Chapter 54 Expressing Jealousy: Words Are Better Than Symptoms

The following example illustrates how a mother helped her three-year-old son, Jordan, express his insecurities about a newborn.The baby was three weeks away, and one day, Jordan burst into tears: Jordan: I don't want a new baby at home, I don't want you and Daddy playing with him, loving him. Mom: You're nervous about the new baby.You hope there are no new babies. Jordan: Yeah, I just want Mom, Dad and Jordan. Mom: You just get mad at the thought of the new baby. Jordan: Yeah, he'll take my toys. Mom: You're still a little scared. Jordan: Yes. Mom: You said to yourself, mom and dad won't love me as much as before, and won't spend so much time with me.

Jordan: Yes. Mom: Jordan, remember, you will always be our only Jordan, you will always be unique, and our love for you will never change because of anyone. Jordan: Not even the baby? Mom: Not even a baby can take away our love for Jordan.My dear, as long as you feel sad and angry, no matter what time, you have to come and tell me, I will give you special love. When the baby was born, Jordan expressed his distaste for the baby by pinching, pulling his feet, and behaving rudely. His mother warned him: "Babies are not here to hurt. If you want, you can draw a picture of a baby and put it on." The painting was torn to shreds."

Fake symptoms and misbehaviors arise when children repress their jealousy.For example, when children hate their siblings but are not allowed to express their emotions, they may dream of pushing their siblings out of a ten-story window, and the dreamer may be startled and may even run away Go to your sibling's bed to see if they are still there.They're delighted to find they're there, and parents might mistake their relief for love.Nightmare is a child's way of expressing images that words dare not express.Verbal expressions of jealousy and anger are better for children than horrible nightmares.

Shortly after the birth of his little sister, five-year-old Warren suffered from intermittent asthma attacks, and his parents assumed that Warren was protective of his little sister and that he "loved her to death" (probably "death" was an appropriate word) .Doctors couldn't find a physical reason for Warren's asthma, and instead referred him to a mental health clinic, where he might learn to express his jealousy and anger with words, rather than gasps.Some children express jealousy with coughs and rashes rather than words.Some children wet the bed, using one organ of the body to express emotions that should be expressed by another organ.Some kids can be destructive: they break things instead of voicing their dislike.Some children bite their nails or pull their hair out to hide their desire to bite and hurt their younger siblings.All of these children need to express their emotions with words, not with the above symptoms.Parents play a key role in helping children release their emotions.

To be on the safe side, parents need to assume that jealousy exists in their children, even if it is invisible to the untrained eye.Jealousy has many manifestations, many guises of disguise.It can manifest itself in the following ways: constant competition or avoidance of all competition; aggressiveness or outsider meekness; reckless generosity or relentless greed.The bitter fruit of unresolved childhood rivalries abound in adult life.For example, constantly catching up with every car on the road is a sense of competition that loses its senses; or losing a tennis match is considered a loss of dignity, or it is necessary to sacrifice life and property to prove a point at any time. Bet, or must surpass others when donating, even if you can't afford it.There is another kind of performance, for example, he always avoids all competitions, feels that he has failed before the competition starts, or always takes a back seat, even if he does not fight for legitimate rights and interests.As a result, sibling rivalry can affect a child's life more than most parents realize.It can permanently damage and distort the personality, and it can also become a troublesome subject for a lifetime.

Jealousy stems from the child's desire to be the only "beloved" of the parents.This possessiveness is so strong that no competitor can be tolerated.When younger siblings are born, the child competes with them for the sole love of the parents.This rivalry may be overt or covert, depending on the parent's attitude toward jealousy: Some parents get angry at sibling rivalry and punish any overt rivalry.Other parents are careful to avoid any cause for jealousy, trying to convince their children that their parents love each of them fairly and that there is no reason to be jealous.Gifts, praise, holidays, favors, clothes, and food are calculated and distributed equally and fairly to each child, but nonetheless none of these methods can prevent the occurrence of jealousy, neither equal punishment nor equal praise The desire to get the one and only love.Since such a desire cannot be realized, jealousy cannot be completely avoided.But whether the fire of jealousy flickers safely or flares up dangerously depends on our attitudes and practices.

Under normal circumstances, age and gender differences can lead to jealousy between siblings.The elder brother is jealous because he has more privileges and is more independent; the baby is jealous because she is more protected.Girls are jealous of their brother because he seems to have more freedom, boys are jealous of their sister because she seems to be given more special care.Dangers arise when parents give preferential treatment to their children based on their gender differences rather than the children's own needs. Children who receive special love and gifts from their parents often become victims, as in this story below.After the birth of several boys, the parents not only made no secret of their preference for the long-awaited girl, but they insisted that the older brothers should take care of their younger sisters.The boys, instead of loving their sister as their parents expected, accused her of special privileges, so they made things difficult for her and made her life very miserable.Unfortunately, the older brothers' unhandled jealousy not only ruined their childhood, but they didn't have a loving brother-sister relationship until adulthood.

Jealousy is heightened if the parent favors the helpless little baby over the more independent six-year-old, or vice versa.Likewise, jealousy can arise when a child is given special attention because of gender, looks, intelligence, musical talent, or social skills.Talent can lead to jealousy, but a parent's overestimation of a child's trait or talent can lead to endless competition among children. Treating children of different ages equally should not be advocated.Rather, as we grow older, it should bring new rights and new responsibilities.Older children should naturally have more pocket money, a later bedtime, and more freedom to hang out with friends than younger children.These rights are to be given openly and decently, so that all children will aspire to grow up.

Younger children may be jealous of the entitlement of older children, and we can help them deal with this emotion by not explaining the facts, but by understanding their emotions: "You wish you could go to bed later, too." "You wish you were older." "You wish you were not six but nine." "I know, but it's time to sleep." Parents may be unconsciously fostering jealousy when they ask one child to make sacrifices for the other: "Baby needs your crib." "Sorry, we can't get you new skates this year. We need extra money."

The danger with this is that the child may feel deprived not only of possessions, but of parental affection as well.So such requests should be buffered with love and gratitude.