Chapter 23 Dealing with Dishonesty: An Ounce of Prevention Is Worth a Ton of Investigation

Our policy on dealing with lies is clear: On the one hand, we should not play prosecutors, ask children to confess, and exaggerate the truth to make matters worse.On the other hand, don't turn corners when speaking, but tell the truth.When we find out that a book our child borrowed from the library is overdue, we shouldn’t be asking: “Did you return the book? Are you sure? So why is it still on your desk?” We should just say:” I see that your library loan is overdue." When a school informs us that our child has failed a math test, we shouldn't be asking, "Did you pass your math test? ... Are you sure? ... Well, lies won't help you this time! We already talked to your teacher Yes, we know you did terribly."

We should just tell our kids: "The math teacher told us you failed the test. We're worried and don't know how to help you." In short, we cannot inspire children to lie defensively, and we cannot intentionally create opportunities for children to lie.When a child tells a lie, our response should not be hysterical or didactic, but realistic and matter-of-fact.We want our children to know that there is no need to lie to us. Another way parents can prevent their children from lying is to avoid asking "why."In the past, "why" was an interrogation term in a sense that had long been lost, but was corrupted as a term of criticism.For children, "why" means parental disapproval, disappointment, and displeasure, which leads to memories of past blame.Even a simple "Why did you do that?" can lead a child to think "Why would you do something so stupid?"

Wise parents should avoid hurtful questions such as: "Why are you so selfish?" "Why do you always forget what I told you?" "Why are you never on time?" "Why are you so disorganized?" "Why can't you shut up?" Instead of asking rhetorical questions without answers, we should make sympathetic statements: "John would be delighted if you could share it with him." "Some things are hard to remember." "I worry when you're late." "What steps can you take to get more organized at work?"

"You have a lot of ideas."