Chapter 56 Quality or equality: Love must be unique, not uniform

Parents who want to treat each child equally often end up angry with each child.Few things are more self-defeating than deliberate fairness.Life becomes unbearable when parents can't give one child a bigger apple, or a firmer hug for fear the other kids will resent it.Elaborate calculation of spiritual or material giving, this kind of exhausting thing will make everyone tired and irritated.Children do not aspire to share their parents' love equally: they need to be loved uniquely, not uniformly.Love is about quality, not equality. We don't love all children the same way, and there's no need to pretend to be.Our love for each child is unique and we don't have to work so hard to hide it.The more vigilant we are at guarding against overt distinctions, the more alert our children are at detecting inequalities.

Gradually, we can find ourselves on the defensive, needing to defend against the child's common war cry: "It's not fair." Let us not be deceived by our children's propaganda, excuse favoritism, proclaim our innocence, refute their accusations; let us resist the urge to explain situations or defend our situation, and not get caught up in decisions about us Isn't that fair in endless debate.Most importantly, don't ration or distribute our love in order to be fair. With each child, we need to communicate our unique connection to them, not fairness and equality.When we are going to be with a child for a while or for a few hours, then it is time to be fully present with him.At this stage, let the boy feel that he is our only son, and let the girl feel that she is our only daughter.When we go out with one child, stop thinking about the other kids, talking about the other kids, or buying gifts for the other kids.If we want this time to be an unforgettable time for our children, our care cannot be divided.

Children long for our complete love, and when their desire is acknowledged, they feel safe.They take comfort when that desire is understood and sympathetically appreciated.Children become strong when each child is uniquely valued.