Chapter 4 Chapter 3 Eight Perfect Communication Skills to Get Others to Agree with You

Carnegie's advice: Pointing out the mistakes of the other party is actually criticizing the other party. One day, when Charles Scoble passed his steel factory, he saw several workers smoking cigarettes together.They apparently forgot the company's stated policy of no smoking, or like many people who make mistakes, they are lucky.Should Mr. Scoble have picked them out and criticized them harshly?Or point them to the "No Smoking" sign?This will only embarrass the other party and generate resentment towards Schauber.He walked up to them calmly, gave each of them a cigar, and said to them, "Let's smoke it outside."

These workers, of course, did not go out to smoke with Scooper, but said to him: "Ah, we forgot the company's no-smoking policy. Please forgive me." Then they hurried back to their jobs.Of course, we can understand the complex feelings in their hearts: they feel guilty for making mistakes, but also feel grateful that they have not been punished or blamed, and at the same time, they have more respect for Mr. Scoble.They will definitely not make the same mistake in the future. When you find that the other party has made an obvious mistake, in order for the other party to correct it as soon as possible, you kindly say to him: "Look, John, there is such a mistake as you just said..." You fully expect him to Thank you, but the result surprised you, and even made you feel unreasonable-he firmly refused to admit that he made a mistake, let alone thank you.

You don't need to blame the other person for this, this kind of thing is too common, almost everyone will have this problem.The average person seems to be overwhelmed when others point out their mistakes, especially outright.This will give him an incredibly powerful force that compels him to refuse to accept your criticism or correction, even though he knows you are thinking out of him. Psychologists point out that a large part of this powerful force is self-identity at work.When what they believe is doubted or denied, everyone will have a kind of anxiety, feel that their self-esteem has been hurt, and even feel that their safety is no longer guaranteed.As a result, he'll instinctively refuse to admit he was wrong, even though he may think you're right.Therefore, when you want to persuade a person to understand his mistakes, don't point out the mistakes of the other party directly.

I believe that directly pointing out the other party's mistakes is actually criticizing the other party.No one likes to be criticized by others, even if he knows that he is doing something wrong, but people often do such stupid things.We often encounter some disturbing things around us, but many times as long as we change the way of expression, we may be able to easily achieve our goals. Mrs. Margie Jacob hired some very skilled workmen to add to the house.The first few days they kept making a mess of the yard with sawdust everywhere.Once, at the end of their day's work, the clever Mrs. Jacobs quietly called her children, and together they cleaned up the sawdust and piled it in a corner of the yard.The next day, when the workers came, she was very happy and said to the workers, "I am very happy that you cleaned the yard yesterday. To be honest, it is even cleaner than our previous yard."

After hearing these words, the workers were very happy, and they all piled up the sawdust in the corner of the yard.Just imagine what would happen to the workers if Mrs. Jacobs assumed the attitude of an employer?They would not hesitate to change to another job, because there are very few good construction workers like them. Judging from the results of the above two examples, it is quite correct to indirectly point out the mistakes of the other party.Use a gentle tone and indirectly point out the mistakes of others, so as not to arouse the other party's resentment. Indeed, as long as we point out the mistakes of the other party and at the same time pay attention to maintaining the self-esteem of the other party, we will easily receive good results.This is very in line with human nature - because we have no way to change the weakness of human nature, so we can only make what we do in line with human nature.Smart people will always find ways to do this, because they know that the effect of doing so is much better than pointing out the mistakes of the other party.

The upper-level figures of some large companies or institutions are usually difficult for ordinary people to meet. Part of the reason is that they are very busy, but the "filtering" of those subordinates is also an important reason: they do not want their superiors to be disturbed, so they help their superiors. Blocked many seemingly insignificant guests.This is not necessarily a good thing for those upper class figures. Karl Furlong encountered such trouble when he was the mayor of Orlando, Florida. He pursued an "open door" policy.At that time, he stipulated that citizens could come to see him directly if they needed something.However, those visiting citizens are often turned away by the staff.Later, in order to solve this problem satisfactorily, the clever mayor came up with a clever trick: he asked someone to tear down the door of his office.In this way, he is equivalent to telling the staff clearly and unequivocally to stop blocking those visitors.On the other hand, he hinted at the mistakes of the staff by his actions, but did not directly point them out, which gave them self-respect.

When Sergeant Major Harley Keser of the 542nd U.S. Army was leading a reserve officer, he faced a problem that was common in the military.What's the problem?The biggest difference between reservists and regular army trainers is haircuts, because reservists consider themselves just civilians, so they are very reluctant to cut their hair short.How to solve this problem?Like the Master Chiefs of the regular army, he could yell at his troops or threaten them.But he is unwilling to do so. He put it this way: "Gentlemen, you are all leaders. Nothing is more effective when you teach by example. You must set an example for those you lead. You should know the army's regulations on haircuts I'm going to get a haircut today too, and my hair is much shorter than some people's hair. You guys might as well look in the mirror, if you're going to be an example, is it time to get a haircut? We'll Help you arrange time to go to the barber shop in the camp to get a haircut."

The result is predictable.Several people took the initiative to look in front of the mirror, and then went to the barber shop to get their hair cut according to the regulations in the afternoon.The next morning, Sergeant Kayser commented that he had seen leadership qualities in some of the people on the team. On March 8, 1887, Henry Ward Beecher, America's most eloquent pastor and speaker, died.On the following Sunday, Lyman Abbott was invited to speak to pastors grieving over Beecher's death.Eager to succeed, he reworked and reworked his speeches, embellishing them with as much care as Flaubert did.Then he read the speech to his wife, but it wasn't very well written, really bad.But if his wife is uninformed, she might say something like: "Lyman, that sucks, it's absolutely unusable. You're going to put those listeners to sleep, and that sounds like an encyclopedia. You've been preaching for so many years, you should Could have written better. My God! Why don't you talk like a normal guy? Why don't you be more natural? You'd blow yourself up if you read that stuff."

If he said so, one can imagine the result.Yes, she knew the outcome.So, she put it another way: "My dear, if this speech is sent to the North American Review, it must be an excellent article." Lyman Abbott, of course, gladly accepted his wife's advice.Do you think he will actually send his speech to the North American Review?No, Abbott tore up his carefully prepared manuscript, and later gave a speech naturally without even using an outline.Abbott's wife praised his speech while subtly suggesting that her husband could not use it to deliver a speech.Of course Abbott knew this, so he did as his wife asked.

From the examples above, we can see that in order to persuade others without hurting others, you need to indirectly point out the mistakes of others. How to make the other party readily accept his shortcomings: (1) When you find one reason to point out the other party's mistake, the other party will definitely find ten reasons to refute you.So, don't let the other party have this kind of resistance. (2) Don't let the other party feel that you are taking pleasure in pointing out his mistakes. The best way is to point them out indirectly in a peaceful tone. (3) If you try to show your brilliance and superiority by criticizing the other party, you will not be welcomed.

(4) Mutual respect is the basis of interpersonal communication. Carnegie's advice: Ask others for advice as much as possible, and respect their advice, making the other person feel that the idea is entirely their own. No one likes to feel like they are being forced to buy something or ordered to do something.We'd rather feel like we're buying things of our own accord, or doing things on our own terms.We like other people to care about our wishes, needs and ideas.Just imagine, do you have more faith in the ideas you discover than in other people's ideas?Even if someone else's thoughts were offered to you on a expensive and delicate plate, you would not accept it happily. Yes, everyone has such thoughts.That being the case, wouldn't it be wishful thinking for you to force your thoughts down someone else's throat?So wouldn't it be wiser to make a suggestion and let others figure it out for themselves? Mr. Rudolf Selts from Philadelphia, a member of my class, once felt the need to cheer up a group of frustrated and disengaged car salesmen, so he called a sales meeting to encourage his men Tell them what they think and want about him.As they talked, he wrote their thoughts on the blackboard.Then he said: "I can give you all you can ask of me. Now tell me what I am entitled to from you?" The responses were quick: loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, cooperation, and passionate work 8 hours a day.One even volunteered to work 14-hour days.The meeting was a great success, giving new courage and new inspiration. Mr. Selts said: "They were essentially making a moral bargain with me. When I pledged to do my best, they also decided to do their best. Talking to them about their wishes and hopes is exactly what they want. food for thought.” Eugene Wesson lost countless dollars of income before he learned this truth. Wesson sells patterns for an atelier that designs patterns for fashion designers and textile manufacturers.Wesson has visited one of the most famous fashion design experts in New York once a week for three consecutive years. "He never refused to see me," said Wesson, "but he never bought my drawings either. He always looked at my drawings carefully and said 'No. Sir, I don't think we can have yours today. '." After 150 failures, Wesson finally understood the problem: he was stuck in the same old routine, too rigid.So he decided to spend one night a week learning the skills of dealing with people, trying to develop new ideas and create new enthusiasms. Before long, he was inspired to try a new approach.He took 6 unfinished drawings of the painters and ran to the designer's office. "I would like to ask you to do me a favor." He said, "here are some unfinished drawings, and I would like you to tell me how we should complete them to your satisfaction?" After looking at the pattern for a while, he said, "Put the pattern here with me, and come back to me in a few days." Three days later, Wesson went to him again, listened to his many suggestions, and then took back the drawings and finished them according to the designer's opinion.The results of it?They were all bought. That happened 9 months ago, and since then until now, the buyer has ordered dozens more drawings, all painted according to his opinion--As a result, Wesson made more than 1600 dollars from him . "I now understand why I have been unable to do business with this buyer for so many years," said Mr. Wesson. "I used to persuade him to buy what I thought he should buy. Now, on the contrary, I ask him to tell me His idea, so he felt that he was creating the pattern, and it was indeed the case. Even if I don’t sell it to him now, he will take the initiative to buy it.” This method is indeed fruitful, and the skill of persuading others lies in whether you let them accept your opinion wholeheartedly.President Roosevelt successfully carried out a reform in this way. When Theodore Roosevelt was governor of New York, he accomplished an extraordinary feat by forcefully pursuing some of the least favorite reforms of any head of government.How did he do it? When important positions became vacant, he asked political leaders to recommend to him who should fill them. "Originally," said Roosevelt, "they might nominate a weak party stick, the kind of person who needs 'care.' I told them it was not a good idea to appoint such a man, because the public would not approve." "Then they presented me with another party stick who did nothing, a man who, while above reproach, had nothing to commend him. I told them that this man did not live up to the public's expectations. Next I ask them to think about whether they can find someone who is clearly a better fit for the position. "The person they proposed the third time was acceptable, but still not very ideal. So I thanked them and asked them to try again. The person they proposed the fourth time was acceptable-their current proposal was correct. It was I who proposed it myself. I thanked them for their assistance and appointed this person—and I give them credit for the appointment... I told them that I did it to please them and that it was time It made me happy when it was their turn. And they did. They supported my bills like the Service Act and the Tax Exemption Act. That made me happy." Roosevelt used this method to successfully implement this difficult-to-implement reform plan. Please remember to ask others for advice as much as possible, and respect their suggestions, so that the other party feels that the idea is entirely their own decision.That's the secret to persuasion, and it's the secret to your success. In the business world, a car dealer in Long Island has also used this method successfully, selling an old car to a Scottish couple, and I can't see why it wouldn't work that way. At the time, the dealer showed the couple one car after another, but they were always dissatisfied, saying this one didn't fit, that one was damaged, and the price was too high—they always thought it was too expensive. Taller.The situation was quite helpless, so a used car dealer, who was also a student in my class, came to ask me to help him. I suggested that he stop selling to such "half-hearted people" and try to get them to come and buy.I told him, don't tell them what to do, but instead, let them tell you how to do it.Be sure to make them feel that they are making up their own minds. Sounds like a good idea, how did he do it?A few days later, when a customer wanted to trade in his old car for a new one, the salesman decided that he could try the previous suggestion.He knew the old car might be able to entice the Scottish couple.So he called the couple, hoping they would give him some advice—the valuation of the old car and whether it was worth buying, as a favor. When the couple arrived, the car dealer said, "You are a very astute buyer, and you understand the value of the car. But can you please take a look at it, test the performance of the car, and tell me How much should I discount this car?" The male buyer was all smiles, because finally someone asked for his opinion and his ability was recognized.He drove the old car up the boulevard from Jamaica to Mount Florest and back. "If you can get the car for $300," he advised, "you're in for a bargain." "If I bought it at that price, would you buy it?" the car dealer asked. "$300? Of course." Yes, this is the male buyer's own idea and his estimated price.So the deal was done immediately. Emerson said in the essay "Depending on Yourself": "In every creation and invention of genius, we see ideas that have been rejected by us in the past; great." Colonel Edward House had great influence in domestic and foreign affairs during President Wilson's administration.Wilson relied more on House's secret plots and advice than on his own cabinet members.How did Colonel House influence the President?We have the honor of having the answer because House himself told Arthur D. Smith, who in turn revealed it in the Sunday Evening Post. "'After getting to know the President,' said House, 'I have found that the best way to convince him of an idea is to plant it naturally in him, and to subtly make him understand it. The first time it worked, it was pure coincidence. I visited him at the White House to try to persuade him to pursue a policy he didn't seem to approve of. But a few days later , at a dinner party, I was surprised to hear him make my suggestion his own.'” Did House stop him, saying "That's not your opinion, it's mine"?Oh Nope.House would never do that.He was so shrewd that he disdained to take credit and only wanted to be effective, so he made Wilson continue to think that the idea was his own.Not only that, but he gave Wilson credit for making these opinions public. We must remember that the man we are dealing with tomorrow may have human frailties just like Wilson, so we should follow Colonel House's approach. This method was likewise applied to me by a man who lived in New Brunswick, and thus got my patronage of his business.At the time, I was planning to go boating and fishing in New Brunswick, so I wrote to the travel agent to inquire about it.My name and address were obviously listed in the public information, because I immediately received dozens of letters, brochures and printed materials from campsites and guides, and I was almost confused. Knowing which one to choose is good. Not long afterward, one of the camp directors did a very clever thing. He sent me the names and phone numbers of several New Yorkers he had hosted, and asked me to call them and let me investigate his camp. Case.I was surprised to find that I actually knew one of them.I called him to find out his impressions and feelings about the camp, then called the camp and told them my date of arrival.While everyone else was pushing me, the camp director let me make my own arrangements.Therefore, he won. How to make the other party have a wonderful "illusion": (1) Ask the other party for advice humbly, let the other party give you an idea, and make the other party feel that it is his own idea. (2) You only need to give proper reminders to let him think actively, and he will come to the same opinion as you, but if your intention to do so is too obvious, he will adopt a resistance mentality. (3) The best way to influence a man is to inadvertently transplant an opinion into his mind, so that it becomes his own. Carnegie's advice: You must consider the problem from his standpoint and further refute him. Virtually everyone you meet—even the person you see in the mirror—overestimates themselves and thinks they are kind and unselfish.Morgan analyzed in one of his short essays: "A man usually has two reasons for doing anything, one is pleasant and the other is real." As I said before, I am not as sure of many things as I used to be.This is not a pessimistic argument, but I can now understand some things more objectively, and no longer look at things from the narrow personal experience, personal knowledge, personal beliefs and personal standpoints as before.But many times, some people are still convinced of many things that I have confirmed before but now doubt.Thinking of this makes me very anxious. A murderer called "Two Guns" Crowley once drove his girlfriend on a country road, and he parked his car in the middle of the road.At this time, the police came over and asked him to show his driver's license.Without saying a word, he drew his pistol and shot at the police.When the policeman was lying on the ground, Crowley jumped out of the car, drew the policeman's pistol, and shot the body again.This was, of course, only one of Crowley's many crimes, for he had killed countless people in his life. On May 7, 1931, police surrounded Crowley in his girlfriend's apartment and threw tear gas into the house in an attempt to force Crowley out of the house.But even an hour later, Crowley crouched behind a couch and fired at the police.When the police captured Crowley, who was stubbornly resisting, New York City Police Chief Maroney made a public speech. He said: "This is a veritable murderer, and any trivial matter will become an excuse for him to kill." But Crowley himself didn't think so.He wrote in his open letter: "No one knows that I hide a tired and kind heart under my vicious appearance. I am not willing to kill anyone." Do you believe what he, the murderer, said?No, absolutely no one will believe it.But he actually felt that there was nothing wrong with him. Could it be that he deliberately defended himself?no.Because he didn't realize from the bottom of his heart where he was wrong.For such a person, what would you like to say to him? When you're talking, it's not uncommon to meet people who seem stubborn.These very stubborn people, from another perspective, we can call people with strong beliefs.These people will not easily change their views, as long as it is the fact they believe, if there is no more conclusive and stronger evidence, they will never doubt it. These people are actually very similar to this Mr. Crowley.What, compare them with this notorious murderer?Yes, please don't doubt it.They do have something in common, that is, the same stubbornness.It's just that Mr. Crowley made it look even more unconventional.I don't want to comment on these people, no matter what kind of personality you have, "not enough" and "over" may have the same effect, but for different things, this persistent belief often has different effects.For example, if you insist on something that you should not insist on, then it is your fault; and if there are some correct things, the more firmly you believe in them, the better for you. You are convinced that your opinion is right and that of others is wrong.But it is not an easy thing for you to let others realize this.You can't say to him: "The facts are clearly there." Such words are not convincing, because he has also seen the facts, but everyone sees the facts differently.But you clearly know that his opinion is a kind of prejudice, he is looking at the problem from what you think is not correct.At this time, you should try to make the other party understand things objectively.In this way, he will truly realize the mistakes he has made. Just like the previous case of the murderer, such a stubborn person is not limited to him. In our opinion, these heinous criminals are obviously wrong, but why are they so stubborn?Because we have been measuring them with our own values ​​and judging them with our own morality.For them, they are also seeing things from their own perspective, which is why everyone keeps making excuses when they make mistakes. The reasons why they make mistakes or commit crimes are complex, but the reason is simple: they all think what they are doing is right!These people have obviously made common sense mistakes (or crimes) and cannot look at problems objectively. How can we force ordinary people to be objective—they just cannot be objective on some relatively unimportant or unclear issues? Seeing it in a correct way-to see the problem in a completely correct way? After Theodore Roosevelt left the White House, he was annoyed by the conservative style of his successor, the Republican President Taft.Therefore, he not only severely criticized Taft in public, but also formed the "Elk Party", intending to run for president again.Their debate nearly collapsed the Republican Party, leading directly to the biggest defeat in the history of the Republican Party in the election history.But Taft did not blame himself for this. He said tearfully afterwards: "I don't think I did anything wrong." Let's not care who is right and who is wrong in this matter, but I can find that criticism is like sparks, it is enough to detonate vanity and self-esteem in people's hearts, and make people ignore that doing so may kill people .If Roosevelt had been able to consider the issue from Taft's standpoint - assuming that Roosevelt was right, this would not only allow Roosevelt to consider the issue more objectively, but of course it would also be able to persuade Taft to change his policy.And if Taft was right, he could do the same.And they seem to only know how to criticize, complain and blame each other, which is actually very stupid. To help others understand things objectively, we must first know what he thinks and how he came to this idea.Everyone has a certain habit of sticking to their own opinions.Of course they look at problems from their own experience and their own standpoint to make judgments, and they think this is right.When someone doubts his correctness, he will not hesitate to defend his views unless you can point out his fatal flaw.Therefore, you must consider the problem from his standpoint and further refute him. I would like to use my own personal experience to illustrate the importance of letting others see things objectively in persuading a person.When I usually persuade or persuade others to do a certain thing, I first stop and think about the question "how to make him do it willingly".This method has benefited me a lot. When I first gave my lectures, I rented a hotel ballroom in New York City as a venue.Each session of my training requires 20 nights of rental.I didn't worry about it at first, because the rent was an amount I could afford.But once, when a new round of speeches started, the hotel suddenly called me and told me that I had to pay rent that was three times higher than before.I don't want to change the venue of the speech because everything is already in place.I intend to persuade the manager of the hotel to dispel such thoughts.It was clear to me that they only had their own interests in mind, but I believed I could convince the manager. "Your notice really surprised me." I said to the manager with a smile when I saw him, "But I didn't come here to blame you. I know, if I were you, I would do the same Yes. Because if you don’t, the restaurant’s interests will be damaged, and you will be fired. Now, for the sake of the hotel, let’s analyze the pros and cons of this decision.” I took out a piece of paper that I had prepared a long time ago from my bag, and drew a line in the middle of the paper as a division of "pros" and "cons".Next, I wrote "can be used for other purposes" on the "benefit" side, and explained to him: "Yes, you can rent the ballroom to people for dancing or meetings. There is no doubt that it will definitely be more efficient than that." The price of renting it to me is higher. If you rent it to me, it means that you have lost a lot of money." Next, I wrote "Reduced Income" and "Advertising Effect" on the other side of the paper, and then explained to him: "First, because I can't pay your rent, I have to find another place. You are bound to vacate this ballroom for a period of time. Relatively speaking, this is a reduction in income compared to now. Secondly, you know that every time I give a series of lectures, it will attract many people - including many celebrities - to your hotel Residence, don't you think it's the best advertisement? How much do you need to spend each time you advertise in the newspapers? If I'm right, $5,000 should be necessary. And, the newspapers The effect of advertising may not be so great. Isn’t it very valuable for a hotel as big as yours?” Finally, I handed this piece of paper to the manager who was still thinking, and said to him: "For your benefit, please think about it carefully, and then inform me as soon as possible." Notified me that my rent only needs to be increased by 50%, not 3 times what was previously decided. I'm not here to explain how clever my approach is, I just want to show that when we persuade others, we can do it in a simpler and more effective way-let others be objective know things.As long as you can stay sane and calm, you can try to do the same. How to make the other party accept your "objective analysis": (1) Don't comment on other people's views, but tell the other party that he is currently bound by some objective condition or some wrong idea, and this prejudice should be eliminated. (2) Don't directly tell others what to do and what to think, but tell him what the real thing is. (3) You don't need to show what is right and what is wrong, but tell him what is true and what is false; or what is obvious and what is easily overlooked. Carnegie's advice: It would be much better if the critic began the conversation with the humility to admit that he was not blameless before pointing out the mistakes of others. We all have self-esteem, and some of us even reach the point of ego.When you point out other people's mistakes and criticize others, most people will subconsciously maintain their dignity and thus take a resistant attitude towards your criticism.This is one of the weaknesses of human nature.We must understand this weakness and use the proper art of criticism to achieve our purpose of criticism.It would be much better if the critic began the conversation with the humility to admit that he was not blameless before pointing out the faults of others. A few years ago, my niece Josephine Carnegie left her home in Kansas City to come to New York to work as my secretary.She was 19 years old, just three years out of high school, and had almost no work experience.Naturally, she makes some mistakes.Once, when she made another common-sense error, and I was about to criticize her, I said to myself, "Wait a minute, Dale Carnegie, just a moment. You're older than Joseph Fern is twice as old and has ten thousand times more experience. How can you expect her to have your point of view, your judgment, your energy--even though it's very mundane. Wait a minute, Dale, you What were you doing at 19? Remember your stupid moves, your stupid mistakes? Remember when you...?" After sincere and fair consideration, I have come to the conclusion that Josephine is far more capable at nineteen than I was at the time—though I am ashamed to admit that I do not often praise Josephine.So, from then on, when I wanted to draw Josephine's attention to her mistakes, I would start like this: "Josephine, you did one thing wrong, but God knows, a lot of what I did To be wrong is worse than that. Of course you are not born with judgment, that can only be learned from experience. And you are much better than I was when I was your age. I have made many stupid mistakes myself, So I hate to criticize you or anyone. But if you do it a certain way, don't you think that's smarter?" It would be much better if the critic began the conversation with the humility to admit that he was not blameless before pointing out the faults of others.As early as 1909, the elegant Prince Blow understood the need to do so. At that time, Prince Blow was Chancellor of Germany, and the German Kaiser was Wilhelm II - the arrogant William, the last Kaiser of Germany - who built a navy and army and boasted that he could conquer all. Then, something that shocked the world happened.When the German Kaiser visited England, he said many unbelievably stupid things, such as that he was the only German who was friendly to Britain; he built a navy to counter the Japanese threat; Britain, which saved it from surrendering to Russia and France; thanks to his conquest plan, Britain was able to defeat the natives in South Africa, and so on.Worst of all, he allowed the London Daily Telegraph to publish his irrational boasting.As a result, these explosive news shook the whole of Europe and spread to the whole world. In more than 100 years of peace, no European king has ever said such a thing about him.The whole of Europe was immediately stirred up, like a wild bee being irritated; Britain was also irritated, and German politicians were even more horrified.In this situation, the German emperor was also panicked, and he proposed that the Chancellor Blow handle the matter.Yes, he wanted Prince Blow to declare all responsibility for it all on his own, for advising his lord to say these unbelievable things. "But, Your Majesty," objected Blow, "it seems to me that no one in Germany or England would believe that I am capable of advising Your Majesty to say such things." As soon as Blow had said this, I realized that I had made a serious mistake.The Kaiser was really annoyed.He snarled, "Do you think I'm an ass who makes mistakes you'd never make?" Blow knew that he should praise the Emperor first before criticizing him, but at this point, he might as well choose the best option.He praises after criticizing.The results were fantastic—commendations often have that effect. "I would never mean that," he replied respectfully. "Your Majesty surpasses me in many respects, not only in naval and army knowledge, but especially in natural sciences. Every time you listen to Your Majesty When explaining the barometer, the wireless telegraph, or Roentgen's rays, I am always ashamed of my ignorance of all the various natural sciences. I do not know chemistry or physics, and am unable to explain the simplest natural phenomena, so my Majesty Very much. But," Blow went on, "in compensation, I know some historical knowledge, and some politically and especially diplomatically useful knowledge." A smile appeared on the Kaiser's face.Prince Blow praised him.Blow made himself look humble by praising him.At this time, the Kaiser can tolerate anything. "Didn't I always tell you," he said earnestly, "that we should learn from each other's strengths and be famous in the world? We should work together and be united, and we will!" He shook Blow's hand, and not only Not once, but many times.He was especially agitated that afternoon.He clenched his fists and shouted: "If anyone speaks badly of Prince Blow to me, I'll punch his nose flat!" Blow saved himself just in time—but even such an astute diplomat made a mistake: he should have started by talking about his own weaknesses and Wilhelm's strengths—rather than implying that the Kaiser was a weakling. , People in need of protection. If just a few words of self-humility and compliments could turn an arrogant and withdrawn German Kaiser into a solid and reliable friend, you can imagine how much humility and compliments play in our daily lives.When used correctly, they must help us do wonders in our relationships. Even if one person has not corrected his mistakes, simply admitting his mistakes at the beginning of a conversation can help another person change his behavior.That phrase was recently uttered by Clarence Chau of Timonim, Maryland, after watching his 15-year-old son try out a cigarette. "Of course I didn't want David to smoke. But me and his mum both smoked and we were setting a bad example for him. I explained to David that I started smoking when he was his age and the nicotine eventually won over Me, made me addicted. I also reminded him that I had a terrible cough. I didn't tell him not to smoke, or warn him about the dangers of smoking. I just told him how I smoked and suffered from it. " "He thought about it for a while and decided not to smoke until he graduated from high school. He has never smoked until now. As a result of that conversation, I also decided to quit smoking. Thanks to the support of my family, I succeeded in quitting smoking." So if you want to make yourself a popular talker without hurting feelings or offending others, there are a few tricks you can use to achieve satisfactory results. Criticism can be sugar-coated medicine: (1) Before criticizing others, point out your own mistakes and shortcomings. Under such relatively equal conditions, the other party will be more likely to accept criticism. (2) Criticism is not an argument, nor is it a straight talk, but some methods and techniques should be used. (3) Praise the other party before criticizing, which will form a natural and harmonious conversation atmosphere, and then lead the conversation to criticism. Carnegie's advice: Advising others, rather than ordering them forcefully, can not only maintain a person's self-esteem and give him a sense of self-respect, but also make him more willing to cooperate rather than confront. I recently had the honor of dining with Miss Ida Temple, America's most famous biographer.I told her I was writing, and she and I started talking about being human.She told me that when she was writing a biography of Jan Owen, she interviewed a gentleman who had worked in the same room as Mr. Young for three years.The man said that in that long time he had never heard a direct order from Jan Owen to anyone.He always "suggests", not "commands".For example, Jan Owen never said "do this, or do that" or "don't do this, don't do that".He always said "you can think about this" or "do you think that would be appropriate".When he dictated a letter, he used to say, "What do you think?" After reading a letter written by his assistant, he often said, "Perhaps it would have been better worded that way." Doing things without ever telling his assistants how to do them; he leaves them to do it themselves, enabling them to learn from their mistakes. Advising others, rather than commanding them forcefully, not only maintains a person's self-esteem and gives him a sense of self-respect, but also makes him more cooperative than antagonistic.A method like this makes it easier for a person to correct his mistakes.And the anger caused by some elder's rough manners may last longer, even if what he corrected was an obvious wrong.Don Stan Riley, a teacher at a vocational school in Weming, Pennsylvania, said one thing. A student blocked the school gate because of illegal parking.A teacher rushed into the classroom and asked in a very aggressive tone: "Whose car is blocking the gate?" When the student got up to answer, the teacher yelled: "You drive the car away immediately, or I will tie it up with an iron chain and drag it away." The student was indeed wrong, the car should not have been parked there.But from that day on, it wasn't just the student who was angry at that teacher's behavior, but the whole class was always doing things to inconvenience the teacher and make his job even more difficult. He could have handled it in a completely different way.If he asked kindly: "Whose car is at the door?" The car drove away, and he and his classmates would not be so angry. Even if you are an elder or a superior, you can't speak to your juniors or subordinates in a rude manner; otherwise, what you get will not be cooperation, but fierce confrontation.In the same way, the way of suggestion can make customers better accept and adopt your opinions, do according to your requirements, and meet your needs. At a small factory in Johannesburg, South Africa, manager Ian MacTangie had the opportunity to land a large order, but he knew he wouldn't be able to meet the deadline.Although the job was already scheduled at the factory, the time required to complete the order was so short that he was unlikely to accept it.He didn't push the workers to work faster to meet the order, he just got everyone together, explained the situation to them, and told them what it would mean to them and to the company if the order could be completed on time. how big. “Is there any way we can fulfill this order?” “Can anyone figure out another way to handle it so we can take this order?” “Is there any other way to adjust our hours and jobs to move the whole situation?" As a result, the employees offered many opinions and insisted that he take the order.With a "we can do it" attitude, they finally got the order and delivered it on time. Asking each other some questions not only allowed the small factory to receive an order, but also stimulated the creativity of the workers, resulting in a good cooperation and harmonious atmosphere. Therefore, if you want to persuade others without hurting feelings and arousing resentment, please pay attention to your tone of voice, change your speaking attitude, and try to put forward your request in another way: suggest the other party instead of directly giving orders. Benefits of "suggestions" over "commands": (1) A request or suggestion is actually a weakening of an order, but it will have a completely different effect. (2) Without orders, compulsions, or demands, there may be no resistance and resistance. (3) If you can express the order as your idea or suggestion, to some extent, it will be inconvenient for the other party to refuse you. (4) Even if you are on the side of "authority", in order to maintain the self-esteem of others and persuade them better, you must use suggestions instead of orders. Carnegie's advice: No one is willing to follow other people's instructions, and no one likes to let others tell him what to do and what to think. This seems to be human nature. Even if others are wrong and we are right, if we don't save face for others, it will destroy a person.A strong attitude not only fails to achieve our intended goals, but may also deviate further. Joe Shirt, a safety inspector for an engineering firm in Oklahoma, checks that workers on construction sites are wearing hard hats.In the beginning, when he saw workers who were not wearing hard hats, he would immediately criticize them and order them to put them on immediately.But this approach has had little success.Workers would put on their hard hats in his presence, but when he was gone, they would take them off again. Qiao Shide felt that his approach was inappropriate, so he decided to use other methods.When he saw a worker not wearing a hard hat, he smiled and asked the worker if he felt that the hard hat was uncomfortable to wear on his head, and whether the size of the hat was inappropriate; then he would tell the workers the importance of the hard hat, It is recommended that they wear hard hats for their own safety.As a result, this approach has received very good results. The two different practices lead to two different reactions from the workers, which is due to people's psychological effects-the attitude and order of repelling instigation.Before, Josh had adopted a strong method, ordering and instructing the workers how to do it. As a result, the workers didn't like to listen to Josh's instructions, which was the main reason for his failure.And the reason why Qiao Shide succeeded in persuading those workers was also because he did not instruct them how to do it. The same story happened to me too.One summer, a friend and I were driving into the French countryside and got lost.We had to pull over and ask a group of locals for directions. My friend was a carefree person. He rushed forward and almost yelled at them—I could hear it clearly from tens of meters away—saying, “Hey, how do I get to XXX town?” A few minutes later, that friend came back sadly and complained to me that the farmers here were not polite and not enthusiastic at all.Of course I knew what was going on, so I walked towards the group of farmers with a smile, then took off my hat and politely said to them: "I have encountered a problem and I need your help. How can I get to ×× town?" As a result, I got very accurate and detailed answers very quickly.They seemed enthusiastic and responded quickly and politely.After they finished speaking, I thanked them and they invited me to their home.Because I was busy on the road, I promised to go to their house next time I have time. In this regard, my friend did not understand why I was welcomed by them. I said: "No one likes to be ordered by others." You might say it's just a matter of politeness.Yes, politeness does matter, but it's not just about politeness.Also, it's that impolite tone that makes it seem like you're giving orders.Indeed, no one is willing to follow other people's instructions, and no one likes to be told what to do and how to think. This seems to be human nature. In my class, there is a female student, Daona, who is an assistant to the manager of a company.One day, a guest came to the company and was received by the newly appointed manager.As usual, Donna was going to pour water for the customer, but the manager suddenly said to her: "Go, pour a glass of water!" But Donna added casually: "I want to go to the bathroom." This kind of situation often happens around us. For example, you may encounter a similar situation in a hotel. Although the waiter promises you with all his heart, he will not bring the water for a long time.You can complain about her bad service, but it won't do you any good.So why can't you say it in a different tone?You can say to her, "I need a jug of water now, can you bring me a jug of water?" She will be more than happy to serve you.And do you lose anything by doing so? When we are persuading a person, we often seem to be instructing others: "You should do this..." or: "You are right to think so..." We often use a commanding or coercive tone, Even though we sometimes don't have that kind of authority.You should soften your tone and be more tactful. Unfortunately, many leaders like to order subordinates to do this and that. They seem to want to use this method to demonstrate their authority as a leader.And most leaders are doing this without realizing that there is something wrong with it.Even for most people, when someone makes a mistake, we usually preach to him in a condescending manner, instructing him what to do, and the other party is likely to defend his dignity I don't hesitate to argue with you.We know that in such a sharp confrontation, no one can persuade the other party.Therefore, the best way is to maintain the dignity of the other party, point out his mistakes in another way, and guide him on what to do. General Ward once served as an instructor training recruits.One day, when he was driving a jeep to inspect the new barracks, he came across a soldier leading his girlfriend for a walk.The soldier didn't seem to see him, and while waiting for his car to pass by, the soldier "coincidentally" bent down to tie his shoelaces.Ward knew what was going on, so he called the soldier who didn't understand the military regulations. "Boy," said Ward, "don't you really see me?" "I see, General." The soldier knew he couldn't hide it, so he had to admit it. "So why didn't you salute me instead of tying your shoes?" Ward asked. The soldier was very embarrassed and had no way to answer.He looked at his girlfriend and said with a bitter face, "General, if you were me and took your girlfriend for a walk, what would you do?" Ward, amused by the soldiers, replied with a smile: "I'd say to her 'I want to salute the old guy first, how about'." After hearing this, the soldier smiled and saluted General Ward.And General Ward didn't say anything anymore, he saluted in return, and then drove away. It is conceivable that if General Ward said to the soldier angrily: "What you did just now was wrong, you should salute to me!" Germany made him lose face in front of his girlfriend.However, General Ward did not do this. He cleverly pointed out the mistakes of the soldiers and told him what to do, and he also took into account the soldiers' face. I have the same case here, which is also a story about a soldier.A new army camp in the United States recently received a group of new recruits.The grit of these recruits also meant that some of their habits—bad ones—were not easy to change.The instructor found that it is not suitable to reason with these low-level recruits. Of course, it is not suitable to force or order them to change their bad habits. In that case, they will confront you very violently.The instructors were very troubled by this, so they tried many ways to change them so that they could become qualified soldiers, but all had little effect.In short, these soldiers stubbornly believe that they don't need others to tell them what to do. Finally, the instructors told the soldiers that they should send some letters to their families so that they would not miss them.The instructors printed and distributed some letters as a reference for their letter writing.The content of these reference letters is generally to tell the family that they have developed good living habits in the army, and many of the previous bad habits have been corrected, so please do not worry.After they wrote the letter and sent it, a strange thing happened: these very stubborn soldiers slowly and actively overcome their previous bad habits, and each of them became refreshed, hygienic, and disciplined, and finally became Qualified soldiers. Suggestions instead of orders can convince people; requests instead of instructions can make people happy to execute; use consultation instead of instructions, and some people will take the initiative; use praise instead of instructions, and they will use actions to prove what you said That's right.Since there are so many ways to replace instigation, and since instigation has no effect on achieving our intended purpose, why don't we try another way? Don't make people feel disgusted: (1) A disrespectful order will only lead to long-lasting resentment, even if the order can be used to correct the obvious mistakes of others. (2) Use various effective techniques to replace instructions. The important thing is to make your subordinates get your respect. (3) The result of instructing others is that he will not fulfill your instructions well, because he is forced to do this. (4) Don't express your opinion against a certain person. If you want to persuade him, you need to target not the person, but the matter. Carnegie's advice: Trust is the basic premise for people to communicate.If there is no trust, even if people are talking to each other, it is not true communication. When Lincoln ran for the U.S. Senate in 1858, he needed to speak in places in southern Illinois to win votes there.But it is very difficult to achieve this goal-people in those places have great distrust of him, and even hostility. This is because Lincoln was an abolitionist, and the farmers in those places had a large number of black slaves, so they would naturally not like Lincoln's election.This conflict of political views and interests is very sharp.They even threatened to kill Lincoln as soon as he came.These barbaric locals wear short guns and sharp knives even in public. Faced with such great danger, we can imagine how much courage Lincoln needed to make a decision at that time.As it turned out, the threats didn't stop Lincoln from advancing, saying, "Give me a few minutes and I'll convince them." Before speaking, Lincoln shook hands with the most important local leaders one by one, and then delivered a speech: "Friends from Illinois, friends from Kentucky, friends from Missouri! I heard a rumor before I came here that some of you were going against me--if there were any, then these people must be sitting Down below? But I don't believe it's true, because you have no reason to do it; because I, like you, have climbed hard from the hard country, and am a breezy and straightforward commoner. Why, then, do I Can’t express my opinion like you? Friends! I know you much more than you know me! You will know what kind of person I am in the future. Will not be against me. Now that I stand here, we have become friends. I believe you will be willing to make me this friend, because I am a humble person. I sincerely ask you to say a few words to me Time to talk. You—brave and bold people—would not refuse this small request from my friend. Now, then, let us discuss serious matters openly and frankly!" After listening to Lincoln's words, the originally angry people began to applaud him.As a result, most of the people here later became Lincoln's friends—they began to trust him for life.It was these people who later helped him become the president of the United States. The difference between mistrust and trust is so great, which is what Lincoln realized.Therefore, he tried his best to explain to these people that there was no insurmountable gap between him and them, and that he and them were friends.Fortunately, he managed to do just that. Trust is the basic premise for people to communicate.If there is no trust, even if people are talking to each other, it is not true communication. I was once entrusted by a company and asked a scholar friend of mine to help them.At the beginning, things seemed to be going smoothly, but a few days before the start of work, the relevant person in charge of the company called me and said that for some reason, this scholar was suddenly unwilling to work for their company.The company persuaded him in every possible way, promising to extend the start date, reduce working hours, and increase wages, etc., but he has always refused to accept it. I decided to find out what caused the change of attitude of the scholar, so I went to visit him together with the person in charge.He was still very enthusiastic after seeing me, and talked to me about many things.I believe none of these things have anything to do with the matter itself. Later, I asked him directly why he refused to serve this company.He gave some reasons, but I think the most important one is that he is worried about whether the company can fulfill the contract, and whether the cooperation with the company is tacit enough. Hearing this, I felt that it was useless to continue persuading him, so I left.On the way home, I said to the person in charge: "I don't know why he feels this way about your company, but what you have to do is to make him trust you. Before that, any job It will all be of no avail." The next day, the person in charge of the company called me and said that the academic had changed his attitude.It turned out that after leaving the scholar's home, he returned to the door of the scholar's house, and stopped a taxi to wait for the scholar, and then sent him to the plane.This sincere attitude has won the trust of scholars.In addition, the person in charge also used their free time to explain to the scholars that they were willing to fulfill the company's obligations in the contract in advance.This makes academics promise to go to work as soon as they come back. We cannot blame the scholar for being backlash or being too cautious, because this is a very complicated society.All kinds of people, all kinds of things, truth, illusion, sincerity, and hypocrisy, are all very active in this world.The relationship between people is no longer a pure mutual cooperation relationship, but has added elements of mutual competition and mutual deception.Therefore, distrust always occupies a place in people's hearts. We can't imagine a person who is wary of us following our advice, and sometimes, it overwhelms us.How can we gain the trust of others so that they will follow our advice? In fact, although I did not directly point out this method in this book, the methods of speaking and communication in each chapter can already help you gain the trust of others.As long as you follow the method I said, then you will definitely give people the impression of sincerity and trustworthiness. With trust, communication will produce results: (1) Trust does not exist at the beginning, it needs people to work hard to build. (2) Mistrust can lead to inexplicable conjectures.The other party will have doubts about what you said, even if you express it clearly, he will still have a different understanding. (3) When you don't know why the other party rejects you, you should consider that the other party may have a strong sense of distrust towards you. Carnegie's advice: Effective control of the topic is indeed very important to persuade a person. Only by mastering the initiative of communication can we finally achieve the goal of persuading the other party. Just like most salesmen, when they sell their products to customers, they often cannot grasp the initiative of speaking, which leads to the final failure of the conversation. A book salesman knocked on the door of a family and said to a wife: "Madam, our books are of very good quality and the binding is also very beautiful. Do you think there is anything you need?" What kind of reaction will there be?In most cases, the salesman's response was, "No!" and the door was closed.It can be seen that such a salesman is not a good salesman. Then, as an excellent salesman, he will better understand the art of speaking when selling.Let us speculate on the sales of a good salesman. Salesman: "Good morning, ma'am! Are all your children in school?" A Mrs.: "Yes." Salesman: "What grade is your child in?" A certain wife: "The older one is in fifth grade, and the younger one is in second grade." Salesman: "They must all be smart?" Mrs. A: "Yes, of course." Salesman: "Do they usually like to read books?" A certain wife: "Sometimes." Salesman: "I think I have some books they might like..." We can imagine that the salesman's probability of success should be very high.Why?Because he has mastered the art of selling very well and controlled the topic well during the conversation. If you want our conversation to be a fruitful conversation, then you have to find ways to guide the other party, or ask clever questions, or choose a topic that the other party is interested in, and secretly lead the conversation in the direction we expect, so that we can persuade other side. President Hoover's taciturnity discouraged many reporters, and it was almost impossible to get words out of his mouth.But a Chicago reporter did it easily and got President Hoover talking for more than two hours. At that time, Hoover was the Republican presidential candidate.The young reporter Liniti happened to take the same train with him and got the chance to interview him.At first, when Liniti asked some questions, Hoover always answered simply "yes" or "no" and then fell into long meditation.Linetti felt embarrassed, although he had known Hoover's habits for a long time.He had to ask questions while figuring out how to deal with the situation. As the train passed through poor and desolate Nevada, Linetti suddenly thought of a good topic.Looking out the window, he seemed to say to himself: "In this place, people should still use that ancient method of mining?" At this time, Hoover immediately said: "That method has long been used. , and now the whole country is adopting the latest mining methods.” Then, Hoover’s chatterbox seemed to be opened, and he talked endlessly, from mining to oil, from aviation to postal service… At that time, those who sat with Hoover The people on the first train were all famous people, but Hoover ignored them, but talked to Linetti for more than two hours. Liniti was originally an unknown reporter, but because he talked with President Hoover on a suitable topic, he became the reporter who had the longest conversation with President Hoover.Topics, it seems, do play a vital role in conversation.If you do not find a suitable topic, it is not difficult to imagine that the result of the conversation will not be ideal. Effectively controlling the t