Chapter 35 Children's voice and choice

Children are not born with a sense of responsibility, nor will they automatically acquire a sense of responsibility when they reach a certain age. Responsibility is like playing a piano. and comprehension, to exercise children's ability to judge and make choices. The development of a sense of responsibility can begin at a very young age.Cultivating a sense of responsibility in children means giving them the opportunity to have a say in matters that concern them and, if necessary, to make their own choices.There is a subtle difference between speak and select.Some things are completely within the scope of the child's own responsibility. In these matters, the child should have the right to choose.And some things are only within the scope of our responsibility, but they will affect the interests of children. In these matters, children should have a say, but they have no right to choose. The decision must be made by us. At the same time, we must help children accept the inevitable. fact that will happen.What needs to be clarified is the difference between the two areas of responsibility.Let's examine a few common areas where conflict arises between children and parents.

Even with a two-year-old, we can ask him if he wants a half glass of milk or a full glass. (For parents who are worried about their child always choosing the half glass of milk, their problems can start with the big half glass.) At four years old, we can give him the choice between asking for a half apple or a whole apple.Six-year-olds can decide for themselves whether hard-boiled eggs should be hard-boiled or tender. We should deliberately create some scenarios and let the children make their own decisions.The parent chooses the scene, and the child makes the choice. Instead of asking your child questions like, "What would you like for breakfast?" Ask your child, "Would you like scrambled or fried eggs?" "Do you want toasted or untoasted bread?" "Your Do you want your cereal hot or cold?" "Would you like orange juice or milk?"

Questions like this send a message to your child that she needs to take some responsibility for her own affairs.She is not just someone who takes orders, but a participant in the decisions that affect her life.Children should be able to get a clear message from the attitude of their parents: We provide you with many options, and the choice is your own responsibility. The trouble kids have with eating is usually the fault of their parents, who put too much of their own preferences on their kids' tastes, nagging them to eat a certain vegetable, telling them (rather unscientifically) that How nutritious vegetables are.Parents should not have too strong preferences for food, which is the best for their children.Parents provide nutritious and delicious food, and if it is consistent with medical advice, it is up to the child to eat more or less according to his own appetite.Obviously, eating is within the child's own responsibility.

It is difficult to develop a sense of importance in a child if he is not allowed to speak up and make his own choices when given the opportunity, as the following example illustrates.Four-year-old Arthur sits with his mother in a coffee shop: Waiter: What do you want? Arthur: I want a hot dog. Mom: Get him a beef sandwich! Waiter: What do you want on your hot dog, ketchup or mustard? Arthur (turning to his mom): Hey mom, she thinks I do exist! When buying clothes for our little ones, it is our responsibility as parents to decide what they should wear and how much they should spend.In the store, we selected several styles, all of which were acceptable to us in terms of price, and let the child choose the one he or she likes to wear.Thus, even a six-year-old can choose her socks, blouse, skirt, trousers, and so on—from among those her parents have already selected.When many families buy clothes for their children, the children have not been able to gain experience and have not been able to develop any abilities.In fact, there are plenty of grown-ups who couldn't afford to buy themselves an outfit without the accompanying choice of a consultant.

Especially for older children, they should be allowed to choose clothes independently according to the different acceptance standards of their parents or friends.Children may want to wear their own taste, but this taste may not be comfortable for parents.As long as older children can choose how they spend their money, they should be allowed to buy the clothes they like.If her peers tease him about her taste being "weird," she might change her tastes to match his taste next time.Parents can let go of their hands and don't criticize, oppose, or argue, so as not to cause a bad mood. Such things can let her classmates do it for their parents.On the other hand, some children are so creative that parents feel comfortable letting them wear clothes they like or even design themselves, no matter how different they look from their peers.

Sometimes, when a teenage child wears a piece of clothing that will cause a lot of controversy, parents can ask the child to consider the message of the clothing: "Do you want to look unusual?" "Do you want all Do people who see you think you're sexually casual?" Beginning in first grade, parents should demonstrate the attitude that homework is solely the responsibility of the child and the teacher.Parents should not nag their children about homework, and they should not supervise or check their children's homework unless asked to do so. (This policy may be the opposite of what the teacher wants.) If the parents take over the responsibility for homework, and the child lets them do it, they can no longer escape it.Homework can become a weapon in the hands of children to punish, blackmail, and exploit parents.What if parents were less interested in the minutiae of their child's homework and instead implied in less explicit words: Homework is your business, and you do it like we do work.Such an attitude will bring much joy to family life and avoid much distress.

There are many excellent schools that do not assign homework to children. Compared with those six or seven-year-old children who are plagued by homework all day long, the students in these schools will acquire no less knowledge.The main value of homework is to give children the experience of doing things themselves.However, for this value to be realized, homework must be appropriate to the child's abilities so that they can do it independently without the help of others.Direct help can only convey to the child that he or she is useless without the involvement of the parents.Still, indirect help can be useful.For example, we can give children their own space, a suitable desk, some reference books, and allow them to use a computer.We can also help children figure out the right time to do homework according to different seasons.On warm afternoons in spring and autumn, children's minds must first think of play, and then homework.On cold winter days, homework should come first, and if watching TV, it should be after homework.

Some children want to be with their parents when they do their homework.When they analyze a topic or try to understand a passage in a book, they expect their parents to listen to them.Or allow your child to do homework on the kitchen or living room table.But don't comment on how your child sits, don't criticize their appearance, don't tell them to be careful with their furniture. Some children may chew their pencils, scratch their heads, or shake their chairs, or even listen to music while they do their homework so they can do better.Our commenting and blocking on this only frustrates children and interrupts their mental work.When we ask our children to do something, if the expression is respectful and protects the child's autonomy, then the child will resist us less.

When children are doing their homework, we should not interrupt them by asking questions or ordering small errands. These questions and errands can be asked after they have finished their homework.Instead of guidance and assistance, we should stand behind the scenes and offer comfort and support to our children.Sometimes we can clarify a point, or explain a sentence, if the child asks for our guidance.However, we should avoid saying things like, "If you weren't inattentive, you'd remember your homework." And, "If you listened to the teacher, you'd know how the homework was done."

When we help, we should be careful and sympathetic, and we should listen to our children more than lecture them.We show the way to the child, but we expect the traveler—the child—to reach his destination on his own. Here's an example of one mother's skill at preventing a homework trouble from turning into an argument: Helen, eleven, stood up from her desk and said to her mother, "I don't want I'm too tired to do my homework." The usual parental response would be, "What do you mean? You don't want to do your homework anymore? How come you never get tired when you play? You get tired when you do your homework. When you come home with a bad report card, See if I don't care about you!"

However, Mother Helen's answer was to admit her daughter's emotions: "I can see that you are very tired and you have been studying very hard. When you are rested and ready, you will do your homework." Parents' attitudes toward school and teachers can affect children's attitudes toward homework.If a parent regularly blames the school and belittles the teacher, the child will draw obvious conclusions.Parents should support the teacher's position and the policy of responsible homework.When teachers are strict, parents have an excellent opportunity to express their sympathy: "It's been a rough year - so much homework!" "It's been a really tough year." "She must have been a tough teacher." "I've heard she's asking a lot." "I've heard she's very strict with homework. I guess there will be a lot of homework this year." Don't throw tantrums at your child every day about homework problems, such as: "Listen, Amber, from now on, you're going to do your spelling homework every afternoon, including Saturday and Sunday afternoons. No more playing and no more TV." ’ or “Roger! I’m tired of reminding you to do your homework every day, and Dad will come to check if you’re paying attention, and if you’re not, you’ll regret it.” Threats and nagging are common ways parents deal with homework because it convinces them that something is being done.In fact, such warnings are not only useless, but also more harmful.And the only consequences of the tension are irritated parents and angry kids. Ivan was fourteen years old, and his parents received a letter of dissatisfaction from the school-Ivan was behind in his studies.His father's first reaction was to call his son over, give him a good reprimand, and punish him: "Listen, son, from now on, you have to do your homework every day, including weekends and holidays. No movies, no movies. No TV, no videos, no visiting friends. I want to make sure you start thinking seriously about your studies." This has been said many times before, but the result is always that the father loses his temper and the son disobeys.The mounting pressure only increased Ivan's resistance.He became an expert at making excuses and pretending. This time, instead of threats and punishment, Ivan's father appealed to his son's self-esteem.He showed the teacher's letter to Ivan, and said: "Son, we hope that you can do better, that you can learn more knowledge and be more knowledgeable. The world needs capable people, and there are still many problems in the world. There are issues to be resolved, and you can help." Ivan was deeply moved by his father's words and tone, and he said: "I will definitely study more seriously." Many able children are late with homework and fall behind in school as an unconscious rebellion against their parents' expectations.To grow up and mature, they need to feel independent and free from the constraints of their parents.When parents pay too much attention to their child's report card at school, the child's autonomy is threatened.If homework and high grades are the diamonds in a parent's crown, the child may automatically want to take home a weedy crown, at least his or her own.Falling short of their parents' goals gives the young rebel a sense of independence.Therefore, the pursuit of individuality and uniqueness may lead children to failure despite parental pressure and punishment.As one kid said, "They can take away the TV and my pocket money, but they can't take away my failing grades." Obviously, resisting learning is not a simple problem, and neither being strict nor lenient to children can solve the problem.Constant pressure may increase a child's resistance, and a laissez-faire attitude may give a child the impression that his parents accept his immaturity and irresponsibility.There are no easy fixes, and no quick fixes.Some children may need psychotherapy to address their resistance to their parents, to achieve satisfactory grades and progress, and to realize their underutilized academic potential. Some children may need guidance from a spiritual mentor, like a school counselor, or a sensitive teacher.Parents should never do this kind of tutoring work.Our goal is to teach children that they are independent of us and that they themselves are responsible for their successes and failures.When we allow a child to experience life independently, with spontaneous needs and goals, he or she begins to take responsibility for his or her own life and its needs. Allowance money should not be given to children as rewards for good behavior or chores.It is an educational method with a clear purpose: to provide children with the experience of using money, from which to exercise children's ability to choose and take responsibility.Therefore, the implementation of supervision on pocket money will completely defeat the purpose of pocket money.What we need to do is to formulate a general policy and stipulate the scope of pocket money expenditure: treat friends to dinner, give friends gifts, lunch, school supplies, and so on.As the child grows older, the amount of pocket money should also increase to meet additional expenses and expenses, such as: club membership fees, entertainment expenses, clothing accessories, etc.Some children can't control the budget well, and spend a lot of pocket money as soon as they get it.For this kind of abuse of pocket money, parents should discuss with their children and use a business-like attitude so that they can get a solution agreed by both parties.Still talking about the problem of spending money too quickly, you may need to divide the pocket money into several batches and give it to your children twice or more a week.Allowance money by itself should not be a stick hanging over a child, putting pressure on him to get good grades or to be obedient.Parents should not stop giving pocket money at will in anger, or increase pocket money at will when they are happy.Not even a child will feel comfortable with such an arrangement.As this interesting anecdote shows: Mom: You've been behaving nicely, and I'll give you some money to go to the movies. Son: You don't have to give me any more money, I don't want anything, and I will be very good. What is a reasonable allowance?There is no universally applicable answer to this question.Allowance money should fit within our budget, regardless of neighbors’ standards, we should never be forced to spend more than we can afford, and if a child protests, we can tell him or her sincerely and sympathetically, “We want to be able to Give you more pocket money, but our budget is limited." This approach is much better than trying to convince a child that he or she really doesn't need that much money. Money, like power, can be easily mishandled by the inexperienced.The amount of pocket money should not exceed what the child can control.It is better to start with a small amount and then adjust slowly over time, which is much better than giving a child a lot of money at once and increasing his burden.When your child starts school and learns to count and find change, it's time to give your child pocket money.Pocket money has a basic condition: After a fixed expenditure, the remaining change should be kept or spent by the child himself. When a child promises to take care of a pet, he is expressing good intentions, not competence.A child may need a pet, want a pet, and love a pet, but he or she rarely takes care of a pet properly.Responsibility for caring for an animal's life should not be left to children alone.To avoid frustration and finger pointing, it's best to assume that the child's pet is the parent's job.Children can benefit greatly from having a pet to play with and having a pet to love.He or she may also benefit from sharing concern for the pet, but responsibility for the pet's life and health must rest with an adult.A child may agree to be responsible for feeding the pet, but still needs a parent to provide a kind reminder from the sidelines. If our demands are respected and our children's autonomy is maintained, the children will have less resistance to us. A mother asked her children to clear the table, but when they procrastinated, the mother was so angry that in the old days she would have yelled at them and threatened them.But this time, instead of threatening, she stated the facts: "When the table is cleared, I'll serve dessert." The kids immediately went to work, which showed her she was on point. The child responds to short statements that are not commands.One cold, windy day, nine-year-old Todd said, "Today I want to wear a denim jacket." His mother replied, "Go and see the thermometer. If it's over three degrees Celsius, you'll have to wear a denim jacket. Winter clothes." Todd went to check the thermometer and said, "Oh, three degrees below zero." He put on his winter clothes. When seven-year-old Amelia and nine-year-old Larry used to play ball in the living room, their father would yell, "How many times have I told you? The living room is not a ball court! There are so many Expensive things, you will break them, you are so irresponsible!" However, this time he decided to give the children a choice to deal with this constantly happening situation: "Children, you have a choice, One, go out and play; two, don't play. You decide." George's mom, unable to stand her thirteen-year-old son's long hair anymore, devised a strategy that would preserve his autonomy and dignity.She gave George a choice.She said, "Your hair is down to your shoulders, and it needs a trim, and it's up to you how you cut it, you can go to the barber shop or you can cut it yourself." "You don't want me to go to the barber shop," George replied Say, "If I had to cut it, I'd cut it myself." The next day, George brought home a very special razor and comb. He asked his mother to cut him roughly from the back, and then he spent an hour cutting his hair. When he came out of the bathroom, Yang "Looks good, doesn't it?" he said triumphantly. His face glowed. George's mother said: "I am very happy that I did not nag, did not yell, did not force him, instead, I gave my son a choice, this is my way to help him save face." A written note can often accomplish what a verbal opinion cannot. One parent, tired of the nagging, tried a humorous ad for chores enlisted: Hiring - Young adults, 10 to 12 years old, must be strong, smart, brave, and able to fend off wild animals and walk through thick undergrowth from the house to the trash can.Job seekers please line up at the corner of the dishwasher and the kitchen sink. Recruitment - beautiful princess or prince, help set the banquet table for the royal feast. The recruitment drew a lot of laughter from the children, but what made the parents happiest was the attitude of the children, who took responsibility without complaint. When a child plays an instrument at home, sooner or later the parent hears "a familiar tune": "I don't want to practice anymore." It's not easy to be objective about "the tune" . Parents often ask how to spark interest in their children's music lessons.Here's how one mom accomplished this task with appreciative questions. Seven-year-old Ann is playing a piece of piano. This is the first time she has played with both hands. Mom: Have you ever played this piece before? Ann: No. Mom: You mean this is the first time you play this piece? Ann: Yes.You think I've played it before? Mom: Yes. Ann: Then my ability to play music at a glance must have improved, even my teacher noticed it. Mom: Definitely. Ann continued to play the piano enthusiastically, and Ann's mother deliberately asked these questions to strengthen her daughter's confidence in her musical ability. Instead, criticism will simply kill your child's motivation. Michael is ten years old and has been learning the violin for over a year.His parents love to criticize and sarcasm, and after each class they have to comment on his progress.When he practiced a new piece, slowly and with many mistakes, his father would yell, "Can't you make fewer mistakes? Don't make up your own tunes! Follow the sheet music!" The result Not surprisingly, Michael stopped playing the violin. To master the skill of playing an instrument, children need praise for their efforts, not criticism for their mistakes.Mistakes are correctable and not a reason to criticize your child's abilities.When children refuse to go to music lessons, many parents will explain to their children, and even threaten.Below are some more effective methods to choose from. Marcia (age eight): I don't want to take violin lessons anymore.The teacher hopes that I can play every piece perfectly, but I can't. Mom: The violin is a very difficult instrument to learn and not easy to play. Not everyone can play the violin. To master it requires a strong will. Marcia: Can you stay with me while I practice? Mom: Of course I can stay with you if you want me to. The mother deliberately did not contradict or threaten. She did not tell her daughter what to do: "If you practice more, you will play better." She understood the difficulty of the task and offered the child symbolic help.This approach seemed to provide Marcia with the encouragement she needed to continue her music lessons. Larry was ten years old and kept complaining about his music teacher.Instead of trying to change his mind, his mom acknowledged Larry's antipathy, offering him some options: Larry: My piano teacher demands too much from me and she talks too much. I ask a question and she gives me a lesson. Mom: Have you ever thought about taking a vacation and not going to piano lessons for a while?During your vacation, I can find another piano teacher. Larry (startled): You want to cancel my music lessons?Music is so important to me, I will never give up. Mom: Yes, I can hear how much you value your music lessons. Larry: Maybe the teacher wasn't so bad, I really learned a lot from her, I think I should give her another chance. Larry's mom made Larry change his mind on his own because she didn't argue with him about his complaints.When parents respect their children's feelings and ideas, children take their parents' wishes into account. Sonia (11 years old): I don't want to take piano lessons anymore, it's a waste of time and money, I want to take tennis lessons. Father: Do you have to choose one of the two? Sonia: If I keep taking piano lessons, you're bound to keep nagging me to practice, and I want to avoid arguments. Father: I'll try hard not to nag you, and I'll trust you with your own practice schedule. The father and daughter didn't say anything more, and Sonia started her tennis lessons, and she didn't give up her piano lessons at the same time. Some parents, remembering that they too were forced to take music lessons, decided not to subject their children to the same experience, concluding that it was not their parent's problem, but the child's, whether their child wanted to play an instrument.Let the children decide whether to practice or not, according to their own wishes, when they want to practice, only the tuition fee remains the responsibility of the parents, and practicing the instrument should be regarded as the responsibility of the child himself. And some parents, remembering the regret of their overindulgence in learning music, decide that no matter what happens, their child will play music.Even before the baby was born, they had the instrument ready for her.Once she can hold the violin, play the trumpet, and tap on the piano, she will start practicing on the predetermined instrument.The child's tears and anger are ignored, and her resistance is suppressed.The parents' words are loud and clear: "We pay, you play." In such cases, the child may or may not make musical progress, but the cost of the entire program can be high.If the consequences include disrupting the relationship between parent and child in the long run, the price is too great. The main purpose of music education in childhood is to provide an effective outlet for emotions.A child's life is filled with all kinds of constraints, controls, and frustrations, so outlets are essential.Music is one of the best ways to relax. It can express your anger, express your joy, and let your tense emotions relax. Parents and teachers do not usually see the use of music in this light, and most of them seek the technique of reproducing beautiful melodies.In this case, it will inevitably involve evaluation and criticism of the child's performance and personality.Unfortunately, most outcomes are usually very similar: the child tries to drop lessons, avoid the teacher, and discontinue the musical "career."In many homes, a disused violin, a piano no longer played, or a silent flute become painful memories of thwarted efforts and unfulfilled hopes. What can parents do?It is the parent's job to find a teacher who is gracious and caring, one who understands their child like they understand music.The teacher holds the key to a child's continued interest in music. The teacher can open and close the door of opportunity.The most critical task of the teacher is to gain the respect and confidence of the child.If the teacher cannot do this, he is incapable of instructing: a child cannot learn to love music from a teacher he dislikes.And the emotional tone of the teacher resonates more with the child than the teacher's instrument. To prevent avoidable trouble, teachers, parents, and children should discuss—and agree—a few ground rules. Here are some examples: 1. The class cannot be canceled unless the teacher is notified at least one day before the appointed time. 2. If the agreed class has to be canceled, let the child call the teacher instead of the parents. 3. Provide children with practical leeway in choosing the time and speed of music practice. These rules discourage emotional last-minute cancellations, which promote a sense of independence and responsibility, while also showing children that we value music more than feelings and thoughts. You should not nag your child about practice.There is no need to remind children how expensive instruments are or how hard their fathers work to make money. Such words will only make children feel guilty and resentful, and will neither increase children's sensitivity to music nor their interest in music. Parents should avoid predicting their child's "great" musical talent, as it can be very frustrating to say: "You have extraordinary talents, if you will use them." Leigh Jo." Children may feel that the best way to sustain their parents' fantasies is not to test them.A child's motto might become: "If I don't try, I won't let my parents down." A child is most encouraged when he or she knows difficulties are understood.In her third piano lesson, six-year-old Roselyn had to try a new technique: playing an eight-note scale with two hands, and the teacher demonstrated it to her with great proficiency, saying, "Look, it's easy. Now you try." Roslyn reluctantly, awkwardly, tried to imitate the teacher, but was unsuccessful, and when the lesson was over, Roslyn came home feeling very discouraged. During practice time, her mother, unlike the teacher, said, "It's hard to play an eight-note scale with one hand, but it's even harder with two hands." Roslyn readily agreed.At the piano, she slowly played the correct notes with the correct fingers.Mom said, "I can hear the right notes, I can see the right fingers." Her daughter, obviously very satisfied, replied, "It's really hard." Roslyn kept practicing that day, exceeding the original agreement time.During this week, she set herself harder tasks, and she was not satisfied until she learned to play the octave blindfolded.Compassionate understanding is more likely to encourage children when they face difficulties than opinions, praise, or ready-made, instant solutions.