Chapter 74 It is possible to treat children caringly and effectively
Using the following principles of comprehensible communication can help parents show concern and produce good results when dealing with their children.
1. The starting point of wisdom is listening.Listening has an empathic effect, allowing parents to hear the emotions that the language wants to express, hear the children's feelings and experiences, and hear their perspectives, so that they can understand the essence of their conversations.
Parents need an open mind and a big heart to hear all the facts, whether they please or displease.However, many parents are afraid to listen because they may not like what they hear.Unless parents create a trustworthy atmosphere where children are encouraged to speak up, even disturbing emotions, opinions, complaints and thoughts, only then will children tell the truth, otherwise, they will just say what parents want to hear if.
How can parents create an atmosphere of trust?in how they treat unpleasant facts.It is not helpful for parents to say the following:
"What a crazy idea" (dismissed)
"You know you don't hate me" (denial)
"You always do things halfway" (criticism)
"Why do you think you are so good?" (Humiliation)
"I don't want to hear another word from you!" (angry)
Instead, we admit, "Oh, I see, thanks for telling me how you feel strongly, so, here's what you thought about it, thanks for letting me know." Acknowledging doesn't mean agreeing, it just opens the door to a conversation A way of showing respect that you take your child's words seriously.
2. Don't deny the child's experience, don't refute his feelings, don't deny his wishes, don't laugh at his taste, don't belittle his ideas, don't slander his personality, don't doubt his experience.On the contrary, all of these, we have to admit.
In a swimming pool, eight-year-old Robert refused to jump into the water: "The water is too cold." He cried, "I don't feel very comfortable." His father replied: "The water temperature is just right, you feel cold because you You are all wet, the water in the pool is heated, but you have no guts. You are as timid as a rabbit and cry like a baby. You are loud but weak.”
Robert's father's words denied the child's perception, disagreed with his experience, refuted his feelings, and demeaned him.
A helpful answer would be to acknowledge the child's feelings: "You are not feeling well, the water seems a little cold. You hope you don't have to go in the water today." Such an answer will reduce the child's resistance, and the child will feel accepted and respected. It was taken seriously and he was not blamed.
Ten-year-old Mary complained to her mother: "The soup is too salty." Her mother naturally denied her opinion and replied, "No, it's not salty. I hardly put any salt." She responds with something like, "Oh, that's too salty for you!" Acknowledging doesn't mean agreeing, it just shows respect for the child's opinion, in this case, respect for the child's taste.
3. Don't criticize children, but guide them.Say what the problem is and suggest possible solutions.Don't say anything negative about your child.A mother noticed that her daughter's book from the library was past the return date. She was annoyed and blurted out critical words: "You are so irresponsible. You always procrastinate and don't remember things. Why don't you put Return the book to the library on time?" If she wants to guide the child, the mother should say: "The book should be returned to the library, it is overdue."
4. When you are angry, say what you see, what you feel, what you expect, beginning with the personal pronoun "I": "I am angry, I am unhappy, I am angry, I am angry, I Surprised" and so on.Don't bash your kids.When Billy's father saw his four-year-old son throwing stones at his friends, he didn't insult and scold him with words like: "Are you crazy? You're going to cripple your friend. Is that what you want?" You're a savage kid." Billy's father didn't say that, but said loudly, "I'm angry and surprised that we don't throw stones at people, people aren't made to hurt."
5. When praising your child, if you want to tell your child that you appreciate them or their efforts, say specific things, not character traits.Betty was twelve years old, helping her mother tidy up the kitchen cupboards, her mother avoided using evaluative adjectives: "You are doing well, you are a hardworking bee, you will make a wonderful housewife." Betty Instead of saying these words, his mother described Betty's finished work: "The plates and cups are all neatly arranged now, and it is easier for me to find things. It is a lot of work, but you are done, thank you." Betty herself deduced: "Mom likes what I do, and I'm a good worker."
6. Learn the less harmful way of rejection, and agree to things that you cannot agree to in reality in your child's fantasy.Children have a hard time telling the difference between needs and wants.From their point of view, anything they ask for is something they need: "Can I have a new bike? I really need it." In the toy store: "I want this truck, please buy it for me. "How should parents respond?It may be a hasty refusal: "No, you know we can't afford it." Acknowledging the child's wish and expressing your understanding of the child's desire will at least be less harmful to the child: "Oh, how I wish we could afford it." I can get you a new bike and I know how happy you'll be to ride it around town and go to school. It'll make your life so much easier. Now that our budget can't afford it, I'll go with Talk to your father and see what we can buy you for Christmas." Or say something like, "I wish I had money to buy you." Don't say, "You want everything you see, no, I can't give it to you. Buy, so don't ask for more."
Seventeen-year-old Elizabeth asked her mother, "I'm going to wear your diamond earrings to the ball, can I wear them?" Her mother was very angry and replied, "Absolutely not! You know I won't let anyone wear them. My diamond earrings, what if you lose them?" A less hurtful response would be to acknowledge the child's wish: "I wish I had another pair of diamond earrings for you. I have them in my jewelry box." Is there anything else you like?"
It is difficult for parents to refuse their children's requests.They want to satisfy their children's desires and want to see their children happy.So when a child makes a request that they cannot meet, or makes a demanding request that they have to refuse, parents feel frustrated and thus angry.Acknowledging your child's wishes without getting angry gives your child the opportunity to express their ideas.
7. Give children the opportunity to choose and speak on matters that affect their lives.Children depend on their parents, and dependence is a breeding ground for hostility.To reduce hostility, parents should provide opportunities for children to experience independence.The more self-reliant the child, the less hostility; the more self-reliant the child, the less dissatisfaction with the parents.
Even a very young child can ask him, "Do you want jam or butter on your toast?" or tell him, "Bedtime is seven to eight, and you decide when you're tired and when you go to bed." ” What is the important role for children to be given the right to choose?She might say to herself, "Mom has my wishes in mind. I have a say in my own life. I am a human being. I matter."
I received the following letter in response to a discussion in my newspaper column about giving children choices:
You remind us in one of your columns that even very young children need to be able to make certain choices.This is exactly what I want to thank you especially, in other words, it is just as true for old people, who, like children, become helpless again.
I was with my eighty-year-old father, who was dying of cancer.He was frustrated by being so dependent on others, and watching his disappointment, your words echoed loudly and clearly in my ears again.What a terrible thing it is to not be in control of your own life.I think if he can make some good choices, it might reduce his frustration.There are many things he can choose for himself, for example, does he need me to help him to the bathroom (in some cases, there is no need to be humble, but he should decide when to go)?Does he want me to talk to him, or would he rather me sit quietly?Does he want to have lunch?Does he want his grandson to visit him?
There were some simple things, but they were things that I felt should be his choice, and I also felt that doing so helped us create some kind of rapport, rapport.I also hope that I can help him ease the burden of an unfortunate death a little, not just the pain.