Chapter 20 Only a moderate distance can have "beauty"

Friends should be as close as brothers and sisters, but intimacy does not mean that there is no "distance" at all.The German philosopher Schopenhauer once had a wonderful description of the relationship between people. He said that people are like a group of porcupines in a cold night. Because it is too cold, they want to stay together for warmth, but the distance is too close. They will be hurt by sharp thorns on each other, so they always try to find the most suitable distance in a dilemma.In communication, you should also know to keep an appropriate distance from the other party.

The process of making friends is often a process of attracting each other's temperaments, because you have common "things", so it is easy to cross the gap and become good friends at once, and even "like old friends at first sight, never to see each other later".But no matter how attracted to each other, there are still some differences between the two sides.Because they come from different environments and received different educations, no matter how close their outlook on life and values ​​are, they cannot be exactly the same.When the "honeymoon period" of the two is over, it is inevitable to touch each other's differences, so some unwise communicators will try to change each other at this time.When one's own requirements cannot be fulfilled, one begins to find fault with and criticize the other party, and even ends the friendship.

People are so strange: when they don't get it, they always want to get it; when they don't get close, they always want to stick together;People hurt themselves unintentionally all the time.It is amazing that the relationship between a good friend and a husband and wife is very similar, a small matter may cause the relationship to break; therefore, if you have a good friend, instead of hurting each other because they are too close, it is better to "keep a moderate distance" so as not to Relationship breakdown! The so-called "maintaining a moderate distance" simply means respecting each other's differences, not crossing each other's insurmountable private space, not being too intimate, or even interfering with other people's privacy, so as to be close to each other, understand each other, and be close to each other. Respect, do something and not do something.

The key to "keeping a moderate distance" lies in "degree". With this kind of "degree", mutual respect will be achieved and injuries caused by collisions will be avoided.But when using this technique, we must pay attention to this "degree": One is not to widen the distance.If the distance is too large, it will alienate both parties.Especially in modern business society, everyone is busy with their own careers, and there is really no time to spare, so it is easy to forget each other. Therefore, a pair of good friends should often make phone calls, care about each other's current situation, and meet occasionally for dinner. Eat and chat, otherwise, good friends will become ordinary friends, and finally become just acquaintances, and the friendship level between the two will gradually decrease!The distance here refers to psychological distance, emotional distance, not spatial distance.Caring about the psychology and emotions that your friends need you to care about, and not asking too much about each other's privacy, this is a moderate performance.

The second is not to make the distance too small, or even no distance.This is also "excessive".Some people think that their friends are close to themselves, and they don't care about what they say, so they often express their dissatisfaction with them in front of their friends.If this friend has a big heart, it's fine to know your good intentions, but if he is not as generous as you think, he is likely to hold a grudge and even look for opportunities to retaliate against you.Therefore, before you confess, it is best to seriously think about your friend's personality traits to see if the other party can accept it, whether it will produce rebellious psychology, and whether it will affect the friendship between you.

So, from the perspective of spatial distance, how far is the proper distance between people?Here, there is no fixed answer. Everyone has their own standard of psychological distance and hopes to keep within this standard with anyone. When riding in a car with an unknown driver, most people like to sit in the back seat, because they can be farther away from the driver and have higher privacy. Waiting in line at the bank to handle business, he hopes that the people behind him can stay one meter away from him, as long as he gets closer, he will feel psychologically oppressed. When meeting with friends, he hopes to control the distance between each other's conversations at about 60 centimeters, so that he can talk and laugh more smoothly.

Humans crave intimacy, but humans are animals who love to keep a distance. If you go out with friends and you hang shoulders and shoulders without distance, don't think this is a flattering gesture. In fact, the people around you may be quietly feeling uncomfortable. Everything has a limit. If you get too close to your friends, regardless of each other, you will only bring unnecessary trouble to each other.Therefore, keep a proper distance from your friends and let each other have their own free space, and your friendship will go further. In addition, when making friends, don't easily expose all your own characteristics (including shortcomings) to the other party. Being too honest will not do much good for friendship, not to mention that you completely "give over" yourself to the other party, which is a kind of harm to the other party itself. kind of burden.

Please remember one sentence: Only a moderate distance can produce "beauty".