Chapter 6 Chapter 5 Nine Basic Principles for Getting Along with People

Carnegie's advice: In moments of "depression" that we all experience, if we can't say good things about people, we'd better not say anything at all. There's a time-tested saying, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." It should be a mantra for what to say throughout the day, and it's a golden word.Let me tell a story here first. A king asked his two ministers to find two things in the world: one is the best in the world, and the other is the worst in the world.The two ministers set out separately and returned to the palace at the time appointed by the king, presenting to the king what they found and thought most suitable.The first minister opened the box and showed the best thing in the world, which contained a human tongue; the other minister also opened the box and showed the worst thing in the world, which also contained a human tongue.

The human tongue can be said to be the best thing in the world, or it can be said to be the worst thing in the world.Because on different occasions, some people use one sentence to make the whole atmosphere lively, and some people use one sentence to destroy the whole atmosphere. "James" said: "It is not right for praise and cursing to come from the same mouth." If the words spoken are not beneficial to others or yourself, then it is better not to say them, rather than to increase them. Necessary trouble is not as good as "silence is golden".Therefore, you must think twice before speaking, and stop when you speak, and first think about whether what you want to say is good or bad.

A wise person will always control his tongue to prevent himself from saying something wrong and spreading rumors around. A man ran to a philosopher in a hurry and said, "I have some news for you..." "Wait a moment," interrupted the philosopher, "has the news you are about to tell me passed through three sieves?" "Three sieves? Which three sieves?" the man asked puzzled. "The first of these three sieves is called truth. Is the news you want to tell me true?" "I don't know, I heard it from the street..." "Now you use the second sieve. If the news you want to tell me is not true, it should at least be kind." The man hesitated and said, "No, on the contrary..."

The philosopher interrupted him again: "Then you use a third sieve. I want to ask you, is the news that excites you so important?" "Not important." The man replied shyly. "Since what you are going to tell me is neither true, nor kind, nor important, then do not say it! Then the news will not bother you and me," said the philosopher. Some people just like this. They usually cannot be upright, honest and kind, but they like to gossip, gossip, and chatter about trivial matters all day long.This is a kind of trouble for both the speaker and the listener, and it is of no benefit.This kind of person must be a mediocre person if he is not a villain.Therefore, those who can speak should carefully consider whether what you say is beneficial to the progress of the matter before speaking, or whether it can achieve the purpose and effect you want.

After David's parents divorced, he was sentenced to his mother, who raised and cared for him.Due to financial constraints, the mother and son had to move to another city.David then also went to a new school to take classes and began to make new friends.The changes broke his heart. He began to resent children whose parents hadn't divorced, and often got into fights for petty or no-reason reasons.In this miserable life he had developed the habit of being unduly exacting.He hardly had a good word for anyone. One day, a classmate who knew David's situation very well walked up to him. "My parents are getting divorced too," he said softly. "I know you're hurting. But you've got to let go of your anger and pain. You're only hurting yourself when you get in trouble with other people. If you can't say something If you have something nice to say, you'd better not say anything."

David did initially have a hard time taking this classmate's advice because of his pain, but now that things seemed to be getting worse, he became more cautious about what he said.He often swallowed back words that were about to be blurted out. In the past, his hurtful and sarcastic words would have been unrestrained.He began to realize how little he cared about his classmates before.As his understanding expanded, he began to understand that he was not alone in experiencing family upheavals like his, but that many other children had also experienced embarrassing family breakdowns.David began to think of ways to encourage them and help them deal with their pain and confusion.By the end of the term, David had undergone a radical U-turn and gained the affections of fellow students who had alienated him because of his inability to control his temper.

Anyone at home, school, or work has probably experienced emotionally stressful situations.We are often tempted to blame others when things don't go our way, and we may think that finding fault with others will make us feel better about our situation.But it may also be thinking like this: "I'm having a hard time, so don't think about it either." Destructive language often produces destructive results.In moments of “down” that we all go through, if we can’t say good things about people, we might as well not say anything at all.Know that in addition to causing unnecessary pain to those around us, the negative words that come out of our mouths often only compound the problem.

We don't have any reason to say crude and hurtful things, even when we're faced with overwhelming challenges in life.As mentioned earlier, the child whose parents are divorced is tormented by many feelings and emotions that he cannot understand and cannot resolve.But he finally discovered that belittling and hurting others is not the answer.By speaking kindly and understandingly, or simply by listening to others with sympathy, he finally learns to help others; in turn, he is helped by those around him, and he finally finds in himself the courage to live. We have to learn to control our tongues, but the real way to control our tongues is to release our inner thoughts. In all aspects of life, if people carry heavy thoughts.This can have a fatal effect on themselves and others, because these thought problems emphasize the negative rather than the positive.Therefore, it is important for us to understand that creative thinking arises from a constant search for answers.

When you feel out of control, remember to: (1) Sooner or later the unpleasant moments will pass, and if our tongues do not cause trouble, they will leave no wounds to heal. (2) Demeaning and hurting others with destructive language is not the answer. (3) Don't let impulsive emotions help you solve the problem, it will only make the problem worse, and eventually even you will lose your goal. Carnegie's advice: Cultivate yourself to think from the other person's point of view as well as your own -- if you learn this alone, it is enough to turn a new page in your life path. I have a habit of going fishing in Maine every summer.I like to eat bayberry and butter, but I don't use these things as bait to lure fish into the bait.For the needs of fish, I only use water bugs that they all love to eat as bait.

Of course, I can also use bayberry or butter as bait, and put it into the water with a bug or grasshopper at the same time, and then ask the fish for advice: "Hey, which one do you want to eat?" Think, why don't we use the same method to "fish" a person? Therefore, when interacting with others, don't keep in mind their mistakes that they don't even care about, and don't blame others - only a fool would do that; try to understand others, that is a wise, generous and extraordinary person .You must know that the reason why the other party thinks and acts that way naturally has his reasons.If you can find that hidden reason, you will have the key to understanding his behavior and personality.

Once, Emerson and his son wanted to get a calf into the cowshed, and they made a mistake that most people often make: they only thought about what they needed, but did not consider the position of the calf.So, Emerson pushed back with all his strength, and his son pulled the calf vigorously in front, and the calf, just like them, only insisted on its own ideas, and saw it straighten its legs and firmly refused. Get off that grass.The two sides are at such a stalemate, and neither is willing to make concessions. The Irish maid saw this scene. Although this woman did not know how to write articles, she was very familiar with the feelings and habits of cattle, horses and livestock. Therefore, she immediately thought of what this disobedient calf wanted. what.The maid approached the calf and put her thumb into the calf's mouth to let it suck. The calf immediately became very docile and obedient, and obediently followed the maid into the cowshed. Look, in the face of the stubborn calf, the smart Emerson is not as good as an ordinary maid, because he never thinks from the standpoint of the calf, but the maid does.From the first day we came into this world, every action we take, every starting point is for ourselves and for our needs. Then, try to make yourself sincerely think about problems from the standpoint of others, and speak from the standpoint of others.If you say to yourself, "How would I feel and how would I react if I were in his situation?" We don't hate the result." Professor Harley Overstowe, in one of his influential books, said: "Action is born out of the basic human desires... The best advice for anyone who wants to persuade others is either in In business, in family, in school, in politics, arouse some urgent need in other people's minds. If he can do this successfully, then the whole world belongs to him, and he will never run into trouble again. It's the end of the road." When we are eager to persuade someone, we might as well ask ourselves before we speak: "How can I make him do this?" achievement.Let's see how others have successfully done this. Barbara Anderson originally worked in a New York bank, but for the sake of her son's health, she wanted to move to Phoenix, Arizona.Therefore, she wrote 12 letters in advance and sent them to 12 banks in Phoenix.Her letter reads: Will Mrs. Anderson get her wish?As a result, 11 banks in Phoenix expressed their willingness to interview, so she could choose the one with better treatment!Why is there such a result?Mrs. Anderson did not state what she needed, only how she could help the bank.She focused on the needs of the bank, not herself.That's why she succeeded. It's that simple to stand in the position of the other party.But there are many people who don't know how to see things from the other side's point of view throughout their lives. For many years, I used to take a walk in the park not far from home.There is a notice board on the side of the park, which reads: "Anyone who starts a fire shall be fined and imprisoned." But the notice was erected in a remote place, and few children saw it.The man in charge of this article was a policeman on horseback, who evidently did not take his duties very seriously, and fires broke out and spread frequently. At one point, I ran to the police and told him that there was a fire in one part of the park and it was spreading, and I told him to call the fire department immediately.But he was very indifferent about it, saying that it had nothing to do with him.For this reason, I spontaneously protect the public property of the park. Initially, I didn't understand the point of view of these children who set the fire at all.When I see them on fire, I'm furious and eager to do good.I rushed up on my horse and warned the children that it would cause a fire and be imprisoned.I also ordered them with authority to put out the fire, and threatened to arrest them if they refused. I vented the anger in my heart, completely disregarding their feelings, what happened?The children complied—complied with a sense of revulsion.But when I left them, these rebellious and hateful kids started the fire again and wanted to burn down the park. Many years later, I have a better understanding of the knowledge of interpersonal relationships, and I know how to look at problems from the perspective of the other party.So, instead of giving orders, I would ride up to the kids who set the fire and say to them, "Have you had fun, kids? What are you doing for dinner? When I was a kid, I loved making a fire too —I still like it. But you know it's dangerous to start a fire in a park. I know you're careful, but the other kids aren't as careful. They see you make a fire, and they do, but They might just forget to put out the fire and end up with a park fire that burns down the trees. I want to see you live happily, but please keep the leaves away from the fire, please? Before you go, use more carefully Cover the fire with some mud, won't you? Then there's no danger...Thanks, boys! Have fun." This statement worked very well, the children were very cooperative, they didn't hold a grudge, and they didn't resent it.Because I took their ideas into account and they were okay with it, so they did. Many salespeople are tired and frustrated every day, but they don't get much.why?Because they only think about their own needs.They don't know that you and I don't want to buy anything, and if they do, they will definitely go out by themselves.Customers always prefer to buy proactively rather than passively. There was such a story. A few years ago, I lived in a small community called "Forest Hills" in New York.One day, in my haste to the station, I happened to meet a real estate agent.He has been running the real estate business in the vicinity for many years, and he is also very familiar with "Forest Villa".I asked him if he knew if my stucco house was made of rebar or hollow brick, and he said no, and gave me a business card asking me to call him.The next day, I got a letter from this realtor.Did he answer my question in the letter?The problem could have been solved over the phone in a minute, but he didn't.In the letter he still asked me to call him and said he would help me with home insurance. He didn't want to do me a favor, he wanted to do himself a favor. Howard Lucas of Birmingham, Alabama, told me how two salesmen who worked for the same company approached the same transaction: "Several years ago, a few friends and I jointly ran a small company. There is a service office of a big insurance company near our company. The brokers of this insurance company have assigned jurisdictions and are responsible for our area. There are two, let's call them Karl and John!" "Carl passed by my company one morning and mentioned a new life insurance policy for company executives. He thought I might be interested, so he let me know first, after he collected more information. Come and explain in detail." “That same day, after coffee break, John saw us walking on the sidewalk and said, ‘Hey, Luke, I have some big news for you. bought a life insurance for executives (exactly the kind Carl mentioned) and he gave some important information and said 'this insurance is up to date, I'm going to ask the head office to send someone tomorrow to detail it Please sign the application form first and I will send it up, so that they can handle it quickly. His enthusiasm aroused our interest. And because the deal is done, I believe that John must have the most basic understanding of this insurance. John not only sold us the insurance, but also tripled the number of items he sold.” "This business belonged to Carl, but he didn't perform enough to attract our attention, so that John got ahead of him." Owen Young is a famous lawyer and a well-known business leader in the United States.He said: "People who can put themselves in other people's shoes and understand what others are thinking will never have to worry about the future." "Pay attention to other people's opinions and arouse their desires" does not mean "manipulating others to do things that are beneficial to you but harmful to him", but should mean "both parties can benefit from this matter." Profit".In Mrs. Anderson's letters to twelve banks in Phoenix, in John's deal to sell life insurance to Lucas, both parties benefited from the way things were handled. A phone engineer who can't get his 3 year old daughter to breakfast, no matter how much he reprimands, coaxes or demands, it doesn't help.The little girl loves to imitate her mother and to feel grown up.So, one morning, the parents put the little girl in a chair and let her prepare her own breakfast.Sure enough, the little girl worked very hard, and when she saw her father in the kitchen, she exclaimed, "Look, Daddy, I made my own cereal this morning!" It made her feel "deeply important".She found her avenue for self-expression entirely in the process of mixing cereal. Self-expression is the primary need in human nature.We can also apply this psychological need to business transactions.When we come up with a good idea, don't let others think that it is our patent.Let them adjust those concepts by themselves, they will think that it is their own idea, and they will take in a lot more because they like it very much. We should remember to arouse the desire in others first.Whoever can do this, the world will be with him.Such a person is never lonely.If you finish reading this book and learn just one thing -- develop yourself to think from the other person's point of view as much as your own -- if you learn just that, it will be enough to open up your life path. a new page. 5 minutes to get strangers: (1) Only by understanding what others think, can you get what you want. (2) There is only one way to influence others, and that is by asking what they want and letting them know how to get it. (3) A successful interpersonal relationship lies in your ability to capture the other party's point of view, and you must take into account the different perspectives of you and the other party when looking at a thing. (4) Your success in life depends on your ability to accept other people's views with sympathy. Carnegie's advice: The best way to get friendship is to focus on giving rather than getting, but it should be won by yourself, not by temporary attraction or coaxing. I often hear complaints from many people, "I'm too shy to get noticed", "No one is interested in me", or "People don't want to know me", etc.Yes, why should others like you?The world has no obligation to like you or me, or anyone.Is there any particular reason that someone would pick you on (whether for work or social reasons)?Unless we have the qualities they want, they don't need to pay special attention to you. Marianne Anderson once described her early life very vividly. At that time, her career failed, her whole person was very frustrated, and she almost gave up her singing career.Later, relying on prayer and spiritual pursuit, she gradually regained her courage and confidence, and was ready to continue fighting for her career.One day, she said enthusiastically to her mother: "I want to keep singing! I want everyone to like me! I want to keep pursuing perfection!" The mother replied: "Very good! This is a very good ambition, but you must know that our Lord Jesus came to this world in a perfect image, but there are still people who don't like him. Before a person can achieve a great cause, he must Learn to be humble first." Marianne was deeply moved by this, so she decided to "strive" for perfection in her musical attainments instead of "wanting" perfection. "Humility precedes greatness" was the best gift her mother ever gave her. The famous writer Homer Clovis is a good friend of mine, and he knows how to make friends very well.Anyone who meets him, whether it is a scavenger, a millionaire, a woman, a child, or an old child, will have a good impression of him within 15 minutes of being with him.Children would crawl on his lap, friends' servants would take special care to prepare his meals, and if it was announced, "Homer Clovis will be here tonight!" no one would be absent from the feast that day. .In addition to the deep affection among friends, Homer Clovis' family also loved him very much.His wife, daughter, and several grandchildren all spoke highly of him. How on earth did the writer achieve such happiness?He is neither young nor handsome, nor is he a millionaire. What charm can he have to attract people?It is also very simple to say, it is to treat people with sincerity and love others.He doesn't put on airs at all, and makes people feel like he really likes and cares about them.For him, he doesn't care who the other party is or what he does.As long as it is a human being, it means a lot to him and deserves love.Every time he met a stranger, he would soon be able to talk like an old friend, not talking about his own affairs, but trying to talk about the other person's affairs.By asking questions, he can know where the other party is from, what he does, whether he has any family members, etc.He doesn't nag, he just shows his interest and concern to the other person, so as to build a friendship. Of course, in order to obtain friendship and love, we must first realize that "giving is more blessed than receiving", and then express this recognition with practical behavior.We can't just hide gold mines in our hearts, gold must be used to show its value, as the "Bible" said: "By the fruits they bear, you will know them." This method, even those who love to laugh at life the most People will reveal their fragrance like flowers in the sun.As Ambassador Joseph Grew said: "The secret of diplomacy is only five words - I want to like you." From this we know that the best way to get friendship is to focus on giving rather than getting, but it should be won by yourself, not by temporary attraction or coaxing.The so-called ability to win friendships does not mean hooking shoulders, striking up conversations, acting funny, or telling funny jokes.That should refer to a state of mind, an attitude toward the world, or a desire to give one's love, interests, attention, and service to others. Harry Bliss, chairman of General Manufacturing Company, who sold sewing machines for a living during college, concluded: "If you want to be successful as a salesman, you have to ignore the quantity you want to sell and focus on it. Mentally explain to customers what kind of service you can provide." His experience is also the truth that all experienced salesmen agree on. introduce products. If a person puts his energies in the service of others, he becomes irresistible.How can you say no to someone who is trying to help you out? Mr Bliss said: "I say to salesmen, if they think all day long, 'I'm going to try to help as many people as possible today' instead of 'I'm going to try to sell as many products as possible today,' Find out how easy it is to get close to the buyer. Then you can sell surprisingly well. A salesman of the highest order is one who can help his fellow man to have a happy, easy life." When playing golf, we are told not to take our eyes off the ball; when teaching speaking skills to adults, we tell the student to keep his mind on the message he wants to convey.Nervousness and fear are all manifestations of worrying about the result, which is not advisable.I myself learned this the hard way.I used to be a shy person with a natural inability to speak publicly, and confronting an audience was as taxing as an ordinary person confronting a congressional investigating committee. Several years ago, when I was preparing to give a speech, the audience was said to be quite difficult.I had dinner with a good friend beforehand, and I couldn't help showing my nervousness. "What if the audience doesn't agree with what I'm saying?" I asked my friend nervously. "What if they don't like me?" "Yes," replied the friend, "why should they like you? What can you do for them? Do you think what you have to say is important?" "I admit that those things mean a lot to me," I said. "Very well," she went on, "I don't think it matters whether the audience likes you or not. What matters is whether you get your message across. What does it matter if they like you or hate you? At least you've done your job." This remark from my friend changed my whole view of speeches.Now, whenever I prepare to give a speech, I pray silently beforehand: "God, please help me to deliver a message that is beneficial to these audiences, so that they will be rewarded and go home full of joy." His prayers have been very useful to me, and I do hope to be helpful to my listeners.This kind of prayer made me humbly realize that I am just a speaker to convey some information, not to show off my knowledge or style.My purpose is to give my listeners some inspirational thoughts that will help them in their lives. The star of "Strong Heart", a well-known Hollywood comedy star J. Allen Boone, learned a lot from observing the performance of "Strong Heart".He later compiled what he learned into "Letter to "Strong Heart"", which became a bestseller.According to Mr. Boone, this is a very remarkable dog, always willing to carry out his orders, and perform all kinds of actions required for the plot in the movie.The rare thing is that it does it, never for a reward, but out of love and enjoyment of getting things done.On several occasions, "Strong Heart" has performed purely for its own pleasure.That's probably why it's such a movie star. Mr. Boone also spoke of the time he confronted a young girl dancing.When she tried dancing for the first time, she was as nervous as a bride getting married, afraid that she would fail.So he comforted her: "Don't care about the result, just dance purely for the joy of dancing, and dance for God." Soon, the girl's mentality changed completely. In the same way, the whole secret of friendship is to stop worrying about the outcome, not caring about whether people will like us, and doing everything that inspires love and friendship now.In this regard, the words of Sir William Osler are worthy of our consideration. He said: "What we should do is not to look at the vague future, but to do the things in front of us down-to-earth." The reality is that when we are still in the When I was dreaming of age, I often dreamed that one day I would write the greatest novel, and imagined how others would appreciate that book, how they would hear applause, and how they would get that eternal glory. Imagine what kind of clothes you want to wear, where you go, how others praise, pursue, and keep quoting what you have said.We thought a lot, but never thought about the difficulties we might encounter, or the tedious hard work, the tears and sweat that would be shed during the creative process.We think about the rewards of glory, not how hard it is to earn it.Such childish behavior in childhood can be said to be a typical psychological manifestation of "a lonely heart wants friendship" or "want to establish a good relationship with others".Only, we got the order wrong.We hope that others will like us first, but we never think about how to make others like us. For this reason, if we want to win the likes of more people and create broader interpersonal relationships, then we should recognize this truth: "Sincerely like each other." If you don't know how to get along with people, please remember: (1.) He who is indifferent to others will suffer great hardship and great injury to others during his lifetime.It is this kind of person who has caused all kinds of mistakes in human beings. (2) There is only one way in the world to get another person to do anything—give him what he wants. Carnegie's advice: violent and rude methods can never win good popularity, only friendly methods can conquer others' hearts. "If you come to me with two fists clenched," President Wilson said, "I'm sorry, I promise I'll make my fists as tight as yours. But if you come to me and say, 'Let's sit down and talk about it, See why we don't agree with each other'. Then we'll soon find out that our differences aren't really that big, we see more of the same thing than we do. So if we have the patience to communicate with each other, we can understand each other." The one who appreciates Wilson's wise words most is John Rockefeller Jr. In 1915, Rockefeller was the most despised man in Colorado.The bloodiest strike in American industrial history raged for two years in Colorado, as angry and brutish miners demanded higher wages at the Colorado Coal and Iron Company, now owned by Rockefeller.At the time, properties were destroyed, troops were mobilized, and there was much bloodshed.Striking workers were crushed and shot, and many bodies were battered and battered.In such a hateful situation, Rockefeller wanted to get the strikers to accept his views, and he did, using exactly this method. He first spent weeks negotiating with workers and then addressing workers' representatives.The speech was a masterpiece, and it had astonishing effect: it not only appeased the intimidators who wanted Rockefeller to swallow him, but it won him many admirers.He laid out the facts in a very friendly manner and got the strikers back to work without mentioning any more wages.Here is the opening part of that famous speech, and look at the friendly spirit that flows between the lines.You know, those who listened to Rockefeller's speech planned to hang him on a sour apple tree a few days ago.Yet to these people he could not have been more benevolent and friendly, as if addressing a group of preachers.His speech reads as follows: "Today is a memorable day in my life. This is the first time I have been so lucky to meet the labor representatives, employees and supervisors of this great company. From the bottom of my heart, I am honored to be here, and in my Never in my life will I forget this gathering. If it had been two weeks ago, I would have been a stranger to most of you and I've only known a handful of faces. Last week I had the opportunity I visited all the households in the South Mining District, and I talked to almost all the representatives except those who went out. I saw your family members, your wives and children. We meet here today, no longer strangers, but friends. Also in this spirit of mutual goodwill, I am fortunate to have this opportunity to discuss with you issues of our mutual concern." "This is a rally attended by company employees and worker representatives. The reason why I can come here is all because of your kindness. Although I am neither a company employee nor a worker representative, I still feel close to you because In a way, I represent both shareholders and directors." If you lose your temper with someone when you are angry, you will certainly feel comfortable, but what will happen to the other party?Can he also share your joy?Can your explosive tone, your hostile attitude, make him agree with you?Isn't the story of John Rockefeller Jr. an ideal example of turning an enemy into a friend?If Rockefeller had used another method, if he had argued with the miners, had vehemently presented the facts of the destruction of the mine to their face, if he had told them in a suggestive tone that they were wrong, if he had used logic rules to prove them wrong, so what happens?That's bound to fuel more anger, more hatred, and more resistance. About 100 years ago, Lincoln expressed his views on this. He said this: "There's an old adage that 'a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of bile'. It's the same with people. If you're going to convince someone to agree with you, you've got to convince him that you're his true friend .It is like a drop of honey, win his heart with a drop of honey, then you can make him walk on the road of reason." If a man is dissatisfied with you because he is at odds with you and has a bad opinion of you, there is nothing you can do to convince him of you.Scolding parents, tough bosses and husbands, and nagging wives should understand that people don't want to change their minds, and they can't be forced or forced to agree with you or me.But if we are gentle and kind—very gentle, very kind—we can lead them to be in line with us. Now more and more people realize this, and more and more businessmen are realizing that it pays to be nice to the strikers. When 2,500 workers of the Walt Motor Company organized a trade union strike to increase wages, the company manager Burlake did not get angry, punish, or intimidate.Instead, he also praised the strikers.He placed an ad in the Cleveland Gazette extolling their "tool-down peaceful situation."When he saw that the pickets were bored, he bought them baseball bats and gloves, and asked them to play baseball in the field.He even rented a ball room for those who liked to play baseball. Manager Burlake's friendliness had an immediate effect, awakening the spirit of friendliness in the strikers.So the strikers borrowed brooms, shovels, and garbage trucks and began sweeping the factory grounds.In the history of strikes in the United States, such a thing has never been heard.That strike was settled within a week and ended without rancor or disgust. Daniel West is good looking, an eloquent and very accomplished defense attorney.He has a knack for expressing his strong points in court in kind and gentle terms.For example, he will say "This should be considered by the jury", "Gentlemen, this may be worth thinking about", "Gentlemen, these few facts I believe you will not ignore", or "Because of your understanding of human nature knowledge of these facts, it is easy to see the importance of these facts". There is no coercion or high-pressure means, and he never imposes his opinions on others.West is famous for his soft-spoken and serene friendliness in his defense. Of course many people will never face and regulate a strike wave, or speak to a jury, but you might want your landlord to reduce your rent.Then, this kind approach will also be of great help to you. There was an engineer in my class named Staber, who was struggling for a while, so he wanted his rent to be reduced.But he knew that the landlord is a very difficult person, "Nevertheless, I still want to try." Sdebo said in a speech in class, "So I wrote him a letter. Inform the landlord, the contract When the term is over, I will move out immediately. But in fact, I didn't want to move out at that time. If the rent can be reduced, I would like to continue to live in it, but it seems that this is not possible. Other tenants have also tried various methods- —including warnings and even intimidation—everybody told me that landlords are hard to deal with. But, I said to myself, I’m learning how to deal with people, so I’m going to try it on him and see if it works.” As soon as Staber's landlord received his letter, he and his secretary found him.Staples stood at the door to welcome the landlord, full of kindness and enthusiasm.At the beginning of the conversation, Staber did not talk about the high rent, but emphasized how much he liked his house.Stable praised the landlord for his management and said that he would like to live for another year, but he really couldn't afford the expensive rent. "He obviously had never seen a tenant so enthusiastic about him, and he simply didn't know what to do." Sdeber described the scene at that time.Next, the landlord began to complain to Staple, complaining about the tenants, saying that one of them had written him 14 letters, which were too insulting to him.Another tenant threatened to quit the lease if the upstairs tenant couldn't be stopped from snoring. "It's such a relief to have a satisfied tenant like you!" the landlord praised Stable. Of course, the final result is satisfactory.The landlord offered to reduce some of the rent before Staber made a request. "But it's still a relatively high number." Sdeber said what he could afford, and the landlord agreed without saying anything.When he left, he turned around and asked, "Is there anything I want to decorate for you?" "If I had used the same methods that other tenants have used to force the landlord to reduce the rent, I am sure I would have encountered the same difficulties as them. This kind, sympathetic, and appreciative approach has brought me to my own Purpose." If a person can realize that a friendly way can better improve the interpersonal relationship around him, then he will also show a gentle and friendly attitude in his daily words and deeds.Violent and rude methods can never win good popularity, only friendly methods can conquer the hearts of others. Mentally strong people tend to be very gentle: (1) If the other party succumbs to you under some kind of pressure, he will not agree with you deep down. (2) If you want others to respect your intentions, you must first learn to respect others. (3) Gentleness and kindness are always stronger than anger and violence. Carnegie's advice: Listening carefully to the other party's conversation is the highest compliment we can give to others. Recently I met a famous botanist at a dinner party given by the famous publisher Glebe in New York.I've never talked to a botanist before, but I find him extremely alluring.I have been sitting in a chair, quietly listening to his introduction of marijuana, the great botanist Bolbon, and houseplants.He also told me many amazing facts about cheap potatoes.Since I have a small indoor garden of my own, I often have some problems, so he was very enthusiastic to tell me how to solve my problems. As I have said, we are at a banquet.There were, of course, a dozen other guests, but I violated the usual protocol by not noticing the others, and talked for hours with the botanist.In the middle of the night, when I was saying goodbye to everyone, the botanist turned to the host and praised me, saying: "Mr. Carnegie is really a most inspiring person." One way is this way, one way I am that way... In short, he concluded that I was a "most charming talker". A charismatic talker?I?But I said very little in this conversation.In fact, even if I were asked to do so, I could say nothing if I did not change the subject, for I am as ignorant of botany as I am of animal anatomy. But notice that I have managed to listen carefully to what he has to say.I listened intently because I was genuinely interested.Of course, he was aware of this too, and it obviously pleased him. It can be seen that this kind of listening carefully to the other person's conversation is just one of the highest compliments we can give to others. A similar story also happened in another party of mine.That time, I was invited to a bridge party.Since I don't know how to play bridge, I sit on the side.It just so happened that I was surrounded by a beautiful lady who couldn't play bridge when she learned that I had been Mr. Lowell Thomas's personal assistant before he went into radio broadcasting, and that I had traveled with him all over Europe, by When I came to give him the lively travel talk that was about to be broadcast, she exclaimed happily: "Ah! Mr. Carnegie, can you tell me about the tourist attractions you have seen?" So we sat down on the couch and she told me that she and her husband had recently returned from a trip to Africa. "Africa," I said, "this is a very interesting place! I've always wanted to see Africa, but I've never been anywhere except a day in Algeria. Tell me, have you been to the Beast Haunted country? Isn't it? You are so lucky! I really envy you! Can you tell me about Africa!" As a result, our conversation lasted 45 minutes.The lady stopped asking me where I had been or what I had seen.In fact, she didn't really want to hear me talk about my travels, all she wanted was a genuine listener who would take the opportunity to expand her sense of self-esteem by telling about the places she'd been. Is it special for her to do this?No, in fact, many people are like this.For example, Woodford writes in his book "People in Love": "Few people can resist the kind of careful listening with compliments." And I went further than that.I told the botanist that I had been treated with the utmost care and guidance, and indeed I felt.I told him that I really wish I had his knowledge, and I do.I also told him that I wished to go roaming in the fields with him, which was my true wish.I also told him that I had to see him again - I really had to see him again.That is why the botanist thought I was a good talker.But I was really just a good listener and encouraged him to talk. A few years ago, I was a guest at the home of a woman, now a grandma, who told me how she was appreciated by men for being a good listener.she said to me: "Mr. Carnegie, I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone, not even my husband. "I was born into a very poor family in Philadelphia, and the greatest tragedy of my childhood and youth was that I was poor. I couldn't have as much entertainment as other girls, and my clothes were never the best materials, plus I grew up so fast that my clothes never fit and they weren't in fashion. I always felt ashamed and wronged, and ended up crying myself to sleep. Finally, out of desperation, I came up with a solution , That is, every time I attend a dinner party, I always ask my male partner to tell me his own past experiences, some of his opinions, and his plans for the future. "I didn't do it because I was particularly interested in what he had to say; I did it because I didn't want him to notice that I was wearing ugly clothes. But something strange happened very quickly, when I heard these young people talk to As I talked and got to know them better, I really started to take an interest in what they had to say. Sometimes I was so interested that I forgot how I was dressed. But the thing that surprised me the most, was Because I can listen to other people's conversations, and I can encourage those boys to talk about themselves, which makes them very happy, so I gradually became the most popular girl in our place, and finally 3 boys came to propose to me .” If you are good at listening to others, you will become a master of speech and become the most popular person.This is not enough, known as the "secret secret" in business talks, it is also "listen to the person who is speaking to you attentively".As for successful business dealings, there is no mystery, and there is nothing more satisfying than that. The truth is obvious, isn't it?You don't have to go to Harvard to understand this truth.But you and I also know this situation: Some businessmen rent luxurious storefronts to do business, and the design of the windows is also in place, which can completely move people's hearts. Know to be a listener.These waiters will even interrupt the conversation of customers, refute their views, irritate them, and some even drive customers out. Walton bought a suit at a department store in Newark, New Jersey, near the ocean.But after he put on this suit, he was very disappointed, because the jacket was faded and his shirt collar was blackened.So Mr. Walton took the suit back to the mall, found the salesman, and told him about it.But before he could finish speaking, he was interrupted by the other party. "We've sold thousands of sets of these clothes," the salesperson retorted. "You're the first to find fault." That's what the salesman said, and the tone of his voice sounded more unbearable than that.His gunpowder-smelling voice seemed to say, "You're lying. You're trying to bully us, aren't you? Well, I'll show you some color." While the two were arguing, another salesperson joined in."All black clothes fade at first, it's only natural," he said. "At this price, of course it will. It's the paint." "By this point I couldn't stand it any longer, and I was furious," said Mr. Walton. "The first clerk doubted my honesty; the second implied that I had bought a cheap item. I was annoyed then." I was about to scold them when the sales manager walked in. Obviously, he understood the importance of his position, and it was he who completely changed my attitude from an annoyed customer to a A satisfied customer." How did he do it? "He first listened quietly to my story from the beginning to the end without interjecting a word. After I finished speaking, the two salesmen wanted to express their opinions again, but the manager stood in my position and refuted Not only did he point out that my collar was clearly stained by the suit, but he insisted that if the item did not satisfy the customer, it should not be sold in their store. Finally, he admitted that he did not know the cause of the problem and was frank about the I said 'what do you want me to do with this suit? Whatever you say we can work on'." "A few minutes ago, I would have wanted them to keep that suit to themselves, but now I reply 'I just want to hear from you. I want to know if this is a temporary situation or if there is no solution '. So, he suggested that I wear this suit for another week. He said, 'If you are still not satisfied by then, we will definitely replace you with a satisfactory one. We are very sorry for causing you trouble.' "I walked out of the store satisfied. A week later there was nothing wrong with the suit and my anger at that store was completely gone. "You see, the reason why the manager became the sales manager is because he knows the art of speaking. As for his two subordinate employees, I think they should stay in the status of sales staff for life. Oh, no , they should be relegated to the packaging department and never deal with customers." This is why the same problem, solved by different people, has different results.The crux of the problem lies in whether you are the other party's loyal audience? Critical people, even the most vehement critics, are often softened in the presence of a patient and sympathetic listener, while the angry provocateur bites like a serpent At times, the listener should remain silent and just listen carefully to what he has to say. A few years ago, the New York Telephone Company had to find a way to appease a customer who cursed at an operator.He was really cursing.He cursed hysterically, even threatening to knock down the phone line.Not only did he refuse to pay certain charges as unreasonable, he wrote letters to various newspapers, he made numerous complaints to the Public Service Commission, and he sued the phone company in court several times.In the end, the phone company sent an experienced mediator to see the troublemaker. After the mediator arrived at the customer's home, he didn't say anything, just listened to him quietly.No matter what the other party said, he listened quietly.The phone company mediator listened intently and repeatedly said yes, sympathizing with his grievances. “He continued to speak without hesitation. I listened in silence for nearly three hours,” the mediator said, describing his experience in my training class. “I went to him many times afterwards, and listened quietly to him again. I met him 4 times in total and by the end of my 4th visit I was a lead member of an organization he was starting. He called it 'Telephone Users The Society for the Protection of Rights'. I am still a member of this organization. However, besides this old gentleman, I am the only member of his organization, so far as I know." "Then," said the mediator, "during several visits, I listened to him and agreed with everything he said. No one from the phone company had ever talked to him like I did before. made him almost friendly. When I visited him the first time, I didn't mention the purpose of seeing him. On the second and third times, I didn't mention my purpose. But on the fourth time, I brought this matter to a happy ending - the old gentleman paid all the bills owed and got him to withdraw his complaint to the Public Service Commission for the first time since fighting the phone company." Apparently, this old man thought he was fighting for the common good and protecting the rights of the public, and he was unwilling to be ruthlessly deprived, but he was actually pursuing a sense of self-respect.He first gained this sense of self-esteem by picking and complaining, and once he got the sense of self-respect from the telephone company representative, all his unreal grievances disappeared immediately. So, if you want to be a good talker, you must first be a good listener.This is just as Mrs. Li said: "If you want others to be interested in you, you must first be interested in others." Speak up and tell them about themselves and what they've accomplished. Never forget that the person you are talking to is only interested in himself, his needs, and his problems a hundred times more than you and your problems. It is easier and more popular to listen than to talk: (1) If you want to be a good talker, you must first be a good listener.It’s easy to do this by asking people questions they like to answer and encouraging them to talk about themselves and what they’ve accomplished.Listening carefully to what the other person has to say is the highest compliment we can give to others.Few people can resist that kind of careful listening with compliments. (2) What is the secret to a successful business meeting, the "secret secret"?It is the most important thing to listen to the person who is speaking to you.As for successful business dealings, there is no mystery, and there is nothing more satisfying than that. (3) Many famous people have told me that they prefer a good listener to a good talker.But the ability to listen well seems to be possessed by people less than any other ability. Carnegie's advice: Everyone is interested in themselves. As long as you can express your interest in others and actively guide them to talk about the topics you are interested in, you will not only be a master of speech, but also a manipulator A master of the human heart. Everyone who has visited President Roosevelt will be amazed by his profound knowledge. "Whether it was a shepherd boy or a knight, or a politician or diplomat in New York," wrote Bradford, the authoritative author on Roosevelt, "Roosevelt knew what to talk to him about." How did Roosevelt possess such charm?It's easy!No matter who Roosevelt wanted to meet, he would always sleep a little later the night before the other party's arrival, and read some knowledge that the other party was particularly interested in.Roosevelt, like all leaders, knew that the best way to get in touch with the other person's inner thoughts was to talk to the other person about the things that most interested him. It seems that successful people understand this truth. Mr. Philip, the former professor of Yale University, is a very kind person.He talked about his early life. "When I was eight years old, I went to my aunt's house once, and it was a weekend," Philip wrote in an essay on human nature. "A middle-aged man came to my aunt's house one evening. After a few casual conversations, he turned his attention to me. I was very interested in boats at the time, and this visitor talked to me about them, which of course took a special interest in me. He I have admired him since I left. He is a lawyer in New York, and he should not have been so enthusiastic about boats, or even interested at all." "But why does he talk to me all the time about ships?" Philip asked his aunt. My aunt said: "Because he is a noble man. He sees that you are interested in boats, and he talks about these topics that concern and interest you. In this way, he makes himself a popular man." Finally, Professor Philip added: "I will never forget what my aunt said to me." I kept in touch with Mr. Charif, a man who was very enthusiastic about the Scouting cause.In his letter he mentioned to me the story that happened to him. "One day, I felt that I needed help from others," Mr. Charif wrote in the letter. "There will be a boy scout summer camp in Europe. I would like to invite the manager of a large company in the United States to sponsor me and a boy scout. travel expenses. Fortunately, before I went to visit the manager, I heard that he had written a check for $1 million. You know, it was $1 million! So, after meeting him, I Tell him I've never in my life heard of a check for such a huge amount; and I'm going to tell my boy scouts that I did see a check for a million dollars. The manager was very happy as a result He handed me the check. I kept admiring it, and asked him to give me the details of how it was drawn." Note that Mr. Charif initially did not talk to the other about the Boy Scouts or the European summer camps, or about the help he wanted.He just talks about topics that the other party is interested in, so that the other party is willing to talk to him.Then came the situation which Mr. Charife says next. After a while, the manager I visited asked me, "Oh, what can I do for you?" I told him my story.To my surprise, he not only immediately agreed to my request, but also very generously gave me more financial assistance.I was only asking him to fund one Boy Scout to go to Europe, but he generously funded 5 Boy Scouts and myself, wrote me a check for $1000 and suggested we spend 7 weeks in Europe .Then, he wrote me another letter of introduction, introducing me to the manager of his European branch and asking him to help us when the time comes. When we arrived in Europe, he personally picked us up in Paris and took us on a tour of this beautiful city.Since then, he has been very enthusiastic about the cause of our Boy Scouts, and often provides job opportunities for Boy Scouts from poor families. Mr. Charif said again: "But I also know very well that if I hadn't found a topic of interest to him and made him happy, then not only would this matter not be so easy, I think there might even be a 1/10 chance. nothing." This is the miraculous effect of this method, which can form a good communication effect and open up your interpersonal relationship.Of course, you may pay more attention to whether this method is also valuable in business activities, so let me give you another example to see how Mr. Dufino, the manager of Dufino, a high-end bread company in New York, did it. Mr. Dufino had been trying to sell his bread to a big restaurant in New York.For four consecutive years, Mr. Dufino has visited the manager of the hotel almost every week, and often attends various social gatherings organized by the manager.In order to facilitate this business, Mr. Dufino even rented a room in this hotel to live there, hoping to make this business.But despite Mr. Dufreno's best efforts, he was unable to get the manager's big bucks to sign off on the contract. “Then,” Mr. Duverneau said, “I did my research on human interaction and decided to change my strategy. I decided to find out what the person was interested in, what he cared about most, what he was most passionate about. "I found out that he is a member of the American Hotel Industry Association. Not only that, because he has such strong interest and enthusiasm for this cause, he was elected as the chairman of this organization. Every time there is a meeting or any event, he No matter how busy you are, you will come to participate without hesitation. “So, when I went to visit him again, I started talking to him about the hotel association. Guess what his reaction was? It was amazing how good the response I got! He spent half an hour with me Talking about the hotel industry association. Throughout the conversation, he was full of energy, full of enthusiasm, and his voice was very loud. From this, I could see that it was the hotel industry association that he was interested in. It can be said that he put his own All my energy was put into it. Just before I left his office, he persuaded me to join this association. "During the entire meeting, I didn't mention a single word about bread to him. But within a few days, I received a call from his restaurant supervisor, asking me to send the bread sample and quotation.' I don't know what magic you put on the old man', the executive told me on the phone, 'he's really impressed by you'." "Imagine, I have dealt with this manager for 4 years, trying to sell him bread, but I have never been successful. If I hadn't managed to find out what he was interested in, and learned about the topics he was willing to discuss, I'm afraid I I’m still fighting with him to death, but I’ve gotten nothing!” It can be seen that everyone is interested in themselves. As long as you can express your interest in others and actively guide them to talk about the topics you are interested in, you are not only a master of speech, but also a manipulator of people's hearts master. The New York Telephone Company has done a detailed study of phone conversations to see which words are used most often.It turns out that "I" is used the most.The word was used 3,990 times in 500 telephone conversations. When you look at a group photo of you in it, who do you look at first?If you think others care about you, please answer the following two questions: "If you died tonight, how many people would come to your funeral?" "If you don't care about others, will others care about you?" If we wanted only to be noticed and interested in ourselves, we would never have many true and sincere friends.Friends, real friends, aren't made that way. The late famous psychologist Adler in Vienna wrote a book called "The Meaning of Life".In that book, he said: "The person who is indifferent to others has the most difficult life and the most damage to others. All human failures are caused by these people." Maybe you have read dozens of volumes There are books on science, but there is no book that is more important to you and me than this sentence.I don't like to repeat, but Adler's words are so profound that I wish to reproduce them below: "He who is indifferent to others has the most difficult life and the most injurious to others. All human failures , are all caused by these people.” If we want to make friends and be popular talkers, we need to deal with people with enthusiasm and vigor.You should use the same psychology when someone calls you.The way you speak to him should show how much you like him calling you.The New York Telephone Company has a course in which its operators are taught to say "Good morning, I'm glad to serve you" when they say "What number would you like to dial?"Let's keep that in mind when we answer the phone tomorrow. Does this philosophy work in business?Let's take a look. Charles Walder, an employee of a large bank in New York City, was once ordered to prepare a confidential document concerning a certain company.He knew someone who had the material he needed so badly. Walter then went to see this man, the chairman of a large industrial company.Just as Wald was ushered into the chairman's office, a young woman stuck her head in from the door and told the chairman that she had nothing to give him today. "Well," explained the chairman to Walder, "I'm collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son." Walter explained his purpose to him and began to ask him some questions.The chairman's answers were very vague—he was clearly unwilling to talk, and there was nothing to interest him and make him talk, so the meeting was short and dry. "I didn't know what to do, to be honest," Wald said as he told my class about the incident, "and then I remembered what his secretary had