Chapter 10 When something goes wrong: respond, not react

In many families there is a regular, predictable sequence of violent arguments between parents and children.The child does something wrong, or says something wrong, and the parent responds with disrespect and insult.The child responded with worse words and deeds.The parents fight back again, threatening loudly, or punishing violently. One morning, at breakfast time, seven-year-old Nathaniel was playing with an empty glass while his father read the newspaper. Father: You will break it.You break things all the time. Nathaniel: No, I won't break it. Just then, the cup fell to the ground and broke.

Father: Just cry loudly.What a fool you are, you broke everything in the house. Nathaniel: You're an idiot too, you broke Mom's best plate. Father: You call your father an idiot?You are so rude! Nathaniel: You're not polite either, you called me an idiot first. Father: You are not allowed to speak again!Get up now and go back to your own room! Nathaniel: Come on!Force me! This direct challenge to his authority enraged the father, who grabbed his son and hit him hard.While trying to break free, Nathaniel pushed his father against a glass door, which shattered and cut his father's hand.Seeing the blood, Nathaniel panicked and ran out, only to return late at night.The whole family was distraught and no one was able to sleep well that night.

Whether Nathaniel learned to stop playing with the empty cup was more important to him than the negative lessons he learned about himself and his father.The question is, is this war inevitable?Can it be avoided?Or can there be a smarter way to handle events like this? Seeing his son playing with a cup, a father can take the cup away and give him something more suitable for playing with, such as a ball.Or when the cup breaks, he can help his son dispose of the glass shards, and say something like "Cups are easy to break, have you ever thought that such a small cup can make such a mess?"

Nathaniel would be surprised by such kind words, and might feel apologetic and atoning for his troubles.Without yelling, without slapping, he might even think in his head and come to the conclusion for himself: Cups are not for playing with. Little accident, big value.From small accidents, children can learn valuable lessons.Children need to learn from their parents to distinguish what is merely unpleasant and annoying from tragedy and disaster.Many parents react to a broken egg like a broken leg, or a broken window like a broken heart.For some small things, parents should point it out to their children like this: "You lost your gloves again. It's not good, it's a pity, but it's not a big disaster, it's just a small accident."

Losing a glove requires no tantrums, a shirt is torn, and no need for a child to do it himself, as in a Greek tragedy. On the contrary, when minor accidents happen, it is a good time to teach children values.Eight-year-old Diana lost her birthstone from her ring and wept bitterly. Her father looked at her and said calmly and firmly: "In our family, the birthstone is not that important. It is important It's people, it's mood, anyone can lose a birthstone, but birthstones can be replaced. Your feelings are all I care about. You do like that ring. I hope you find the right birthstone."

Parental criticism is not good for children, it can only lead to anger and resentment.And what is worse, if children are constantly criticized, they learn to condemn themselves and others; Eleven-year-old Justin promised to wash the family's car, but he forgot.Finally he remembered, tried to do a good job, but it was too late, not done. Father: Son, this car still needs to be washed, especially the roof and the left side.when can you do it Justin: I can wash tonight, Dad. Father: Thank you. Instead of criticizing Justin, Justin's father told him the truth without being disrespectful or demeaning, which allowed Justin to do his job without getting mad at his father.Imagine how Justin would have reacted differently if his father had criticized him and tried to educate him?

Father: Did you wash the car? Justin: Wash it, Dad. Father: Are you sure? Justin: I'm sure. Father: You actually said you washed it?You're just perfunctory, you always have been.You just want to play, do you think you can live like this for the rest of your life?If you work, you are still so sloppy, you can't even work for a day.You are irresponsible, that is who you are! Barbara was nine years old, and her mother didn't know how to answer her daughter without criticism. One day, Barbara came home from school and complained excitedly, "I've had all kinds of bad luck today. My book fell into a puddle, the boys kept teasing me, and my sneakers were stolen." stole." Instead of sympathizing with her daughter, her mother advised her and criticized her: "Why did everything happen to you? Why can't you be like other kids? What's wrong with you?" Barbara cried stand up.How can I make Barbara feel better?Give her a sympathetic acknowledgment of her bad day: "Oh honey, you must have had a terrible day!"