Chapter 15 Responding to an Angry Child: The Method That Matters

Reasoning doesn't help when a child is restless.When they are angry, only emotional comfort can they listen to. A brother and sister were playing in the basement when suddenly there was the sound of something being destroyed, followed by shouts and accusations.Six-year-old Billy came up the stairs, flushed with anger, and as soon as he came up, he blurted out: "Betsy knocked my fort down." Must be very angry." "I am very angry." He turned around and went back to play. For the first time, Billy's mother tried not to get involved in the children's daily squabbles.She didn't ask the most damaging question: "Who caused it first?" That saved her son from telling the story and demanding revenge.By authentically reflecting her son's inner emotions, she avoids becoming the children's unflattering role of judge, prosecutor, and law enforcement officer.

In the following instance, a mother's sympathetic comment draws a fine line between peace and war.Nine-year-old David didn't want to go to the dentist. He got angry and angered his older sister Tina. She said to him: "Oh, David, grow up!" David became more angry and his behavior became more disturbing. Hate. Her mother said to Tina, "David was very upset today and he was worried about going to the dentist. Now he needs all of us." As if by magic, David immediately calmed down and he went to the dentist. No more complaining.Mom's response was directed at David's irritability rather than his annoying behavior, which made David feel more relaxed and therefore less annoying.

In this small incident, the two methods of helping children calm their anger and suffering frustration are in contrast, one is to make the anger more prosperous, and the other is to eliminate the anger. Tom and his friend Jim, both three years old, are playing with a toy xylophone.Jim's hammer jammed and wept angrily.His mother warned him, "You have no reason to cry and scream, and I won't give you the hammer unless you stop screaming." Jim continued to cry, so his mother took the toy away.This time, Jim lost his temper, and the scene was quite spectacular. In contrast to Jim's example, Tom's hammer got stuck, and he too cried, and his mother said to him, "You're crying because the hammer is stuck, and we need to fix it." Crying stopped.Now, whenever the hammer got stuck, Tom didn't cry anymore, but took it for his mother to fix.

Jim's mother used name-calling, threats, blame, and punishment, while Tom's mother pointed out the problem and then gave suggestions to solve it. Miriam was twelve years old, and after returning from the theater, she was in a bad mood and angry: Mom: You don't seem happy going up there. Miriam: I'm so angry!I sat so far back that I couldn't see anything at all. Mom: No wonder you're upset, it's no fun sitting so far back. Miriam: Of course not.And, there was this tall guy sitting right in front of me. Mom: That's even worse, sitting in the back all the time, and there's a tall guy standing in front of you!That was bad enough!

Miriam: It's bad enough. What was helpful about Miriam's mother's answer was that she didn't criticize Miriam or offer advice, but accepted her daughter's emotions.She wasn't asking any useless questions like "Why didn't you get a better seat sooner?" or "Can't you ask that tall guy to change seats with you?" She was focusing on helping her daughter deal with her anger Emotions. An empathetic parental response that directly reflects the child's distress, expressing parental sympathy and understanding, can be very effective in changing a child's anger.

Putting words on paper can also be a powerful tool for repairing hurt feelings after losing your temper.Whether it is a parent or a child, we encourage them to write down their feelings and thoughts. One night, thirteen-year-old Trudy yelled at her mother, accusing her of entering her room, opening her drawers, and flipping through her diary.When she discovered that her suspicions were baseless, Trudy decided to write to her mom to apologize: Trudy's mother was upset when she read the text, realizing it had shattered Trudy's positive view of herself.She found time to write a letter to Trudy to help her love herself again:

This mom assures her daughter that being angry doesn't change a person's love for herself, or someone else's love for her.Her approach is undoubtedly beneficial. When children get angry because their parents don't listen to their reasons, they often write their reasons down. A father narrated the following.At his house, the kids have vouchers that they can use to buy extra time before bed at night.One night, ten-year-old Peter tried to buy some time, but the voucher was lost.His father refused to cash in a non-existent exchange note.Disappointed, Peter became angry and left the room exclaiming, "But you did give me the voucher!" When Peter's father returned to his bedroom that night, he saw the following letter:

When Dad reads the letter, he realizes that Peter offers a way to mend their damaged relationship.At the same time, it gave him an opportunity to experiment with an important principle of children's education.Boost your child's self-esteem whenever possible.So he wrote the following letter: