Chapter 40 The Three Domains of Discipline: Encourage, Allow, Prohibit

Children need clear boundaries about acceptable and unacceptable behavior.They feel safer when they know the boundaries of permissible behavior.We divide children's behavior into three distinct domains: The first area consists of behaviors that we want and approve of, where we say "yes" readily and kindly.The second area includes behavior that is not sanctioned but tolerated for some specific reason.Such reasons may include: 1. Allowable mistakes for beginners.A driver with a learner's license will not receive a citation when he is turning left with his right turn signal on.Such errors are tolerated because future improvements can be expected.

2. Allow mistakes in difficult times.In particularly stressful situations—accidents, illness, relocation, separation from friends, death, or family divorce—additional workarounds are required.We allow it because we understand that difficult times require new adjustments.We don't pretend to like this behavior; in fact, our attitude shows that we tolerate it only because of special circumstances. The third area includes behavior that cannot be tolerated under any circumstances and must be stopped, including behavior that jeopardizes the prosperity and well-being of the family, or that affects the physical health of family members and the economic interests of the family.Also includes actions that are prohibited by law, morality, or social acceptance.Prohibiting behavior in the third realm is as important as allowing behavior in the first realm.

A father who allows his daughter to go out late at night will think that her father does not have the right standards; another parent who does not stop the son's friend's nonsense and nearly destroys the son's workplace, in this way, the parents lose the son's respect for them. respect. Young children have a really hard time dealing with socially unacceptable desires.Parents must help their children work to overcome this desire.Parents can set limits to help their children.In addition to discouraging risky behavior, restriction also sends an unspoken message to children: You don't have to be too afraid of your desires, I won't let you go too far, you're safe.

In setting limits—as with all other means of education—the outcome depends on the method.Restrictions must clearly tell the child (a) what is unacceptable behavior and (b) what alternative behavior is acceptable.You can't throw a plate, you can throw a pillow.Or use less grammatical but more effective sentences: plates are not for throwing, pillows are for throwing; your brother is not for pushing, your scooter is for pushing.When setting limits, it is better to be comprehensive rather than partial.For example, the difference between pouring water on your sister and not pouring water on your sister is clear.If the restriction is something like: "You can splash a little water on her, as long as you don't get her too wet," such a restriction will simply encourage dousing her and cause trouble.Such vague words do not give the child a clear basis on which to base his decision.When making restrictions, the tone must be firm, so that it will only send a message to the child: "This prohibition is real, and I mean it." If parents are not sure what to do, it is best to do nothing at this time, first Think, figure out your attitude.If parents are ambiguous when setting limits, they will be caught in endless arguments.Indecisive, clumsy restrictions are a challenge to the child, creating a war of wills in which no one wins.

You must think carefully about the attitude you should use when making restrictions, so as to minimize the child's dissatisfaction and preserve the child's self-esteem.The most appropriate way to set limits and say "no" is to convey authority, not insult.Restrictions should be used to deal with specific events, not to deal with the history of change development.The following example is an unpleasant practice: Eight-year-old Annie went to a department store with her mother. While her mother was shopping, Annie wandered around the toy counter and picked out three toys.When her mother returned, Anne confidently asked, "Which toy can I bring home?" The mother had just spent a fortune on a dress she didn't really want, and she blurted out: "Do you want toys? You already have so many toys that you don't know how to play with them. You want everything you see. It's time for you to learn how to control your desires."

A minute later, Mom realized the source of her sudden anger, tried to appease Annie, and bought her an ice cream, but Annie still looked unhappy. When a child asks for something and we have to say no, we can at least acknowledge her desire to have it.At least acknowledge that she has in fantasy what we can't give her in reality.This is a less harmful method of rejection.So Annie's mom could say something like, "You wish you could buy some toys to come home with." Anne: Can you? Mom: What do you think? Annie: I guess not!Why not?I really want a toy! Mom: But you can have a balloon or some ice cream, it's your choice.

Anne may choose the same, or she may cry. In either case, the mother should stick to the two options she proposed.She can again state her daughter's desire for a toy and be understanding, but stick to the limit: "You wish you could bring home at least one toy, you want it so much, you cry, explain how much you want that toy, How I wish I could afford to buy it for you today." When your daughter says she doesn't want to go to school, don't insist, "You have to go to school, every child has to go to school, that's the rule, and I don't want any trainers in our house." At least acknowledge her desire, This answer is more humane: "How you wish you didn't have to go to school today, you wish it was Saturday instead of Monday so you could go out and hang out with your friends, I get it. What would you like for breakfast?"

Why is admitting fantasy less harmful than simply denying it?Because the mother's detailed response told her daughter that the mother understands her feelings.When we feel understood, we also feel loved.When you're standing in the window of an elegant boutique, admiring a beautiful, expensive evening gown, and your lover says to you, "What's the matter with you? What are you looking at? Can afford something so expensive." What do you think?Your lover's words don't make you feel loved, they just make you feel angry and disappointed. Unfortunately, that response won't get you that evening dress either, but at least the other responses won't hurt you, won't lead to resentment, and, therefore, will more likely deepen the feeling of love.

Many years ago, I was visiting an Inuit elementary school in Alaska, and I was playing the harmonica to the kids, and when I was done, a kid stood up, walked up to me and said, "I want your harmonica. ’ I could have replied, ‘No, I can’t give you my harmonica, I only have this one, I need it myself, and it was given to me by my brother. Get rejected and the happy holiday mood may be spoiled.So instead of saying that, I agreed that in my imagination I could give him what I couldn't in reality, and I said, "I wish I had a harmonica for you!" Another kid came up and offered I made the same request, so I replied, "I wish I had two harmonicas to give away!" Finally, all twenty-six children came over, and I just kept adding numbers, and the last sentence was "How I wish I have twenty-six harmonicas, one for each of you." It seemed to become a game that the children had a lot of fun with.

After I wrote about this in my newspaper column, a magazine editor wrote to me: "Now, when I have to reject an article, I start by saying 'How we wish we could publish your article. '" When restrictions are imposed, some ways of expressing them will provoke resistance, while others will gain the child's cooperation, such as: 1. The parent acknowledges the child's wish and says it in simple words: "You wish you could go to the movies tonight." 2. Parents clearly indicate restrictions on a specific behavior: "But our family rule is 'you can't watch movies on weekend nights.'"

3. The parent points out a way for the wish to be at least partially fulfilled: "You can go to the movies on Friday night or Saturday night." 4. Parents help children express some grievances that may be caused by making restrictions, and then express sympathy: "Obviously you don't like the rules." "You wish there were no such rules." "You want the rule to be: 'You can go to the movies every night.'" "When you grow up and have your own family, you definitely change the rules." It is not always necessary to state the limit in this way, nor is it always practical to express it in this way.Sometimes limitations need to be voiced before responding to your child's feelings.When the child is about to throw a stone at the sister, the mother should say, "Don't throw it at her! Throw it at the tree!" By pointing out the direction of the tree, she can successfully get the child to change the direction of the stone.She can then go back to the child's emotions and suggest some harmless ways to express them: "You may be so angry that you want to throw stones at your sister." "You may be angry. In your heart, you may hate her, but you shouldn't hurt her." "If you want to throw a rock, you can throw it at a tree." "If you want, you can tell her, or express to her, how angry you are." When expressing limitations, the language should not stimulate the child's self-esteem.The more concise and objective the restricted language is, the easier it is for children to accept it. "You can't go to the movies on weekend nights" is less resentful than "You know you can't go to the movies on weekend nights." "It's time to go to bed" is easier to accept than "You're too young to stay up so late, go to bed." "Enough TV for today" is better than "You've watched enough TV today, turn off the TV." "Stop yelling at each other" is easier to get a child to obey than "You better stop yelling at him." Children are more receptive when restrictions indicate the function of an object. "Chairs are for sitting, not standing" works better than "Don't stand on chairs." "Blocks are for playing with, not for throwing" works better than "Don't throw blocks" and works better than "Sorry, I can't let you throw blocks, it's too dangerous." Many disciplinary problems arise when physical activity is restricted, such as: "Don't run, can't you walk like a normal kid?" "Don't keep jumping." "Sit up straight." "You know you have two feet, why do you have to stand on one foot?" "You're going to break your leg." Children's motor behavior should not be unduly restricted.For the sake of mental and physical health, children need to run, jump, climb, jump and so on.Considering the hygiene of the furniture is understandable, but it cannot replace caring for the health of the child.Forbidding physical activity in young children can cause emotional tension in them, which they may express with aggression. It is a very good way to arrange a suitable environment to let the child's body get active and release energy directly, so that the child can get a good physical and mental exercise. For parents, life will also become easier. It is a pity that this Often overlooked.Children need to be active, and there are many opportunities to provide physical activity: ball games, skipping rope, running, swimming, ice skating, basketball, gymnastics, roller sports, biking, and more.Schools recognize children's need for physical activity better than parents do, and therefore offer organized sports and a serious sports program after school. If the parents feel that the limits are clear and expressed without using offensive language, the child will usually abide by them.However, children break the rules every now and then, and the question is, what to do when a child breaks the established limits?An educational approach requires parents to maintain an image of a kind but firm adult with a child who violates a limit, never to argue with him, to be wordy, to get caught up in discussions about whether the limit is fair, or to give the child A lengthy explanation.There's no need to explain to your child why you can't hit your sister, just say, "People weren't born to hurt." And don't explain why she can't break windows, just say, "Windows aren't made to break." When a child crosses the limit, he or she will feel uneasy because he or she will think of hitting and punishing. At this time, parents do not need to increase the uneasiness of the child.If parents talk too much, they're communicating weakness -- at a time when strength must be communicated.Sometimes, in situations like these, children need help controlling their desires without losing face.Here's an example of an unhelpfully restrictive approach: Mom: I understand, you won't be satisfied if I don't yell at you, well, (loud, harsh) stop!Otherwise you will regret it!If you throw one more thing, I'll make you look good! Instead of these threats and reassurances, the mom can express that she is genuinely angry more effectively: "I'm so angry to see this!" "This pissed me off!" "I feel so angry!" "These things are not for throwing! Balls are for throwing!" Parents must be careful not to inspire a war of wills when enforcing a restriction, as in the following example of five-year-old Margaret enjoying an afternoon of fun with her father in the park: Margaret (on the playground): I like it here, I'm not going home now, I'm going to stay another hour. Father: You said you would stay another hour, I said no. Such a statement could lead to two possible outcomes, each unpleasant: the child fails, or the father fails.A better approach is to focus on the child's desire to remain on the playground rather than on her challenge to her father's authority.For example, a father could say, "I can see you like it here, and I thought you'd like to stay a little longer, maybe ten hours longer, but it's time to go home." If, after a minute or two, Margaret insisted on staying, Father could take her by the hand, or pick her up, and lead her away from the playground.With young children, actions often speak louder than words. Children should never be allowed to hit their parents.Such physical aggression is very harmful to both the child and the parent. It can make the child feel anxious and fear the parent's retaliation, while the parent can be very angry and find the child hateful.Banning parental spanking is necessary to free the child from guilt and anxiety and allow the parent to continue to accept the child emotionally. Every now and then you see an unseemly scene where, for example, a parent avoids a child's kick in the calf and advises the child to hit her hand instead of kicking her foot. "You can hit me lightly, but you can't really hit me." A thirty-year-old mother held out her arm to her four-year-old son.One person couldn't resist interjecting, "Don't do that, ma'am, it's not good for a child to hit their parents." This mother should stop the child immediately: "No spanking, I will never let you do that." Or "If If you're angry, you can tell me." The restriction that children are not allowed to hit their parents cannot be changed under any circumstances.Effective parenting is based on mutual respect between parents and children, and parents cannot relinquish their adult roles.The mother who tells her child to "hit but not hurt" is asking a young child to make too fine a distinction.Children will be tempted to test the ban, to see the difference between spanking and real spanking. Although spanking has a bad reputation, some parents still do it.Beating children usually occurs when educating children, after traditional weapons such as threats and reasoning have failed, it is the last resort.Usually, it is not a planned implementation, but a choice made in a rage after the parents' patience has reached the limit.Spanking seems to have a temporary effect. It releases pent-up tension in the parents and keeps the kids in line, at least for a while. As some parents say, "it eases the mood." If spanking is so effective, why are there such uneasy feelings about it?Somehow, we just can't suppress our doubts about the long-term effects of this kind of physical punishment, we feel a little embarrassed about using violence, and we keep saying to ourselves, "There should be a better way to solve the problem." What happens if you lose your temper and hit your child?Most parents have spanked their children at one point or another. "Sometimes I get really mad at my son and want to kill him," said one mother. "When I had the choice between killing him and hitting him, I chose to hit him, and when I calmed down, I said to my son: 'I'm human too, I can only take so much, I can't take it anymore, so I Hit you, but it's against my morals, when I'm pushed to the limit, I do things I don't like, so don't push me.'" Hitting a child should be as unacceptable as accidents, but accidents still happen, but a driver's license doesn't give traffic stories an early green light by saying, "You're bound to have some accidents, so don't drive carefully." Instead, we are admonished to drive carefully.Likewise, hitting a child should not be a prescribed method of disciplining a child, even though occasionally hitting a child is always unavoidable. In the process of teaching children, it is almost impossible not to hit children.However, we cannot plan for this.We shouldn't use physical punishment as a response to a child's aggression, or our own angry feelings.Why not?Because the lesson it illustrates tells us not to, it teaches children to deal with setbacks in bad ways.It tells children vividly: "When you're angry or frustrated, don't look for a solution, fight. That's what your parents do." We don't show our children our intelligence, and we fail to find a better alternative to our angry emotions. Civilized outlets, we not only give the child a sense of savagery, but also give him a license to hit people. Most parents feel uncomfortable watching their older children hit their younger siblings, without realizing that when parents spank their younger children, they give their older children permission to do the same. A six-foot-tall father was so angry when he saw his eight-year-old son hitting his four-year-old sister that he started beating his son, warning, "This is a lesson for you, never again. Hit someone younger than you." One night, seven-year-old Jill was watching TV with her father, and Jill was sucking her finger and making annoying noises, and her father got upset and said, "Please stop , I think the sound of your sucking is annoying." The situation didn't change, he repeated his request again, still nothing happened.After repeating it four times, he got angry and hit Jill.Jill started to cry and hit her father while crying, which made her father even angrier: "How dare you hit your father!" he shouted, "Go to your room immediately." Jill refused to go to her own room, Her father took her upstairs, and she continued to cry.The TV is still on, but no one watches it anymore. Jill didn't understand why it was okay for a man so old to hit a little girl, but she couldn't hit someone older than herself.This incident left her with a clear impression that you can only escape punishment by beating someone who is younger than you. Jill's father could have won his daughter's cooperation more effectively than hitting her.Before he can control his anger, he should have said to his daughter, "Jill, you have a choice, you can stay here and stop sucking your finger, or you can leave the room and continue to enjoy finger sucking .you decide." The biggest side effect of corporal punishment is that it may hinder the development of a child's moral conscience.Hitting a child removes guilt very easily: the child has already paid for the misbehavior, so he feels free to do it again.Children develop what may be called "accounting" for wrongdoing: they allow themselves to do wrong, charge it, and pay it in installments with weekly or monthly spankings.Every once in a while, they irritate their parents, invite a spanking, and sometimes, they just demand punishment, or punish themselves. Four-year-old Marcy was brought in for counseling, pulling her hair while she slept.Her mother found that whenever she was angry with her daughter, she would threaten her daughter: "I'm so angry with you, I want to pull out your hair." Marcy must feel that she is really bad and deserves such cruelty. Therefore, she helped her mother in her sleep. Children who want to be punished need their parents to help them manage their guilt and anger, not conform to their demands.This is not an easy task, and in some cases, a child's guilt and anger can be alleviated by talking openly about the child's faults.When children have better ways to express guilt and anger, and when parents learn better ways to set and enforce limits, the need for such physical punishment decreases. By showing empathy and understanding for a child's range of emotions, we help children become emotionally smart.We show respect in establishing and enforcing limits on their unacceptable behaviors, thus preparing our children to respect the rules in society.