Chapter 72 It is only sincere to exchange affection

In ancient Hebrews, there was a king named Solomon, who was admired by later generations as a "wise king". According to legend, he was also a legendary monarch with some mysterious power.There is a well-known story about him. Once, an old couple broke in.The old man said he wanted a divorce, Solomon asked: "Why?" The old man gave several reasons.Solomon nodded as he listened, and finally said, "Yes, you are right, you should get a divorce." Before he finished speaking, the old woman strongly objected, saying that she absolutely did not agree to the divorce.Solomon asked her why, and her "reason" was stronger than the old man's.Solomon also listened and nodded, and finally said: "Yes, you are right, you should not divorce." The ministers around the king saw the king's decision, so they couldn't help standing up and objecting, "Your Majesty, you shouldn't have adjudicated the case like this." , It’s wrong for you to judge the case like this.” Solomon also listened and nodded, and finally said: “Not only are they right, but you are also right. It is true that there is no such case, especially as a king.”

This story tells us the importance of "empathy" in communication.The so-called empathy means to imagine yourself as someone else and consider problems from their perspective.In many cases, it is even necessary to temporarily put aside one's own vital interests to satisfy the interests of others.In fact, interests are interrelated in many cases. If you can consider the interests of others, others will also consider your interests. In the West, King Solomon is regarded as a symbol of wisdom. When he judged a case, he not only listened attentively, but also imagined himself as the other party while listening.Therefore, the conclusions he draws are all the result of thinking from the perspective of the other party, which is empathy.Empathy is a common quality of wise people.

Wisdom is largely derived from understanding.Only when a person has the quality of being accustomed to empathy and extraordinary comprehension can he understand things that he cannot understand at ordinary times.And the other party felt that he was respected.In this way, people are willing to communicate and communicate with you. Jefferson, the founding father of the United States, had a famous saying: "Maybe I don't agree with your point of view, but I will definitely raise my hands to defend your right to speak." What exactly is empathy?In fact, it is "empathy", to "understand" other people's thoughts and feelings, to see things from the other person's standpoint, and to think about problems from the other person's state of mind.Of course, this is not easy to do.

Sometimes we think that when someone else encounters a painful thing, we should comfort him, thinking that this will heal other people's wounds.But the actual situation is not necessarily so simple. Ms. Zheng's husband died suddenly of a heart attack.After finishing the funeral, she returned home tired and sad, and began to face the concerns of relatives and friends: "How did he die?" "Why didn't you call for help in time?" "Have your husband and wife quarreled before?" Oh, how could such a thing happen!" "You want to be a mother and father, take good care of the children!" and so on.

The starting point of these people is of course caring, but it caused great harm to Ms. Zheng who was in a low mood.Later, when she saw the "comer", she became frightened. "What I need most is silent understanding, but no one gives it to me," she said. I'm afraid to turn around and change things. If this unfortunate thing happened to me, would these relatives and friends want to hear what they said to Ms. Zheng? In life, we sometimes want to help others, but kindness is not enough to help others.We also need to have a certain life experience and the ability to understand others.Even reassurance is tricky.Sometimes we are too eager to give our ideas, judgments and opinions, but forget to convey real warmth; too eager to know what we want to know, but forget that other people's wounds are not healed yet.

Empathy requires not only a change of thinking mode, but also a little curiosity to explore the inner world of others. Empathy is about empathy.True empathy must be a process of "empathy". It is necessary to stand in the position of others from the bottom of your heart, and to feel others as you feel yourself.But unfortunately, many people's empathy is missing the fundamental element of "empathy".They either stand in their own position to "guess" what other people think and feel, or stand in the standpoint of "ordinary people" to think what other people "should" think and feel, or assume a so-called feeling of others for granted. .This kind of empathy is actually still limited to the small circle set by oneself, and it is absolutely impossible to experience the true feelings and thoughts of others.