Chapter 5 Principles of Conversation: Understanding and Empathy

When a child speaks or asks about an event, the best response is usually not to the event itself, but to the connection it implies. Six-year-old Flora complained that she had recently received fewer presents than her brother's. Her mother did not deny her complaint, nor did she explain to Flora that her brother was older and should receive more presents. Nor did she promise to correct the mistake.She knows that what children really care about is the depth of their relationship with their parents, not the size and number of gifts.Flora's mother said, "Are you worried that I love you as much as I love him?" She didn't say another word, but hugged Flora tightly, and Flora smiled pleasantly.That's the end of a conversation that could have turned into an endless debate.

The real intent of many children's problems is their desire for reassurance.The best answer to such a question is to assure our children of our undying love for them. When a child brings up an event, it is often more effective to respond not to the event itself, but to how the child feels about the event.Seven-year-old Gloria came home in a bad mood.She told her father how her friend Dolly had been pushed off the sidewalk and into a rain-filled ditch.Instead of asking about the details of the incident or threatening to punish the person who offended Dolly, her father responded to her daughter's feelings by saying, "This must have made you very uncomfortable. The boys were pissed off about it, and now you're still mad at them."

To these words, Gloria replied with deep emotion, "Yes!" When her father said, "Are you worried that they will do the same to you?" Gloria replied firmly, "Let them Try it! I'll drag them into the water together, there's going to be a splash!" She pictured that, and laughed.The conversation, which ended happily, could have been a useless, long-winded lecture on how Dolly should be helped to defend herself. When a child comes home complaining nonstop about his friends, teachers, or life, it's best to respond in his own voice without first trying to find out what happened.

Ten-year-old Harold started throwing tantrums and complaining when he got home. Harold: What a miserable life!The teacher called me a liar just because I told her I forgot my homework and she yelled at me, which she did!She said she was going to write you a note. Mom: You are unlucky today. Harold: Exactly. Mom: It must be embarrassing for you to be called a liar in front of the class. Harold: It was embarrassing indeed. Mom: I bet you must have scolded her a few words in your heart! Harold: Yes!how do you know? Mom: That's what we usually do when someone hurts us. Harold: I feel much more relaxed.

Children find deep comfort when they discover that their feelings are part of the normal human experience.The best way to convey this comfort is to understand them. When a child evaluates himself, usually don't just answer him with approval or disapproval, but use specific details to express an understanding beyond the child's expectations. A child who says, "I'm bad at arithmetic." If you tell him, "Yes, you react badly with numbers," is not going to help much, neither is it helpful to refute his point, or give him Superficial comments such as "It will be better if you work harder" are useless, these flippant kindnesses will only hurt his self-esteem, and such direct lessons will only lower his self-confidence.

You can answer his "I'm bad at arithmetic" with sincerity and understanding, any of the following will do: "Arithmetic is a difficult subject." "Some questions are difficult to answer." "A teacher's criticism doesn't make arithmetic any easier." "Arithmetic makes people feel stupid." "I'm sure you want to get out of class quickly." "When class is over, you'll feel at ease." "The test must be very difficult." "You must be worried about failing." "You must be worried about what we'll think."

"You must be worried that we will disappoint you." "We know some subjects are difficult." "We trust you will do your best." A twelve-year-old girl said that when she came home with a failing report card and her father spoke to her in such an understanding manner, she almost fainted. She said in her heart, I must be worthy of my father's treatment of me. trust. Over time, almost all parents will hear their daughter or son declare, "I'm stupid." Of course the parents know he's not stupid, so they start convincing him that he's smart, as in the following A father does the same:

Charles: I'm stupid. Father: You are not stupid. Charles: I'm just stupid. Father: You are not stupid.Remember how smart you were at summer camp?The counselor thinks you are one of the smartest people around. Charles: How do you know what he thinks? Father: He told me. Charles: Yeah, so why does he always call me stupid? Father: He was just joking. Charles: I'm stupid, I know, look at my grades in school. Father: You just need to work harder. Charles: I've tried a lot, but it still doesn't help.I have no brains. Father: You're smart, I know. Charles: I'm stupid, I know.

Father (loudly): You're not stupid! Charles: I'm just stupid! Father: You are not stupid!Fool! If a child says he is stupid, or ugly, or bad, there is nothing we can say or do to change his opinion of himself immediately.A person's ingrained beliefs about themselves usually cannot be directly changed.As a child would say to his father, "Daddy, I know you're good to me, but I'm not stupid enough to take your words seriously." When a child expresses a negative and negative view of himself, our negation and opposition will not help him. They will be more convinced of their own views. The greatest help we can give him is to tell him that we not only understand his feelings, Also understood his special hints.For example:

Ivan: I'm stupid. Father (seriously): Do you really think so?Don't you think you're smart? Ivan: I don't think so. Father: So you must be very sad? Ivan: Yes. Father: In school, you must have been very worried about time, about failing grades, about getting low grades.When the teacher asks you to answer the question, you must be very flustered, even if you know the answer, you can't say it correctly, you are afraid that your words will sound stupid...the teacher will criticize you...the classmates will laugh at you.So, many times, you would rather say nothing.I think you probably remember something you said and people laughed at you and it made you feel stupid and hurt and angry at the same time. (At this point, the child may tell you something about his experience.)

Father: Look, son!In my eyes, you are excellent, but you have a different view. This dialogue may not cause the child to change his opinion of himself immediately, but it may plant seeds of doubt in his heart, wondering if he is really that incompetent.He might be thinking to himself: If Dad understands me and thinks I'm a good person, then maybe I'm not so useless.The intimacy generated by this conversation may cause the son to work hard to live up to his father's trust, and eventually, he will gradually discover many good things in himself. When a child says, "I'm always unlucky," neither argument nor explanation can change his mind.For every example of good fortune we gave, he countered it with two unlucky ones.All we can do is let him see that we understand how he feels when he thinks this way: Annabelle: I've always had bad luck. Mom: Do you really think so? Annabelle: Yes. Mom: So when you enter a competition, you think to yourself: I'm not going to win, I don't have that luck. Annabelle: Yeah, that's what I thought. Mom: In school, if you knew the answer, you would think, today the teacher will not ask me to answer the question. Daughter: Yes. Mom: I think you can tell me more examples. Annabelle: Of course, like... (The child gives some examples.) Mom: I find your thoughts on luck very interesting. If something happens that you think is bad luck or good luck, please tell me and we can discuss it. Such a conversation may not change the child's belief that she is unlucky, but she may feel lucky to have such a reasonable mother!