Chapter 6 Chapter 6 Listening Skills to Improve Your Speaking Level

From the perspective of the essence of human nature, everyone is most concerned about themselves.To make others like you, be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. Please don't forget that the person you are talking to is a thousand times more interested in himself, his needs, his problems than you and your problems.As Reader's Digest puts it: "Many people call a doctor when all they want is a listener." During the darkest civil war in the United States, Lincoln wrote to an old friend in Illinois, inviting him to Washington to discuss some issues with him.This old friend was invited to the White House.Lincoln told him many questions about black people.After talking for hours, Lincoln shook hands with his old friend and sent him back to Illinois without consulting him.During the hours of conversation, Lincoln said almost everything, as if to ease his mood.After the conversation, Lincoln told his old friend that he felt at ease after the conversation.

The old friend said afterwards that he was just a friendly and sympathetic listener at that time, and he did not do anything for Lincoln. Being a listener is what we all need in difficult times, that's what angry customers need, that's what dissatisfied employees and hurt friends need. In order to make ourselves respected and loved by others, we must develop the ability to "put ourselves in the shoes of others", that is, the ability to put aside our own position and put ourselves in the position of the other party.As long as we can empathize with each other's feelings, actively share their thoughts, strive to maintain an intimate and harmonious relationship, and talk about natural and vivid topics, we can become popular people.

People like to talk about themselves rather than others, prefer to talk about their own affairs, and often make blind judgments about others without fully understanding them.This creates a difficult situation in interpersonal communication, constitutes obstacles and difficulties in communication, and what's more, it will cause conflicts and contradictions between the two parties. At a party, a woman knew that Carnegie had just returned from Europe, so she said to Carnegie: "Ah, Mr. Carnegie, you must have visited many interesting places when you went to speak in Europe. There are many beautiful places in Europe. Tell me? You know, I have always dreamed of traveling to Europe since I was a child, but I have not been able to do so until now." Carnegie knew that this lady was a talkative person.

He knows that if you let a talkative person listen to others for a long time, it will be like suffering, you must hold your breath in your heart, and interrupt your conversation from time to time, or have no interest in your words at all.He understood that the woman was looking for something in her words that would help her start her own conversation.When Carnegie first entered the party, he heard friends introduce her and knew that she had just returned from Argentina in South America.The Argentine prairie is beautiful. Anyone who travels to that country must visit it, and they all have their own feelings.So he said to the lady: "Yes, there are many interesting places in Europe, not to mention the places with beautiful scenery. But I like hunting very much. There are only some mountains in Europe for hunting, which are very dangerous. There are no The prairie, if you can ride a horse and hunt on the prairie while enjoying the beautiful scenery, it would be so pleasant..." "The prairie," the lady immediately interrupted Carnegie's words, and exclaimed excitedly, "I just came from Argentina, South America. It’s really an interesting place, it’s so much fun!”

"Really, you must have a good time, can you tell me about the scenery and animals on the prairie? Like you, I also dream of going to the prairie." "Of course, the Argentine prairie..." Seeing that there was a listener, the lady would not let go of this opportunity, and talked endlessly about her travel experience in the prairie.Then, under the guidance of Carnegie, she talked about the scenery of Buenos Aires and the scenery of the countries she traveled along the way, and even in the end, it became her recollection of the beautiful places she had visited in her life.Carnegie listened patiently, smiling and nodding from time to time to encourage her to continue.The lady talked for more than an hour, and then the party was over. She said to Carnegie regretfully: "Mr. Carnegie, I will continue to tell you next time we meet. There are many more! Thank you for letting me spend It was such a beautiful night.”

Carnegie only said a few words during this hour. However, the lady said to the host of the party: "Carnegie can really talk. He is a very interesting person. I am very happy to talk to him." In fact, Carnegie knew that people like her didn't want to hear from others.All she needs is a pair of listening ears.There is only one thing she wants to do: talk.She really wanted to tell all she knew, if others would listen.With such talkers, it is best not to be self-righteous, eloquent, and gag their mouths, that will only win yawning mouths and bored expressions. The average person has two mental states: one is that talkative people always start from their own point of view in everything.What he likes most is himself and no one else.What he likes to talk about most is himself, so instead of listening to others when talking, he tells others about himself eloquently.This is a typical egoist.The second is that for a person who is not very talkative, his mental activities are more complicated and his mood changes greatly.Because of his taciturnity, he was reluctant to speak out about unhappy things, and many troubled emotions were backlogged in his heart by reason.Sometimes, when there is something happy, I don’t show it, and I don’t want to share it with others, but I also bury it in my heart.This kind of person looks calm, strong and calm on the surface, but his inner activities are very intense.So, when you have an opportunity to vent, and you are his friend, you must not interrupt him, and all you do is listen quietly.In the process of listening, your friendship deepens.His trust in you is also on the rise.You will gain a sincere friendship for this.Because when he finds that you are listening to him carefully, goodwill and a sense of intimacy will arise spontaneously.Because you've met his needs, and most importantly, you've respected him from the start.He finds his sense of importance, his self-confidence in this attitude of yours.

People who only talk about themselves think only about themselves, and such people who only know themselves but not others will eventually be helpless in the complex network of interpersonal relationships. Nicholas Palermo, a well-known American scholar, said: "Those who always use 'I' in conversation are hopelessly ignorant, no matter how eloquent they are and how eloquent they are, they are always ignorant." Therefore, if you If you want to be a talker, if you want others to be interested in you and listen to what you have to say, you must first be interested in others and listen carefully to what they say.Ask questions that others are willing to answer, encourage the other party to talk about his achievements, and listen carefully, and you will gain the respect and favor of others.

Listening to others is an art with many techniques and rules.There are several ways you can improve your listening skills: Tapping your fingers or tapping your feet to the beat is fine when listening to music, but it's not good when listening to someone talking, because these small gestures hurt the speaker's self-esteem the most. To listen with all your heart, you should try to put aside all distractions, ignore the flies buzzing in the corner, and forget all the things you have to do that day.Look into the other person's eyes, nod or gesture to encourage the other person to continue talking, so as to show that you are listening attentively.

When it's your turn to speak, don't think you have to keep talking.Learn to stop when enough is enough and give back the opportunity to speak to others. Many people think that the more you talk, the more successful you will be in your social circle.Actually, not so. A diplomat's wife recounted the embarrassing occasions when her husband took her out for socializing, his first foray into diplomacy."I'm a small-city person, and the room was full of eloquent people who had lived all over the world. I was desperate to find something to talk about, and I didn't want to just listen to other people," she said.

At a banquet, she finally confides her problems to a senior diplomat who doesn't speak much but is popular.The diplomat told the lady: "Everyone needs to be listened to. Believe me, a good listener is as welcome at a banquet, and as valuable as a spring in the Sahara desert." When someone is speaking, you can try short comments or questions to show that you are listening, even if you simply say, "Really?" or "Tell me a little more." Say you're having lunch with an old friend and he says he hasn't been able to sleep all week because he had a big fight with his wife.

If you are like most people, afraid to listen to other people's private affairs, you may say: "marriage life is always difficult and happy - do you eat fish or spiced beef?" complain.If you really care about your friend, don't pour cold water on him. You might as well say: "No wonder you can't sleep well. The quarrel between husband and wife must make you very uncomfortable." He will feel much better when he has the opportunity to express his depression.In real life, few people can solve it by themselves. They always need to tell their troubles to friends who are good at listening. A real estate agent with a thriving business believes that his success lies in his ability to not only listen carefully to what his clients have to say, but also to hear what is being said.Once when he told the price of a house, the customer said: "Even if it is a beautiful palace, it's nothing special." But the voice he said was a little hesitant, and the smile was a little forced.The agent knows that there is obviously a gap between what the customer wants to buy and what he can afford. "Before you make up your mind," said the broker ably, "you might as well look at a few more houses." Everyone was happy with the result.The client bought a house he could afford. In commercial negotiations, if you want to grasp the opportunities and succeed everywhere, what is the secret?Professor Charles Elliott said: "There are no secrets in business negotiations. As long as you know how to concentrate on listening to the other party's opinions, you will already have a considerable advantage, because the most fascinating thing in the world is this kind of focused listening." Listening seems simple and easy to everyone, but there are very few people who can really use this skill well.In business competition, you will find that some businessmen spend a lot of money to rent expensive stores in prime locations, and decorate them luxuriously and richly, with dazzling array of decorations, but few of their employees are really capable. Keep your temper and listen to customers to promote their sales.On the contrary, interrupting customers at every turn and bragging about their products is vainly annoying, and in the end there will be no more business coming to your door. Xiao Li bought a suit in a department store, but after wearing it for a few days, the suit became full of problems. So he took the suit to the department store and asked for a return.But the salesman didn't listen to his explanation at all, and interrupted his words again and again, saying confidently: "We have sold thousands of suits of this kind, and we have never heard of such a phenomenon." Xiao Li I was extremely angry at the time.That's when their manager showed up.The manager is a master of business, and quickly calmed Xiao Li's anger skillfully, saving a customer who may never come to the door again. The manager does this: First of all, he listened quietly to the customer and did not interject a word from beginning to end; Secondly, when the customer finished speaking and the salesperson began to express objections stubbornly, the manager argued with him from the position of the customer.Not only did he repeatedly emphasize that the suit faded and the customer's white shirt was damaged, but he also said that the company sold a product that could not satisfy the customer 100%, which was incorrect; Third, the manager admitted that he didn't know why the suit had faded, and said to Xiao Li: "Now what are you going to do with this suit, I'll do what you say!" Originally, Xiao Li wanted to throw the suit back to them and insisted on refunding the money.But after the manager said this, he changed his attitude, and only hoped that they would tell him how to stop the fading, and accepted the suggestion to take it back and wear it for a few days.A week later, the suit was no longer faded.Xiao Li regained his confidence in the department store. In fact, the manager has nothing special in handling commercial disputes. He just acts as a serious listener and listens to customers vent their grievances.Listening enables managers to gain the trust of customers and restore the company's reputation. The New York Telephone Company once encountered a very difficult matter: a customer not only scolded the operator of the company because of the poor service of the telephone company, refused to pay the basic telephone fee, and even complained everywhere, using newspapers to attack the company , and finally listed a number of charges, publicly accusing the New York Telephone Company. In order to better resolve the dispute, the company sent a manager with the best skills to visit this violent customer.When a manager visits a client, the only thing he does is to listen attentively and nod his head repeatedly as he pours out his complaints. On the surface, this client seemed to be righteous and determined to fight for public rights and the phone company, but in fact, what he really needed was the satisfaction of being valued.At first, he obtained this satisfaction by being violent, attacking and swearing.Once he found that the manager sent by the phone company was listening to him carefully, his self-esteem was satisfied, and the original hostility naturally disappeared. If you want to become a good conversation partner, don't forget that you must start with a good listener.At any time, ask questions that the other party is willing to answer, and encourage the other party to open up and express what is in their hearts. Silence is a silent state in which people hide thousands of words in communication; it is an expression of personal thoughts and emotions; it is a feedback state in the process of information exchange between the two parties, and it can also be regarded as a state of subconscious communication . We are silent in many situations: When two parties are talking, one party "disagrees" with the other party's opinion, but does not want to express it directly, and the best way is to be silent.Especially among people of different ranks, those with low status, such as children or subordinates, often express their confusion, bewilderment and inner anger at being treated unequally by "silent words". The "speechless" silence includes two situations, one is "not speculative, half a sentence", this kind of silence means that both parties no longer want to talk, and are trying to end the relationship as soon as possible; the other is " Silence is better than sound here"—the content of the conversation touched the hearts of both parties and resonated. This kind of silence can last for a long time, and both parties fully appreciate this silent heart-to-heart communication. Silence is golden, some people think it means talking less.In fact, this does not mean that you have to keep a straight face all day long and be cold and hard to figure out, but to use the power of silence in a timely and appropriate manner. There is a boss in Beijing who is engaged in machinery manufacturing. After operating for many years, he has the idea of ​​retiring.He originally purchased a batch of machine tools from the United States. After several years of use, the value should be 2.5 million yuan after deducting wear and tear.He made up his mind that when selling these machine tools, he must not sell them at a price lower than 2.5 million.When a buyer was negotiating, he talked about many shortcomings and deficiencies about the various problems of this machine.This annoyed the boss very much.But when he was about to have an attack, he suddenly remembered his bottom line of 2.5 million yuan, so he calmed down again, without saying a word, watching that person continue to talk.In the end, the man didn't have the strength to speak anymore, and suddenly said: "Hey, let's see, I can give you 3.5 million yuan at most for your machine tool. If there is more, we really don't want it." So, this The boss was lucky to get a full 1 million yuan more than planned. Prolonged silence can cause great psychological stress.Because human nature rejects darkness and silence, silence makes people feel helpless, and sometimes it can even make people crazy, so people often lose their temper. Silence is sometimes a suggestive statement.Silence is sometimes a kind of vague language. Although there is no verbal statement, it is actually a clear statement in a specific context.If you put forward a kind of opinion or solution, which hits the opponent’s heart, but due to relationship considerations, the other party cannot make a clear statement. At this time, the silent and smart person will be able to understand the supernatural powers, knowing that his request for instructions has been acquiesced by the other party, which is actually consent. ,support.Conversely, when you put forward some kind of opinion or request, and the other party disagrees, but it is inconvenient to directly reject it, or it is not appropriate to explain the reason, the silence at this time is actually a negation, which is a very clear attitude.At this time, you should also be tacit and not stubborn. A large automobile factory in the United States arranged to order seat cushions for a year's production.It was a lucrative business worth $1.6 million.Many manufacturers of cushion fabrics are striving to get this order, but only three of them are most likely.All three manufacturers have provided their samples to automakers.After inspecting these samples, the automobile factory is very satisfied. It only needs to know some relevant details, and then it can decide to place the order to a certain manufacturer.Therefore, the automobile factory issued a notice to the three manufacturers, agreeing that on a certain day, representatives from each manufacturer would come to interview for contract application.All manufacturers understand the importance of this meeting to whether they can get orders, so they have made full preparations.One of the manufacturers arranged special countermeasures in order to win the bid at the meeting.The representative they had chosen, Mr. Payson, was of a fine manner and bearing, but was suffering from a severe case of laryngitis, and could hardly speak. The appointed day for the interview arrived, and the representatives of the three manufacturers arrived at the automobile factory on time.They were introduced into the negotiating room and had interviews with the general manager, purchasing manager, marketing director and others of the factory.At the meeting, in order to give the auto factory a preconceived impression, the representatives of the other two spoke first, trying to state the advantages of their products and the characteristics of various production services.The participants nodded in agreement, but remained silent. It was Mr. Payson's turn to speak.He stood up, greeted everyone, but didn't say a word, then sat down and wrote on the paper: "Everyone, I'm really sorry, I suddenly got laryngitis, and it's inconvenient to speak, I'm afraid it will affect everyone's emotions. I'm ready The materials about our factory that your factory needs. If anyone can introduce it to me, I will be very grateful." After writing, he handed the note to the general manager. After reading the note, the general manager read it again to the participants, and then said: "Then let me introduce it for you." From time to time, praise the advantages and characteristics they have.This practice immediately made other people active and discussed. During the discussion, the general manager had been speaking for the manufacturer of Peisen, and Mr. Peisen was limited to nodding and smiling modestly and making some necessary gestures. As a result of this special meeting, the manufacturer of Peisen got the order contract.why? Because when the general manager spoke for Peisen, he learned about the products of Peisen factory in detail.The victory this time is related to the high quality and low price of their factory products, but the general manager played an important role in speaking for Peisen.Because in this way, it has the effect of classifying the manufacturer of Peisen and the automobile factory as one. Being a patient and calm listener is an important condition in the art of conversation.Because a person who can sit quietly and listen to other people's opinions must be a person with profound thoughts, modesty and gentleness.Among the crowd, this kind of person may not be noticed much at first, but afterwards he is the most respected.