Chapter 13 How to deal with our own anger

In our own childhoods, we were not told how to deal with life's inevitable anger.We’ve been taught to feel guilty about our anger, to have a sense of guilt in expressing it.We believe that anger is bad, that anger is not just bad behavior, it is a felony.We try to be patient with our own children, and in fact, if we hold it in for too long, sooner or later we are bound to explode.We worry that our anger will hurt our children, so we hold it in, like a diver holding his breath.But in both cases the endurance is quite limited. Anger, like the common cold, is a recurring nuisance.We may not like it, but we cannot ignore it.We may know it all too well, but we can't stop it from happening.The consequences and situations of anger are predictable, but it always seems sudden and unexpected.And, while the anger may not last long, it seemed at the time that it would be endless.

When we're angry, we act like we're completely out of our minds, hesitating in everything we say and do to our children, even when we're hitting our enemies.We yell, name-call, lash out.When this is over, we feel guilty, and we solemnly decide not to repeat such behavior in the future.But anger will inevitably strike again, undermining our good intentions.Once again we are savagely attacking those whose happiness we would give our lives and treasures. And the resolution to try not to be angry is not only useless, it's even worse.The result of doing so can only add fuel to the fire.Anger is like a hurricane, it's a part of life and you have to admit it and be prepared for it.A peaceful home, like a hoped-for peaceful world, depends not on sudden good changes in human nature, but on well-planned procedures that systematically reduce tension before it erupts.

Mentally healthy parents are not saints. They recognize their anger and value it. They use it as a resource of information and a sign that they care about their children.Their words match their feelings, and they don't hide their emotions.Here's an example of how a mother can encourage cooperation when she unleashes her anger, rather than abusing or humiliating her daughter. Jane is eleven years old and comes home screaming, "I can't play baseball, I don't have a shirt!" Her mom can give her daughter one actionable piece of advice: "Wear that baggy top." Or, if you want to help, She could have helped Jane find a shirt, but instead of doing that, Jane's mom decided to say what she really thought: "I'm mad, I'm really mad. I bought you six baseball shirts and you didn't Misplaced is lost. Your shirts should be in your drawer so you know where to find them when you need them.”

Jane's mother expressed her anger, but did not abuse her daughter.She later said: "I didn't once bring up past complaints, I didn't bring up old scores, I didn't mention my daughter's name, I didn't say she was disorganized, I didn't say she was irresponsible. I just described How I feel, and what to do in the future to avoid unhappiness." Jane's mother's words helped Jane figure out a solution on her own.She immediately ran to friends' houses and gym locker rooms to find misplaced shirts. Parental anger can also play a role in the education of children.In fact, at some point, not being angry does not benefit the child, but instead gives the child a feeling of indifference, because it is difficult for those who care about the child to not be angry all the time.But this does not mean that children can withstand anger and violence, it just means that children can understand such anger: "My patience has a limit."

Anger is a costly emotion for parents, and for what it's worth, it's better not to get angry casually if it's not beneficial.Anger should not invite more words, and medicine should not be worse than disease.Anger should be expressed in a way that brings some relief and relief to the parent and enlightenment to the child, and should have no side effects on either party.Therefore, we should not berate our children in front of their friends, which only makes their behavior worse, which makes us more angry.We do not want to cause or prolong anger, defiance, retaliation, and revenge.Instead, we want our children to understand our point of view and let the cloud clear.