Chapter 40 Grasp the "liner" and pay attention to the "face"

Smart people always care about "face" for "lizi" in communication.In our communication, we pay attention to maintaining other people's face (self-esteem) from the following aspects, and at the same time, we can gain "lizi" (friendship, career, happiness, etc.) for ourselves. Don't brag about your personal life, your personal accomplishments, your wealth, or how great your children are to other people, especially unsatisfactory people.Don't use your friend's flaws and failures as fodder for conversation in public.Highlighting your own tallness cannot really establish your "tall image" in others' minds, but will make people with self-cultivation feel that you are shallow: there is nothing to praise except showing off.

Some people tend to think they are great and feel that they are superior to others, so they inadvertently express this sense of superiority in their words and deeds, and sometimes they even deliberately make things difficult for others, so that they can't get down.When others were dealing with a difficult matter, he took the initiative to step forward to "help": "It's a piece of cake, let me do it!" solved the problem.Then clap your hands, wink at each other, shrug, smile and walk away.Regardless of whether there is a third party present, this kind of "show off" method hurts people a lot.If you really want to help each other, you might as well keep a low profile, and then try to procrastinate as long as possible to help the other party solve the problem with a gentle, modest and prudent attitude.In this way, not only will you not lose "face", but you will also win the respect and gratitude of others.Isn't this better than hurting someone else's self-esteem by showing off?

Some people say: "Self-esteem is the bottom line of interpersonal communication!" It is impossible not to ask for help in everything.When we ask for help, we think that we are exchanging our self-esteem with others for some kind of help we want. Therefore, in order to maintain our "self-esteem", we refuse to speak soft words when we ask for help, thinking that it is "condescension". Gui": "I can solve problems like this, but due to various objective reasons, I have to ask you for help." Under such circumstances, who will help you?You might as well truthfully explain the difficulties you are currently facing and the actual situation that you are unable to solve, and sincerely ask for help.When asking others for help, a sincere attitude is a basic attitude.If you care too much about your self-esteem, what else can you gain besides making people think that you are "slapping your face to look fat"?

You like to argue with people, do you think that you will gain a lot by overwhelming the opponent with your arguments?In fact, you don't have to overwhelm the other person at all.Even if the other party succumbs on the surface, he must feel resentful in his heart, and you will not get any benefit.Being argumentative will damage the self-esteem of others, so the other party will feel disgusted with you. If you can always respect the opinions of others, your opinions will also be respected.In this way, what you advocate will be easily supported by others.You can realize your ideas, you can influence other people's plans, but you can't use arguments to achieve your goals.

Striving for a momentary victory won't bring you a lifetime of fame, but it will cost you the friendship of others. Is it worth it? Some people like to use a questioning tone to correct the mistakes of others, which is enough to destroy the relationship between both parties.People who are being questioned are often overwhelmed and their self-esteem takes a huge hit.Talking in a questioning tone is the easiest way to hurt feelings.Disharmony between husband and wife, brothers, and colleagues is often caused by the fact that one party likes to talk to the other party in a questioning manner.Except in the case of a debate, questioning is unnecessary.

If you feel that the other party's opinion is wrong, you might as well express your own opinion immediately. Why do you have to ask the other party first to embarrass the other party?Respect for others is essential to the art of conversation.Embarrassing the other party for a while, it is of no benefit to others or yourself.You don't want others to damage your dignity, nor should you damage others' self-esteem. No matter what the motivation for questioning is, it will make others feel uncomfortable and distance them from you.The cracks are opened, and it will take more effort to mend them.And sometimes, some things are irreparable.

Of course, the inappropriate part of the other party's conversation needs to be corrected, but the appropriate part must also be clearly praised. The other party is convinced by your fairness.When changing the other party's point of view, it is best to try to secretly transplant your own meaning to the other party, so that he feels that it is his own modification, not because of your criticism. For those irreparable mistakes, from the standpoint of the other party, you should give sincere corrections, rather than harsh questions, so that he knows his mistakes and corrects them.When correcting the other party, it is best to use the tone of asking for advice, and the tone of command is not effective.Pay attention to protecting or stimulating the other party's self-esteem.

To give the other party a chance to correct is to give yourself a chance to fight for "face" and "little". Is face really so important?To clarify the situation.Don't be stubborn and unable to extricate yourself from "face".Sometimes it is necessary to consider the "liner" - the substance.I think back then, Guan Yu was such a hero, but just because he didn't come up with such a good idea, he stubbornly refused the suggestion of forming an alliance with Wu, and finally ended up being defeated and killed, losing both face and fame, so why bother! Yuan Shao asked Cao Cao for the title of General, and Cao Cao gave it.But the emperor is still in the hands of Cao Cao, which means that the real power is in the hands of Cao Cao.In the end, Yuan Shao, who wanted face, was eliminated by Cao Cao, but Cao Cao, who gave Yuan Shao face, achieved some hegemony.

Compared with the face of Qianqiu's achievements, which is more important, you can see the difference immediately.