Chapter 12 Consistent Communication: Match Words to Mood

The child will be irritable and angry.We try hard to be patient and understanding.But we still inevitably lose our temper, maybe to the children's room: "You don't even deserve to live in a pigsty!" Then we regret it so much that we try to apologize: "I didn't mean that, you fit in." Live in a pigsty." We believe that patience is a virtue, but is it really?If it requires us to feign calm when we are angry, to be inconsistent with our words and actions, and to act in ways that hide our true feelings rather than reflect them, then, in such circumstances, patience is not a virtue.

Growing up, we were taught not to show our true emotions, and we take a lot of pride when we keep our cool in the midst of serious turmoil.Some people call this patience. But what a child needs and appreciates from a parent is a response that fits the mood.They want to hear words that reflect their parents' true feelings. It is not uncommon for a child, in defense of himself, to utter the most powerful rebuke, "You don't love me," when the parent is angry. "But of course I love you!" the parent yells angrily, making the mood and words inconsistent and unable to convince the child.Parents don't feel loved when they are angry.The child carried out "love", sent the parents to the dock, and very cleverly shifted the focus of the quarrel from him to the parents.

Only those parents who agree that they don’t feel loved when they’re angry respond to their children’s accusations, rather than defending them: “This isn’t the time to talk about love, it’s the time to talk about what makes me so angry.” The angrier the parents, the more reassurance the child will demand, but expressing love in an angry tone is not comforting, it does not make the child feel loved, it only confuses him because what he hears is not full of love. Words of love, but anger conveyed in a hoarse voice.What is more useful to the child is to let him know that the anger of his parents will not bring about the consequences of being abandoned.The feeling of being out of love is only temporary, and once the anger subsides, the love will naturally return.