Chapter 18 Bribing: Rethinking the "if...then" fallacy

An equally self-destructive approach is to explicitly tell the child that if he does or stops doing something, then he will be rewarded in some way: "If you're nice to your brother, I'll take you to the movies." "If you stop wetting the bed, I'll give you a bike for Christmas." "If you learn this poem, I will take you on a voyage." This "if...then" approach may occasionally motivate a child to work toward an immediate goal, but it rarely, if ever, encourages a child to keep trying.Every word we say to our children is a message of doubt about their ability to be good. "If you learn the poem", means to say "we're not sure you can". "If you stop wetting the bed" means, "We think you can control yourself, but you don't want to."

There are several moral objections to such bribery rewards.Some children make mistakes on purpose so that their parents can reward them for being better.Such reasoning can quickly lead to haggling and blackmail, and even an increasing demand for rewards and benefits in exchange for "good" behavior from you.Some parents are so used to their children's demands that at the end of a shopping trip, they dare not go home without a gift for their child.The child greeted them not with "Hello" but with "What did you bring me?" Rewards can be very rewarding and enjoyable if they are not announced in advance, if they are a surprise, and if they represent acknowledgment and gratitude.