Chapter 55 Words of Compassion: The Elimination of Envy

Very young children have no strategy in expressing jealousy: They ask if the baby will die, suggest that "it" be sent back to the hospital, or thrown in the trash.Brave children may even use force to resist intruders, and they may brutally torture younger children: they may hug the child in a scarf, and may push, pinch, or hit the child at every opportunity .In some extreme cases, jealous siblings can cause irreparable harm. As parents, we cannot allow our children to bully their younger brother or sister.Abusive harm, whether physical or verbal, is prohibited because such behavior harms not only the victim but also the perpetrator, and both require our strength and concern.Fortunately, there is no need to compromise the emotional security of older children in order to protect the physical safety of younger children.

When a three-year-old is caught torturing a baby, it should be stopped immediately, and his motives pointed out directly: "You don't like babies." "You're mad at the baby." "Tell me how angry you are and I'll take note." The child should be given a big doll, or a pen and paper, and the child may talk to the doll, or draw some lines angrily.Instead of advising the child what to do, all we have to do is observe neutrally and respond to the child with a sympathetic tone: we are not shocked by brutal emotions.Emotions are frank and attacks are harmful.It is better to take out the anger symbolically on an inanimate object than directly on the baby or on him or herself in the form of a symptom.Let's keep our words short:

"You showed me how angry you are!" "Now Mom knows." "When you're angry, come and tell me." This method is much more helpful than punishment or name-calling in reducing jealousy, and the following methods are not helpful.When the mother caught four-year-old son Walter pulling his brother's foot, she had an outburst: "What's wrong with you? Do you want to kill him? You want to kill your own brother? You don't know what you're doing to him for the rest of his life." Crippled? Do you want him to be a cripple? How many times have I told you? Don't take him out of the crib! Don't touch him, don't ever touch him!" Such a reaction only deepened Walter's distaste for the baby .What kind of response is helpful? "Babies are not meant to be hurt, this is your doll, honey, you can pull it all you want."

Older children also need to deal with their jealousy.For them, talk to them more frankly: "It's easy to see that you don't like babies." "You wish without him." "You wish you were the only child." "You want me to belong only to you." "When you see me taking care of her too much, you get angry." "You want me to be with you." "You were angry so you hit the baby, I can't allow you to hurt her, but when you feel left out, you can come and tell me." "When you feel lonely, I will spare time to accompany you, then you will not feel lonely in your heart."