Chapter 39 Chapter 5 Discipline: Finding Effective Alternatives to Punishment

How is our method different from that of our elders in disciplining our children?Whereas our parents and grandparents disciplined their children with authority, we do so with hesitation.Even if it is wrong, the parents still do it with peace of mind, and even if we are right, we still look suspicious when we do it.Where does our hesitation come from when it comes to our children?Child psychologists warn us of the consequences of an unhappy childhood, and we worry deeply that we are ruining our children's lives. Most parents love their children, but it's important to know that the need to be loved isn't felt all the time.Parents who need children just for the legitimacy of marriage, or meaning in life, are at a disadvantage.Because they are worried about losing their children's love, they dare not deny their children anything, including control over the family.Sensing a parent's desire for love, the child exploits it mercilessly.

Many children learn to threaten their parents by not loving their parents anymore. They will blackmail their parents naked, saying: "If... I will no longer love you." The tragedy is not the threat of the child itself, but the fact that the parents are afraid, Some parents will be really shocked by their children's words. They cry and beg their children to continue to love them. In order to caress their children, they will overindulge their children.This is harmful to both parents and children. One night, after dinner, fourteen-year-old Jill asked to go to a friend's house for a school project, and his father reiterated the family rule: "It's not the weekend, so you can't go out at night." Jill argued that going to a friend's house this time Not a social event, but something about homework.Father relented and agreed, and Jill left before promising to be home by ten-thirty.

When she was not home at half past ten, her father called her. "I've decided to stay tonight," Jill told him.He was so angry that the two had an argument on the phone, and the father ordered Jill to go home.What Jill's father didn't realize was that he broke his rules by letting Jill out, which sent his daughter a message: If rules can be broken, so can promises.The next day, Jill even boasted to her father: "I can always make you do what I want, and I can convince you of anything." My father told many people about this, which confused him very much.He didn't understand why it was so easy for him to make the rules, but so difficult to enforce them.He had to admit what Jill had said, that she could convince him to say yes to anything.Only when he realizes how much it hurts to be rejected by Jill, how much he needs her love, can he say "no" to his daughter, and mean it.

What is tolerance?What is overindulgence?Tolerance is an attitude of accepting a child's childishness, which means accepting the idea that "a child is always a child." A clean shirt on a normal child will not stay clean for long, and the child's normal way of moving is more Time is for running not walking, trees are for climbing, mirrors are for making faces. The key to tolerance is the acceptance that children have every constitutional right, every mood and every desire.Freedom of desire is absolute and unrestricted.All emotions and fantasies, all thoughts and wishes, all dreams and longings, whatever their content, should be accepted, respected, and allowed to be expressed in appropriate ways.Fish swim, birds fly, and humans feel.Children can't control how they feel, but they are responsible for how they express those feelings.Therefore, they are not responsible for how they feel, but for what they do.Disruptive behavior is not tolerated, and if such behavior occurs, parents should step in to allow the child to vent their emotions verbally or through other symbolic channels.Permissible symbolic outlets include painting "mean" pictures, running around the block, putting malevolent wishes on tape, writing mean poems, writing murder mysteries, etc.In short, tolerance is acceptance of imaginary and symbolic behavior.Overly permissive is allowing bad behavior.Being open to children and accepting all their feelings can bring confidence and strengthen children's ability to express emotions and thoughts.Over-indulgence creates anxiety and increases the child's demands for privileges that cannot be consented to.

The basis of this discipline is the distinction between desire, emotion, and behavior.We limit actions, but not desires or emotions. Most disciplinary problems have two components: angry emotions and angry behaviors.Different parts should be handled differently.Emotions should be handled understandingly, and behavior may need to be limited and corrected.Sometimes, understanding your child's emotions may be enough to solve the problem: Mom: You look very angry today. Ronan: I'm so angry! Mom: You feel a little uncomfortable inside. Ronan: You're right! Mom: You're mad at someone.

Ronan: Yes, I'm mad at you. Mom: Why didn't you tell me? Ronan: You didn't take me to the Little League games, but you took Steven. Mom: That's what makes you mad, I bet you said in your head, "She loves him more than me." Ronan: Yes. Mom: Sometimes you really do. Ronan: I do think so. Mom: You know, honey, when you think so, you should come and tell me. Sometimes, limitations are necessary.When four-year-old Margaret wanted to cut off the cat's tail "to see what's in there," his father accepted her scientific curiosity but stopped her without hesitation, "I know you want See what it looks like inside, but a cat's tail can't be cut off, let's see if we can find a picture of what it looks like inside."

When my mother saw five-year-old Ted scribbling on the living room wall, her first instinct was to punch him, but he looked so frightened that she couldn't bear to hit him, so she said, "No, Ted, walls are not for painting, paper is for painting, here are three sheets of paper for you." Mom started to wipe the wall, Ted was very grateful and said, "Mom, I love you." Compare this example to another similar stained wall solution: "What are you doing? What's wrong with you? You don't know you can't stain walls? I really don't know what to do with you."

There is a huge difference between what works and what doesn't when disciplining children.When disciplining their children, parents sometimes stop bad behavior but ignore the driving forces that lead to it.Restraints are often disorganized, incoherent, and disrespectful if they are made in the midst of an angry argument.Even admonishment is sometimes given in situations where it is almost impossible for the child to listen, and what is said is the most likely to cause the child to resist.That often leaves a bad impression on children, feeling that not only their behavior has been criticized, but they themselves are not good people.

When we discipline our children in useful ways, we help them to focus not only on their behavior but also on their emotions.Parents should allow children to speak their minds, but limit and guide their bad behavior.In setting limits, the attitude is to preserve both the parent's self-esteem and the child's self-esteem.Restrictions must be neither arbitrary nor capricious, but must be educational and shape character.There should be no violence or excessive anger in enforcing restrictions.Children's aversion to restrictions should be expected and understood, and children should not be punished additionally for resenting prohibitions.

Such discipline may lead the child to voluntarily accept restrictions and change certain behaviors.In this sense, parental admonition may eventually lead to self-discipline in children.By identifying with the parents and the values ​​they embody, the child will gain a standard of self-regulation within himself.