Chapter 14 Chapter Thirteen The Art of Socializing

Words to give to others are as important as pearls and jade; words to hurt others are more important than swords and halberds. - Sun Tzu A good social circle is the key to a leader's career success. So, how to gain the other party's favor in daily communication, please pay attention to the following points: (1) Satisfy the self-esteem of the other party When others care about themselves, as long as this concern will not hurt themselves, most people will often not refuse.In particular, caring that can satisfy self-esteem is often immediately transformed into a good impression of the caring person.The best way to gratify another's ego is with well-intentioned advice.When the other party is a woman, just say: "Your hairstyle is beautiful", it is just a simple compliment; if you say: "Short, it will look better", the other party will definitely feel the care for yourself .If you can continue to show this kind of concern, the other party will definitely be more kind and trusting to you.

(2) Expose your own shortcomings As a leader, occasionally expose your own shortcomings, that is to say, don't always wrap yourself up very tightly.Although doing this sometimes results in unexpected communicative effects, you must control your limits. If you expose all your shortcomings without reservation, it will only make people think you are worthless, or even unworthy of being a leader. You lose trust and respect. There are only one or two shortcomings to be exposed, which can make others easy to get close to, and it is difficult to associate these two shortcomings with other parts, thus creating a feeling that other parts have no shortcomings. "This person has a few flaws, but he can't find any faults in other aspects. He is a pretty good person!" Thinking similar to the above can be deeply implanted in the hearts of others.

(3) Remember what the other person said Remember what the other party said, and bring it up as a topic afterwards, which can make your purpose of conversation effective quickly.Especially interests, hobbies, dreams, etc. are the most important and interesting things for the other party. Once they are brought up as topics, the other party will definitely feel very happy.When applying for a certain position or reporting on the work, you may wish to quote the words of a certain superior, which will surely make you pass the test. (4) Notice the small changes in the other party No matter who you are, you are eager to have the care of others.And for people who care about themselves, they generally have a good impression.Therefore, if you want to gain the favor of the other party, you must first actively express your concern.As long as you find some slight changes in the other party's clothing or items, don't begrudge your words and tell the other party immediately.Example: When a co-worker wears a new tie, "That's a nice tie! Where did you buy it?" No one will feel offended by expressing concern like this.

In addition, when pointing out the changes in the other party that are different from the past, the more subtle and difficult to discover the changes, the greater the effect of making the other party happy.Not only make the other person feel your care, but also feel your care. In an instant, the relationship between you will be far closer than before. (5) Call the other party's name When Europeans and Americans talk, they often say: "How about a cup of coffee? Mr. Smith", "What do you think about this? Mr. Smith", frequently mentioning the other party's name.It is incredible that this kind of style often makes the other party feel a sense of intimacy, as if they have known each other for many years.Especially as a leader, often mentioning the names of his subordinates will undoubtedly enhance the intimacy with each other, and then gain the favor of the other party.

(6) Talk about what the other person cares about Even if you have only met someone once, if you can remember the other person's interests, let's say fishing!When meeting for the second or third time, keep providing knowledge or interesting stories in this area, so as to show that you care about the other party's interest. As a result, the other party will inevitably have a great impression. For leaders, the same speech purpose, because the audience is very different, the effect will be different.Therefore, using different targeted language for different people and different situations is a communication skill that leaders should master.

(1) age Due to age differences, people of different ages have different life experiences, experiences and intelligence levels, and their ability to recognize speech forms and understanding of speech meanings are also different. Therefore, when facing audiences of different ages, you should adapt The physiological and psychological characteristics of different ages are different. Juveniles are intuitive in thinking, broad in interests, full of fantasy, and eager to learn. When talking to them, we should adhere to positive guidance, respect their choices and hobbies, and talk to them with words of concern, consideration, enthusiasm, and humor. Talk about some philosophy of life persuasively, inspire them with the deeds of famous statesmen, thinkers, scientists, and writers in history, and enhance their interest in learning and positive belief in life.

When speaking with young people, we must respect their independence and criticality, discuss and negotiate with them in a warm, friendly and natural manner, using accurate, standardized, philosophical, contemporary, and fast-paced words, and must not In the tone of teaching others, only an equal posture can receive better speech results. The period between twenty-eight and ninety to sixty years of life is the prime of life, which is the longest and most important period in a person's life cycle, and it is the period in which individuals make contributions to society after acquiring knowledge and mastering labor skills.Confucius, an ancient Chinese educator, said: "When I am ten, I am determined to learn; at thirty, I stand up; , "Standing", "Not Confused", and "Knowing the Mandate of Heaven", it shows that the psychological development in the prime of life has reached a mature level.They shoulder the dual burdens of family and career, with obvious psychological orientation, strong autonomy, mature thinking, and stable emotions. In interpersonal communication, they are keen on professional academics, domestic and foreign current affairs, politics, economic management, and social hot issues. They have unique characteristics. Life taste, experience and clear opinions, like plain and simple, accurate and practical, logical words, and require the expressing subject to speak with a humble, pragmatic, cheerful and optimistic attitude.

There are many topics that the elderly like to talk about, such as views on the current situation, comments on social fashion, wishes of the younger generation, especially life after retirement, health and longevity, scenic spots and historic sites, historical relics, sports competitions, reading books, They have a strong interest in listening to music, reciting poems and painting, and practicing calligraphy. They like warm, steady, plain, and humorous words, and they should speak with respect, solemnity, modesty, and kindness. (2) Gender Due to the difference in biological characteristics, human beings have formed the difference between male and female.Due to the different social functions of different genders, men and women have different psychology and habits.Generally speaking, men are more confident, bold, decisive, more impulsive, proactive, critical and tenacious, and less rigid about details; women are quieter, weaker, self-respecting, delicate in feelings, kind-hearted, and wealthy. Compassion has strong sensitivity, dependence, vulnerability and susceptibility to suggestion, and its psychology is relatively complicated.Therefore, the conversation between men is open to the sea and the sky, unrestrained, free and easy, keeping promises, being frank and straightforward, but we should pay attention to controlling impulses and overcoming blind optimism; , Warm and natural, but we should pay attention to the novelty and in-depth understanding and avoid being too sensitive.In the relationship between men and women, men should treat women equally with frank and enthusiastic words in order to gain women's approval; women should get rid of inferiority complex and dare to boldly express their independent opinions.

(3) Personality Personality refers to a person's attitude towards reality and habitual behavior. It can best express the psychological characteristics of individual differences.Due to different personalities, leaders should pay attention to propriety and grasp the scale when speaking.People with a bold personality require straightforward, straight-forward speech, clear praise and criticism, and incisiveness, and dislike insincere words, beating around the bush, concealing their heads and showing their tails, and concealing; people with a rigid personality require frankness, sincerity, sincerity, and clarity. 2. I am very disgusted with indecent speech, flattery, and hidden needles; people who are rigorous, experienced, and responsible, like fluent, accurate, steady, simple, concise, and straightforward speech, and hate high-spirited, rhetoric; erudite, wise, and far-sighted A person of great insight, likes words that are elegant, elegant, profound, dialectical, rich in philosophy, and quotes from many sources, and despises learning by word of mouth, talking about it, pretending to understand what he doesn't understand.Those with a bad temper tend to like to hear gentle and tactful words, while those who are timid and cowardly generally dislike rough and strong words.

(4) Occupation Occupation refers to the professional work that an individual engages in in society as the main source of livelihood.People of different occupations play different roles in social life, and their speech must have a professional color. For example, the words of farmers are full of "earth", the words of workers are straightforward, the words of soldiers are majestic and calm, and the words of salesmen are full of "earth". Words are very seductive, and so on.People with different occupations and specialties have different types of information and points of interest in their minds.Generally speaking, they have a strong interest in topics related to their profession, and have the spirit of active exploration and research.Even if they are also intellectuals, there will be differences because of the different professions they are engaged in.Generally speaking, scientists and scholars are more rigorous, innocent, and "bookish"; actors and artists are more lively, cheerful, and romantic.Leaders' speeches will only achieve the desired effect if they pay attention to the professional characteristics of different objects.

(5) status Status refers to the positions held by individuals in government agencies and groups and their positions in social relations.Individuals with different social status will have different life experiences, social responsibilities and communication purposes, and will have different needs for eloquence.Generally speaking, people with higher social status are more concerned about guidelines, policies, careers, national future and social activities; people with lower social status are more concerned about their own work, Family life and things around you.Leaders generally pay more attention to policy, accuracy and completeness in their speeches, while ordinary subordinates don't have too many scruples about this, and they can say whatever they want. The art of socializing (5) (6) interest A hobby is a person who has a strong interest in something.Because everyone has different hobbies, the "exciting point" of discourse is also different.If you talk about "stocks" and "business experience" to a scholar who is devoted to learning, he will definitely sneer at it;A person with professionalism and the courage to pioneer and create hopes to get specific guidance and advice on career and work; while a person with a difficult life and poverty hopes to hear information about helping the poor and getting rich.Lovers of music, painting, calligraphy, stamp collectors, fishers and flower growers, collectors of souvenirs and fans, music fans, and chess fans will talk about their special hobbies with delight, and even dance with their hands and feet. dance it.Different hobbies have different "exciting points". People with the same hobbies gather together to talk, which can stimulate the "spark" of the focus of the topic, and then generate a resonance of thoughts and feelings, so that all parties in the conversation can achieve common growth and development in eloquence and expression. improve. (7) Mood The so-called state of mind refers to a relatively weak, persistent and contagious emotional state of a person.When a person is in a good mood, he is "happy in everything"; when he is in a bad mood, he is "worry about everything".In a good state of mind, the subject is interested in everything, and often treats people with a friendly and peaceful attitude. In the center of interpersonal communication, it is easy to communicate with the heart, and difficult problems are easy to solve; on the contrary, in a bad state of mind, the subject Feeling boring about everything, easily irritated, difficult to communicate with the heart in the center of interpersonal communication, and difficult to deal with problems.Therefore, when the leader speaks, he must take the other party's state of mind at that time as a basic premise. (8) thoughts When people are in the process of uploading and communicating ideas, leaders should pay special attention to the guidance and effectiveness of policies in their speeches.For those who are advanced, we must guide them to be modest and prudent; for those in the middle, we must guide them to establish lofty ideals and ambitions, and strive to make progress; for those who are less advanced, we must positively encourage them and patiently guide them; Point out problems so that he can have a correct understanding of himself; for those who lack confidence, are easily shaken and discouraged, help him analyze various favorable conditions, guide him to see the vested achievements and bright future, and build confidence and courage ; For those who are easily emotional and impulsive, you should grasp his thoughts and emotions in time to help him strengthen self-cultivation; People with fragile feelings should speak softly and be patient.In short, we should treat them differently, one key opens one lock. (1) make friends That is to take the way of making friends to get close to subordinates and maintain good communication relationships. When Premier Zhou Enlai visited Boyan Village, Wu'an County, Hebei Province in May 1961, he visited the home of Zhang Erting, an old poor farmer. When the Premier entered the courtyard, he shouted, "Er Ting, where do you live?" Zhang Erting said in surprise, "Oh! , Isn’t this Premier Zhou? Calling me by my name is like calling his brother.” He quickly invited the Premier to sit down.The Prime Minister said: "Don't call me Prime Minister in the future, just call me Lao Zhou." In this way, the two talked about everything.Practice has proved that the effect of approaching subordinates and understanding the situation by making friends is the best.This is especially true for young people, because young people are willing to communicate, value friendship, and hope to make friends with others. (2) seeking common ground It means that the leader must work hard to find the common ground between himself and the other party, so as to obtain a common language, in order to have a successful negotiation. Former Yale University literature professor William Phelp said this in his article "On Human Nature": When I was eight years old, I went to my aunt's house for a weekend.A middle-aged man came to visit in the evening, and after exchanging pleasantries with my aunt, he began to discuss sailing with me with great vigor.I was so excited that even when he left, I was still reluctant to part with him, hoping that he would come back tomorrow.I said to my aunt, this man is so kind, he is so interested in sailing!But my aunt said lightly: He is a lawyer, so he wouldn't be interested in sailing boats.I was very surprised and said: Then how could he talk to me so vigorously?I will never forget my aunt's answer.She said: Because you are interested in sailing, he will talk about things that make you happy. In daily life, we can find that people of the same age have the same feelings about many things; the same job and major can be talked in professional jargon; common interests and hobbies are easy to resonate; Familiar people and things can also be a medium for starting a conversation, and so on.With more common languages, the door of thought will slowly open.This approach is mostly used when the leader knows something about the respondent, but is not very familiar with it. (3) Natural law It is to approach the other party in a relaxed and harmonious atmosphere without attracting attention, so that they accept your communication unconsciously.Leaders generally do not explain their intentions to the other party in advance, but talk to each other through opportunities such as chatting, working together, or participating in cultural and sports activities, and get close to the other party to understand the situation.The leader has the heart, and the leader is unintentional, and it is easiest to obtain real information.If you are serious, it will cause unnecessary tension on the other side. (4) directly Straight to the point, "open the window and speak the truth", communicate directly, without beating around the bush. (5) circuitous This method is like climbing a mountain and climbing a peak. If the slope is too steep and unpredictable, you will simply walk around the mountain and move forward in a detour in order to reach the summit.This roundabout method is just the opposite of the direct method. It deliberately avoids the intention and content of the investigation, and investigates the leader from the side.This method is mostly used to understand more acute and sensitive issues, or to get close to people who have made mistakes or are suspected of making mistakes.But pay attention to using it properly, otherwise it is easy to cause some unnecessary misunderstandings. To be popular is actually to be well versed in the art of square circle in interpersonal communication.When you need to be "round", you can get a pass for a smooth life in complex human relationships.This kind of human skill is good at smoothing things over, and its function can be summed up in sixteen words: mediate disputes, resolve conflicts, avoid embarrassment, and break the deadlock. From a proactive point of view, when others are ugly, they take the initiative to smooth things over; when others are in trouble, they take the initiative to clear the siege and find a step for him to get off the stage.From a passive point of view, when you make a mistake, you must be good at remedial and justify yourself; unfortunately, when you fall into a social deadlock, use your power to make changes to break the ice; Let the other party lose less face and maintain dignity, so as to settle the matter, or even turn a bad thing into a good thing. In social activities, it is a major principle of Circus to provide an appropriate step in a timely manner so that people do not lose face.However, not all my friends are clear about how to set the steps and how the Circus should be built. (1) smooth things over for oneself Once it is difficult to step down due to one's own mistakes, the smartest way is: more ridicule, less cover-up; more self-deprecating, less self-righteous.The most important thing to smooth things over for yourself is not deliberately avoiding and covering up.If it is a trivial problem, you might as well divert other people's attention by diverting the target or topic.If others have already noticed and the problem is not serious, explain it a little.If the nature is serious and it has caused displeasure or even resentment to others, it is necessary to immediately apologize sincerely, and then explain more solemnly, and solve it on the spot. The longer the delay, the worse the consequences will be. (2) Smooth things over for others Sometimes when the two parties are in an awkward situation, if the third party smooths things out from a clever angle, it can change the stagnant atmosphere into a relaxed and lively one. When Gorbachev and his wife Raisa visited the United States, on the way to the White House to attend Reagan's farewell banquet, he suddenly got out of the car and shook hands with passers-by in the downtown area.The former Soviet security personnel rushed out of the car and ordered the Americans standing beside Gorbachev to pull their hands out of their pockets.He was afraid that the pedestrian would have a weapon in his pocket, and the pedestrian would be at a loss for a while.At this time, Raisa behind her was very witty and immediately came out to smooth things over. She stopped the security guard with a smile and said that we Soviets never do things that force people, and Americans also need to shake hands with Soviets.As soon as the words fell, the atmosphere on the field suddenly became lively, and people shook hands with Gorbachev cordially.Here, Raisa responded cleverly and smoothed things over to ease the embarrassing situation at that time. When former U.S. President Reagan talked about the mysteries of health with reporters, he unconsciously blurted out: "In addition to exercise, another habit of mine is not to eat salt. Whoever wants to keep healthy, it is best not to eat salt or eat less salt." As soon as this remark came out, it immediately aroused unanimous protests from the salt industry in the United States, triggering a "salt storm".When the public outrage was not over, the director of the Institute of Salt Industry came forward and explained for the president: "Eating salt is good for the human body; and President Reagan had no choice but to follow the doctor's order not to eat salt. Everyone's situation is different, and we should Determine the amount of salt according to your own physical condition." The director neither denied the president's words, nor affirmed that eating salt is good for the human body, but gave a rather objective explanation, cleverly and eliminating the storm caused by the president's speech mistakes.This is the remedy for smoothing things over.The speech mistakes are cleverly saved by analyzing the words of the mistakes by slamming the east and the west. (3) persuasion Persuading a fight is often a last resort, especially as a leader, you need to be cautious. The following three principles can be used for reference: ① Do not blindly persuade a fight.If you don't talk about the point, not only will it be ineffective, but it will also arouse the resentment of the parties involved.It is necessary to find out the situation in as much detail as possible from the front and the side, and strive to speak the words of persuasion to the hearts of the parties concerned. ② To distinguish between primary and secondary.There is a difference between the primary and secondary parties in the quarrel, and the power should not be used equally to persuade the quarrel. The party who speaks fiercely and quarrels too much should focus on the work, so that it is easier to settle the dispute. ③ Be objective and fair.When persuading a fight, one must distinguish right from wrong, and cannot "make peace" unprincipled.It is not convincing to criticize both sides in general, without distinguishing between right and wrong.Some disputes have complex reasons or have a long history, so the mediator should analyze the specific situation and clarify the reasons dialectically, so that both parties can have a sense of identity and reach a consensus, so as to resolve the dispute. (4) and slime Generally speaking, "harmony" is a manifestation of irresponsibility, but for irrelevant or even trivial disputes, as a leader, "harmony" can also embody a kind of wisdom. There are three techniques for "He Xing Mui": ① Fragmentation and splitting.If the two sides are very angry, and there is a tendency to be on the verge of breaking out, at this time, the third party can make a decisive decision, and use some urgent excuse (such as someone looking for it, or an urgent call) to distract one of them and let them break away from contact, etc. They calmed down, their heads calmed down, and the dispute tended to subside. ② Make good use of vanity to compliment Circus.Throughout the ages, gentlemen and villains have always liked to listen to good words. When they are very upset or unhappy with the person concerned, as long as others say a few decent words, the mist will clear up. Once, Xie Jin accompanied Zhu Yuanzhang to fish in the Jinshui River, and found nothing for a whole morning.Zhu Yuanzhang was very frustrated, so he ordered Xie Jin to write a poem about it.Not catching any fish is already a disappointment, so how do you write this poem?Xie Jin is worthy of being a talented man. After thinking for a while, he immediately read out of his mouth: "A few feet of silk enters the water, and the golden hook is thrown away forever. Every fish dare not face the emperor, and the long-lived king only hooks the dragon." Zhu Yuanzhang heard, Long Yan is very happy. ③ win with emotion.The third party can use the past relationship between the two parties to impress them and make them take the initiative to "retreat".Or use the friendship between yourself and each of them as a bargaining chip, and say: "You are all my good friends, and you are in a stalemate, which makes me very sad. Just for my sake, let's shake hands and make peace." Generally speaking, both parties will take the face of the third party, and get off the ladder. The "circle" of the circle has no fixed skills, and the "field" of the circle has no specific and undoubted situation.The Circus needs caring people, and even more adaptable caring people. People can not escape from doing wrong?Leaders are not perfect, there will always be times when they do something wrong, offend others and need to apologize to others.However, as a leader, it is not easy to make a timely and sincere apology, because it is related to the leader's personal face and authority.In fact, an apology is a very important means of communication, it can effectively resolve all kinds of contradictions in interpersonal relationships and eliminate barriers.Therefore, as a successful leader, you must master various apology language skills, and apologize to people in a timely and skillful manner. So how do you apologize?There are various ways of apologizing, the most common and needing attention are the following: (1) Have the courage to take responsibility To apologize, you must first have the sincerity and courage to take responsibility.Not only is an apology not a shameful thing, but it can better reflect a person's good character and self-cultivation. In the allusion of "pleading guilty to a thorn", people not only admire Lin Xiangru's "tolerance is great", but also admire Lian Po's courage and sincerity of "correcting if there is a mistake".Some people apologize "like a lute half covering their face", with "because" on the left and "assumption" on the right, emphasizing various objective factors, or shifting the responsibility to others, saying "if it weren't for him... I wouldn't...", while It is rare to ask yourself whether you are innocent.Such an apology is naturally pale and weak, and it cannot make people feel understanding.Although some people have apologized, they always want to find excuses for their mistakes in order to save face.Doing so will only make people feel that you are not sincere.An apology without sincerity will not be forgiven by others.An apology must have the sincerity of "Lianpo style". Only with sincerity will you have the courage to say "I'm sorry, this matter is my responsibility, please forgive me". (2) Be good at grasping the opportunity It's hard to imagine decades later that "I'm sorry" isn't a late confession.Therefore, if you are wrong, seize the right moment and admit it in time.Instead of waiting for others to criticize and criticize, it is better to take the initiative to admit your mistakes and apologize, which will make it easier to get the understanding and forgiveness of the other party.Those who firmly believe that they are always right, and always arbitrarily accuse the other party of being wrong when they have a dispute, but never admit their mistakes or apologize, will not be able to convince the public at all.Leaders admitting mistakes will not lose face or lose prestige, but will help maintain their image and improve prestige.A leader who admits mistakes and takes the initiative to take responsibility has more prestige and wins the trust, support, and love of subordinates than leaders who boast that they are always right and push down responsibility for mistakes. An apology should be chosen when the other party is calm or in a better mood. "People are happy when they have happy events." At this time, he is more likely to accept your apology, shake hands with you, and reunite with you.Of course, sooner rather than later.To make an apology, you must be good at choosing the right place. It is best to apologize in person, or ask the other party to an elegant and quiet place, where both parties can calm down, and naturally it is easy to talk openly and honestly, turning hostility into friendship. (3) Cleverly borrowing things to express feelings A direct apology may embarrass both yourself and the other party under certain circumstances, resulting in an unfavorable situation. However, if you apologize in a clever and unique way, you can make the other party feel surprised and moved, and accept it without hesitation.Therefore, when the shore is separated from each other, smart people discover bridges and boats, and the connection between the two sides is "impossible for people to do, and good and false things are also"; when the heart is separated from the heart, the leader should also use external objects to express Mind.If a direct apology is inappropriate, you might as well make a phone call or write a sincere letter at the right time to apologize.Of course, you can also ask someone you both trust to convey the apology on your behalf.In addition, a bouquet of flowers can also clear up the past; putting a small gift on the other party's desk can express regret, which is the so-called "silence speaks louder at this time".This kind of apology "monogatari" that borrows things to express meaning will have excellent feedback. (4) Apology language should be civilized and standardized If you are ashamed of others, you should say: "I am deeply sorry", "I am very ashamed".Eager to forgive, you need to say: "Forgive me a lot", "Please forgive me".If you need to trouble others, you can say: "Excuse me" or "Trouble".In general occasions, you can say: "I'm sorry", "I'm sorry", "I'm sorry" and so on.In short, to apologize sincerely, the tone should be gentle, frank but not humble, stare at the other party with friendly eyes, and use more polite words.The language of the apology should be concise.As long as the basic attitude has been expressed, and the other party has expressed understanding reasonably, avoid verboseness and repetition.Otherwise, the other party has to suspect that you are judging the heart of a gentleman with the heart of a villain, lest others will not understand. (5) Praise instead of apology Generally speaking, everyone can do it when blaming themselves when apologizing, but they often forget to praise the other party.In fact, praise is also a good way to apologize.When apologizing, praise the other party, let the other party get a sense of self-satisfaction, know that you are right and others are wrong, so that you can easily get the other party's understanding.After an unpleasant incident at work, you can try your best to talk about the other party's strengths in public, affirm the other party's achievements, and never say that an apology is a shame.For example, former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill initially said to American President Truman that he had underestimated him before, which was an apology in the form of praise.After most people are praised, they will unconsciously do what they say. In short, a sincere apology can not only make up for the unharmonious relationship with employees, but also promote psychological communication between each other, enhance feelings, and make this relationship stronger. Disturbing the situation is maliciously disrupting the order of the scene, making it difficult for the speaker to speak, or even being forced to stop.This situation occurs mainly in one-way communication.For example, in classes, reports, conference speeches, speeches, etc., the audience holds small meetings, shifts seats, enters and exits at will, makes noise, laughs, booes, whistles, and applauds blindly. Let's analyze the causes and solutions of several disruptions in detail. (1) The listener itself has a prejudice against the speaker and is an opponent.The reason why he came to listen was to take advantage of the loopholes and make trouble. No matter what you said, he would disturb you. To deal with such a situation, the speaker must strengthen his confidence and turn a deaf ear. In February 1860, Lincoln ran for president of the United States for the first time and gave a speech at a society in New York.By the time he arrived in New York, the local newspapers had published many articles attacking him.When he stepped onto the stage, before he could speak, there was a roar of ridicule from the audience.Not long after the speech started, the audience was already very chaotic, and some Republicans shouted loudly for him to get off the stage.But Lincoln was completely unmoved, and continued speaking very calmly as he had prepared in advance.Gradually, the venue became quiet. Except for Lincoln's voice, there was only the burning sound of gas lamps, and the audience was fascinated by it.The next day, newspapers published articles praising Lincoln's exceptionally successful speeches. As a spokesperson, you can only control the appearance of disruptors yourself.It is not the ultimate solution to the problem to rely on others who have a stake in the listener to intervene, suppress, or exit in anger.In doing so, the negative effects may be even worse.Therefore, the speaker must face up to the disruption and take the initiative to exercise control. (2) The speaker's ideological, academic, and business level is not high, and the listener feels that the words are meaningless, and it is a waste of time to listen. For this kind of troublemaker, the speaker must be modest and prudent, and blame himself. In the 1986 Philippine general election, Mrs. Co Aquino, a candidate, was accused of being a housewife who didn't understand why.She took the stage to deliver a campaign speech, and many people viewed her in this light.The opposition publicly yelled that she was only worthy of being around the pot and asked her to go back to cooking.As soon as she opened her mouth, she said: "I am just a housewife, and I don't know much about politics and economics, and I have no experience." This sincere and sincere truth made the audience quiet for a while.Then she said: "Although I am a layman in politics, as a housewife who revolves around the pot, I am proficient in daily economics!" The audience immediately burst into enthusiastic cheers. (3) The listener is not interested in the content of the speech. For the third reason, the speaker should be humorous and lively. According to the propaganda work plan of the factory, the propaganda director of a certain factory went to a branch factory to publicize current affairs policies.Some workers in the branch factory are worried about being laid off.But at this juncture, I dare not stop listening.When the director of the branch factory talked about the current affairs policy content that the minister wanted to preach, the audience exploded, and there was a lot of noise.The minister opened his throat and shouted: "I have good news for everyone." The audience suddenly fell silent.The minister deliberately paused for a while before saying: "My wife is resigned!" The audience was stunned for a moment, and then fell silent.Then the minister started with how his wife voluntarily asked to be laid off, and vividly described the conversations between the husband and wife and the objections of the children.After the audience's emotions were fully mobilized, they briefly talked about why they were laid off and the current situation of layoffs.Afterwards, everyone said that the minister really knew how to speak. In the process of interpersonal communication, no matter how good the eloquence is, it is inevitable to fall into the embarrassment of not expressing the meaning, not to mention the occasional lack of energy, improper behavior, and inexplicable stupid things.These embarrassments and even embarrassments occur, although the reasons are different, but the consequences are similar: they are easy to laugh at, or cause disputes, and sometimes even get out of hand.This kind of thing does a lot of damage to the prestige of the leader, so we must find a way to resolve it in time.We can get some inspiration from the following examples. (1) Timely correction Once when Ruan Ji went to court in the early morning, a waiter came to report suddenly: "Someone killed my mother!" Ruan Ji had always been unrestrained, and said casually, "It's fine to kill my father, how can I kill my mother?" There was a big uproar in the civil and military courts, thinking that he did not pay attention to filial piety.Ruan Ji also realized that his wording was inappropriate, and quickly explained: "I mean, a beast knows its mother but not its father. Killing the father is like a beast; what about killing the mother? It's even worse than a beast." Everyone is irrefutable. Ruan Ji cleverly cited a metaphor, changed the topic unconsciously in front of everyone, and subtly quelled the anger of the crowd.When your inadvertent words cause public outrage, you might as well try this trick. (2) divert attention Former US Secretary of State Kissinger was a successful diplomat.Once, when he was interviewed by the Italian female reporter Farage, when he talked about his successful foreign policy, he even boasted: "Americans admire western cowboys who go out alone, and it has always been my style, or my skill. As soon as this remark was published in the newspaper, it immediately caused an uproar, and even those who always admired Kissinger were dissatisfied with his reckless remarks.However, Kissinger is Kissinger after all. Not only did he calm down, but he wisely took the initiative to accept the interview and took the opportunity to declare: "Meeting Farage was the most stupid thing in my life. She misinterpreted my words and took I'm just here to write an article." Regarding the words of Ji Xinji and Faraqi, who is true and who is false, outsiders are suddenly puzzled by Monk Zhang Er.This is a way to divert other people's attention.It can reduce the seriousness of mistakes, but in general, you should be cautious when applying this method, because it is actually blaming others, and it is best to use it sparingly unless it is absolutely necessary, so as not to damage your reputation and lose the trust of others. (3) Sincere and frank When former U.S. President Reagan visited Brazil, due to the fatigue of the journey, he made an unforgivable joke at the welcome banquet: "Ladies and gentlemen! Today, I am very happy to visit the Bolivian people." There was silence, everyone looked at each other in blank dismay, and went inside if they didn't know.Someone reminded the president in a low voice that he had slipped his tongue, and Reagan quickly changed his words: "I'm sorry, we visited Bolivia not long ago." up. "Sincerely confess and change your words in time" is a wonderful way to remedy speech mistakes.As long as mistakes are discovered in time, speech mistakes can be covered up and embarrassment can be avoided.People who have the courage to admit mistakes are always welcome. It is much better to make up for mistakes with a candid apology, and to win forgiveness with a sincere review than to cover up and cover up your mistakes.When you accidentally say the wrong thing, you might as well admit it publicly, and I believe everyone will readily accept it. Another example happened to US President Truman. His daughter Margaret gave a concert and was criticized as worthless by the critic Hume.In a fit of anger, Truman wrote a letter to scold Hume, calling him a "bad critic" and "I hope to meet you one day. At that time, be careful of your nose." This letter was made public by Hume, and the image of the president plummeted Truman wisely chose the way of public apology. He sincerely said to the people: "My feelings are very fragile, and sometimes I can't control myself." It's rare for a president to do something like this.Not only did he not lose the support of the public because of his rude words last time, but he also gained more supporters because of his true feelings.This also verifies an old Chinese proverb: "If you lose your fortune, you will lose your fortune." Adding words and subtracting words to the "wrong words" that one has said to change the meaning is another trick to cleverly correct the words. Remedies for speech errors or inappropriate conduct should be taken in different ways depending on the occasion.Only by using it flexibly can we be victorious in every battle.If you stick to the form, it will only make things worse. A leader who is truly self-cultivated is often the most humble person.The so-called "the more mature the ears of rice are, the more drooping" is the truth. As a leader, you must first be aware of this and keep learning what inspires you.同样的，在日常生活中，对每一位下属，要试着去找出他们的长处，向他们学习，尽管对方是下属。一个成功的人，往往不是一开始即具备非凡的能力，而是不断地向他人学习，吸取别人的长处，从学习的过程中，一步一步地发展自己的才能。所谓“成功是经验的累积”便是这个道理。 许多人一开口，就喜欢以“我年轻时……”或“我到外国时……”等话，作为吹嘘的材料。也许他深知，对方绝不可能会有与他相同的经验去加以证实。因此颇乐于此道，然而他忽略了一点，那就是别人在听这些话时，一点也不觉得有趣，聆听他人的失败经验，或许还能获得“他山之石，可以攻玉”的收获，而听他这些自我夸耀的话，则是毫无所得。然而，许多单位的领导者很容易犯这个毛病。 这种自我表现的欲望，不只是未成熟的年轻人才有，即使那些德高望重的年长者，也不可避免。其中，不乏以仅有的功绩大肆吹嘘者。 一位老者在乘船时，听一些旅游者讲起关于在鱼肚子里发现珍珠宝物的故事，无聊之时，他凑上去说：“我给你们讲一个真实的故事吧。我年轻的时候，曾和一位漂亮的女演员谈过恋爱，后来，我到国外分公司任职，一去就是两年，我和女演员的联络因此也越来越少。在回国之前，我特意买了一枚钻石戒指，准备给女朋友一个惊喜，然而半路上得知，一个月前，女演员已和某男影星结婚了。我一气之下把戒指扔进了大海。几天后，我回到了国内某市，在一家餐馆喝闷酒，鱼端上来了，我心烦意乱地塞进嘴里，刚嚼了两下，忽然牙被一个东西硌了一下。你们猜，我吃着了什么？”“戒指。”大伙一齐说道。“不！”老人诡秘地一笑，“是一块鱼骨头。”“哈……”人群突然爆发出爽朗的笑声。现场气氛也随之活跃起来，众人为有这样一位虽然陌生但却豁达开朗的老人加入谈话队伍感到高兴。 豁达开朗，是一种乐观积极的人生态度，在谈话中传达给听者的是健康向上的精神力量，人们从中不仅能获得快乐，还能减轻某些方面的痛苦和压力，在赢得别人好感的同时赢得了友谊，这正是谈话的人格魅力之所在。 （1）话题内容 闪烁于表面的言辞，往往是为内心的错误想法寻求“合理化”的借口，正如伊索寓言里的狐狸，因吃不到葡萄就说葡萄酸，以便堂而皇之地溜之大吉。 欲求不满更多表现在工作岗位上，在高楼林立的地区，只要在进餐时间走进餐厅或咖啡厅，一定可以听到一些人发泄对工作不满或分配不平的情绪。这类话题集中的程度，有时竟然使你怀疑，这些上班的人们是否就没有其他话题可说。但也正因为如此，常使人感到被安排到公司组织里的人非常脆弱，他们在说不平与不满时，竟都成为不自觉的行动。主要的原因，也是由于长期压抑的结果。 出现于言辞不满和内心真正的意识往往也有不同之处。 有时，表面的言辞是一种借口，而内心的想法却是另外一回事。对二者的关系，一位瑞典学者曾做过一项有趣调查，他以将近200名女性职员为对象，做面对面的谈话，结果发现越是对工资不满的人，也越是无法热衷于工作的人。她们口头上虽说因为工资低而无法热衷工作，实际上她们讨厌本职工作的情绪完全超过对工资的不满。 这种说法，与伊索寓言里狐狸的逻辑相同，狐狸因为没能吃上葡萄，失败的痛楚和自卑感在作怪，急于要找个正当的理由开脱。心理学上将这种找借口为自己的错误开脱的行为，称之为寻求“合理化”。如果你周围遇到一有机会就抱怨待遇低的人，其人必如伊索寓言中的狐狸，“吃不到葡萄而说葡萄酸”，以工资低为名，使自己对工作不负责任的事实“合理化”。 有人经常以抨击领导来抬高自己；有人靠炫耀过去来掩盖现在，这些都是以声东击西的方式在展开话题，以发泄不满。 和对待遇的不满一样，工作人员的不平与不满往往从谈论领导的话题中展现出来。比如说，自己想出人头地，却又无能升官，就抬出某领导因有后台而升官的说法，来为自己没能升官的事实寻求“合理化”。 另外有些人的不满，一旦直接表现出来，往往会受到无情的指责，又无从寻求“合理化”以自慰，也无从以声东击西的办法发泄出来。于是，只好把不满压抑下来，日积月累，终将以特异的形态表现出来，然而仍不可直接对不满对象进行抨击，于是就表现为转弯抹角的谩骂，以假代真，使人无从进行反击。这些方式虽然卑劣，但由此解开了心结，对其心理的压抑，也有缓和的作用。 （2）话题展开方式 从话题展开的过程中，往往能够明显看出一个人的品格和特殊的心理状态如前所述，由话题呈现的深层心理，除了从话题的内容去看，还要注意话题展开的方式。如有人不管大家正在讨论什么，突然站起来提出与讨论问题毫不相干的话题，这是人们都很反感的举动。例如，大家正在谈仓库管理问题时，突然有位主管站起来说：“哦！对了，明天的会议取消，我要去打高尔夫球。”可以说这样的主管是相当霸道而不得人心的，而且工作草率，不负责任。这种人多半支配欲、自我显示欲都很强，而且蔑视他人，唯我独尊。当然更谈不上顾全大局关心他人。因此，他很难合群相处。 在很多优秀的领导者中，你还会发现其中不少人从不提出话题，却经常追踪对方的话题，而且还会使对方提出的话题更加扩展开来，结果，往往能够将对方知道的情况全部引导出来，这种人真可谓是谈话专家。 就其性格来说，这种人拥有一颗宽容而善良的心，能够深入了解他人。此外，还有一种人，说起话来总是抓不住中心，“东扯葫芦西扯瓢”，想到什么就说什么，毫无规则地不断改变话题。这种人或是无法进行逻辑思考的人，或者是心中有什么不安，情绪不稳定，思绪万千，而无法系统归纳，以致使谈话的内容支离破碎，听起来使人非常无聊。 （3）讲话的神态 在纽约一家售卖公司里，有个一流的销货员提出反常的论调，说他已经能够使“兰草”在无种子、无根的情形之下生长。根据他的经验，他将山胡桃木的灰烬撒在新犁过的土壤里，然后一眨眼间兰草便出现了！他坚决相信山胡桃木灰，而且只有山胡桃木灰是兰草长出的原因。 评论他的讲演时，卡耐基曾温和地对他指出，他这种非凡的发现，如果是真的，将使他一夜之间成为百万富翁。因为兰草种子每公斤价值好几块钱。卡耐基还告诉他，这项发现会使他成为人类史上一位极杰出的科学家。其他人也都觉得这个销货员说得非常荒谬，而他连一点点的领悟也没有。他对自己的立论非常得意，得意得不可救药。他即刻站起来告诉卡耐基，他没有错。他抗议说，他并未引据理论，只是陈述自己的经验而已。并继续往下说，扩大了原先的论述，列出更多的资料，举出更多的证据，他的声音充满着真诚与诚实。 事情的发展简直令人不可思议。好几个学生都站到他那边去了，许多人开始怀疑。卡耐基也知道一半以上的人将会站在他那边，于是就问那些站到他那边的人，是什么动摇了他们原先的观点？One by one, they all said that the speaker's zeal and conviction had made them themselves doubt the views of common sense. 因此，当众说话时，你便会依着自己倾注谈话中的热心程度来表现出自己的热诚与兴趣。不要抑制自己真诚的情感，也不要在自己真实感人的热情上加个闭气闸。让听众看看，你对谈论自己的题目有多热诚，这样，你就能把握住听众的注意力。 美国前总统林肯在总统大选期间曾收到一封住在西部的一位少女的来信，信的内容如下：“你的演讲的确令人感动，但是你那言辞尖锐的评论气氛过于强烈，如果能带点父亲跟家人谈天的轻松气氛，我相信一定能得到更多人的支持，因此我建议你不妨留点胡子，这样也许能调节那种严肃的气氛。”林肯听取了这位小女孩的忠告留起了胡子，胡子的存在缓和了不少尖锐的气氛。这个建议使得林肯在大选中赢得了大多数选民的支持，从而最终获胜。 这个事例说明了领导者亲和力的重要性。需要指出的是，感召力也体现为一种亲和力。因此，做到上下同心，必须在领导者和追随者之间形成一种互相信赖的氛围，这在很大程度上取决于领导者的亲和力。亲和力要求圆融，而不是尖锐。尖锐的态度往往是与人接近、影响并感召他人时的障碍。 个人感召力是非权力领导力的一种，是指一个人凭借其人格魅力、品性、风格、声望、心理品质、礼仪修炼等个人内在与外在素质的综合作用，在一定条件下，对特定个人或群体定向产生的感化和召唤的能力；或者说是一种不依靠物质刺激或强迫，而全凭人格和信仰的力量去领导和鼓舞人的能力。 因此，领导感召力的主导是领导者，这包括要不要实施感召，要对何人和何群体实施感召，实施感召的切入点和方式如何，实施感召的目的如何，怎样评价感召的实施效果等，这一切都是由领导者决定的。 这种个人素质包括内在的素质和外在的素质两个方面。外在的素质主要指言行的内容形式和效果，它体现为一种水平、能力和仪态修养。内在的素质主要指领导人的品格、作风、做事风格、声望和社会身份、心理品质等。领导感召力是内在素质和外在素质很好地融合之后综合表现出来的一种能力。 1933年3月4日，富兰克林·罗斯福登上总统宝座。在大萧条的困境中，他使人们对政治体系的信心得以恢复。作为一位富有感召力的领袖和杰出的政治家，他为后来的总统们树立了典范。 “这是一个民族献身的日子。值此我就职之际，我确信同胞们期待着我能以我国当前情势所迫切要求的坦率和果敢来发表演说。现在尤其有必要坦白而果敢地讲真话，全部的真实情况。我们不必畏缩，不必躲闪而不敢正视今天的现实。这个伟大的国家将会像从前那样经受住考验，它将复兴起来，繁荣下去。因此，首先让我表明我的坚定信念：我们唯一必须恐惧的就是恐惧本身——会把使我们变退却为前进的努力陷于瘫痪的那种无可名状的、缺乏理性的、毫无根据的恐惧。” 充满自信和激情的声音通过无线电广播网传到了全国千百万守坐在收音机旁的人民耳中。 高尚的品格，是人性最高形式的体现，它能最大限度地展现人的价值。领导的高尚品格，最能体现领导的魅力。从静态上看，他们往往具有较高的内部和外部的魅力素质；从动态上看，他们常常能吸引、感召、凝聚千百万群众甘愿追随。 我们应该清楚地看到：影响一个民族，一个国家的品质的，不仅仅是伟人的品格、英雄的品格，更要考虑在身边群体中经常发生影响的品格——各级各类领导的品格。高尚品格的领导总会引起和他具有类似品格的人的注意，并把他们吸引到自己的周围，每一个积极的努力的举动，都会成为榜样在群众中产生一定的感染力。