Chapter 8 Chapter 2 The Power of Words: A Better Way to Encourage and Mentor

Sometimes a child's misbehavior occurs in completely unexpected situations. It was Monday morning after the Thanksgiving weekend, and the family was driving home from Pittsburgh to New York.In the back seat of the car, six-year-old Ivan sat there quietly, lost in thought, like an angel.His mother thought to herself that he should be praised.As they drove into the Lincoln Tunnel, she turned to Ivan and said, "Ivan, you're such a good boy, you're such a good boy, I'm so proud of you." After a while, Ivan took out an ashtray and threw the contents at his parents one by one. The ashes and cigarette butts kept being thrown over like atomic dust.The traffic was heavy, and the whole family was stuck in the tunnel, choking on soot and unable to breathe.Ivan's mother wanted to kill him, but what upset her the most was that she had just praised him.She asked herself: Is praise no longer useful for children?

A few weeks later, Ivan himself revealed why he did what he did.On the way home, he kept thinking about how to get rid of his younger brother, who was leaning between mom and dad.Finally it occurred to him that if the car snapped in the middle, his mom and dad would be fine, but his brother would be cut in half.At this moment, his mother praised him for being good, and such a compliment made him feel very ashamed, so he desperately showed that he didn't deserve that compliment.He looked around, saw the ashtray, and the next thing happened immediately. Is it good to praise? Most people believe that praise builds children's self-confidence and makes them feel secure.But, in reality, compliments can lead to nervousness and misbehavior.why?Many children often have destructive wishes directed at family members, and when a parent tells a child, "You're such a nice boy," he may not accept it because he thinks of himself completely differently.In his own mind, he wasn't a "good boy" who wished his mother had disappeared, or that his brother would spend the next week in the hospital.In fact, the more compliments, the more likely his misbehavior is because he wants to show his "true self".Parents often say that right after they praise their children for being good, they start to go wild, as if to counter the praise.Misbehaving may be a way for children to express their reservations about their public image.

If a child is praised for being smart, then he is likely to be less willing to take on challenging academic tasks, which is not unusual because they don't want to risk losing high grades.Conversely, children are more likely to persevere in difficult tasks if they are praised for their efforts. Praise, like penicillin, must not be used indiscriminately.There are certain standards for the use of strong drugs, and caution is required. The standards include time and dosage, and caution is required because it may cause allergic reactions.The same rules apply to the administration of psychotropic drugs.The most important rule is: Praise children only for their efforts and achievements, not for their character and personality.

When a child cleans the yard, it's only common and natural to comment on how hard he's worked, or how great the yard looks, and compliments about what a nice person he is are almost irrelevant and inappropriate.Words of praise should allow a child to see his grades as they really are, not a distortion of his character. Here's an example of a satisfying compliment: Eight-year-old Julie has worked hard to clean up the yard, raking the leaves, removing the trash, and rearranging the tools.Mom was very moved and expressed her gratitude and appreciation for her efforts and achievements:

Mom: The yard is so dirty, I don't believe it can be cleaned up in one day. Julie: I did it! Mom: The yard used to be full of leaves and trash and stuff. Julie: I cleaned them all up. Mom: It must have taken a lot of effort for you! Julie: Yeah, I did struggle a lot. Mom: The yard is so clean now, I am happy to see it. Julie: It's beautiful now. Mom: Your happy smile tells me you're proud, thank you honey. Julie (bright smile): You're welcome. Julie's mother's words made Julie feel happy for her labor and proud of her achievements.In the evenings, she waited impatiently for her father to come back, just to show him the clean yard and renew her pride in a job well done.

On the contrary, the following compliments on a child's character are unhelpful: "You are such a good daughter." "You are really a good helper for mother." "What would Mom do without you?" Such comments can scare and make children feel uneasy.She may feel that she is far from being a good daughter, not worthy of such a title.So instead of restlessly waiting to be exposed as a liar, she may decide to lighten her load right away and confess to being misbehaving.Direct compliments of character are like direct sunlight, uncomfortable and harsh.It is embarrassing when a person is told that he is wonderful, angelic, generous, and courteous.She felt the need to deny at least some of the compliments.In public, she can't stand up and say, "Thank you, I accept your compliment, I'm great." In private, she can't say that either, so she has to say no to such compliments.She couldn't honestly say to herself, "I'm great," "I'm good," "I'm strong," "I'm generous," or "I'm humble."She might not just be against the compliments, she might well have bad thoughts about the people who complimented her: If they think I'm so great, then they must not be very smart.

Praise consists of two parts: what we say to our children, and what the children say to themselves in their hearts after hearing our words. Our words should make it clear that we like and appreciate their efforts, help, work, understanding, creation or achievement.Our words should give the child a realistic view of his own character.Our words should be like a magical canvas, one that does not help children, but allows them to paint a positive portrait of themselves. Eight-year-old Kenny helps his father repair the basement, moving a heavy piece of furniture during the process: Father: The workbench is very heavy and it is difficult to move it.

Kenny (proudly): But I moved. Father: That takes a lot of strength. Kenny (bending his arms to show his muscles): I'm strong. In the example above, Kenny's father just made an assessment of the difficulty of the job, and it was Kenny who drew his own conclusions about his personal strength.If his father had said, "Son, you're strong," Kenny might have replied, "No, I'm not. There are plenty of boys in my class who are stronger than me." A fruitless -- though not necessarily painful -- argument. We often praise our children when we want them to feel better.But why does she deny it when we say "you're beautiful" to our daughter?Why does our son walk away in embarrassment when we say "you're so smart"?Are our kids so hard to please that even praise doesn't work?of course not.The most likely reason: Our children, like most people, don't know how to respond to compliments on their character, body, or spirit.Children don't like being judged.

How would we feel if, at the end of each month, we were rated by someone who professed to love us? "If you got an A, I'll give you a kiss. If you got a B, I'll give you a hug. And if you got an A+, I'll love you." We feel upset and depressed instead of feeling loved of. A better method is: the expression should be full of joy and appreciation, and the words should convey the recognition, respect and understanding of the child's efforts. Thirteen-year-old Joan was home alone at night when a thief tried to break in. Joan called the neighbors, but no one answered, so she called the police.

When her parents returned home, they found a policeman giving Joanne a statement.Both mum and dad were impressed with Joan's mature and sensible approach to the horrific incident. But instead of admiring her for being a remarkable child, or saying how mature she was, they talked to her at length about the situation and expressed their great admiration for the effective measures she had taken. Joan's father said to her: "Your actions fit Hemingway's definition of courage: 'demeanor under pressure.' To see a thirteen-year-old able to remain calm in an emergency and take the necessary steps to protect himself: call To the neighbors and then to the police, giving the police the necessary details. How admirable! My mother and I have a lot of admiration for you."

Joan listened to him, started to relax, got a big smile on her face, and said, "I guess you could say I'm learning how to deal with life." Because of her parents' reaction, Joan didn't complain about being left alone.Instead, she came out of the horrific event with increased self-confidence. Here's another example: Lester's mother spends the afternoon watching her son play rugby.After the game, she wished to tell her son how much she admired his skills and achievements, and she detailed the scene that impressed her: "It was a pleasure watching you play rugby this afternoon, especially in the last ten minutes when you saw a Chances to score, you run from the defensive position all the way to the other end of the field and score the winning goal, you must be so proud!" She added "you must be so proud" because she wanted him to develop an inner sense of pride. A father was raking leaves and had his six-year-old daughter Jennifer come over to help pile them up.When they finished, father pointed to the pile of leaves and said, "One, two, three, four, five, six! Six piles in half an hour! How can you do it so fast?" In the evening, Jennifer said to her father After saying goodnight, she begged, "Dad, can you tell me again about my pile of leaves?" It takes a bit of effort to be explicit and detailed when compliments are given, but children benefit from the information and appreciation far more effectively than those that are written about character. George's mother left a note on her son's guitar: "I enjoyed your playing." Her son was very happy when he saw it, "Thank you for saying what a great player I am." Interpret mom's thanks as a compliment to him. Compliments can also be discouraging at times, depending on what the child thinks of the compliment. Linda was twelve years old, and her video game reached the third level. Her father cheered: "You are awesome! You have perfect coordination! You are an expert player." Linda lost interest and walked away up.Her father's compliment made it difficult for her to continue, because she said to herself, "Dad thinks I'm a good player, but I'm not an expert. I got to level three by luck. If I try again, I won't even get to level two." We can't make it, better quit while I'm ahead." It would have been a lot better if her father had simply said, "It must be nice to reach a new level." Helpful compliment: Thanks for washing the car, it looks like new again. Possible inferences: I'm doing a good job and my work is appreciated. (Unhelpful compliment: you're an angel.) Helpful compliment: I love your well wishes card, it's beautiful and funny. Possible inference: I have good taste and I can trust my choices. (Unhelpful compliment: you are always so thoughtful.) Helpful Compliments: Your poem has spoken to my heart. Possible inference: I'm glad I can write poetry. (Useless compliment: you're a pretty good poet for your age.) Helpful Compliment: Your bookshelf looks beautiful. Possible inference: I am competent. (Unhelpful compliment: you're such a good carpenter.) Helpful Compliments: Your letter brings me great joy. Possible corollary: I can bring happiness to others. (Unhelpful compliment: your writing is excellent.) Helpful Compliment: I really appreciate you doing the dishes today. Possible inference: I am responsible. (Unhelpful compliment: you're doing better than everyone else.) Helpful Compliment: Thank you for telling me I overpaid you, thank you so much. Possible inference: I'm glad I'm being honest. (Unhelpful compliment: you are such an honest kid.) Helpful compliment: Your composition has several new ideas. Possible corollary: I can also be creative. (Unhelpful compliment: You write well for your grade, but of course you still have a lot to learn.) Such descriptive statements and the positive conclusions children draw from them are the cornerstone of mental health.Children draw conclusions about themselves from our words and silently reiterate them to themselves afterwards.A child's internal repetition of realistic, positive statements goes a long way towards developing a positive view of themselves and the world around them.