的方法，同时，双方也需要思考他们是否还应该继续保持合作关系，以及如何才能维护这一关系。为了解决你的睡觉问题，你和邻居不得不尝试着让你的儿子照看这只狗，或是晚上邻居便将狗关进屋内，看看情况如何。不管你们最终做出了怎样的决定，你都应该继续关注它，以检验这一决定的正确性，如果有需要的话，你还需要继续谈话，从而寻找新的解决办法。