Chapter 57 Divorce and Remarriage: Another Arena of Jealousy

Children of divorced parents may display another form of jealousy, as may those who have a close attachment to the custodial parent.All goes well until the intimacy is threatened by another intruder, and this time, it's an adult interested in the child's father or mother. It is common for children to feel insecure when one parent leaves the family.They will reason like this: "If one parent can abandon me, so can the other." So they will be especially protective of the parent who stays with them.They watch over the parents' every move, making sure that either parent doesn't develop a bond with another adult.They make dating difficult for mom or dad, throwing tantrums when he or she calls, and trying to be as obnoxious as possible when there is a date.They even give up the opportunity to stay overnight in other people's homes, just to monitor their parents.The last thing they want is to share their parent with another strange adult.

What should mom or dad do? They need to understand their children's predicament, understand their upset emotions, and encourage them to voice their concerns by understanding and acknowledging their emotions: "This is a difficult time for you, and I ask you to make adjustments once again. First of all, you're used to living without Dad (or Mom) with us, and just with me. Now I ask you to rearrange your life to be able to accept a stranger who is not your father (or mother)." "You worry that if I'm in love, I won't love you anymore." "You don't want anyone to come between us."

"You are worried that I will leave you and go with this person." "You wish I didn't need anyone to love me but you." "You don't want to share me with this stranger." "You wish he'd go away and that our lives would go on as before." A parent's love and understanding can ease a child's worries and help them adjust to a new, adult relationship with a parent.