Chapter 58 Chapter 8 Some Sources of Anxiety in Children: Providing Emotional Security

The child's biggest worry is that his parents no longer love him and abandon him. Never threaten to abandon a child.Never warn a child that he or she will be abandoned, whether in jest or in anger.Sometimes, on the street or in the mall, you will hear an angry parent yelling at a procrastinating child: "If you don't come here immediately, I will leave you here." Such words will wake up the child who has been latent. The constant fear of abandonment can spark a child's fantasies of being left alone in the world.When your child's dawdling is beyond your tolerance, it's better to drag him away with your hands instead of threatening him with words.

Some children feel scared when their parents or guardians are not home when they come home from school.Their dormant anxiety about abandonment is instantly awakened, as has been suggested, by leaving a message on a bulletin board telling the child where the parents have gone, or by recording it.For younger children, the information on the tapes is especially useful.Parents' calm voices and loving words allow them to endure temporary separation without undue anxiety. When life circumstances make it necessary for us to leave our young children, the separation must be well prepared.Some parents find it difficult to tell their children that they are leaving the house for work, a vacation, or a social obligation.Worried about their child's reaction, they sneak away at night, or when the child is at school, leaving things to be explained to relatives or babysitters.

A mother of two three-year-old twins had to undergo surgery, and the atmosphere in the house was tense and unsettling, but the children knew nothing about it.On the morning of the surgery, my mother was carrying a shopping bag and pretending she was going to the supermarket.She left home and did not return until three weeks later. During this time, the children appear listless.Father's consolation was no consolation.They cry themselves to sleep every night.During the day, they often stand in front of the window, anxious and irritable about their mother. It is easier for children to accept the stress of separation if they are prepared in advance.Meaningful preparation requires more than ordinary verbal explanations. It requires communication, in the language a child uses with toys and play, a language that speaks to the child's heart.

In another example, a mother told her three-year-old daughter Yvette what was going to happen two weeks before her admission to the hospital.Yvette appeared unconcerned, but her mother, not fooled by her apparent lack of curiosity, said, "Let's do Mommy's Going to the Hospital." , or with the help of children), representing family members, a doctor, and a nurse.The mother manipulated the suitable dolls and spoke for them, she said: "Mom is going to the hospital for treatment, and mother will not come home. Yvette wondered: where is mother? Where is mother? But mother is not at home, She's not in the kitchen, she's not in the bedroom, she's not in the living room. Mom is in the hospital, seeing a doctor, getting sick. Yvette is crying, I want mom, I want mom. But mom is in the hospital, mom loves Yvette, misses her, every day Missed her. She missed Yvette, loved Yvette. Yvette missed mom too. Then mom came home and Yvette was so happy, hugged and kissed mom."

In this scene of separation and reunion, mother and daughter have played it over and over again.At first, it was mostly mom talking, but soon Yvette started talking.Using these dolls, she told the doctors and nurses to take good care of her mother, get her well and send her home as soon as possible. Before her mother left, Yvette asked her to do one more reenactment, and Yvette said most of the lines, ending the performance with great reassurance: "Don't worry, Mom, I'll be here when you get back." Before leaving, Mom made several other arrangements: she introduced Yvette to the new nanny; A couple of Yvette's favorite bedtime stories, along with some loving words.In those moments of unavoidable loneliness, Yvette is reassured by her mother's photos and words, feeling that her mother's love is still by her side.