Chapter 3 Chapter 2 Six Practices to Become a Communication Master

Carnegie's advice: With humility and strategy, you will be invincible. No matter how you accuse someone, say he is wrong, do you think he will agree with you?Absolutely not!Even if you argue with him with all the Platonic or Kantian logic, it won't change his mind because you've hurt his feelings. Never say something like, "I'm going to show you that..." That's going to screw things up.Because that's like saying, "I'm smarter than you. I'm going to tell you what to do to make you change your mind." That's a challenge that will only cause disputes and resistance, and make the other party talk to you without even listening to what you're saying. Argue.

When Theodore Roosevelt entered the White House, he admitted that if he got it right 75 percent of the time, he was meeting his highest expectations.If that is the highest hope of one of the greatest men of the 20th century, what about you and me?If you're sure you're right 55 percent of the time, you can go to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day.If you don't have such assurance, how can you say others are wrong? When I was studying Lincoln in his youth, I was surprised to find that the broad-minded Lincoln was originally a man who took pleasure in pointing out the mistakes of others.When he was young, he was very fond of judging others, and often wrote satirical letters to those he thought were bad.He often left the letter directly on the country road, so that it could be easily read by others walking.Even after he was a trainee attorney in Springfield, Illinois, he often attacked naysayers in the newspapers.

In the autumn of 1842, Lincoln experienced an unforgettable event.At the time he wrote an anonymous letter, published in the Springfield Journal, mocking a self-important politician, James Sills.The letter brought Hills the ridicule of the town.Hills was so angry that he tried his best to track down the writer, and finally found out that the letter was written by Lincoln.He demanded a duel with Lincoln to preserve his honor.Originally, Lincoln didn't like duels, but he had no choice but to agree.He chose the knight's saber as his weapon and invited a West Point graduate to instruct him in fencing.

In the following days, Lincoln has been in a state of guilt and self-blame, because all this was caused by his accusation of the other party's mistakes.In this state of mind, he waited for the thrilling moment.Fortunately—and very unexpectedly—someone intervened to prevent the duel just before it began. How foolish it is to be forced to fight someone else for life by blaming them for their mistakes.Lincoln finally decided not to do such a thing again.He no longer writes swearing letters, and he no longer accuses anyone of anything. During the Civil War, Lincoln changed the generals of the Army of the Potomac several times, but the generals repeatedly made mistakes.Lincoln was relentlessly accused of misemploying men.Lincoln did not blame these generals for this, but remained silent.He said: "If you blame and criticize others, others will do the same to you." He added: "Don't blame them, it would probably be the same for us."

The Battle of Gettysburg, which began on July 3, 1863, was the most important battle of the Civil War. On July 4th, General Lee led his army and began to withdraw to the south.He fled to the Potomac River with his defeated soldiers. In front of him was the turbulent river, and behind him was the government army chasing after the victory.For the northern army, this was a godsend opportunity. It could completely annihilate General Lee's troops in one fell swoop, thus ending the civil war very quickly.Lincoln ordered General Midi to strike decisively, telling him not to call an emergency military meeting.

In order to ensure that the order was issued, he not only sent the order by telegram, but also sent special personnel to convey the message to General Midi.The results of it?Instead of following Lincoln's orders, General Midi called an emergency military meeting.He used excuses to delay time and even refused to attack General Li.In the end, General Lee and his army successfully crossed the Potomac River and preserved their strength. When he heard the news, Lincoln flew into a rage—he had never been so angry.Disappointed, he wrote a letter to General Midi.The content of the letter is as follows:

You can guess what expression General Midi will have when he reads this letter.However, you may be surprised that he never received the letter, because Lincoln didn't send it—it was found in a pile of papers.Did Lincoln forget to post this letter?This is unimaginable.As we all know, this is a very important letter. Someone recalled the scene at that time: "This is just my guess..." Lincoln thought to himself when he finished writing this letter, "Of course, maybe I'm being impatient. Sitting in the White House, I can certainly see more clearly and be more able to command But, if I were in Gettysburg, all I saw were soldiers crying because of their pain, or thousands of bones, maybe then I would not be in a hurry to attack General Lee! I Must have cringed like General Midi too. Now that it has happened, the only thing to do is to admit it. As for this letter, if I send it, I think besides making myself feel good, There will be no other benefit. On the contrary, it will turn General Meady against me, force him out of the army, or ruin his future. This is something no one wants to see."

So Lincoln put the packed letter aside.Because he believes that the effect of criticism and accusation is equal to zero. President Lincoln's great change from always pointing out the mistakes of others to being so tolerant later set an example for us.He told us from his own personal experience: Never blame others for their mistakes.Socrates warned his disciples repeatedly in Athens: "I only know one thing, and that is that I know nothing." I don't dare to expect to be better than Socrates, so I try to avoid others saying that they are wrong. up.I found it helpful to do so.

I no longer determine anything as easily as I used to. 20 years ago, I almost only believed in the multiplication table. Now, I am beginning to doubt what Einstein said in the book; and 20 years later, I may no longer believe what this book says.In fact, most people can't think logically, they are all guilty of subjective and prejudice.Most people have prejudices, jealousy, suspicion, fear and arrogance, and these defects will affect their judgment. Plato once told people such a method: "When you are teaching others, don't make him find that he is being taught; when you point out things that people don't know, make him feel that it is just a reminder of what he has overlooked for a while. You can't Teach him everything, but only tell him how to deal with this kind of thing.” Chesterfield, a famous British politician in the 19th century, said to his son: “If possible, you should be smarter than others, but never You cannot tell others that you are smarter."

Of course, if a person says something that you think is definitely wrong, and pointing it out will benefit your communication, of course you can point it out.Instead, you should say something like, "Oh, that's how it is. But I have another idea, and of course, I might be wrong—I'm always wrong. If I'm wrong, please feel free to point it out. .Let's see what the problem is." What happens if you decide someone is wrong and tell him straight up?Let's look at concrete examples, because examples may be more convincing. Mr. F is a young lawyer in New York who recently participated in the debate of an important case.The case is heard by the U.S. Supreme Court.During the debate, a judge asked Mr. F: "The time limit for prosecution in the Maritime Act is 6 years, isn't it?"

Mr. F was a little surprised. He looked at the judge for a while, and then said bluntly: "Judge, there is no provision on the time limit for prosecution in the Maritime Law." People suddenly fell silent, and the temperature in the courtroom seemed to drop to zero. Mr. F was right and the judge was wrong. Mr. F told the judge truthfully.But what was the result?Although the law can serve as Mr. F's back, and his argument is also very good, but he did not convince the judge. Mr. F made a big mistake. He pointed out the mistake of a very learned and prestigious person in public, so he failed.Does he do this to help the settlement of the matter?As it turns out, not at all. It's not easy to change a person's mind, even in mild circumstances, let alone in other situations?When you want to prove something, you don't have to say it out loud.You need to pay attention to some strategies to make the other party accept your point of view unconsciously.You can use words like, "I might be wrong," "I have other ideas," etc., and it really does work wonders.No matter when, no matter where, no one will object to you and say "I may be wrong, let's see what the problem is". Professor James Harvey Robinson wrote the following passage in "The Process of Decision-Making", which is also very enlightening to us. "...we change our beliefs unconsciously. This change is completely subtle and unnoticed. However, once someone corrects this belief, we generally defend it vigorously. Obviously, this is not the case. Not because of the value of the idea itself, but because of our wounded ego... We are always willing to believe what we are used to. When what we believe is doubted, we resent it and try to find all kinds of Reasons justify it. What happens? What we call reason, what we call reasoning, etc., becomes a pretext for maintaining what we are used to." When we hear someone speak, our first reaction is often to judge or evaluate, rather than try to understand the words.When others express a certain opinion, attitude or idea, we always say "good", "too ridiculous", "is it normal", "this is too outrageous" and other commentary words.And we rarely try to understand what the words mean to the speaker.Under such circumstances, is our judgment reliable?Of course not.Since we can't even be sure that we are right, are we still qualified to point fingers at others? In this section, I did not introduce any new ideas.Nearly 2,000 years ago, Jesus had said, "Make peace with your enemies as soon as possible!" And more than 2,000 years before Jesus was born, the ancient Egyptian king Arctos gave his son a shrewd advice: " Be humble and strategic, and you'll win." We seem to understand the same: don't argue with your customer or your husband, don't accuse him of being wrong, don't provoke him, you need to be strategic.So, if you want to be a good talker, please remember the first discipline: respect the opinions of others, and never accuse others of their mistakes. When you want to argue with someone, think about it: (1) Arguing will only make you lose more than you gain, and being quick for a while will not bring you more benefits. (2) You can disagree with other people's opinions, but at the same time you have to think about it, others can disagree with your opinions. (3) To judge the right or wrong of others, you don’t have to base your own principles on it. You can try to use other people’s principles, and you can put yourself in their shoes and think about it. (4) Before you point out the faults of others, consider whether it would be beneficial to do so. Carnegie's advice: A person who has the courage to admit his mistakes can also get a certain sense of satisfaction.Not only is this an atmosphere of guilt-free and self-justifying, but it is conducive to resolving substantive issues. Where I was living was almost in the center of New York City, but there was a forest within a minute's walk from my house.I often take my Boston pug Ricks for walks in the park, he is a kind and harmless little dog; and since I don't meet people often in the park, I always go without a leash or a muzzle. One day we met a policeman on horseback in the park—a policeman anxious to assert his authority. "What do you mean by letting that dog run around in the garden without a muzzle and a leash?" He asked me, "Don't you know it's against the law?" "Yes, I know it's against the law," I replied softly, "but I don't think it can do any harm here." "You can't! You can't! The law doesn't care what you think. That dog may hurt a squirrel, or bite a child. Well, this time I'll let you go, but if I catch the dog here again without a muzzle Cage, don't wear the leash, and you'll have to speak to the judge." I humbly promised to obey his order. And I did actually do it a few times, but Ricks didn't seem to like the gag, and neither did I, so we decided to take our chances.Everything was fine at first, but then we ran into trouble.Rex and I were jumping over a hill one afternoon, and all of a sudden—I was horrified to see the authority of the law—the policeman on a sorrel horse.Rex was running ahead, heading for the policeman. I knew there was nothing I could do, so I pre-empted the police before they started talking.I said, "Officer, you caught me on the spot. I broke the law. I have no excuses. I have no excuses. You warned me last week that if I bring a dog here again without a muzzle, you will be punished." I." "Oh, now," said the policeman in a soft voice, "I know it's tempting to let a puppy run around here when no one is around." "That's a real temptation," I replied, "but it's against the law." "A puppy like that can't hurt anyone," the police officer said in his defense. "No, but it might hurt the squirrels," I said. "Oh, now, I think you're taking it too seriously," he told me, "and I'll tell you what to do, you just make it run over the mound so I can't see it—and we forget about it Never mind." Like normal people, this Mr. Cop wants a sense of self-respect, so when I start blaming myself, the only way to increase his self-esteem is to be magnanimous to me.But what if I defend myself? I did not argue with him head-on, I admitted that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong, and I admitted it readily, frankly, and sincerely.I speak for him, and he speaks for me in turn.And only a week before, this policeman had threatened me with legal sanctions. If we know we're going to be blamed, why don't we preemptively admit our mistakes?Isn't it better to blame yourself than to be blamed by others? President George Washington displayed many fine qualities at an early age.There are many fruit trees in his family's plantation.Once, George's father, Mr. Washington, bought a good cherry tree from across the ocean.Mr. Washington loved this cherry tree very much. He planted it beside the orchard and told everyone on the farm to take good care of it and not let anyone touch it. One day, Mr. Washington gave George a sharp hatchet to clear the miscellaneous trees, and then went out by himself.George was very happy to have a small sharp ax with which he was chopping trees in the plantation.Probably because he was too happy, he accidentally cut down the cherry tree. That evening, Mr. Washington finished his farming work, took the horse back to the stable, and then came to the orchard to look at his cherry tree. Unexpectedly, his beloved tree was cut down to the ground.He asked everyone, but no one said they didn't know.Just then, George happened to pass by. "George," cried my father in a loud voice, "do you know who cut my cherry tree down?" Seeing his father so angry, George realized that his own impulsiveness had caused the trouble.He whimpered for a while, but soon regained his senses. "I can't lie," he said, "Papa, I did it with the axe." Mr. Washington had calmed down by this time, and he asked George, "Tell me, George, why did you chop that tree down?" "I was playing and I didn't expect..." George replied. Mr. Washington put his hand on the boy's shoulder. "Look at me," he said, "of course I'm sad to lose a tree, but I'm also glad that you have the courage to tell me the truth. I'd rather have a brave and honest child than May there be an orchard full of lush cherry trees. Do remember that, son." George Washington never forgot this.He remained as brave and respected as a boy until the end of his life. Most of us, like George Washington, were brought up to be honest, and sadly, most of us have fallen short of that.Of course, we can find all kinds of reasons to justify ourselves, so that we can both lie and feel at ease.In many cases, we refuse to admit our mistakes in order to maintain our dignity, or out of self-protection, even if admitting mistakes will not bring us any punishment-refusing to admit mistakes seems to be a subconscious behavior, even if We don't know why. This is a terrible behavior.If you believe you have made a mistake, the only thing you can do is admit it.This doesn't have serious consequences for you.A stupid person will always find a way to justify or cover up his mistakes, but a wise person, on the contrary, will usually admit his mistakes openly, because it will bring him something more. A person who has the courage to admit his mistakes can also get a certain sense of satisfaction.This is not just about removing the climate of guilt and self-justification, but helping to address substantive issues.In an auto repair shop in New York, there was a brave admission that I was wrong. Not long after Bruce joined the repair shop, he was well received by his boss and colleagues for his enthusiastic work attitude. But one day, due to his carelessness, Bruce sold a car engine worth $5,000 to a customer for $2,500.Colleagues gave him an idea to get back the customer immediately: if he couldn't get it back, he could also advance the $2,500 in private.But Bruce felt that these methods were not good, so he decided to admit his mistakes to his boss.Those co-workers stopped him, thinking he was stupid for doing it, because it would cost him the job.But Bruce insisted on his views. Bruce came to the boss's office with an envelope containing money. "I'm sorry, Mr. Brown," Bruce said, "today, for personal reasons, I made a huge mistake that cost the repair shop $2,500. I'm ashamed of the mistake I made, and I intend to resign from this job. Before leaving, I intend to make up for this loss. This is my $2,500 indemnity, please accept it." After hearing this, the boss was silent for a while, and then said to Bruce: "Are you really going to do this?" "Yes, Mr. Brown," Bruce replied, "I got the price of the engine wrong. I did make the mistake, so I am the only one responsible. I could have gone to the customer. , but it would damage the reputation of the repair shop. I am fully responsible for this matter. Therefore, this is the only way I can do it." Bruce's brave behavior of admitting his mistakes impressed his boss.He knows that anyone will make mistakes, the key is to have the courage to admit and correct your mistakes.So, the boss didn't approve Bruce's resignation, but gave him more room for development and valued him more, and Bruce got much more than $500 for bravely admitting his mistakes . Plenty of people also defend their mistakes - and that's exactly what most stupid people do.And those who dare to admit their mistakes will be forgiven by others, giving people a humble and noble impression. Albert Heba is one of the most creative writers admired by the whole country (referring to the United States), and his satirical writing often arouses strong disgust in others.However, Heba often uses his rare skills in dealing with people to turn enemies into friends.For example, when some exasperated reader wrote in to disagree with one of his articles and ended by berating him, Herba would reply: "When I think about it, I don't quite agree with myself either. What I wrote yesterday, I may not be satisfied with today. I'd be glad to know your opinion on such matters, and if next time you're in the neighborhood , Welcome to come, we can communicate with each other, and wish you peace." What can you say in the face of a person who treats you like this?When we are right, we are to gently and tactfully win others to agree with us; when we are wrong, we are to admit our mistakes quickly and sincerely.Not only can this produce amazing results, but in many cases, it will far outweigh your defense of yourself. Stephen is the owner of a tailor shop. Because of his good management, the tailor shop is doing very well.One day, a lady named Harris came to the store and asked to make an evening dress.After Stephen finished the gown, he found that the sleeves of the gown were half an inch longer than required.Unfortunately, he ran out of time to revise it, for Mrs. Harris' allotted time had come. When Mrs. Harris came to pick up her evening dress, she saw nothing wrong.She tried on the evening dress and found that it added a lot of temperament to herself, so she repeatedly praised Stephen's superb craftsmanship.Unexpectedly, when she planned to pay the original price after the trial, Steven refused to accept.So Mrs. Harris asked him why. "Ma'am," said Stephen, "the reason I cannot take your money is because I made a great mistake—I made the sleeves of your evening dress half an inch longer. I am sorry, and I hope you Forgive me. If you will give me a little time, I will make it to the size you need for free." After listening to Mrs. Harris, she repeatedly emphasized that she was very satisfied with the dress and did not care about the half-inch length of the sleeves.However, she couldn't persuade Stephen to accept the money for the dress, and in the end, she had to give in. Mrs. Harris went back and said to her husband: "Stephen will definitely be famous in the future. His serious work, superb skills, and sincere attitude make me firmly believe in this." As expected, Stephen later became a world-renowned fashion designer. Don't forget this saying of wisdom: "By fighting, you will never be satisfied; but by giving in, you will gain more than you expect." This truth is understood by everyone, but it is only practiced There are some difficulties.What I want to stress is that if you really want to be successful, to be a good talker, remember the second discipline: If you're wrong, be sure to admit it quickly and honestly. Volunteering to admit mistakes only earns you points: (1) The courageous admission of mistakes is the noble character of all great men. (2) Don't be afraid that others will laugh at you for admitting your mistakes. In fact, if you don't admit it, they will not only point it out to you, but also laugh at your cowardice and hypocrisy more easily. Carnegie's advice: There is only one way in the world to get the greatest victory in debate, and that is to avoid debate as much as possible, like avoiding poisonous snakes and earthquakes. Debates can only result in defeat, never victory.Even if you appear to be victorious, in reality it is indistinguishable from defeat.Because even if you beat the opponent in the debate, refute the opponent to pieces, and even accuse the opponent of insanity, what will happen to the result?You are naturally very quick, and you are naturally very happy, but the other party will feel inferior.You hurt his self-esteem, and he will resent you.That's the point I'm going to make in this section. I learned an extremely important lesson in London shortly after World War II.At that time, I was the manager of the Australian aviator James.During and shortly after the war, James became a figure in the world's attention.One evening, I was at a banquet in honor of James.During the dinner, a gentleman sitting on my right told us a witty story, which just confirmed such a maxim: "Man makes things happen, but God makes things happen." However, the source of this sentence, the Mr. misremembered. He pointed out that the line was from the Bible, and I happened to know that it was from Shakespeare.So, in order to show my superiority, I corrected him obnoxiously and without scruple.However, the man insisted on his statement: "What? That sentence comes from Shakespeare? Impossible, absolutely impossible." He was very confident and insisted on his statement. Sitting to my left at the time was my old friend Gammon, an expert on Shakespeare.We let Garmon decide who of us is right.Gammon kicked me under the table and said, "Carnegie, you're wrong, it's actually from the Bible." After the banquet we went home together.I blamed Gammon and said, "You know that the sentence came from Shakespeare, why do you still say I'm wrong?" "Yes, that's all right," said Garmon. "It's from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act V, Scene 2. But Carnegie, we're all guests at this party, why do we have to find a evidence, to accuse others of their mistakes? Will you make others feel good about you? Why can’t you save him a little face? He doesn’t want to ask for your opinion, and he doesn’t want to know what you think, and you Why argue with him? You should never confront anyone head-on!" "Never have a direct conflict with others", the person who said this sentence is no longer in this world, but I will always remember this sentence.This lesson shocked me greatly.I used to be an opinionated person, and I liked to argue with people since I was a child.When I was in college, I was very interested in logic and debate, and I often participated in various debate competitions.Later, I taught debate classes in New York and even planned to write a book on debate.Now, when I think about these things, I feel utterly ashamed.Since that day, I have listened to thousands of debates, paying close attention to the aftermath of each debate.I have come to a conclusion, which is also a truth: there is only one way in the world to achieve the greatest victory in debate, and that is to avoid debate as much as possible, like avoiding poisonous snakes and earthquakes. I've also found that after a debate, nine times out of ten, each person still sticks to his or her point of view, believing that they are absolutely right.You can't win an argument!If you lose, of course you lose; but even if you win, you still lose.Why?So what if you beat the other side, and prove him useless by shattering his body or riddling him with holes?You may be elated, but he resents your victory for being humiliated. "Even if a person admits defeat verbally, he is not convinced at all in his heart." Many years ago, Mr. Harry, a feisty Irishman, attended my tutoring class.He has little education, but he loves to argue!He had worked as a car driver for others.Later, he switched to selling trucks, but was not very successful, so he came to me for help.I questioned him a little, and it became apparent that he was always arguing with and offending his customers.If a buyer is critical of the car he is selling, he will be furious and argue loudly with the other party until the other party is rendered speechless. He did win quite a few arguments back then.He later told me, "Whenever I walk out of someone's office, I say to myself, 'I've finally taught that guy a lesson.' I did tell him, but I didn't sell anything." So my first challenge was not just to teach Harry how to talk to people, but my immediate task was to train him how to refrain from talking and get into an argument.Mr. Harry is now a star salesman for the White Motor Company in New York.How did he succeed?Here is his own account of what happened: "If I walk into a customer's office right now and he says 'What? White cars? They're not good! You give them to me for free and I don't want them. I'll just buy so-and-so'. I say: 'Please Listen, man, that's a really nice car, and you can't go wrong buying one. That company's got solid cars, and they've got great salesmen'." "So he has nothing to say. He has no room to argue with me. If he says that such-and-such is the best car, and I say it is, then he has to shut up. Now that I agree His opinion, and of course he couldn't go on saying 'the so-and-so car is the best' all afternoon. So we stopped talking about the so-and-so car, and I began to tell him the virtues of the White car." "If I had heard him say that in my day, I would have lost my temper. I would have quarreled with him immediately, picking on such-and-such a car. And the more critical I belittled it, the harder my customer would defend it. The more I defended like this, the more I believed and liked my competitor's product. Looking back now, I really don't know how many things I could sell in my life. I spent a lot of time in my life talking to others .Now my silence is very effective.” As the wise Benjamin Franklin used to say: "If you are competitive, if you enjoy arguing and refuting others for fun, you may win a moment of victory, but such victories are meaningless and worthless, because you will never have Get the favor of the other party." So, you should carefully consider: would you rather have a superficial victory with no real meaning, or hope to gain someone's favor?You know, you can't have it both ways. Bath Mutual Life Insurance Company has this rule for their employees: don't argue.They believe that a good salesman will not argue with customers, even if it disagrees with the most common opinions, it should be avoided as much as possible.Because people's thinking is not easy to change. Madhu, who served as Secretary of the Treasury during President Wilson's tenure, told people a lesson from his years of political experience: "We can never use arguments to convince an ignorant person." And if I have to say it, I think you Don't try to use debate to change anyone's opinion, not just the ignorant. Mr. Parsons, an income tax consultant, once argued for an hour with a government tax inspector over a $9,000 account.Payson's opinion is that no income tax should be levied on other people, because it is a bad debt that can never be recovered.And the inspector thinks the tax must be paid.Payson told the workshop what happened afterwards: "He is indifferent, arrogant, and stubborn. Reasoning with this kind of person is like talking nonsense. The more I argue with him, the more stubborn he is. Later, I decided not to continue arguing with him, so I changed the subject and continued. I praised him a few words. 'Since you have dealt with many similar issues', I said to him, 'so this issue must be a piece of cake for you. Although I have also studied taxation, it is only on paper. Of course you know that these require practical experience. To be honest, I am very envious of you having such a position, and this period of time has benefited me a lot'." "Of course, I told him the truth. The inspector straightened up and began to talk about his work, and told a lot about the fraud cases he handled. His tone gradually calmed down, and then he said To his own family and children. Before leaving, he told me that he planned to go back and think about this issue again. Three days later, he came to see me and said that the tax was handled according to the terms of the tax item, and no more would be collected.” There is such a weakness in human nature that everyone wants to be recognized by others.When Parson argues with him, he appears authoritative, hoping to build up his self-esteem, and when Parson agrees with him, he immediately becomes a kind, compassionate person, and naturally Stop arguing. Sakyamuni once said: "Hatred can never stop hate, only love can stop hate." Therefore, misunderstandings cannot be resolved by arguments, but must be resolved by using certain diplomacy and the approval of others. Once, Lincoln once reprimanded an officer who quarreled with his colleagues: "A man who has achieved great things should not argue with others everywhere, nor should he spend a lot of time arguing with others. Pointless arguments will not only damage your education , and will make you lose self-control, try to be as humble as possible to others. Instead of blocking a dog, it is better to let it take a step first. Because if you are bitten by a dog, even if you kill the dog, it will not cure you. Heal your wound." This sentence of Lincoln should also become the criterion of your actions. Therefore, the third discipline to become a good talker is "avoid arguing with others"! Arguing will only cost you points: (1) True salesmanship is not an argument, even an unabashed one.Because people's opinions don't change because of arguments. (2) Before you start arguing, think about what the other person is saying. (3) Sometimes the truth is not as clear as it gets debated. (4) Don't directly point out the mistakes of others, because this may lead to a boring argument for you. Carnegie's advice: Know that sometimes talking too much is as effective as not talking. If you don't agree with him, you may be tempted to stop him, but don't do it, it's dangerous.Because he will never pay attention to your point of view when he has many opinions to express urgently.Therefore, be patient and listen with a broad mind, and sincerely encourage the other party to express his opinion fully. Philip Amou once said: "I would rather be a good talker than a big capitalist." We might as well believe what he said-his words do not mean that he does not want to have more money, but that he believes that being A good talker will make it easier for him to be a capitalist, or it will make him happier being a capitalist than having a good talker. Indeed, becoming a good talker is almost everyone's dream.All the means of obtaining happiness are inferior to being able to express one's thoughts at will.I believe that if Lincoln had to choose between being a genius who couldn't speak and being an ordinary man with excellent eloquence, he would have preferred the latter.Fortunately, though, he has both.But, after all, there are not many people like Lincoln, even as a great orator—regardless of his other outstanding talents—there are only a handful of people, and there are more people who struggle every day to speak .Most people are not good talkers - and I believe the world would be a more fascinating place if it were the other way around - they break up their families because they can't communicate with their wives, they lose at the negotiating table, Inability to express feelings clearly to friends and more often a combination of both. "How to make yourself a good speaker instead of just being able to speak?" Those students of Carnegie's eloquence training class often asked me such a question at the beginning. "It's not difficult," I said, "if you have some training." A few years ago, one of the largest automobile manufacturing companies in the United States was negotiating to order the car seat cloth needed for the next year.Three important manufacturers have already made samples of the pads.These sample fabrics have been inspected by the senior staff of the automobile company, and a notice has been sent to each manufacturer, saying that representatives of each manufacturer can participate in the competition under the same conditions on a certain day, so that the company can finally determine the applicant. Mr. R, the business representative of one of the manufacturers, was suffering from severe laryngitis when he arrived. "When I went to the senior staff meeting," Mr. R said as he recounted his experience to my class, "I was hoarse and I could hardly make a sound. I was led into a room with the textile engineer, the purchasing manager, , the sales manager, and the general manager of the company. I stood up and tried to speak, but I could only make a hoarse voice. They were all sitting around a table. So I wrote on a piece of paper: 'Guys , my voice is hoarse, I can't speak.'” "'Let me speak for you.' said the other general manager. He really spoke for me. He showed my samples and praised their merits. There was a lively discussion around the merits of my samples. Discussion. Since the general manager was speaking on my behalf, he was on my side in this discussion, and I just smiled, nodded and made a few simple gestures throughout the process." "As a result of this particular meeting, I was awarded this contract for half a million yards of upholstery for a total value of $1.6 million—the largest order I've ever received. I knew that if my If I'm not hoarse, I might lose that contract because I was wrong about the whole situation. I discovered quite by accident how good it is to let people talk more!" The key to successful trading is that if you want people to buy your product, there is no better way than to let them convince themselves.In many cases, you can't directly sell your products to customers, but let them feel that your products are indeed very advantageous in the bottom of their hearts, so that they can take the initiative to buy your products. Many people are eager to let the other party understand their opinions, and they talk too much.You know, sometimes talking too much is as effective as not talking at all.Most people try to get others to agree with them, but they talk too much of themselves.Do you know them better than they know themselves?If not, why not let the other party speak out?So, when necessary, ask them questions and let them tell you something.Doing so will make your communication more effective. If you disagree with the other person's point of view, you may want to contradict him.But you must not do this, because it will be very dangerous.When a person is eager to express his own point of view, he will never pay attention to other people's points of view.At this time, what you have to do is to listen to what he has to say, and encourage the other party to fully express their opinions. Letting the other party speak not only plays its role in the business field, but also helps in other aspects.For example, it can help you deal with some conflicts in your family. Barbara Wilson is a student of the Carnegie training class. The relationship between her and her daughter Rory has deteriorated rapidly recently.Rory used to be a very well-behaved and obedient child, but when she was a teenager, she had many conflicts with her mother and refused to cooperate with her mother.Mrs. Wilson tried to intimidate and lecture her in various ways, but to no avail. "She didn't listen to me at all, and I almost gave up all my efforts. One day, before she finished her housework, she went to play with her friends. When she came back, I scolded her as usual. I have no Being patient, I said sadly to her 'Rory, why are you doing this'." "Rory seemed to see my pain. She asked me 'do you really want to know'. I nodded. So she started telling me things I'd never told me before: I always ordered her to do this and that, Never wanted to listen to her opinion, and I kept interrupting her when she wanted to talk to me. I realized that Rory really needed me, but she wished I wasn't a commanding, assertive Mother, but a close friend so she can talk about her troubles. Before, I never noticed that. Since then, I have let her talk freely, and I always listen carefully. Now, we are good friends .She told me what was on her mind and our relationship improved a lot. She was also a cooperative kid again." This method is also very helpful for your job search. There was a job ad in the New York Herald Tribune, and they needed someone with exceptional ability and experience.Charles Kerberis saw the ad and sent his profile.A few days later, he received a letter asking him for an interview. "I would be very proud to work for a company with such a remarkable history. I heard that when you started this company 28 years ago, there was nothing but a desk, an office, a stenographer It’s unbelievable. Is this true?” During the interview, Keberis said to the boss he was interviewing. In fact, every successful person likes to recall his early entrepreneurial experience, and is very happy to be listened to.This boss is no exception.He talked to Kerberis at length about how he started the business with $450 in cash, working 12 to 16 hour days, working Sundays and holidays, and how he finally beat all the odds.In the end, the owner briefly asked Kerberis about his experience, then said to his assistant manager, "I think he's the guy we're looking for." The reason for Keberis' success may not be so simple, but there is one very important point: he cleverly asked a question that the other party was very interested in, and encouraged the other party to talk more, thus giving the boss a good impression. French philosopher Luo Juxue said: "If you want to make enemies, you have to be better than your friends; but if you want to have friends, you have to make your friends be better." His Meaning, when your friends outperform you, they develop a sense of self-esteem, but if they do the opposite, they develop a sense of inferiority and become suspicious and jealous of you.This is really a truth, let's take a look at a case that happened in the workplace. Ms. Henrietta is the most connected job placement consultant in the New York City Central Personnel Bureau.But for several months at first, Henrietta had no friends among her colleagues. "I've done a really good job and I've always been very proud," Henrietta said in my class. I longed to be friends with them. After taking this coaching session, I started to follow it. I started to talk less about myself and listen more to my colleagues. I found that they actually have a lot to brag about. To them For me, telling me about them makes them happier than listening to my bragging. Now, every time we talk together, I ask them to tell me their stories and share their stories together. Only When they ask, I talk a little bit about myself." Sometimes, downplaying our own achievements can make people like you.There is a very interesting saying in Germany, to the effect that: the greatest happiness is to find weakness from the strong we admire, so that we can be satisfied.This may be due to the weakness of human nature.But trust that maybe some of your friends will find greater satisfaction from your setbacks or weaknesses. We should be humble, because you and I are nothing special.You and I will both die and be completely forgotten in a hundred years.Life is so short that we shouldn't be obsessed with our little accomplishments.Instead, we want to encourage others to talk more.think about it!Either way, you don't really have much to blow about. A lawyer said to Evan Cooper on the witness stand: "Mr. Cooper, I heard that you are the most famous writer in America, is that true?" Bob's answer is correct.You probably don't know what keeps us from being idiots, it's not a big deal, just a nickel worth of iodine in your thyroid; and without that we'd be idiots.None of us are great.Therefore, if you want others to agree with you and make your conversations better, and if you want to be a good talker, please remember the fourth practice rule: let the other party talk more, and encourage them to talk about their own affairs. Let the other party say more, the benefits are more than saying yourself: (1) Letting the other party speak is not only conducive to winning orders in business, but also helps to deal with some disputes in the family. (2) Even our friends don't want us to boast about our past, but rather talk about their achievements. (3) Maybe your audience is paying attention to what you have to say, but maybe they're not really listening.So it's best to let him talk too. (4) We can find the topic you intend to continue in the conversation of others. (5) When you have already said something, stop, take a break, and let others talk too.This not only gives your own mouth a rest, but also your own brain - don't let them work for too long. Carnegie's advice: If you get a student, customer, or your child or wife to say "no" in the first place, then even if you have fairy wisdom and patience, you will not be able to turn that negative attitude into a positive attitude. . James Albertson found that once he got that customer to say "yes, yes" to begin with, the customer forgot about their dispute and was willing to do what he suggested.What happens if someone says "no" in the first place?Let's take a look at what Professor Everster said in his book "Influencing Human Behavior": "A 'no' response is the most difficult obstacle to overcome. As soon as a person says 'no', his self-esteem will prompt him to insist. Of course, he may later feel that 'no' is inappropriate, but Once he takes into account his precious self-esteem, he's going to follow through. So it's extremely important to get a positive attitude toward you from the start." He went on to say that this mental model of people is obvious.When a person says "no", if he also denies it in his heart, all the tissues in his body will coordinate and enter into a state of resistance together. Conversely, if he says "yes", the situation will be just the opposite. - His body will then be in a state of progress, acceptance and openness, which will help to change his perception or will, and make the conversation develop in a positive direction. If you get a student, customer, or your child or wife to say "no" in the first place, you will not be able to turn that negative attitude into a positive attitude, even with fairy wisdom and patience.It was this "yes, yes" approach that enabled James Albertson, a teller at the Greenwich Savings Bank in New York, to save a customer who would otherwise have lost the business.Fortunately, James Albertson was trained in the Carnegie training class, and he understood this method. “That day,” recalls James Albertson, “this guy came in to open an account, and I asked him to fill out some forms, some of which he was willing to answer, and some of which he didn’t want to answer at all. situation, I would tell the customer that if he does not provide us with this information, we will refuse to open an account for him. I am very happy with that 'warning', because it seems to say that only my words count. However, it is obvious , such an attitude will make our customers feel unappreciated." "Because of the relevant courses in the training class, I decided not to talk to him about the bank's regulations, but about the needs of customers. Therefore, I agreed with him. I told him that the contents he refused to fill in were not absolute. Necessary.' But,' I directed him, 'if you die, don't you wish to have the money deposited in our bank transferred to your relatives'?" "'Of course,' he said." "'Do you not think,' I continued, 'that it would be a good idea to give us some particulars of your nearest relations, so that we may, in the event of your death, carry out your wishes with certainty?' ?” "'Yes,' he said again." "In this way, he finally believed that the purpose of us asking for these materials was for him, and his attitude changed. He not only told me all his own materials, but also opened a trust account according to my suggestion, designated His mother was the beneficiary, and details about his mother were readily filled in." It is not difficult to get the affirmation of the other party, but people ignore how to do it.People always hope that the other party agrees with their views at the beginning, and if others disagree, they are eager to refute the other party in order to gain the other party's approval.They may think that doing so will show their brilliance and prominence.Unfortunately, this attitude often backfires.Therefore, the best way is to let the other party say "yes, yes" at the beginning. There is a rich man in the area that Raymond, a Westinghouse salesman, is in charge of.Raymond's predecessor and he spent 13 years marketing the rich man, but it was only recently that the rich man agreed to buy several engines.When Raymond visited him again, he said he would never order Westinghouse engines again because he thought they were too hot to put his hands on. Raymond knew it would be futile to argue with him.So Raymond decided to find a way to get the other party to say "yes".Raymond said to the rich man: "Mr. Smith, I completely agree with you. If my company's engine is really overheating, you should not buy it. You spend money, and of course you don't want to buy an engine that is hotter than the standard. Yes or no?" "Yes," said Smith. "You know," Raymond went on, "the Electrician's Guild rule says that a standard engine can't run 72 degrees Fahrenheit above the room temperature, right?" "Yes. But your engine is hotter than that," Smith said. "What's the temperature in your factory?" Raymond asked him. "Seventy-five degrees Fahrenheit," Smith thought for a moment, then said. "That's right," Raymond said with a smile, "75 degrees Fahrenheit plus 72 degrees Fahrenheit is 147 degrees Fahrenheit. If you put your hand in 147 degrees Fahrenheit water, will you get burned?" Smith had to say, "Yes." "Then," continued Raymond, "I suggest that you better not put your hands on the engine at 147 degrees Fahrenheit." "I think you're right," Smith said.Then they talked for a while, and finally, Smith agreed to order Westinghouse's $35,000 product next month. Raymond concluded: "I finally learned that arguing is not a smart way. We have to look at the problem from the other side's point of view and try to make the other side say 'yes, yes'. This is the real way to success. " The great Socrates is a well-known thinker in history. He is called "the gadfly of Athens" and is a well-known "old boy".Even so, he did things few could do, he revolutionized the course of human thought, and he was one of the most influential persuaders in the world.Is his method to tell people they are wrong?of course not.His method is called "Socrates' method of debate", which is based on the affirmative answer of the other party.Every question he raises will be endorsed by others.Then he kept asking questions, until at last his opponents found themselves reaching conclusions they had vehemently opposed a few minutes before. Isn't it amazing?Yes, but you can do that too if you want.The method is very simple, that is, remember that at the beginning, you must keep asking the other party to say "yes, yes", and never let him say "no". Therefore, when talking to people, instead of talking about some things that you may disagree with at the beginning, you should first emphasize the things that you both agree on, and you need to keep emphasizing.Then, emphasize that you're both pursuing the same goal, and try to let the other person know that if you disagree, it's just a difference in approach, not goal.You should always remember the wisdom and enlightenment that this "Gadfly of Athens" gave us, and start by asking a gentle question--one that will get a "yes, yes" response.There is a Chinese adage that is full of the long-standing wisdom of the Orientals: "He who walks lightly travels far." This sentence is extremely knowledgeable, extremely intelligent, and has accumulated extremely rich life experience. So if you want to be a good talker, remember the fifth discipline: get the other person to give you an immediate "yes, yes" answer. How to take the initiative in communication: (1) If you ask a question that the other party may answer "no", you may wish to subtly change the question. (2) Start with the most basic question—a question that can easily be answered with a "yes, yes"—and don't hesitate to do such a simple thing. (3) You have to grasp the key to the matter and subtly guide your most basic questions to the key ones. (4) You have to convince the other party, instead of feeling that you have fallen into your trap. Carnegie's advice: If you want to give someone a good impression, the simplest, most obvious and most important way is to be able to call out the other person's name casually. Remembering someone's name can sometimes be difficult, especially if the person's name is not easy to remember.Most people don't want to remember such hard-to-remember names, and they think to themselves: "Forget it, just call him by his nickname, and it's easy to remember." But, have you ever thought that once you remember someone's name firmly? , what will be the effect? One of my students, Sid Levy, once visited a customer with a particularly difficult name, Nicodemus Papaduras.Because the name is too difficult to remember, others call him "Nick". Levi told me: "Before I went to visit him, I made a special effort to remember his name. When I saw him, I called him by his full name. I said to him 'Good morning, Mr. Nicodemus Papaduras'. I saw him standing there without saying a word, and he was stunned for several minutes without recovering. At last, his tears flowed down, and his voice tremblingly said to I said 'Mr. Levi, I have been in this country for 15 years and no one has ever wanted to call me by my real name like you'!" Rich people often pay poor writers, artists and musicians.They hope that these writers and artists can dedicate their works to them so that their names can be spread along with these works.In our libraries and museums, the most valuable works of art are often donated by wealthy individuals who want their names remembered.For example, the New York Library has the collections of the Esther family and the Lillock family, the Metropolitan Museum preserves the signed letters of Benjamin Etman and JP Morgan, and almost every church is inlaid with stained glass. In memory of those who donated. This shows that people always attach great importance to their names and want others to remember them.If you want to give people a good impression, the simplest, most obvious and most important way is to be able to call out the other person's name casually.Because of that, you give the other person the feeling of being valued -- and as far as I know, everyone wants to feel that way.This method can be said to be tried and tested. What is the reason for the success of "Steel King" Andrew Carnegie?Although he is known as the "Steel King", he does not have much knowledge of steel.He has thousands of people working for him who know a lot more than he does.The reason for this is that he talks with people and understands the principles of dealing with people, which is the secret of his fortune. When Carnegie was 10 years old, he caught a female rabbit one day, and soon gave birth to a litter of young rabbits, so the feed was not enough to eat.How did Carnegie handle it?He didn't have a headache at all, and he had a wonderful idea in his mind. He gathered the children in the neighborhood and announced: whoever can pull the most grass to feed the bunny will name the bunny after him.So the children all scrambled to find feed for the little rabbit, and Carnegie's plan was successfully realized.He has never forgotten this success. Throughout his life, he used people's psychology to successfully lead many people. In business, he has made millions using this method.For example, in order to sell steel tracks to the Pennsylvania Railroad, he built a large steel mill in Pittsburgh named after the company's chairman, Greg Thomson. At one point, the Central Transportation Company controlled by Carnegie and the company controlled by Pullman both wanted to get the business of the Union Pacific Railroad Company, and they fought each other to kill the price.When Carnegie ran into Pullman one night at the St. Nichols Hotel, Carnegie said, "Good night, Mr. Pullman, aren't we making a fool of ourselves?" "What do you mean?" Pullman said. Say.Carnegie said what was in his heart. He wanted to merge the two companies.He also talked about the advantages of cooperating instead of competing with each other.Pullman listened intently, and finally asked: "What is the name of your company?" Carnegie immediately said: "Pulman Palace Sleeping Car Company." The problem was solved smoothly. Carnegie's way of remembering and valuing the names of friends and business people is one of the great secrets of his great leadership.He prided himself on being able to call many employees by name, and felt that failing to remember someone's name was tantamount to failing to remember a very important job of his. As a politician, remembering the names of voters is often his first lesson, and if you forget their names, you will fail badly.President Franklin D. Roosevelt was a model when it came to remembering people's names.As we all know, President Roosevelt is one of the busiest people in the world, but he knew the importance of remembering other people's names, so he was willing to spend time remembering those people. Once, Chrysler made a car specially for President Roosevelt, General Manager Chamberlain and a mechanic drove the car to the White House.In Chamberlain's letter, he described the situation at that time: "I taught President Roosevelt how to drive a car with a lot of special parts, and President Roosevelt taught me a lot about how to behave. The President was so happy that I was called to the White House, he called me by name immediately, This made me very happy. I was particularly impressed that he really paid attention to the instructions I gave him. The car was specially designed to perfection and could be operated entirely by hand. The president said 'this car It's just perfect. Just push the button and it turns and it drives effortlessly. I don't know how it works. I wish I had the time to research it and see how it works of'." "While many of the president's friends and colleagues gathered around to praise the car, he said to me in front of everyone, 'Mr. Chamberlain, you put a lot of time and effort into designing this car, thank you very much. The car is simply amazing'!" "Then he complimented the radiator, the special mirrors, the clock, the special lights, the style of the upholstery, the driver's seat, the special trunk with his initials on it—he noticed Every detail, I gave a great compliment to my hard work. He also specially called Mrs. Roosevelt, Secretary Ms. Poggin, Secretary of Labor, etc. to pay attention to these parts. He even asked his black driver to say to him 'George , you have to take good care of these suitcases'." "After the driving lesson, the president said to me 'Okay, Mr. Chamberlain, I've had the Federal Reserve board wait for me for 30 minutes. I think I should get back to work'." "I took a mechanic with me. The mechanic was a very shy guy, and he always stood behind us when we were talking. Even though he never spoke to the President, and the President only listened to him. I introduced his name once, but unexpectedly, when we were leaving, the president went out of his way to find the mechanic, shook his hand, and called out his name to thank him for coming to Washington. I could feel that his thanks were not artificial at all, but sincere. A few days later, I received a photo signed by President Roosevelt, and a short thank you for my help was attached to the photo .As a head of state, how could President Roosevelt have the time to do something like this? It really confuses me." Why did President Roosevelt make such a deep and beautiful impression on Mr. Chamberlain?Of course not because he is the head o