Chapter 19 Promises: Why Unrealistic Expectations Create Anxiety For Everyone

You can neither make promises to your children nor ask them to make promises.Why prohibit promises?Our relationship with our children should be based on mutual trust.When parents use promises to emphasize the meaning of what they say, it is tantamount to admitting that words that were "not promised" cannot be trusted.Promises create unrealistic expectations for children.If a child gets a promise to play at the zoo, she takes it as a promise: It won't rain that day, the car will be in the garage, and she won't get sick.However, because life cannot be without accidents, if accidents happen, children will feel cheated and believe that their parents cannot be trusted.I'm sure all parents are familiar with the merciless complaint "But you promised!" Parents wish they hadn't promised anything, but it's too late to regret it.

Nor should parents demand from their children pledges for future good behavior, or for cessation of past misbehavior.If the child makes a pledge, but it doesn't come from the heart, it's like she's writing an unaccounted check at the bank.We should not encourage such deceptive behavior.