Chapter 34 State feelings and thoughts without criticism

In times of trouble, it is far more effective for parents to express their feelings and thoughts without attacking their children's character and dignity.Beginning with the personal pronoun "I" allows parents to express their anger and describe their child's unacceptable behavior without abusing or belittling the child.Here's an example: "I'm so angry that I keep asking to turn down the volume on the stereo and my son doesn't hear it. I feel sad." When parents listen to their children with sensitivity, try to understand their child's point of view, stop saying harsh words, and reflect their children's feelings and needs without insults, when parents do this, children begin to change inside.An atmosphere of sympathy draws children closer to their parents: they notice and imitate their fair, considerate, and polite attitudes.These changes don't happen overnight, but the hard work will eventually pay off.

In adopting such attitudes and practices, parents have accomplished more than half the task of educating their children about responsibility.However, role models alone are not enough.The acquisition of a child's sense of responsibility depends on his or her own efforts and practice. When the role model of parents creates a good learning attitude and atmosphere, specific experiences will consolidate the children's learning achievements and make them part of the child's character.Therefore, it is important to give specific tasks that are suitable for children according to their different levels of mental maturity.

In most families, when children cause trouble, it is always the parents who find a solution.If you want children to grow up, become mature and rational, they should be given opportunities to solve their own troubles.The following is an example of this. Phil's teacher took the class on a weekend ski trip. When sixteen-year-old Phil arrived at the bus station, his teacher refused to let him join the class for the five-hour trip because he forgot to bring his parents' permission form. .Phil was so mad that when he got home he said to his mother, "Mom, if you don't drive me to Vermont, you're going to lose the hundred dollars you paid for it."

"Phil," Mom replied, "I know how much you want to go, and I wish I could help you, but you know it's impossible for me to drive you." "What should I do?" Phil muttered. "Ever thought about taking the bus?" Mom suggested. "No, because I have to change trains a lot," Phil replied. "I see, you have decided not to take the bus." Mom said calmly. Phil then mumbled for a few more minutes about how unlucky he felt, before he left the room.When he came back, he said he had found a bus that would take him directly to the mountains without a transfer.

As they drove to the bus stop, Phil told his mother that he was very angry with the teacher when he heard the teacher say to him, "Well, it's not our fault you forgot to bring the consent form", and he went on to say: "I'm grown up, you know how I answered her? 'I'm not interested in finding faults, I'm interested in solutions.'" "Well," said his mother, "it's no use blaming when you're having a problem." This mom's communication skills helped her son channel his emotions into problem-solving, and as a result, he didn't waste time blaming and self-blaming.Although he initially hoped that his mother would help him out, after being encouraged, he found a way to get where he wanted to be.Phil's mother helped Phil find solutions to difficult problems and made him feel capable and responsible.