Chapter 2 Chapter 1 Communication Codes: Parent-Child Conversations

Conversation with children is a unique art with rules and meanings of its own.Children are rarely ignorant when they talk, and their messages often have codes that need to be deciphered. Ten-year-old Andy asked his father, "How many children are abandoned in Harlem?" Andy's father, a lawyer, was delighted to see his son's interest in social issues, so he published on the subject After a long speech, I checked the data again.But Andy was still not satisfied, and continued to ask the same question: "How many children are abandoned in New York? What about the United States? What about the whole world?"

In the end, Andy's dad finally understood that his son didn't care about social problems, he cared about personal problems.Andy asked these questions not out of sympathy for abandoned children, but fear of being abandoned himself.He didn't want the number of abandoned kids, he wanted confirmation that he wouldn't be. So, Dad thought about Andy's worries carefully, and then replied: "You are worried that your parents may abandon you like other parents. I promise you that we will not abandon you. If you are troubled by this again, Tell me so I can help you worry about it."

When Nancy was five years old, she went to kindergarten for the first time. Her mother accompanied her. She looked at the pictures on the wall and asked aloud, "Who drew such an ugly picture?" Nancy's mother felt embarrassed. She Looking at her daughter with dissatisfaction, she hurriedly told her: "It is very unfriendly to describe these beautiful paintings as ugly." A teacher who understood the meaning of Nancy's question said with a smile: "Here, you don't have to draw beautiful pictures. If you like, you can also draw simple pictures." Nancy showed a bright smile on her face, and now She's already got the answer to her hidden question: "What happens if a girl can't draw well?"

Next, Nancy picked up a broken toy fire truck and asked smugly, "Who broke that fire truck?" Her mother replied, "What does it matter to you who broke it? You don't know anyone here." In fact, Nancy wasn't really interested in that name, she wondered what would happen to a child who broke a toy.After understanding the question, the teacher gave an appropriate answer: "Toys are meant to be played with, and sometimes they break, that's all." Nancy looked satisfied.Her interview skills allowed her to get the necessary information: this grown-up is very good, even if the painting is ugly, even if the toy is broken, she will not get angry right away, I don’t need to be afraid, it’s safe to stay here.Nancy waved goodbye to her mom, walked over to the teacher, and started her first day in Kindergarten.

Carol, twelve, is a nervous, tearful girl whose favorite cousin is going back after spending the summer with her here, but, unfortunately, her mother Rolle's grief was not at all comprehensible. Carol (with tears in her eyes): Susie's leaving, and I'm going to be alone again. Mom: You'll find other friends. Carol: I'd be lonely. Mom: You'll be fine. Carol: Oh, Mom! (sob) Mom: You are already twelve years old, and you still cry so much. Carol gave her mother a hard look, then ran back to her room and closed the door.This incident should have had a happier ending.A child's feelings must be taken seriously, even if the situation itself is not serious.A separation at the end of summer vacation might have been too small an event in Carole's mother's eyes to be worth a tear, but her reaction should not have been unsympathetic.Carol's mother could say to herself, "Carol is having a hard time, and I should try to help her and let her know that I understand what's hurting her. What can I do? Talk to her about how she feels." ’ So she said any of the following:

"It would be lonely without Susie." "You're already thinking about her." "It hurts to be apart when you're used to being together." "Without Susie, the house probably looks empty to you." Such an answer creates a sense of intimacy between parent and child.When children feel understood, they feel less alone and hurt less.When children are understood, their love for their parents grows deeper.Parental sympathy is emotional first aid for a child's hurt feelings. Children often gain the strength to face reality when we honestly acknowledge their plight and voice their disappointments.

Seven-year-old Alice planned to play with her friend Lee in the afternoon, but when she suddenly remembered that her Girl Scout troop was having an event that afternoon, she burst into tears. Mom: Oh, you are disappointed. You really want to play with Li this afternoon. Alice: Yeah, why can't the Boy Scouts be on another day? Alice held back her tears, called Lee, made another appointment, and went to change for Scouting. Alice's mother's understanding and empathy for her daughter's disappointment helped Alice deal with life's inevitable conflicts and disappointments.She sympathized with and understood Alice's feelings, and truly reflected Alice's wishes. She didn't take it lightly, and she didn't say: "What's so exciting about this! You can play with Li another day, what's the big deal?"

She even avoids the cliché: "Well, you can't be in two places at the same time." She neither condemns nor reproaches: "Why are you planning to hang out with your friends when you know Wednesday is Scouting Day?" The following short conversation illustrates how the father dismisses his son's anger by simply acknowledging his emotions and complaints. David's father worked the night shift and looked after the family while his mother worked during the day.One day, when the father came home from shopping, he found his eight-year-old son in a rage. Father: I saw an angry boy.In fact, I saw a very angry boy.

David: I'm angry, in fact, I'm very angry. Father: why? David (very quietly): I miss you, you're never home when I get home from school. Father: I'm glad you told me now that I know you want me to be home when you get home from school. David gave his father a hug and went out to play.David's father knew how to change his son's mood. He didn't justify his absence by saying, "I'm going to go shopping. If I don't buy food, what are you going to eat?" He didn't ask: "Why are you angry?" His approach was to acknowledge his son's emotions and complaints.

Most parents try to convince their children that their complaints are unfair, that their thinking is wrong, that the parents don't realize that it doesn't work and that doing so will only lead to arguments and anger. One day, twelve-year-old Helen came home from school, very upset. Helen: I know you will be very disappointed. I only got a B in my test. I know that an A is very important to you. Mom: But I really don't mind, how can you say that?I'm not disappointed with your grade at all, I think B is pretty good too. Helen: So why do you keep yelling at me every time I don't get an A?

Mom: When did I call you?It was you who felt disappointed and blamed me. Helen burst into tears and ran out of the room.Although Helen's mother knew that instead of acknowledging her disappointment, her daughter turned on her and blamed her, pointing this out and arguing with her did not make her feel better.It would have been much better if Helen's mother had acknowledged her daughter's feelings, and she could have said something like, "You want me to take your grades lightly. You want to be able to decide for yourself what grades are good for you. I get that." Not only children, but even strangers appreciate our sympathy for their plight.Ms Grafton says she doesn't like going to the bank where she works: "It's usually crowded and the manager acts like he's doing me a favor by being there. Every time I go to him It’s always stressful.” One Friday, she had to take a check to her manager to sign, and as she listened to the way he spoke to other people, she became upset and anxious, but then she decided to put herself in his shoes. Think about it, and then she shows she understands him by expressing it and acknowledging his feelings: "Another tough Friday! Everyone is asking for your attention, and it's not even noon. I don't know you How to get through this day." The manager's face immediately lit up, and it was the first time she saw his smile. "Oh yeah, I'm always busy and everyone wants to get their stuff done first. What do you want me to do?" Not only did he sign the check, but he went with her to the teller to make things easier. faster.