Chapter 4 Communication: Respond to your child's feelings, not their behavior

Communicating with children must be based on respect. In addition, there must be skills: need a) Take care of the self-esteem of the child and the parents at the same time; b) Say the words of understanding first, and then make suggestions or opinions. Eric, nine, came home furious when his class was going to have a picnic but it was raining.His father decided to use a new method.He used to say things that made things worse: "It's no use crying when the weather is bad. There will be time to play later. I didn't make it rain, so why are you mad at me?" But this time, Eric's father didn't say that. He thought to himself: My son reacted strongly to missing the picnic. He was disappointed. He showed me his disappointment with anger. I can help him. , as long as you show understanding and respect for his feelings.So he said to Eric, "You look disappointed."

Eric: Of course I'm disappointed. Father: You've got everything ready and damn it's raining. Eric: Yes, exactly. At this point, there was a brief silence, and then Eric said, "Oh, but you can hang out later." His anger seemed to dissipate, and he was cooperative for the rest of the afternoon.Usually, whenever Eric came home annoyed, the family was upset, and sooner or later he would irritate everyone in the family until late at night when he finally fell asleep and the family was quiet again.What's so special about this method?Where did it work? When children are in the midst of strong emotions, they don't listen to anyone.They will not accept any advice or reassurance, nor will they be able to accept any constructive criticism.They want us to understand what's going on in their hearts, how they're feeling at that particular moment.And they hope that we can understand them without fully telling what happened to them.Their emotions only reveal a little bit, and we have to guess the rest.

If a child says to us, "The teacher yelled at me," we don't have to ask for more details, and we don't have to say, "What did you do to make the teacher do this to you? If the teacher yelled at you, then what must you have done?" What did you do?" We don't even have to say, "Oh, I'm sorry." We need to show her that we understand her pain, her embarrassment, and her anger. Anita, eight, came home for lunch one day and said angrily: "I'm not going back to school." Mom: You look annoyed, can you tell me what's wrong? Anita: The teacher tore up my paper. I tried so hard to answer the questions, but she just took one look at it and tore it up.

Mom: Without your permission?No wonder you are so angry! Anita's mum made no comment or raised any questions.She knew that if she wanted to help her daughter deal with her anger, she had to speak to her with understanding and compassion. Here's another example: Nine-year-old Geoffrey came home from school looking unhappy, complaining, "The teacher is making our day hard." Mom: You look tired. Jeffrey: Two kids were making a row in the library, and she didn't know which two, so she made all of us stand in the hall for almost a day. Mom: The whole class just stood quietly in the hall without going to class for a day?No wonder you look so tired.

Jeffrey: But I told her, and I said, "Miss Jones, I'm sure you can find those two students who were rowdy, so you don't have to punish us all. Mom: OMG, a nine year old came to help the teacher realize that it's not fair to punish the whole class for misbehaving by a few! Jeffrey: I didn't help much, but at least she smiled, for the first time today. Mom: Well, you didn't change her mind, but you did change her mood. By listening, respecting his feelings, acknowledging his thoughts, and appreciating his efforts to solve the problem, Jeffrey's mother helped her son calm down.

How do we know how the child is feeling?We should look at them, listen to them, and draw on our own emotional experiences.We know how our children feel when they feel ashamed in front of others, and we want to show our children that we understand how they feel.Any of the following expressions will work: "That must be very embarrassing." "That must make you very angry." "At that time, you must have hated the teacher." "That must break your heart." "What a bad day for you." But, unfortunately, when a child misbehaves, parents are often unaware that the insecurity caused the behavior.Be sure to address their emotional issues before correcting their behavior.

Twelve-year-old Ben's mother recounts: "Yesterday I came home from get off work and before I could take off my coat, my son, Ben, rushed out of his bedroom and started complaining to me about his teacher: 'She arranged How can I finish this poem by tomorrow morning when I have so much homework I can't do in a year? I still have a short essay from last week and she yelled at me today , she must hate me!' "I immediately lost my cool and yelled at him: 'My boss is as nasty as your teacher, but did you hear me complain? No wonder the teacher yelled at you, you never finish your homework on time, you're just lazy, don't Stop complaining and start doing your homework, or you will fail.'”

"What happened after you got mad?" I asked. "Well, my son stormed upstairs to his room, locked the door, and wouldn't come down to supper." "So how are you feeling?" I asked. "It sucks, the whole evening is ruined, everyone is upset, the atmosphere is depressing, I feel guilty but don't know what to do." "What do you think your son will think?" I asked again. "Probably mad at me, afraid of teachers, depressed, hopeless, upset, unable to concentrate. I can't help him much, but I can't stand it when he complains and doesn't want to take responsibility."

Ben could have expressed his feelings instead of complaining, and this unpleasant incident could have been avoided.He can say something like: "Mom, I'm afraid of going to school tomorrow. I have to finish a poem and an essay, but I'm so upset that I can't concentrate." His mother can sympathize with her son and acknowledge his plight, she You can grunt emotionally and say, "Well, you're worried you won't finish a poem and an essay by tomorrow morning, no wonder you're feeling anxious." But, unfortunately, neither we nor the children develop the habit of opening up to each other, and we often don't even know what we feel and how to feel it.

When children have problems, they usually get angry and then blame others for their embarrassment, and this often irritates the parents, who then blame the child and say things they later regret, but the problem is not resolved. Since it can be difficult to get children to talk about their feelings, it helps a lot if parents can learn to listen to the worries, disappointments, and helplessness that lie beneath their angry exterior.Parents don't just react to their children's behavior, but pay attention to their upset emotions and help them cope.Only when children are at peace can they think rightly and act rightly—in this case, the right thing to do is to concentrate, pay attention, and listen to others.

The words "it's wrong to think that way" won't calm a child's strong emotions, or a parent's attempts to convince them that "there's no reason to think that way" are useless.Prohibition does not calm strong emotions, but if the person listening to them accepts their ideas and shows sympathy and understanding, their intensity will be reduced and the sharp thorns will disappear. This passage applies not only to children, but also to adults. The following excerpt from a parent discussion group illustrates this situation: Team leader: Let's say it's a morning and everything seems to be going awry.The phone is ringing, the baby is crying, and before you know it, the toast is burnt, and your spouse looks at the toaster and says, “My God! When are you going to learn how to bake?” How do you respond? A: I'll throw toast in his face! B: I'd say, "Bake your damn bread yourself! C: I will be very sad, only cry. Leader: How did your spouse's words make you feel about him or her? Parents: Angry, resentful, resentful. Leader: Would you mind re-baking the oven? A: Unless I put some poison in it! Team leader: How do you think your day will be? A: The mood of the whole day will be ruined! Leader: Assume the same situation: the bread is burnt, but your spouse looks at the whole thing and says, "Gee, honey, what a bad morning for you: the kids, the phone, and now it's your turn." to the bread." B: I will feel very happy. C: I will be very happy, I will hug him and kiss him. Team Leader: Why?The child is still crying, and the bread is still burnt. Parent: That's okay. Team Leader: What makes you feel different? A: You are not criticized, you will be grateful. Team leader: What kind of day will you have? C: Happy, happy day. Leader: Now for your third scenario: Your spouse sees the toast burnt and says to you calmly, "Honey, let me show you how to bake a toast." B: Oh no, that's worse than the first one and makes me feel stupid. Leader: Now, let's see how the three different approaches to the toasting incident apply to our relationship with our children. A: I see what you mean.I always say to my child, "You're old enough to know this and that." It must make my child angry, and usually he does. B: I always say to my daughter: "Let me do it for you, do this and that." C: I'm always criticized, I'm used to it, so it's natural to me, and the things I said are exactly what my mother said to me when I was a kid, and I hate her for it .I never get one thing right, she always makes me do it over and over. Team Leader: Now you find yourself saying the same thing to your daughter? C: Yeah, I don't like saying that at all, and I hate myself when I say that. Team leader: Now let's see what we can learn from the toasting incident.When we feel bad about a loved one, what can we do to help us change that feeling? B: Someone can understand you. C: I don't blame you. A: No need to tell you how to improve. This short essay illustrates the power of words, which can produce hostility as well as joy.The moral of the story is that our responses (words or emotions) can have dramatically different effects on the atmosphere in our homes.