Chapter 73 Summary: How to Raise Children

Parents want to know whether the approach advocated in this book is strict or permissive when it comes to discipline.Be strict with your child's misbehavior, but be lenient with all feelings, wishes, desires, and fantasies, whether they are positive, negative, or contradictory.Like all of us, children cannot suppress their feelings. At times, they experience greed, lust, guilt, anger, fear, sadness, joy, and nausea.Although they cannot choose their emotions, they are responsible for choosing how and when they express them. Unacceptable behavior is not intolerable.Attempts to force children to change unacceptable behaviors have been disappointing.However, many parents still ask themselves ineffective questions: How can I get Mark to do chores?How can we force Fred to concentrate on his homework?How can I get Grace to clean her room?How could Connie be persuaded to stay out no later than her allotted time?How can Ivan's daily performance be normal?

Parents need to know that nagging and coercion don't work.Coercive methods can only lead to resentment and resistance, and external pressure can only lead to defiance and disobedience.Instead of imposing their will on their children, parents should understand their children's point of view and help them focus on solving their problems. In this way, parents are more likely to influence their children. Example: "Fred, your teacher told us you didn't do your homework, can you tell us what's wrong? Is there anything we can do to help?" Regardless of Eleven-year-old Fred's answers, the parents have started a conversation that will get to the source of the problem and, in doing so, help Fred with his homework responsibilities.

Children need a clear line of what behavior is acceptable and what is not.Without the help of their parents, it is difficult for them not to act on their impulses and desires.They feel more at ease when they know the clear boundaries of permissible behavior. It is easier for parents to set rules, to impose constraints, and to limit than to enforce those rules and limits.When children challenge these rules and restrictions, parents should learn to be flexible.Parents want their children to be happy, and when parents do not allow their children to break the rules, the children may make the parents feel unloved and feel guilty.

"No more TV tonight," a father said after his 12-year-old son's TV show ended.Steven got angry and shouted, "You're so mean! If you loved me, you'd let me watch my favorite show, it's going to be on soon." Dad wanted to back down, and it was hard for him. Deny such requests.But he decided that there could be no such precedent, and he enforced his rules. Because there are many rules that are difficult to enforce, parents may wish to prioritize their rules and wish for as few of them as possible.