Chapter 32 Mapping a child's feelings

Have you ever looked at a distorting mirror in an amusement park and saw yourself exaggerated and deformed in the mirror?How did that make you feel?It may not be very comfortable.You smile though, because you know it's just a distorted image, you don't really look like that. But assuming this is the only image of yourself you've ever seen, you might believe that the deformed person in the mirror is the real you.If it was the only image of yourself you ever saw, you wouldn't doubt the mirror. Children also have no reason to doubt the reflection of themselves from their parents. They accept their parents' evaluation, even if it is negative. Responsibility, and being obnoxious and so on.Statements like: "You look terrible," or "You never do anything right," or "You're so clumsy," etc., will never help a child feel beautiful, competent, or elegant.Many parents say that their children are stupid, lazy, and deceitful, but they hope that such evaluations will inspire their children to become smart, hardworking, and honest people.

Negative parental reflections can easily distort a child's self-image. On a TV show about kids, twelve-year-old Ted asked me, "Is my dad right when he says I'm lazy, wild, and stupid? I don't think I'm like that." "Tell me, if your father said you were a millionaire, would you believe him?" I asked. "No, I know I only have seventeen dollars in the bank, and that's not a millionaire. Oh, I see, he said I was bad, but just because he said that doesn't mean I'm really bad." Bad," Ted replied. "Just like you know how much money you have, you also know who you are, don't care what people say to you, even your father. Because your father said you like that, and your father is you Loved and respected, so it's a little harder for you to be convinced that you're not who he describes you as." I repeated this point to Ted.Negative evaluation—even when the intention may be to correct some of the child's shortcomings—can burden the child for life.

A few years ago, the famous cellist and humanitarian Pablo Casao spoke about children and the importance of making them feel special.He said: "It is not enough for children to know that two plus two equals four. Parents should tell their children: 'You are a genius! You are a miracle! There has never been a child like you in this world, and there never will be! '" Some kids are lucky enough to have parents who agree with Pablo Casao and know how to help their kids feel special. Ten-year-old Edith and her mother were shopping in a department store. Suddenly, they heard the cry of a little boy. The little boy seemed lost. After a while, the security guard found the little boy and helped him find his mother. .

Edith looked sad that night and said to her mother: "I was thinking how scared that little boy was when he found out he couldn't find his mother." Edith's mother's first The idea was to comfort her daughter: "Oh, don't worry, they may find his mother soon." However, instead of saying that, she decided to take this opportunity to enlighten Edith's sense of humanity. Mom: Edith, you really care about that lost little boy. Edith: I keep thinking how sad he looks. Mom: You showed genuine empathy, you seemed to sense the little boy's fear. Edith: Geez, Mom, it never occurred to me that there was anything special about me.